“So you mean you just let him off the hook just like that?” Taylor rolled her mascara-covered eyes. “No, it couldn’t be me.”
“What did you expect me to do, kill him?”
“Now there’s an idea,” Taylor said.
“Taylor.”
“I’m just sayin’. A brother was trippin’ with that one, but hey, if you’re okay with it ...”
“You know I’m not okay with it. That was one of the most embarrassing things that has ever happened to me. Imagine having to confront my husband in front of Yvonne while she basically laughs at me under her breath because she knows what’s going on the whole time.”
“Right, and I’m sure she loved it too.”
“She did. I could see it on her face. But just the thought of how I made a fool of myself because of Joshua’s nonsense makes me mad all over again,” I growled.
“Girl, I know. I can’t say what I would have done if it had been me.”
“Oh, trust me, I was upset. It took the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost to hold me back.”
Taylor fell over with laughter. “I know that’s right.”
My sister would always help me bring humor into a situation and see the silly side of things even when she wasn’t trying to. I guess that was the dynamic of our relationship. I’d rescue her with reason, and she’d rescue me with straight sista girl advice, which always made me laugh.
Meanwhile, as my life seemed to be getting back to normal, Michelle Harris, Minister Harris’s daughter, just showed up at my job one day. Perky little Michelle, the teenager I had helped to rescue from making an irreversible mistake last year, walked into my cubicle during the afternoon. She had baby Elijah with her, and she immediately put him in my arms. All of my hormones stirred as I smelled his fresh baby skin.
“How are you?” I hugged her, while holding her son tightly.
“I’m good. I’m here to register for a faith class.”
“Oh, I see. That’s great.” I couldn’t stop being emotional as I remembered all we had gone through together last year.
Michelle pushed her medium-length weave braids out of her face. “I’m taking college classes too while I work, of course.”
“Right. I’m so proud of you.” I motioned for her to sit down.
I could see a little fatigue in her face, but I also saw joy in her eyes. Then I remembered that the joy of the Lord was our strength. Michelle had been away from the church for a while, despite Pastor Martin’s rebuke of the church concerning their judgmental behavior. Since the big scandal over her pregnancy last year, her parents, Minister and Sister Harris, thought it was best that they all took an indefinite leave of absence. I hadn’t seen them since.
“Anyway, we’re back to stay now.” Michelle pulled up a chair and sat down in front of my desk. “My family and I went to stay with my grandmother up in Vermont for a while.”
“Oh,” I said.
“It was kind of nice, a small farm town. Lots of land and fresh air for me and Elijah.
My dad says he was able to hear a word from God up there.”
“And Sister Harris?”
“My mom just rested ’cause it was real peaceful,” Michelle said.
“What about your siblings? Weren’t they in school?”
Michelle stretched out her legs and leaned back in her chair. “Nah. My mom started homeschooling them so ...”
“I see. Well, it’s really good to see you and to know that you’re back.” I paused.
“Michelle ...”
“Yes, Sister Alex?”
“No one should’ve ever pushed you away from the church in the first place. It wasn’t fair.” I shook my head.
She tried to smile. “I know.”
“You repented of the fornication, and there is no sin in carrying and mothering a child.” I stood up, reached across the desk, grabbed her hand, and squeezed it.
“I know,” she said.
I let go of her hand and sat back down. “I just hate that things went down like they did.”
“It’s okay. Believe it or not, I think we just needed time away to recuperate after everything happened.”
“I can certainly understand that.”
Michelle gave me a thumbs-up. “Yeah, that’s old news.”
“It still bothers me that people in the church treat that particular sin differently than all the others. That’s why I continue to work on the Giving Life Ministry.”
“Thank God for people like you, Sister Alex.” Michelle took her son. “It’s all right, though. We’re okay now.”
“Good,” I said. “We’ll be meeting at The Push It Fitness Center in a couple of months.”
“Really?”
“Yes, with the official grand opening. My sister is busy renovating the building now.”
“Oh, okay.” Michelle nodded. “Cool.”
“Stop by and join us sometime,” I said.
Michelle stood up. “I will.”
I hugged her and hoped all the love I had inside would spill over to her. People say that misery loves company, but in my case, misery feeds off other people’s joy because seeing Michelle made me happier than I’d been in weeks. And that happiness carried over into that evening when I saw my husband and shared that happiness with him.
Needless to say, Joshua was excited that I still loved him.
A few weeks later, I was eating a bowl of homemade tapioca pudding with Lilah, just enjoying life, when, without any warning, I began to feel nauseated. After throwing up on the bathroom floor twice, I decided to schedule an appointment to see my doctor.
Even though I had been through this time and time again, that didn’t stop me from having the jitters that morning when I walked into Dr. Henley’s office. I hadn’t even told Joshua where I was going that day because I didn’t need additional pressure. I just waited until his schedule was good and full, and then slipped away without hardly being noticed. Lilah was spending time with her grandparents so that made this task a little easier.
Here I was sitting in the waiting room, hoping this wasn’t a false alarm like the last time.
I didn’t know how long I could stay on that roller-coaster ride, which was my life.
