by Elen Chase
"No, and I hope I won't have to."
"Dan, calm down!" I told him. "Lilian, I'm sorry about this. But is he right? Are you hiding something from us?" I hoped it wasn’t the case, but her silence confirmed he was right. "Lilian, please," I told her, "I need anything, even the most stupid detail you can think of… Please, trust me." She looked at me, then her gaze moved to Dan and again back at me.
"Fine," she said. "I want to believe in you, Drew. Bart once told me about the seven pointed star. He said he had known that symbol for a long time, and that he was taught it represented perfection, nature, and God Himself."
"And why did he bring it up to you?" I asked her.
"He saw a colleague of his father wearing a golden necklace with the symbol in it. And he heard him telling his father a strange phrase: ‘This time before the snow melts, the sinner's blood will save us.’ It was the first time he perceived something strange in his father's behavior, but he still wasn't suspecting anything else; that's probably why he told me about it. That was the very beginning of the end for him."
"They were talking about Shallie," I said, shocked.
"This would have saved us a lot of work," said Dan. "So after he saw the necklace he remembered the symbol in the lion's eye and he got to the book. From the book he got to the articles. And he found out everything. You used us for good," he told Lilian. "Why? Did it make you feel safe knowing that you were ahead of us or something?"
"I would have told you, sooner or later," she said.
"Thank you for your cooperation."
"Cut it out, Dan," I told him, still processing this new information. "Lilian, this is important, thank you for trusting me. Now we know a lot about them. We know when they started, we know how they do it, and we know what they believe in."
"It's still not enough," said Lilian and a small tear fell down her left eye. "Because Bart knew all of this too, and he died." She was right. What went wrong that night? Why did both of them die?
"We have to speak with someone who was there," I said. The next move was getting closer to the Coltens' servants.
"Lilian," said Dan, "don't tell anyone about anything we said here today. Feel free to consider it a threat this time."
"Dan!" I was speaking loudly again. Why was he provoking her so much? Lilian stood up and grabbed him by the collar.
"Go to hell!" she said, and left the room, furious. I followed her outside.
"Lilian, wait!" I called her. "I don't know why he said that, I'm sure he didn't mean to— "
"Andrew Lowell," she said, and her angry tone of voice stopped me from saying anything else, "you are good. That's why I want to believe in you. But your friend is a piece of shit."
"Lilian, no, he's— "
"You love him."
"Eh?"
"That's why you don't see how he really is."
"You don't know him," I said, almost angry now. "You don't know how much he’s done for me." His tears, his smile, his warmth. It was all so precious to me.
"So he never did anything that made you doubt him? Not even for a second?" I wished I could say that I never doubted him. But as soon as she asked, a lot of thoughts flew in my mind like a river.
“Is that blood?”, “Don't worry, it's not mine.” — “The new kids were dead scared of him.” — “Revenge.” — “I have done things I'm not proud of in this seven years.” — “It was quite brutal, blood everywhere, broken bones...” — “He negotiated directly with the boss.” — “The pills. Why do you take them? Tell me the truth this time.” — “I lied for so long, I don't even know what's really me.” — “Something happened, but I don't want to talk about it.” — “Why did you lie?” — “You don't have to. It's easier for me if you don't.”
"Ask yourself if you really know him, Andrew. Don't be like those people blinded by love who refuse to see their partner's darkness." That said, she left. I felt completely empty. I went back and found him standing in the middle of the room, looking at the symbol projected on the wall. He turned to look at me with the same innocent expression he had the day I first talked to him, fourteen years before. He looked like another person. I let myself fall on my knees, tired. He immediately ran to me and put his hands on my shoulders, asking me if I was okay. I passed my arms around his torso and plunged my face on his chest. His smell was delicate, and I could hear his heart beating regularly. I relaxed immediately. I felt like a baby in his mother’s arms. He caressed my head with his left hand.
"Is there darkness inside of you?" I said.
