“Can I show you where I want to build the house?”
“The house? You have it all planned do you?” I question as he leads me to a clearing where a house stood once before many years ago, but was lost to a fire.
“Sunshine, we get one life and I don’t plan on wasting one second of it. I knew the minute I seen you standing in your Aunt Jane’s living room a few months ago that this is what I wanted. Us standing right here looking over our farm, as we grow old together.”
“I want that too Paul.” I know we can be happy. I’m not going to fight something that feels so right. When you know…you just know and you go for it.
12
Baby
“Well then why in the fuck am I still paying you!” I screech in Stoke’s ear and hang up on him after hearing that he can’t even get in to sit down with the warden at the prison—where my father disappeared from weeks ago. Such a crock of shit. All men are bastards; they are only good for their fucking sperm! And sometimes that isn’t worth a plug nickel. I kick at the dirt and rocks by my car as I wait for Romeo to meet me.
I forgot to give him the books I had for Dawn that belonged to Rumor. I should have just said piss on it and donated them to the library, but I didn’t want to shit on Dawn, because her dad is a fucker.
Well he isn’t a complete fucker, but I am not very happy with him at the moment. He could have saved us both a lot of trouble had he just been honest, and told me he wanted that junkie cunt back when she came back.
I hope she doesn’t do wrong by the kids and if she is what will make him happy then so be it. Who in the hell am I to stand in their way?
Romeo pulls up on his motorcycle looking like a silver fucking fox. I can’t help that I am still attracted to him. He is one handsome devil and the bastard knows it too. But I could never be with him knowing what I do now, our relationship was never based on love, it was an unhealthy attraction.
His lip twitches seeing me strutting towards him wearing my favorite black studded heels. I watch him amused, as his eyes travel from the point of my toes, up my legs, resting on the short denim skirt I am wearing.
He swallows hard as his eyes meet mine. Yeah, I see you looking at me and wanting me. Too bad we already had our goodbye fuck. I raise my brow at him as he sucks on his lip.
“Glad to see you looking more like yourself. Did you want to come in?” he offers being friendly.
“I have to be somewhere but I wanted to make sure Dawn got these.” I motion to the boxes in my trunk.
“She’ll appreciate these,” he says as he lifts one of the boxes from my trunk.
“Good,” I respond being short with him.
“Baby I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you.”
Waving my hand in the air nonchalantly I reply, “Think nothing of it. Just barely grazed me. I’ll be just fine.”
He smiles weakly and continues getting the books.
I get in my car once he shuts the trunk without engaging him further in conversation. There isn’t anything left to be said.
Before I go to Foxie’s to pick Colt up, I swing by the storage to get Colt’s crib bed for Lil Bit. I’ll never get to use it again. Guess that doesn’t matter now. One child is plenty. Colt keeps me busy and I am seeing that he will be the only man I will ever be able to lean on.
**
“Thank you, Baby. This is so generous of you. I know this has you in an awkward situation.”
I shrug at Lil Bit. Things are what they are. “Do you know what you are having?” I ask out of curiosity. I might as well make the best of it and see if I can make nice with her.
“It’s a boy. I found out last week. Rebel doesn’t know of course, since he refuses to accompany me to my appointments.”
I can sympathize there. Trouble was good about that sort of thing. God rest his soul. I miss him so much. I wonder what he would make of my life. He sacrificed himself for Striker and I to be together and Striker died anyways. Why must I lose everyone I love?
Even Lucky went and got himself killed on me. Maybe I am cursed like my father. We are both unlucky in love and relationships.
“I have plenty of things for a boy. Whatever you need, if I have it you are welcome to it.”
“This was plenty.” She motions to the crib we just put up by her bed. She is staring at the crib with a smile on her face and her hands resting on her baby bump that is growing larger by the day.
“Seeing the crib makes it more real huh?”
“It does. I am going to ask a question, though you can tell me to fuck off if that’s how you feel…but does it get easier? Being a single mother I mean.”
