by J. L. Berg
Every time I touched her, I’d linger, memorizing the way her body reacted to mine.
A thousand lifetimes would never be enough. This was true. For now, I’d gladly settle for one.
The nurse finished our quick tour of the office before dropping us off at the ultrasound waiting room. A woman and her husband sat across from us. Her stomach was swelling with their child, and he tenderly rubbed it and spoke in hushed tones. As they were called back by a technician, Lailah looked at me, a nervous halo clouding her normally bright blue eyes.
A quick wink and a nudge to her shoulder earned me a small smile before she tenderly rested her head against me.
“Will you do that?” she asked wistfully.
“What?”
“Rub my belly?”
“Only if you let me rub pudding all over it and lick it off,” I said, completely deadpanned.
Her head jerked up to look at me as she tried not to crack a grin. “You’re crazy.”
“You’d let me do it though, wouldn’t you?”
Her name was called before she could answer, but I saw her roll her eyes, and I heard the beautiful sound of her laughter as we made our way down the hallway.
Mission accomplished.
Google and I had become the best of friends over the last month, and I’d learned my fair share about pregnancy, including the importance of stress reduction to the mother.
It was a simple concept—happy mother equaled happy baby. In my world, that meant everything.
We were led to a small room filled with equipment I’d only seen in movies. Lailah was told to strip down, and she was handed a robe. We were given a few minutes of privacy while she shimmied out of her dress and sweater and quickly put on the hospital gown.
“I look hot, huh?” She twirled around once before fastening the ties at the top.
“You forget, I fell in love with you in a hospital.”
“Yes.” She smiled, taking a seat on the exam table. “But even then, I didn’t wear awful hospital robes.”
Remembering her affinity for yoga pants even then, I grinned. “No, but it wouldn’t have mattered even if you did. It was hopeless. You had me from that very first moment.”
“And I, you.”
We made idle chitchat until the technician came back, ready to do the ultrasound. My heart took residence in my throat as I watched her help Lailah into the stirrups and gently lean her back. I’d braced myself for the methods used for very early ultrasounds, but nothing could fully prepare me for the massive instrument the technician pulled out.
Lailah choked back a laugh as she saw my eyes go wide, but I refused to say anything, choosing instead to stand by her side and offer moral support.
“This might be slightly uncomfortable,” the technician warned as her hand disappeared under the drape of Lailah’s robe.
She winced, and I reached out for her hand. The pain must have been brief because she quickly relaxed, her eyes glued to the tiny monitor next to the technician.
“There’s your little one,” she said, smiling, pointing to a dark peanut-shaped nugget in the center.
I felt the breath rush out of me.
“Is this your first ultrasound?” she asked, looking back at Lailah.
She was busy staring at the screen. “Oh, um . . . no. I had a quick one at four weeks. It was a bit of a surprise, so they wanted to confirm the test.”
“Well then, I’m guessing at four weeks, you didn’t get to hear the heartbeat then?”
We both turned to her with wide eyes.
“Can we?” Lailah asked.
“Of course. Let me just . . .” She paused mid-sentence, clicking and entering things in on the keyboard.
Within moments, the room was filled with a whooshing sound.
We sat in awe, listening to the heart beating strong and fast, as the technician continued to do her thing. Lailah squeezed my hand, looking up at me, as her eyes filled with tears—happy, joyous tears.
My world doubled in that moment. As I looked into that monitor and listened to the sound of my unborn child, I knew Lailah wasn’t the only person I’d lay down my life for.
There were now two.
And now, I had to save them both.
“Maybe a little to the left?” she suggested.
I whipped my head around to give her a hard stare over my shoulder. “That’s the exact same spot it was in before,” I said, nudging the large framed photo an inch over on the wall.
After weeks of waiting, we were finally in our own place.
Molly and Marcus had been gracious hosts, taking care of us better than I could have ever asked, but we were newlyweds.
We needed space—and plenty of alone time.
It hadn’t taken long to find this place. We’d known we wanted to be near the ocean. After our many trips around the world, we’d learned the waves had a certain pull over us both, and I couldn’t think of any greater place for Lailah to be than near the calming, healing sound of the ocean water.
We ended up renting a large beachfront house not too far from Molly and Marcus. It was large and bright, and it had endless windows, giving every room a view of the beautiful outdoors.
“It is not. Now, it looks perfect,” she answered.
Her head cocked to the side, looking at the portrait I’d been holding against the wall for what seemed like an eternity.
“Are you sure?” I asked, holding up the nail. “Last chance.”
“Positive.”
Quickly marking the wall, I set the frame down on the sectional sofa I was standing on and positioned the nail.
“Wait!” she called out.
I groaned.
“Maybe just a tad to the right?”
Looking back over my shoulder at her as she sat cross-legged in a chair with a fuzzy blanket spread across her lap, I couldn’t help but laugh.
Goddamn, she was adorable. “You’re lucky I love you.”
“I know.” She shrugged.