“Mrs. Benning,” the nurse said.
I stood up and smiled. “That’s me.”
“How are you?” The nurse smiled at me and continued walking.
“Very well, thanks.” Enough of the small talk, I thought to myself. I was in no mood for pleasantries. I had to know what was going on with my future.
I followed the nurse into Dr. Henley’s office as I had so many times before. It was a midsized room with pastel blue furniture. I remembered from psychology class in college that blue was a soothing color, yet calm was the last word I’d use to describe how I felt. When the doctor entered the room, I immediately stiffened up as if I were about to endure a pap smear or something. Realizing this, I quietly summoned my body to loosen up as the doctor took a blood sample.
“All right, Mrs. Benning, we’ll have the lab results in just a few minutes.”
He was in and out just like that, yet, I was left shivering on the table. I wasn’t cold. I was just anxious to know those results. I needed to know those results for Joshua’s sake, and for the sake of our already shaky marriage. Maybe this time, Lord.
Soon, Dr. Henley returned. I held my breath when I heard his deep voice. “Mrs. Benning, He did it again.”
My heart beat faster. “Pardon me?”
“God did it again,” he said.
I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I don’t understand.”
Dr. Henley laughed heartily. “Another conception. God did it again. You’re pregnant.”
I put my hand over my mouth, and then the tears came. “Oh my goodness. Thank you, Dr. Henley.”
“Don’t thank me. You know who to thank.” Dr. Henley nodded his head and smiled.
“Oh, thank you, Lord. And thank you for all your encouragement.”
“Congratula
tions. Go home and celebrate with your family, and I’ll see you in my office for your first examination in a week.”
The moment I reached my car, I dropped my head down and prayed. “Thank you, Jesus,” I shouted.
Beyond my greatest longings came this second chance from God. Over the years, I’d heard these horror stories about poorly done abortions causing sterility and other malfunctions.
I’d been able to bury that fear up until I started dating Joshua—the only man I ever truly wanted to have children with. Then the doubts started coming up again, the doubts that I could actually conceive a child without complications—or at all. Now that I was able to give Joshua a child, he could fulfill the Benning legacy, and I could fulfill my destiny as a mother.
Chapter Twenty-four
Alex
Cold is not even the word for how bitter it was. The February snow had turned to ice, and after a day of being walked and driven on, it was now a dull gray. In some areas salt was already sprinkled on the ice to prevent slip and fall injuries. As I walked down the sidewalk I was careful not to lose my bearings, though I was wearing my sole-gripping suede boots. The wind whipped my already wild hair, and I threw my hood over my head to protect what decency I had left. I’d tried to call Joshua before I left Dr. Henley’s office, but he was in a meeting so I had to wait to share my good news.
In the meanwhile, I did my usual runs to the supermarket and to the dry cleaners to pick up Joshua’s suits. As I walked down the aisles squeezing mangoes and tomatoes for ripeness, I couldn’t stop thinking about carrying Joshua’s child and about how my life would change.
Maybe, just maybe, this baby would end all the tension. It was about two o’clock in the afternoon when I finally pulled into my parking space. I turned off the ignition, hopped out of my car, and continued walking happily toward the elevator.
Once again, I tried to reach Joshua. I was put on hold. A million thoughts ran through my mind as I listened to the classical music that was playing. I managed to get all the way up to our apartment before I actually reached him. So I settled in on the couch, took a deep breath, and waited for my husband to come to the phone. I couldn’t wait until he got home from the bank.
“Hi, baby,” Joshua said.
I giggled.” Hi, Daddy of the Year.”
“What did you call me?”
I playfully pretended to cough and muffled my voice. “I called you Daddy of the Year.”
“Okay, why? What’s going on?” I could hear the curiosity in my husband’s voice.
“I figured you’re such a great dad already and since you’re going to be a dad for the second time that—”
“A second time?”
“Yep, a second time,” I smiled.
“What are you saying?”
“We’re going to have a baby, Mr. Benning.”
“Yes!” Joshua let out a big breath. “Oh, I’m so happy, Mrs. Benning.”
“I’m happy too, Mr. Benning.”
“Wow. God is so awesome,” Joshua said.
I paused to think about the truth of his statement. “Yes, He is.”
“How ... I mean, when?”
“I just saw Dr. Henley, and I couldn’t wait to tell you.”
Joshua whispered, “Thank you, Lord.” Then he was silent for a minute.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m better than okay, baby,” Joshua said, chuckling.
“Good.” I was so happy I could deliver this news to my husband. We had survived all these months of trying, praying, and confessing. I was so grateful that we didn’t even have to do in vitro fertilization, which was the next step on our list. We were actually scheduled for that procedure two weeks from now.
“This is the best news I’ve had since you agreed to be my wife.”
I could hear the relief in his voice. “For me too.” I was so full of emotion I could hardly speak. Mostly, I just held the phone and let the reality sink in while Joshua talked, and laughed, and planned.
Needless to say, he was ecstatic. This was what we had been praying for since the first week we were married. I was just so grateful to have gotten to that point by God’s grace.
My second call was to my sister, who was very excited about becoming an aunt, and we planned to meet for lunch soon. My next round of calls were to Dad, Aunt Dorothy, and Marisol.
