I simply nod. "Coffee sounds good, but not now. How about I call you?"
His grin slowly turns into a genuine smile. "Of course." He simply accepts.
Epilogue
(Ten Years Later)
It's not easy to find love, again. I remember when I fell in love with this special boy, with the dorky glasses and the mischievous attitude. You will always be with me, no matter how far you seem to be. Honestly, I love everything about you.
Reading the newspaper, my telephone starts to ring as a distraction. Slowly pacing towards the phone, I boringly answer. "Hello," I ask.
"What's crack-a-lacking, Inn?" Grady slyly answers.
"Um, nothing much, just sitting down, reading the newspaper, and drinking hot tea." I simply say as I flick a piece of dandruff out of my dark blue sweater. "What are you doing?" I ask.
"Well, Rhiannon is taking the children to daycare, as I am relaxing in my man cave."
I simply roll my eyes. "You and your laziness..." I trail.
He scoffs. "How are you, Alex, and little Nathan doing?"
I slowly cringe as he mentions the name 'Nathan'. Of course, it has been eight years since his death, but I still miss him, dearly. I know I should let go of the dead because it's more natural and I won't feel insecure. However, he's my first true love.
"Alex is getting a promotion this week. I'm excited for him. Nathan, he's excelling in school, quite well. He's so intelligent. He got that from his father, mostly." I compliment as a small smile slowly forms across my face.
Grady chuckles, "Well, he got it from you as well."
"Hmm," I soothe.
Suddenly, Grady interrupts the dead silence. "Inn, I got to go. Rhiannon's mother is visiting, and she'll throw a hissy fit at me if I don't answer the door between one or two doorbells." Grady explains as I start giggling through the receiver. Then, he swiftly hangs up the phone.
♠♣♥♦
Every morning of the week, I always visit the cemetery. Alex doesn't know anything about my visitation because he doesn't like me mentioning about my exes. It is uncomfortable to talk about it, because it has happened in the past. Little Nathan doesn't know why he is named 'Nathan'. He somehow reminds me of my Nathan.
Oh, how I dearly miss him.
Before I went to the cemetery, I decide to buy a bouquet of daisies. I don't know what type of flower Nathan prefers, but I always think that daisies bring joy in life. However, Nathan is so many things, when he was still alive.
Honestly, I do want to marry him and share a great life with him. Sadly, nothing in life satisfies anyone because something drastic will happen. I'm always deathly afraid because I hate going through shit in my life.
Bringing the bouquet of daisies to the cashier, the lady, with the dark brown hair, bores towards my face. She looks very unhappy. "Hello," I simply introduce.
"Hi," she rudely says, while wiping her nose with her employee t-shirt. I decide to read her nametag as it says: Melinda.
"What a nice name you have, Melinda." I smile, trying to create a conversation with the cashier.
She just shrugs and swipes the price tag to the monitor. "That'll be $8.98."
Well, she's just a mean, grumpy woman.
Ignoring my comment, I pull out my money from my jean pockets and hand her ten dollars. She gently takes it from me as she places it in the cash register and removes the remaining amount to me. She gives me the remains and the receipt, as I grab the bouquet of flowers, which is inside the plastic bag. Seriously, who places flowers inside a plastic bag?
"$1.02 is your change... Have a good day." She says boringly.
I roll my eyes and simply say, "You too."
Walking out of the shopping center, my phone starts to ring. I swiftly pull out my cell phone as I read the caller ID: Ivy. "What do you want?"
"Hey, I haven't spoken to you in a long while. What are you up to?"
"Uh, nothing much, I just came out of the store to buy something." I say truthfully.
"Hmm, I miss seeing you. You should visit Michael and I for a warm, guest party this weekend."
"Uh, I can't. Alex has this important meeting in Seattle, and I need to babysit Nathan."
Ivy doesn't quickly respond. I stand there in silence for a couple of seconds. Then, I hear her talking, again. "Well, you should bring Nathan with you to Colorado Springs. It's so gorgeous. Nathan will have tons of fun at the water park!"
"Ivy, Nathan can't swim." I confirm, biting onto the bottom of my lip.
"So, Michael can teach him." Ivy suggests.
"Well," I trail, chewing onto the bottom of my lip. "I suppose." I admit.
"Great!" she squeals. "I'll see you very soon in Colorado! I expect to see you and the little fellow, especially your husband, Alex." She teases, and then she hangs up the phone. I want to say something to her before she hung up, but I know that it's too late.
Sighing, I place my phone back into my jean pocket and walk towards my car.
♠♣♥♦
Visiting the cemetery, I stop in front of Nathan Leo Hampton's grave. I read the carvings onto the stone as it reads, Nathan Leo Hampton - born on February 24, 1991 and died on December 31, 2011. Rest in peace.
Suddenly, tears start flowing down my cheeks. Memories seem to flow inside my mind. Breathing in deeply, I tightly close my eyes before setting the daisies onto the grave. I still remember that tragedy, which was the last time I saw him. I still remember the wonderful speech for Grady and Rhiannon's dinner rehearsal.
Swallowing a lump in my throat, I hesitantly open my mouth. "I miss you." I whisper.
Those are the three important words, which firstly escapes from my mouth.
Truly, I do miss him. I miss everything about him. I miss his smile. I miss his quirky stamina. I miss his smell, his taste, and everything about him. I pray every night that this isn't happening. I close my eyes and pretend everything is all right. My sleeping habits are very horrid.
Alex complains about me waking up at night, walling. Then, he gets up out of the bed and sleeps in the guest room. Surely, it's all my fault. I blame myself as the cause for Nathan's death. I know that I have to move on, but I still want him here, with me. I still have a place for him inside my heart.