Moving the nail ever so slightly, I drove it into the wall before she had a chance to change her mind again. As I hung the portrait of us, laughing and looking into each other’s eyes during our first dance, I couldn’t stop the feeling in my stomach. It was a churning mixture of nostalgia as I remembered that exact moment and a twinge of panic as I worried that days like those might be numbered.
Stay positive, I reminded myself.
“It looks great!” she exclaimed.
“And it only took forty-five minutes!” I answered sarcastically.
Her eyebrow rose as she held a steaming cup of tea to her lips. “Be nice, or I’ll make you hang the rest.”
“You’re giving me a break? What kind of break?” I asked, inching forward, a cocky grin tugging at my lips.
“We’re having company,” she replied, laughing.
“Not the answer I was hoping for.”
“It’s good to know you still think I’m sexy,” she commented, rising to take her now empty cup to the kitchen.
“Whoa. Hold up.” I stopped her dead in her tracks. “Why on earth would I ever not find you sexy?”
“I don’t know.” She shrugged, looking down at her faded yoga pants and T-shirt. “It’s just . . . I’ve haven’t looked the best lately, and I’ve spent a good majority of time nauseous or throwing up. I feel like we’re back to the way it used to be . . . you know, before—”
I clutched her face in my palms, centering her gaze, so I had her attention.
“I understand this is a part of the pregnancy process—issues with body changes—but believe me, Lailah, you couldn’t be more beautiful to me if you tried. Nothing will ever change that—not now and not six months from now when you’re as round as a house. I’ll only see you.”
Her eyes watered, and I knew I’d reached her.
“You think I’ll be as round as a house?”
“If I have anything to do with it.” I grinned just as the doorbell chimed. “You never said who was visiting,” I said.
“Never mind,” I uttered to myself.
“I know this isn’t permanent, but can I just tell you how much I love being able to see you whenever I want again? It’s amazing!”
I watched the two of them hug, giggling like schoolgirls. Lailah helped Grace through the door. Bogged down with a diaper bag and an infant, she looked like her tiny legs might buckle at any moment.
“Here, why don’t I take Zander while you give Grace the tour?” I offered.
They both looked at me, wide-eyed, in surprise.
“What?” I asked.
“Well, it’s just . . . I don’t think you’ve ever offered to hold him,” Grace confessed.
“I have to.”
Both females blankly looked at me.
“At least once?”
Two heads shook back and forth simultaneously.
“Okay, fine. Well, there’s a first time for everything. I mean, how hard could it be?”
Lailah and Grace gave each other a knowing grin, and I watched Grace drop the diaper bag to the ground.
“He’s all yours!” she exclaimed, giving a wink in Lailah’s direction. “Let’s go take that really lengthy tour.”
My hands wrapped around his squishy center as I carefully gripped the tiny human in my arms. Zander had already celebrated his first birthday, so this would be easy. It wasn’t like he was fragile anymore. Hell, the kid was practically an adult by now.
I held him out an arm’s length, and the two of us stared at one another.
“Hi,” I said.
His eyebrows rose, giving me a look that said he clearly knew I had no idea what I was doing.
He’d already figured me out.
Shit, I’m screwed.
I had no idea what to do with him, so I decided we’d take a little walk of our own. Awkwardly, I pulled him closer, feeling his chubby hand grip my tatted forearm.
“You like that?”
His eyes intensely wandered over the black ink while his small fingers scooted along my skin. Finally, he looked back up at me and babbled a string of incoherent baby nonsense.
I laughed. “Oh, yeah? Fond of the ink, huh? I’ll keep that between us men. Don’t want your mom thinking I’ve corrupted you already.”
Unlocking the sliding door with my free hand, I stepped out on the wide deck, feeling the warm breeze of early spring hit our faces. Zander’s finger pointed toward the water, and he clapped in glee.
“I like it, too.”
I looked down at him as he took in the view, his big blue eyes darting from left to right. His face lit up when he spotted a dog playing in the water with his owner. My fingers went to his face, brushing against his soft skin, as I inhaled his clean scent.
I’d never given much thought to the possibility of being a father.
When it had been just Megan and me, it had always been something we’d do later, in the future. We were supposed to have forever, so the idea of kids really never came up. I guessed it was just something both of us had figured we’d naturally fall into one day.
When Lailah had come into my life—well, she was all I needed. It wasn’t a feeling of losing or giving anything up. When I was with her, I felt complete. But now, there was more, and I still couldn’t wrap my mind around the idea that I could possibly deserve it all.
That was why I couldn’t shake the nervousness that constantly lingered in the corners of my mind.
When would all of this come crashing down on me like a house of cards?
Would I ever hold my child like this? Cradle him in my arms as we looked out at the ocean, listening to his mother entertain guests?
God, I hoped so.
As the sun began to sink beneath the horizon, the two of us continued to chill out on the deck. We watched surfers as Zander spoke to me about the many adventures he’d been on in his short life—or at least, that was what I assumed he was talking about. He squished my face and laughed.
“Wow, this place is great!” Grace announced, stepping out onto the patio with Lailah.
They both had drinks in their hands, and as they took their seats, Lailah offered me a soda.
“So, how was your alone time with Zander?” she asked before taking a sip of water as she leaned back in her seat.
