by Elen Chase
Chapter 78
I sat back on the floor, picked his pants and shirt up and made the sign to come closer with my hand. Dan sat next to me, and I helped him put his clothes back on. I got dressed too, still feeling slippery because of the oil, and sticky and wet from sweat. But I was happy.
"Drew..." Dan said my name almost as if it was a magic spell, hugging me, his face on my chest, "recently all I do is cry."
"That's fine, Dan," I told him, my lips laying a light kiss on his head. "I think you're adorable. Likewise, if you didn't cry in my arms I'd be completely useless. Let me be the cool guy once in awhile."
"You love me." He seemed somewhat shocked, and his eyes coyly searched mine.
"Yes, I love you," I said, and my heart skipped a beat, as if I was a teenager confessing his love for the first time. He looked at me with a troubled expression. "What's wrong?" I asked, passing my hand on his face.
"In the past, I have been told ‘I love you’ a few times, by a few people… Sometimes it sounded honest, sometimes it sounded just as an excuse to use my body," he told me. "But I never really understood what kind of feeling it is. When you told me that saying that to Shallie felt natural for you, I wasn't able to understand why or how… I don't even know if I have ever been in love." He paused then said, "And then there's this… what I feel for you… Can I really call it that?"
"Don't force yourself, okay?" I told him. "I know what you feel for me, even if you don't say anything."
"I want to express it somehow, but… I don't understand it completely… I'm sorry…"
"Why are you apologizing now?" I giggled. "I didn't tell you because I wanted to hear it back. If you're confused about using those words that's fine too, Dan. Our feelings won't change just for that. If it makes you feel uneasy, I won't say it anymore."
"No, that's not it." His cheeks flushed under the light touch of my thumbs. "You can say it anytime you want."
"If the word ‘love’ is the problem, we can find another one," I said, smiling, and I pulled him back into my arms. "Let me think… You're warm, sweet and delicious… What about boiled potato?"
"What the—”
"Sorry, I just felt like eating one," I said, laughing.
"Drew..." He seemed sort of disappointed. Definitely adorable.
"Your turn," I said, crossing my fingers with his while holding his hand.
"You are my home," he looked deeply in my eyes, "my family... the place I belong to." Those words made my heart almost jump off my chest. It reminded me of when Dad had asked me to find another word for “home.” I had finally understood what he meant. Dan kept talking, "I didn't know I had you. I thought I had lost you forever… It hurt, because I was the one who let you go first. But you stayed… even if I hurt you, even if I was ready to give up… even if I'm like this now." He closed his eyes, holding my hand stronger. "When you're not with me, I feel broken, cold, and scared. You fill me up when I'm feeling empty."
"Precisely like a boiled potato," I said to break the tension between us, and it worked. He burst into a hearty laugh, the most beautiful I had ever heard.
"Again with that?" he said, and I kissed him.
"Want to go back?" I picked his hair band up from the floor and tied his hair back in his usual ponytail.
"It's awful," he said. "They saw me crying like that. I feel so pathetic."
"They saw me on the floor screaming for help with my veins cut open after I had almost drowned in my own vomit," I said. "It can't be worse than that, right?"
"What if it happens again?"
"Don't run away if it happens again. You won't regret it," I said, poking his nose with my finger. "Tell me what happened before with that picture."
"I thought of Shallie and Bart," he said. "I wished they could be here. And I was grateful that the baby was born safe and sound."
"That's also thanks to you," I told him. "Shallie and Bart would be proud of you. Lilian will be back when the baby will be old enough to fly. Let’s go meet them then."
"Yes… I’ll have a lot of explaining to do. Do you think she will forgive me?"
"I think you are underestimating her. She will understand." I stood up, gave him back his crutch and we walked back to my room.
"You know… looking at the baby I thought that we were all like that once," he said. "Small, defenseless, depending completely on our mothers. I thought that if I’m alive, it means my mother cared for me at that time. Can you believe it, Drew? Inside our mothers’ bellies we cannot even breathe on our own. We live exclusively thanks to them. Then we come out, and we’re completely different individuals. I think life itself is…"
"Unsettling," I said.