“No,” I tell her honestly. “It’s strange. I keep forgetting that I am a single mother now. Rebel will come around eventually. He’s in a bad place and until he gets right with himself, he would only make things worse for you. Be patient. It took Striker and me some time to work through our shit, but we did, eventually.”
“Striker loved you a lot. I know that must sound odd coming from me, but I heard my brother ask about you once and I thought your husband was going to kill him with his eyes alone.”
“My husband was something. Rebel and he were a lot alike, very stubborn. You have to force them into seeing things your way. That goes for all men.”
“You sound like Foxie, but I would never try to force him into being with me. I didn’t plan this. The baby that is. I was bored and lonely and he was looking for an escape at the time. He told me about her…your sister. He said she was nearly perfect but he wasn’t happy.” Lil Bit goes on to tell me how Rebel confided in her that he didn’t think things with Rumor were going to last. They kept getting on opposite pages.
Before we can delve deeper into her plans once the baby comes, Colt comes running and yelling about going to see Daddy.
“Go da go da,” he says tugging on my hand.
“I don’t know what is with him,” Foxie says following him into the bedroom. “I told him we were going to ride on a plane in the sky and he started squealing about Thomas.”
“That’s probably because I told him Striker is riding the highway in the sky,” I inform her on how I explained where Striker is to Colt.
“Oh that makes sense then,” she says softly.
I follow her into the living room so she can fill me in on the trip she is taking Colt on soon.
They are leaving in just a few days and she says they will be gone for a week. I don’t like the idea of being away from Colt but Foxie seems so set on going. It will only be the two of them. I guess that maybe she needs this time with Colt. I know every time she sees him, she sees Striker written all over him. He is his father’s mini me, other than my red hair he inherited glowing on his head.
If his hair were dark, he would look identical to Striker as a child. Some days it is unnerving. Colt can make an expression and it hurts my heart how much he resembles his father.
I tell Lil Bit that one day while Foxie and Colt are on their trip I will come over and pick her up and let her rummage through all the baby items I have saved in storage. She is hesitant but I think she is warming up to me slowly.
Colt seems to be taking up with Lil Bit. She will be around permanently if the baby she carries is Rebel’s child. I suppose there is no harm in letting her get closer with him. Our children are going to be cousins.
I am still skeptical of her motives but there is no denying she is pregnant. As much as I hate to say it, she and the baby may be just the thing Rebel needs to get him to let go of Rumor in time.
I know if I didn’t have Colt giving me a reason to go on I would give up all together. I look at my boy and laugh as he pulls Lil Bit’s hair and then kisses her cheek.
“He gets that from his father,” I state and Foxie laughs.
“I wouldn’t be so sure,” Foxie counters with an amused snort. “You used to give Rebel and Striker a run for their money.” She takes a photo frame from her TV stand. It’s an old picture of the boys and me. They were in middle school and I w
as in grade school. We are sitting on the porch of the trailer Rebel lives in now. My hair is in two braids with the boys on either side of me, each yanking on my hair as I cry.
Romeo
LL just dropped the kids off after having them for the weekend. The cabin sure was quiet while they were away and without Baby and Colt to keep me company.
The sound of Miracle’s feet pattering down the hallway makes my heart swell. Jamie is kicked back in the recliner playing video games online with his friends. I can’t look at that damn chair without picturing Baby in it.
Gonna’ have to get rid of the damn thing. I don’t regret my decision to let her go, I can’t afford to. My children look to me to take care of them and if I don’t do it who will? I know Baby loves them, but she isn’t in a place to do it, and well LL is trying.
I am at the end of my rope. This time I have to get it right. Taking my phone from the coffee table, I call LL and invite her to dinner. We have a lot to discuss. I have to put my family first. She gladly accepts my invitation.
Peeking in at Dawn, she is laying across her bed with her nose buried in a book.
She sees me and her face falls.