“Great,” I gloated. “This kid loves me.”
“Oh, please. He was just being easy on you because he saw newbie written all over your face,” Grace replied.
“Nah, we’re tight.” I gave her a wink, popping the top of my soda.
Zander suspiciously eyed it, licking his lips, as I took my first sip.
“Okay,” she simply said.
I saw his hand move a millisecond before soda splattered us both. Both women covered their laughter as Zander burst into tears at the sudden sensation of being drenched by cold liquid.
I wasn’t too happy about it either.
“Oh, baby boy!” Grace cooed. “It’s okay!”
Her outstretched hands met his, and he reached for her, completely abandoning the mean man who had forgotten about the unwritten rule regarding soda cans and infants.
Apparently, you had to watch both like a hawk, or this would happen.
“I’m going to go change,” I announced, standing, as I watched Coke drip down my jeans and into my shoes.
Squeaky-toed, I walked off to the bedroom to grab a new pair of jeans. As I rifled through the drawers of our new dresser, trying to figure out how everything was organized, I found an envelope hidden underneath a drawer stuffed with Lailah’s sweaters. Curiously, I pulled it out and found the ultrasound pictures the technician had printed. In addition, the solitary image from her first ultrasound was underneath. I held them side-by-side, amazed by how much our tiny peanut had grown in only four weeks. In the first image, there was nothing really—just a dark circle that showed the place a baby would eventually be. Four weeks later, I could clearly see the progress of growth.
It made me anxious to add to this growing pile. I was hoping, in the visits to come, we’d see more as our child blossomed in Lailah’s belly. A month ago, I had argued for abortion, and now, I was staring down at ultrasound pictures with amazement. She’d done that. Lailah had filled me with hope, and I only prayed everything would turn out the way she envisioned it.
I tucked the photos back in their hiding spot, wondering for a moment why they were hiding in the first place, but I quickly reminded myself that I was most likely dripping soda onto the carpet. Throwing on a fresh pair of jeans, I joined everyone back on the deck just in time to hear Grace announce that she’d brought us a gift.
“Well, it’s for Lailah mostly,” she admitted.
“I’ll try not to be offended,” I joked.
“Why are you bringing us gifts?” Lailah asked as she bounced a now happy Zander on her knee.
He’d also gone through a wardrobe change, and his mood was much lighter.
“Housewarming gift—of sorts,” she said, pulling a flat square package from the large baby bag she’d brought.
“Hey, Mary Poppins, if you dig deep enough in there, can you pull a lamp out as well??” I asked, grinning.
“Very funny,” she snorted. “I’ll be sure to bank all these funny jokes, so I can remind you of them later when you’re carrying a bag just like this on your shoulder a year from now.”
Shaking my head, I turned to hand the package to Lailah, who smiled hesitantly back at us.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Nothing, nothing,” she answered quickly. “Let’s see what this is!”
She pulled a piece of wrapping paper just far enough to intrigue Zander, and he tore the rest. Underneath, the two of them unveiled a beautiful baby book, the front obviously hand-embellished in neutral fabrics and colors.
“Oh, Grace,” Lailah sighed appreciatively. “It’s gorgeous.”
“Yeah? I made it myself. I wanted you to have something special.” She le
aned forward, opening the book, as it rested in Lailah’s lap. “I made sure to include places where you could put baby shower pictures and invitations. There are even spots to write special memories during the pregnancy, like the first time you feel a kick or a flutter and your first pair of maternity clothes.”
“Thank you,” Lailah said sincerely.
“You’re welcome. I can’t wait to meet baby Cavanaugh.”
With an emotional smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes, she answered, “Us either.”
A while later, we wished Grace and Zander a good evening and settled into the night with some take-out from around the corner. As I handed her a plateful of salad and pizza, ready to begin our movie selection, I turned to her.
“Can I ask you something?” I said.
She nodded, turning to me in her curled up position on the couch.
“Why did you put the sonogram pictures in a drawer?”
Her eyes went downcast as she worried on her bottom lip. “I’m too afraid to celebrate,” she admitted. “It’s still so early. What if something happens?”
I grabbed her plate, setting both down on the coffee table in front of us. As I took her hand in mine, she nudged her way into my arms.
“You know something could happen at any moment,” I reminded her.
She simply nodded.
“But you know what?”
Her eyes met mine.
“That’s true for anyone, Lailah. Sure, our circumstances are unique, but we’re still like everyone else—two people preparing for the biggest challenge of our lives. You don’t think anyone else worries about things going wrong?”
“But, it’s just—”
“I know. It’s scary. But if we don’t celebrate the good, then the bad will consume us. Don’t hide those ultrasound pictures, angel. Frame them. Put them someplace to remind yourself exactly why we’re doing this. Fill that baby book with every damn memory you have, so when this is all over with and we’re sitting here with our little monster, waiting for him to spill coffee or soda all over me, we can remember every single detail and know that it was worth it. Because we got him.”
She smiled a genuine heartfelt smile.
“You think it’s a boy?”
“Maybe.”
“And what would you name this boy of yours?”