"It's been eight years, since your departure." I pause, swallowing the lump in my throat, again. "Um, I truly miss you. I still love you." Licking my lips, I slump down to my knees.
"I don't know what to do without you." My voice suddenly goes hoarse. I try fighting the tears, but they keep streaming down my face. Wiping it with my sleeve, I proceed. "I'm still with Alex, if you're wondering." I sniff.
My brown eyes wonder around my surroundings. "I have a son, now. He's seven years old." I hesitate, still wiping the tears out of my face. "He's so smart - you should see him. He somehow reminds me of you. He can be stubborn and smart aleck. He has big dreams on becoming a firefighter." I sob.
"Um, I wish you are here with me." I whisper as I fiddle with my fingers. "I remember the last time we actually spoke. You know, the night of the dinner rehearsal. Yeah, I wish that this is happening. I wish that you're still with me. We could've raised wonderful children together."
Chuckling, I wipe the bangs out of my face. "Alex is a great father, too. I love him as much as I love you. He's a great guy. I wish you could meet him." Smiling, my vision becomes blurry because more tears flow out of my eyes.
"Oh god, I look like a total wreck. Look at me, I smeared my makeup." I giggle.
I decide to sit in front of Nathan's grave in total silence for a couple of minutes. Before leaving, I check my watch to see the time. It's almost four o'clock. I should be picking up little Nathan from daycare any minute. Before leaving his grave, I decide to say one more thing.
"I brought these daisies for you, just in case." I shut my eyes. "Nathan, I will never forget the day that we met. I will never forget the day that we fell in love. I will never forget that romantic summer together, because I still cherish everything that we d
id. I will never forget the day that you came back to my life, after our horrible break-up. Although you expected so much from me, I want to expect that I am happy. I'm happy with Alex. I was happy, being with you as well, but I know that you want me to move on and find happiness." I pause, swallowing the dry lump.
"Love and happiness," I try quoting his speech from the dinner rehearsal. "Love is a mysterious thing in life. It can make you happy. It can make you mad. It can even make you do the craziest shit in life, too. Love is kind. Love is complicated. Love is so much more than meets the eye." I switch around the speech, a little bit.
"Nathan, I still am in love with that wonderful speech. I can never forget it." I whisper, shutting both of my eyes. Suddenly, I feel the wind blow against me. I inhale deeply as I reminisce the moments we shared together.
Opening my eyes, I slowly check the time. "I should get going. Little Nathan will be very cranky if I don't pick him up on time."
Getting up from my knees, I dust off the leaves and dirt off my jeans. Staring at his grave, I slowly replay all those memories I had with Nathan Leo Hampton - the skater boy to the most wonderful boy I have ever known. Turning around, I walk towards my car. However, I come to a halt as I see a little boy, with those dorky glasses, standing in front of a grave.
Somehow, the little boy faces towards me. I get a good insight of him as he slowly starts to remind me of Nathan's appearance. A small smile slowly creeps upon my face. Unexpectedly, the little boy waves towards me. Then, I reciprocate.
♠♣♥♦
Driving to the daycare, I watch little Nathan running towards the car with a huge smile on his face. Everything about little Nathan reminds me of my lover, Nathan. I swear that the child is not his, but every day, he slowly reminds me of him. "Mommy, guess what happened at school, today!" Nathan cheers as he jumps into his car chair.
"What happened at school, today?" I say as I stare at the rearview mirror.
"Today, we studied about snakes and other reptiles. Oh, and we also went to the zoo!" He proceeds, being all excited. I giggle.
"Well, I'm glad that you had fun at school." I simply congratulate.
"Mom," he asks, giving out a serious look. "Are you and Daddy in love?"
"Yes, we are in love. Why do you ask?"
"Well, Stacy's parents explained about true love. They even showed it, too. We also had a show and tell before we all road tripped to the zoo, today. Anyways, I can never tell that you and Daddy are in love. Is it there?"
"Honey, when you grow older, you will know more about being in love. Right now, let's just go home and bake cookies with Mommy, okay?" I ask.
Nathan simply nods. "Can we make dinosaur cookies, instead?" his eyes widen.
I chuckle. "Of course, we can." I smile and start the engine as we drive towards home.
♠♣♥♦
At the age of sixteen, I have found love. At the age of nineteen, I have found love, again. Now, I'm twenty-nine years old, and I'm still in love with the man who isn't really in my life, anymore. Sure, it seems ridiculous to be in love with a deceased, but love is still there.
Right now, I'm tucking little Nathan to sleep as I decide to read a story to him. He always loves bedtime stories before going to sleep. "Mommy, tell me the story when you and Daddy met."
"Honey, I already told you that story like ten times." I complain.
He pouts. "Still, I want to hear it, again."
"Well, your father and I met at a football game. We were teenagers. He was the most popular jock in school, and I was the studious, quiet girl." I trail, but Nathan interrupts me.
"Mommy, is Daddy your first, true love?" he simply asks.
My eyes begin to wander around the room. "Yes. He absolutely is." I smile.
"Oh, okay. Will I ever find my first, true love?" he questions.
I giggle as I place a quick kiss onto his tiny forehead. "Yes, you will. Now, go to sleep."
He yawns and nods, slowly, while shutting his eyes. "Goodnight, Mommy."
"Night," I soothe, while slowly switching off the lights. "I love you."
"Love you, too." He yawns, again.
Mommy, is Daddy your first true love? I repeat the same question that my little boy has asked. Honestly, I want to say that his real father is dead. Yes, little Nathan is named after his real father, but it's such a shame that he isn't with us, now. Alex doesn't know who the real father is, so he just assumes that he's the father.
After the death of Nathan Hampton, I became pregnant. Therefore, I always tell the story about my first true love to my wonderful little boy.
THE END
What Love Has Lost Page 16