"I was about to say fascinating." He smiled.
"I admire how sensitive you are. I'm still a kid on this point of view." He looked at me, waiting for me to explain it better. "We’re born all slimy and covered in blood. I find it a little disgusting. I usually don’t like to get too close to newborn babies."
"Pfff—" he held back a laugh, "Shallie must have had it hard, planning a future with you."
"Did she tell you that?" I asked, worried.
"No," he shook his head, "her eyes shined every time she pronounced your name."
I took his free hand in mine, "Dan, will you tell me more about those days you spent with her? Whenever you feel ready."
"I will. I want to tell you so many other things too."
“When I woke up you were coming to see me, in a hurry, outside visit time. I always wondered why.”
“You’d laugh at me if I told you,” he said, smiling at the ground.
“I’d never laugh at you, Dan,” I replied, dead serious.
“I dreamed of An. She told me that you were coming home. It was just a dream, yet I felt I had to come check on you,” he said. “I feel like such a kid.”
An, you did it again. “Don’t,” I smiled at him, “one day I’ll tell you another unbelievable story.”
"Oh, you're back," commented Sean as we went back in the room. Chloe came toward us and hugged Dan. He seemed surprised, but maybe also a little happy about it.
"Are you feeling better?" she asked him.
"Yes, thank you."
"Dan, come to sit here," Sean told him, pointing at the chair next to his. Dan did as he said, and Sean continued, "You know, Dan, I have been wondering for a long time why all the people I know love you so much. Then I realized that the reason is that you make them happy. Without even knowing it, you give them something, selflessly, like when you rushed to save my life, risking yours. I think that to do such a thing, you must be incredible in your own way." Dan's eyes were wide open, I could tell he wasn't expecting any of that. Sean seemed flustered too. "Anyway, we're your friends, so if you feel like crying, you can do it."
"I..." Dan looked at me as to ask me what to do, but I simply smiled at him. I wanted him to find his own answer. "… Thank you… Alan," he said in the end.
"Get my name right at least at these times, damn it!" said Sean, and Dan chuckled again, melting my brain completely.
God, I love him.
Later that evening, Dan came to my room when he had finished with his therapy. Visit time had passed, and that day for the first time, neither of my parents was there, so it was just the two of us.
"Drew, there's something I want to discuss with you." He was very serious, holding himself really still. I knew there was a lot going on in his mind, and I truly hoped I could ease his worries, even just a little. Suddenly, I saw a shiver passing through his body.
"Sure, but… do you feel cold?" I asked him.
"A little bit," he said, and I had an idea. I moved on the side of the bed and invited him in. He blushed. "What if somebody comes?" He was probably thinking of when Dad had seen us kissing.
"Nobody comes at this hour. Come on, you weren't so worried this afternoon, and we were in way worse conditions."
"Fine, you win," he said and hesitantly lay in my bed next to me. My hand traced the li
ne of his jaw, down to his neck, as our legs entwined, pressing our bodies together. I nuzzled at his chest, as his arms looped around my neck in a warm hug.
"It's getting colder recently, especially at night," I said, relaxing in his arms.
"Achoo!"
"Dan?" I moved my head up to him. "Did you catch a cold? Could it be… Was it today? Because we did it on the floor?"
"No, the thing is… I get very sweaty at night, because of my nightmares, and then I feel cold." Right, his panic attacks. I held him tighter. What can I do to make him feel better?
"Stay here tonight," I told him, stroking my body against his in an attempt to convey to him how much I cared. I hadn’t considered my well-meaning cuddles would turn me on so desperately. "I'll keep you warm." I kissed his neck and slipped my hand under his shirt.
"Drew, wait, what are you doing?" I could hear his heart beating fast, his breath shallow with passion. Yet I had the feeling something was holding him back.
"Let's do it again." I slid over and rolled over on top of him.