"What?"
"Lilian said something like that."
"I hate how smart that woman is. I'm honestly a brute, you know."
"Deep down I think you're a sadist."
"A reformed masochist, actually."
"Too much information."
He let out a hearty laugh, so unrestrained and honest it melted my brain completely. I was in paradise.
"You look tired," he told me.
"I am… I know I still have to think… Those articles have a lot to say yet…"
"Take it easy. Tomorrow I plan to find out something about the people who were in that villa."
"Do you need help?"
"No, don't worry. I have everything under control."
Chapter 32
The next morning I wanted to spend some more time summarizing what we had found out and think a bit more about all the material, to be sure I wasn't forgetting anything. I thought the time would soon come to go away from that library room and report the results to Dr. Brown. My plans were ruined by a message Chloe sent me, asking to see me and Sean to apologize for that night. Since Dan wasn't around, I decided to go have lunch with them. When I got to the meeting point, they were already waiting for me. Sean was probably telling her one of his jokes, and she seemed to find it funny.
"Guys, I'm sorry about the other night, that was lame," she said when we sat at the table of the diner.
"You don't have to apologize," said Sean. "Are you alright?"
"Yes, I wasn't really expecting to break down like that, but since then I've been feeling way better. That's also why I wanted to talk to you… Drew." She called me, and then I realized I wasn’t really listening. I was distracted by someone who looked like Dan on the other side of the diner.
"Yes?" I said.
"You can tell him I'm good. I was having a lot of fun before that thing happened, anyway! We have to go out again one of these days." In her place I would've tried to avoid Dan with all my soul. But she wanted to see him again, to overcome everything, and I admired that. We ate our lunch normally, doing some small talk.
"He was an idiot," said Sean, "to let a woman like you go."
"I know," she said. "That's why I'm gonna be the happiest person ever and show him that I didn't really need him," she laughed. I was jealous of her. And I couldn't understand why.
"But I have to confess I'm happy you broke up with him," said Sean. "That keeps my hopes up." Since when is he so bold with a girl? He must really like her.
"Well, Sean, I don't feel like getting in another relationship now. The most important person for me now is myself," she said. So he got dumped. I had thought so. Still I felt extremely out of place there, so I ended up looking again at the guy that looked like Dan at the farthest table from us.
"That's perfectly fine, I just want to know you better." Seriously Sean, what has gotten into you? And isn't that Dan after all? Who is the person he's talking with?
"We can be friends, but, really, I don't want to play around with you. You're not my type." Whoa, something's telling me I'll have to clean up the pieces of his broken heart all day. Dan's there with a guy… isn't he the one he was following? What was his name again?
"That's fine, I told you I just want to know you better." He's still going at it, has my friend gone completely crazy or what? And don't you even care I'm here at all? Yeah, that guy with the long face is definitely that student who was working for Colten. Why are they sitting in a diner like n
othing?
"Sean, you're kind of freaking me out." Chloe, you are absolutely right. No means no, for God's sake. And those two are too close… what the fuck is going on?
"Please don't misunderstand!" Is he smiling at him? Wasn't he supposed to follow up on him? "I have to be honest, I was immediately attracted to your looks and I had an idea of you that proved itself completely wrong." They look like they're having fun… is that flirting? "But the more I talk to you the more I see that there's so much more I haven't seen yet." If that giraffe tries taking his hand, I'm gonna go beat the crap out of him. "And I like it!" I wish I could hear what they're talking about.
"I don't want to be rude, but it's a waste of time. You won't get anything from me." Is he moving his chair close to Dan's? Why does he let him do that?
"I told you, I don't care!" This is getting nerve-wracking. They're leaving the diner! "Even if you'll never give a shit about me, I still think it's worth it!" Oh no, get your dirty hand off his shoulder, you fucking fish face! "I can feel it… you're worth wasting my time on."