Then I went across the hall and knocked on Ms. Johnson’s door to get Lilah.
Once back at home, I made us two huge bowls of cherry chocolate ice cream.
After all, I was eating for two now, and we had a lot to celebrate. We had decided to wait until Joshua came home so we could tell her together, but judging by the look on Lilah’s face, I was sure she knew something was up.
There was so much to do. I went over to the desktop computer and started researching maternity clothes and supplies on line. Before I knew it, hours had gone by. I hoped the joy I felt during this time would never end.
Two days later, Taylor took me out shopping to celebrate. I picked her up at her apartment building. She came outside with her leg braces and propped herself in the front seat of my car.
Although she was still a little wobbly, this was progress, and I hoped she recognized it as such.
One day she’d walk again. I was sure about that, but in the meantime, would all of us still be able to stand her sometimes bad attitude? That was the real question.
She turned off the soft praise music I was playing and popped in her own gospel rap CD.
“This is a new group. Keith introduced me to them, and they’re hot.”
“Yeah, this sounds all right.”
“All right? This is hype. What are you sayin’?”
“You’re right, it’s hype.” I started to bop my head to the beat. “If you love Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.”
The words were catchy, and the tune was cute, so we danced in the car like we were teenagers, giggling and enjoying the music. Their style was kind of Kirk Franklin—like which,
I thought was cool. When it came to music, Taylor really had good taste. I made up my mind that I’d have to borrow this CD from her later.
We drove down to Macys on Thirty-fourth Street, although we had to park a few blocks over.
“Let’s go down to the maternity department first, ’cause you can’t roll with me for the next few months with that tacky wardrobe of yours.” Taylor shook her head and put her hand in my face.
I slapped her hand away. “Oh, come on. Let’s go.” When we searched the racks, I looked for comfort and affordability while Taylor looked for style and designer. It was definitely a battle of the minds, but I managed to select a few outfits that we could agree upon. I chose one simple pair of denim stretch pants, a pair of black dress slacks, two pretty blouses, one in green and one in pink, and a lovely black party dress.
After we paid for these items, along with nursing bras, support pantyhose, and comfortable cotton underwear, we were ready to go to the children’s department.
Excited about getting started on the nursery, Joshua and I had already decided to paint the small room yellow. Of course, we really planned to move to a bigger place by then so we would have more than enough room for our growing family, including Kiano. Yet, for now, he or she would have to bunk with Lilah because we only had two bedrooms. When the time was right, we’d have to move, hopefully, into a house with a backyard.
In the meantime, I browsed the clothing section for Carters and Disney’s Winnie the Pooh Collection. I listened to Taylor rave about Baby Gap before I purchased several packs of plain white gender infant one-sies, a yellow duck towel set, a colorful infant gym, a yellow tub, and several neutral gender infant toys. This was the most happiness I’d experienced in a long time. I just hoped it would last.
Chapter Twenty-five
Alex
Surprisingly, a few days after Mother Benning found out about my condition, she invited herself over. Bishop Benning was still in the hospital so he wouldn’t be there to referee. Joshua and I were
on our own. I made sure that everything in the apartment smelled and looked fresh and clean. I dusted every corner, every crack, and every crevice. I rewashed every dish, and every eating utensil. I deodorized the entire living room, dining area, and kitchen. I swept and mopped, scrubbed windows, and cooked. Then I even changed into a cute, long black dress so I’d look smaller. By the time she arrived, I was done.
“Hello, dear.” Mother Benning hugged me, and I was taken aback.
“Hello, Mother Benning.” I led her inside and took her jacket.
She looked at Joshua. “Hello, son.”
“Hello, Mother.” Joshua gave his mother a peck on the cheek.
Lilah ran into the room and landed in her grandmother’s arms. “Big Mommy.”
Mother Benning smiled. “Big Mommy’s little sweetheart, how are you?”
“I’m fine. I missed you,” Lilah said, pouting.
“Awww. Big Mommy’s poor baby,” she said in a soft, sweet tone while smoothing Lilah’s hair. “I missed you too.”
When Mother Benning was talking to Lilah it was almost like she was another person.
Joshua and I just stood back and watched in awe as she let her gentler side shine through. She was never harsh with Lilah, and I’m sure Joshua wondered why she couldn’t be that way with him. Or us. She kept interacting with her granddaughter, uninterrupted, for about ten whole minutes before she acknowledged either of us again.
I hoped I didn’t still smell like floor polish when we sat down at the dinner table. Joshua helped me to serve his mother so that everything would go quicker. We had a mildly amicable chicken dinner before she settled in for the kill.
“Well, thank God there is one more Benning to carry on the Benning legacy.”
I was so tired of hearing that. Legacy of hatefulness, I wanted to say, at least if Mother Benning had anything to do with it. How dare that woman go on and on like the sun rose and set on her family only. Like legacies were more important than human beings. I was disgusted with the whole premise, but I kept my mouth closed and listened while my mother-in-law snapped her jaws back and forth. She rattled on and on about honor and heritage.
Count It All Joy Page 13