"Eh? No, wait."
"Why not? You want it too. You're hard."
"Someone might hear us."
"We'll keep quiet."
"Impossible."
"How come this wasn't a problem today?"
"I had lost my head," he muttered. I leaned on him and kissed him passionately.
"Lose it again," I whispered to him. "You’re so beautiful when you’re all taken by me and mine under every point of view." I pulled our pants down to our knees, and thrust against him in a hot, simulated fucking with our erections rubbing together.
"Drew… Nh..." Seeing how much he enjoyed it was making my own arousal grow, and I moved one hand down between his legs, slightly touching his opening.
"Dan, I want to be inside of you… Can we try? I’ll stop if it hurts," I said, and he shook his head. "What's wrong?" I asked him. "I’d never force you, I swear, I—"
"It’s the oil from before," he told me, avoiding my eyes. "I showered but I can still feel it inside… I feel gross."
"Is this why you're holding back this much?" I said and let out a sigh of relief. I was becoming afraid it was something more serious. "You could never be gross to me. Never."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure," I said, and he let me take off his pants. "If you don’t want it, that’s another matter."
"I want it."
I put two fingers inside. "You want... this?"
"Nh," he gasped as I went in, but he seemed to like it.
"You're right, it's still so slippery." I moved my fingers inside of him. "Isn't it better this way? I was worried because we didn't have any lube."
"Drew… take me." Damn it, you’re too sexy. He turned on his stomach, and I took him slowly from behind, with my right hand moving on him. From that position I could go incredibly deep, putting it all in right from the start. "Nh… Ahh..." Dan grabbed the sheets, holding tight to them.
"Dan, you're so hot." Looking at him and hearing his moans made me reach my limit rather quickly, and I had to hold back with all my strength until he was ready.
"More… stronger." He guided me, helping me to bring him to his climax. He came first, and then I finally let myself go. I hugged him strong, pressing my face on his neck and kissing his tattoo. I fell on him, and he turned his head to me in search of my lips. I was exhausted and incredibly sleepy. That perspective reminded me of our first time.
"Dan, our very first night together… tell me the truth… Did you hate it?"
He flipped over, now laying on his back. His fingers brushed my skin, as if he was drawing the shape of my cheekbones. "Drew, no," he slowly shook his head, "I didn't hate it. That night I was just confused… I felt guilty. Toward Shallie, for having sex with her boyfriend, who I had sworn to protect. And toward you, for how I had hurt you and for all the lies I was telling you."
I felt a cold shower on me. "You were crying." I said it as if I needed to confirm it, but at that point I already knew.
"So you had noticed."
Of course. It wasn't a dream, that sensation of his tears on my face as he was kissing me. Why didn't I realize that before? He cried in silence all night after what I did to him. No, he was probably crying right from the start, when he hid his face from me, after I kissed his tattoo.
"I made so many mistakes with you." The past cast a shadow over us, and my mood plummeted. I couldn't believe I had him, despite everything I did to him.
"Drew," he called my name in a sweet whisper. I lost myself in the ocean he had in his eyes, unable to breathe. "I love you," he said to me, his eyes trembling. "I’ve been loving you for the past fourteen years."
My heart stopped, caught in an unbearable happiness.
We love each other.
Chapter 79
After making love that night, we spent some time in bed, lazily kissing and enjoying that new, endearing tenderness between us. We talked about our future and what we were going to do once we got discharged from the hospital. Dan had thought a lot about it and had originally come to my room that night to discuss exactly that.
"Drew, I wasn't expecting you to call me so suddenly," Sara told me the day before both Dan and I were being discharged.
"I know, sorry. Dan is feeling better today and he asked me to call you." In the end he had come down with a pretty high fever and was blocked in bed for days. We walked to his room and found him quietly asleep like a baby. I knew how important it was for him to talk to Sara that day, so I got close to him and woke him up with a kiss.
"Hey, how are you feeling?" Sara asked him, taking his hand. He held her hand in his and smiled at her gently.