"Enough!" I said, slamming my hand on the table. Then I realized I said it out loud. Whatever, it was too late. "Sorry guys, I ruined your… moment, whatever it was… you can go on without me." I left the table without letting them say a word and went out, following those two. They stopped in front of a car in the parking lot, presumably that guy's car, and kept on talking. At the open field right next to the parking area, the university baseball club was practicing. That day the weather was so hot it seemed mid-summer, even though it was still spring. I had the bad feeling they'd get in the car together and go away. I couldn't allow that.
"Hey, Dan! Fancy meeting you here," I said, faking a smile. Dan gave me a what-the-fuck-are-you-doing-here face, but I didn't care. "And you are?" I asked the guy.
"I'm Timothy, Timothy Spencer, and who are you?" he said. Even his name got on my nerves. Timothy… fuck all the Timothies of the planet.
"He's Drew, he's just… a friend of mine," said Dan, still looking at me like I was a ticking time bomb. And I really felt like one.
"Oh, right," I told Dan, "I thought you were busy today… what happened with that thing you were supposed to do?"
"We can talk about it later."
"I see… it looks like I interrupted something?" I said.
"Actually, Drew, I was about to invite your friend over, so if you'll excuse us," said the guy. My name never sounded so irritating as in that moment.
"Excuse you, in case you haven't noticed, I'm talking with Dan."
"What the hell is going on here?" said the guy. "All this time you never told me you had a boyfriend."
"In fact, I don't," said Dan, looking at me as if he wanted to kill me.
"All this time? How long have you been seeing him?" I asked, grabbing his arm.
"We'll talk about it later," he said through clenched teeth.
"Can't you see he doesn't want you to make a scene?" said fish face. Now I was really about to punch him.
"Look, can we meet another time?" Dan asked him. "I'm sorry about this." He's sorry about what? Me? No way you're gonna see him again.
"Okay," said fish face, "just a piece of advice: jealous guys like this only mean trouble." He gave me an annoyed look, got in the car and left.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?!" Dan screamed at me when we were alone. "He was telling me everything!"
"Oh, so this is how you get people to tell you things!" I screamed back at him. I was furious. "How long have you been seeing him?"
"A couple of weeks."
"So while I was stuck in that room reading the same, fucking, creepy things over and over you were having fun with that guy!"
"I wasn't having fun with anyone! I had to gain his trust to ask about his job."
"Oh, I'm sure you can be very persuasive."
"Better than you, who keeps acting like a fucking drama queen."
I grabbed him by the collar, "What did you say?" That fire I felt in the stomach was killing me. I had never been so tempted to beat him.
"You're not the center of the universe. Do things your way and I'll do things mine." It was the first time I ever saw him really angry at me. Somehow it got to my nerves even more.
"You're a fucking bitch," I told him. I only thought of him touching someone else with the same hands he touched my face with, hug them like he did with me, show them that look in his eyes… I could never forgive him.
"Welcome back to the real world, Drew. That's exactly what I am. Don't act surprised now."
I was about to ask him how far he had gone with him, so angry I was ready to never touch him again, when I felt a strong pain on the right side of my head, and I lost balance. I fell, hitting the ground with my head, and from that perspective I saw a baseball roll on the ground. A familiar feeling… like when I met Shallie.
I didn't lose consciousness but my memories of what happened later are a bit confused. I remember the guys from the baseball club apologizing and the infirmary doctor taking a look at me. Fortunately I just had a cut in the point I hit the ground and it didn't seem there was any concussion. The doctor suggested that I go to the hospital later that day for a checkup, and then he was called for an emergency in another part of the campus. He left me in the infirmary with Dan, who had volunteered to disinfect my cut while the doctor was away. Hitting my head like that helped me calm down. I was now just very confused. I was jealous, wasn't I? Dead jealous of seeing Dan with fish face. And I took it too far.
"I'm sorry," I told him.