"I wanted to see you," he told her. "There's something I need to tell you, and I wanted us to be alone."
Sara looked surprised, and a part of her was probably worried hearing those words. I could read it on her face.
"Did something happen?" she asked. "If there's something I can do, I..."
"No, don't worry," he said. "I don't want to ask for anything… Sara, I wanted to thank you."
She relaxed, letting out a small sigh, and then she smiled brightly. "Dan, you scared me for a moment. You don't have to thank me, I—”
"You've always been by my side," he said, serious. "I never told you, because I was afraid of creating any bond with you, but when I first started the job, I was dead scared. I felt awfully lonely, always. Then I would see you, everyday so strong, cheerful, caring, and you became a role model for me. You never knew about it, but your smile saved me… countless times." He was still holding her hand, looking straight into her eyes. She was speechless. "I was always grateful for the kindness that you showed me, but I didn't want you to find out. I tried to keep you out of my life in any possible way. And you always waited for me, every single time I left." He was now trying to hold back his tears. "I often thought, ‘What have I done to deserve this?’ I feel so lucky to have met you. Sara, thank you for loving me for so long."
Hearing those words, she burst into a desperate cry. "Why, Dan?" she screamed. "Why are you telling me this now?"
"Sara… " he whispered her name.
"You're leaving, forever this time, aren't you?" she said, in tears. "I knew this day would come. Everyone moves on sooner or later. You're all gonna leave me… I should be happy… I should send you off with a smile… but I feel so left behind!"
"Sara!" he called her name and hugged her, and she hit his chest with her fist, desperate.
"I don't want to be alone," she cried, grabbing his shirt. He held her tight, passing one hand through her hair. "Don't leave me, Dan, don't leave me alone."
"I'm not leaving you," he told her.
"Eh?" she moved her head up to look at him, still trembling and with tears in her eyes.
"Sara, I'll leave the job once and for all, but I won't go anywhere," he explained calmly. "I… I thought I wanted to do something for you…" She had stopped crying and was now listening carefully to him. "All the money
I have left from old jobs, especially what I got from that man… I want you to have it and use it to pay back that debt that forces you to stay at the brothel, and start over." He took a breath and continued, "You patiently waited for me for so many years… From now on, I will be waiting for you. So don't be scared of leaving… Be free," he said, putting his forehead on hers.
"Dan..." She seemed completely in shock. "I don't know what to say."
"You don't have to say anything," I said, sitting on the chair next to her.
"But, you said it's all your money… What are you gonna do without it?"
"We'll start back from zero," I said. "We'll think of something, as long as we are together."
"Dan, Drew..." She took our hands in hers. "Thank you," she said, and before she knew it, she was crying again.
I was sure we had made the right decision. Our future was a shot in the dark, but that was fine. We were together.
◆◆◆
The next day we were finally both getting discharged after more than a month in the hospital. My parents had offered us to stay at their place for a while, but we decided to go back home. They came to see us off, and we took a taxi to go back. None of our friends had come to pick us up; they had probably thought we'd want to be alone for a while, and they were absolutely right.
"Do you need help to go up the stairs?" I asked him as we entered the building, considering that his leg hadn't recovered completely yet. Also, the fever had weakened him a lot.
"It's fine, I just need to rest from time to time."
"Don't you feel like we're a couple getting back from honeymoon?" I asked him.
"Sure, with a few extra holes in our bodies."
"Come on, I'll carry you to bed in my arms."
"No thank you, I can walk on my own." We reached our door.
"Dan..." I gently pushed him to the door and kissed him. "I love you."
"Me too," he said in a whisper.
"No," I said, smiling and shaking my head, "not ‘me too.’"
"I love you too," he said then in a shy whisper as I kissed him again. I held his hand strong and opened the door.
"WELCOME BACK!" screamed Sara and Chloe, their words accompanied by the sound of a lot of party poppers being fired and a shower of paper confetti falling on us.