"It's fine. We'll talk about it another time," he seemed worried. Was he back to be the same person who hugged me so gently the day before? I couldn't help feeling a conflict between how he was acting with me and with others. Which one is the real you? What do you want, what do you think? What's going on in your mind? I was sweating. The weather was seriously too hot to be May. I remembered the spring days we spent together as kids. Is that still you? “What a cute boy,” the mums would say about him at the school events. Big blue eyes, white skin, wavy black hair and thin pink lips. All of that was still there, so close to me. I found myself holding my breath. What the hell was happening to me? His lips so close to my face were a temptation I hadn't thought of. His concentrated expression was attracting me like a magnet. He has no idea what's going through my head. If I kissed him now, how would he react? That thought scared me. What the hell am I thinking? Why would I kiss him? Dan is my friend, I keep repeating it everyday, so much I have almost convinced myself. It's true, that night at the pub I seriously thought I wanted to kiss him… but I was just drunk, right? I swallowed and saliva stopped in my throat like a fur ball. I felt hot throughout my whole body. Every time he moved closer to disinfect or put the bandage on the cut, I couldn't help staring at his neck, so white and fine, and lose myself in the skilled touch of his hands. I was so evidently excited I found myself praying he wouldn't notice. Why does he smell so good? We use the same shampoo and soap. How can his smell be so sexy?
"Drew, are you feeling okay? You don't have a fever, do you?" he said, worried, looking in my eyes. That was bad. I lost my mind.
"It's hot. I might really have a fever," I said with a cracked voice, then I put my forehead on his and stared at him. Stop! What are you doing?
"Drew…" he was about to move back away from me and I blocked him, my hands on his neck. Bad move, the bare thought of having his skin under my fingers was almost making my nose bleed.
"Dan, I have a fever," I whispered to him. "I don't know what's happening to me." I let myself go and pressed my lips on his. Soft and wet, they caused an electric shock to spread from my mouth throughout my body. It took me all my energy to realize what I was doing. I was scared, with my heart beating so strong, like it was trying to come out of my chest. I have to stop now, or it's gonna go past the point of no return. I have to stop now and pretend it was something of no importance. I forced myself to move away, feeling totally lost. Dan looked completely in shock, wit
h his beautiful eyes wide open, unable to say anything. An awkward silence surrounded us, and I couldn't look him in the eyes. Recently I had been touching him a lot; holding his hand, hugging him every time I could, honestly. I needed his warmth more than anything, but somehow it felt okay, probably because it was all things we had done in the past too. But now, this? I had no excuse for this. And the worst part was that in the middle of that confusion, I wasn't regretting it at all. On the contrary, my body was asking for more.
"It… it's better if you take a taxi to the hospital," he said, averting his eyes. Should I apologize? I don't want to, it wasn't a mistake. But I don't want it to be awkward between us either.
"Dan…"
"Don't," he stopped me. "I have to go," he said, standing by the door. "Let me know what they tell you at the hospital."
"… yeah." He left without even listening to me.
Chapter 33
"Dad," I waved my hand and smiled at him, so that he wouldn't worry too much about me being in the hospital again.
"You can never stay away from trouble, can you?" he sighed. "What was it this time?"
"A foul ball."
"Again?"
"I should probably avoid sport fields from now on."
"So, did you get the results already?"
"Yup. I don't understand a word written on it, but the doctor said I'm fine." I showed him the results of the checkup I did there at the hospital, on my watchpad.
"Yes, you were lucky," he said, reading it carefully. "Are you feeling alright? Headache?" I shook my head. "Are you sure?" he asked. "You’re acting weird today." He could read me like a magazine; he couldn't have chosen a better career. I was still thinking nonstop about that kiss, but there was no way I could tell that to my father.
"I feel a bit lost," I confessed him, hoping it would be enough for him.
"What happened?" he asked me, and I looked away. "Is it about Dan?" Is he a wizard or something? The sensation of Dan's lips came back to my mind and my body. "Are you blushing?"