“Why did you make Baby go away? She loves us dad. She has never turned her back on us and now we are just supposed to pretend she isn’t important?”
“Christ Dawn, what do you want me to say kid. Baby and I aren’t going to be seeing each other, so no, she won’t be coming by with Colt any longer. I’m sorry things just didn’t work out.” I don’t know how else to explain things or make her see that Baby and Colt are better off away from us. This isn’t something I am comfortable going into detail over with her.
“Are you and mom getting back together then?” She asks appearing as though the thought makes her feel sour.
“Can’t answer that at the moment. Whatever happens just know I am doing it because I want the best for you kids. Look, you can call Baby and talk to her. She will always love you, but not in the way we thought she would.”
“And what about you dad? You love her. I know you do. What about your happiness?”
“I’ll be fine, don’t worry about your old man.” I kiss her forehead and turn to leave her to look through all the books Baby brought over a few days ago.
Dawn sniffles and wipes her face against the sleeve of her shirt. “I do worry about you daddy. Mom said she was going to make sure Baby was out of our lives for good, that she was a no good whore, and that I shouldn’t want you with her.”
“Mind your tongue. Your mother…I did things I shouldn’t have and so did she. She blames Baby but none of it was Baby’s fault. Let me worry about your mother, she’ll not be saying shit like that to you again.”
**
“A word,” I growl the words in LL’s ear as I grab her by the elbow. We were able to sit through dinner without having words. I didn’t want to argue in front of our children, but now that they are content watching a movie and eating ice cream, LL and I can hash things out. She shouldn’t be saying shit like that to Dawn and now she is going to answer for it.
Once we are outside away from the cabin I let go of her arm. “Dawn told me what you said to her. I don’t want to hear of it again. Baby was good to the kids no matter how you feel about her—you don’t drag the kids in to it.”
“I have every right to feel the way I do about her. But you are right I shouldn’t have voiced my opinions to Dawn. I’m sorry, but I am not going to apologize for hating Baby and wanting to blame her for ruining our marriage!” She snaps at me waving her hands around.
“I invited you over tonight with every intention of asking you if we could try again. Not because I think I can’t live without you. I won’t lie to you. I don’t love you the way I used to, but I was willing to give you a good life again. I thought we could give it a go for them—our children. But I’ll be damned if I let you poison their minds. I told Dawn and I am telling you. If Dawn wants to continue to see Baby and talk to her, she damn sure can. Are we clear?”
“Oh I understand you perfectly fine. You think by allowing Dawn to keep Baby in her life it will somehow keep her in yours. You don’t want to let her go. But you can’t have it both ways. If we do this, it will be all the way or not at all. I wasn’t going to do this to you, but you are a stubborn bastard and leave me without much of a choice.” Her voice is raised as she begins to threaten me.
“Either Baby is cut off completely or I will file for full custody and I will win. Kentucky Court usually sides with the mother and given your history, it won’t be too fucking hard. I tried playing nice Romeo.”
“You think they’d let you have them a junkie whore?”
“Miracle isn’t even yours! I cheated on you.”
“You’re lying!” I shout at her.
“Am I?” She scoffs. “Think about it we were having problems when I became pregnant.”
Her nails dig in my forearm drawing blood. Grabbing her by the neck with all I have I squeeze until her eyes begin to bulge. Warm liquid runs down her leg and onto mine, the bitch just pissed herself.
Her feet that were violently thrashing a moment ago have stopped moving and she is no longer struggling against me.
Lying her down on the ground a soft gurgling noise rasps from her mouth. She is choking on her own vomit.
“Goddamn it!” I shout kicking her in the ribs. What in the hell am I going to do now? She had to open her damn mouth! Couldn’t leave shit alone and just be happy.
Leaning down I turn her face to the side and try to clear her airway, but I know it’s too late, the vomit is in her lungs and she is aspirated.
Trying to think, I take out my cell to call Tread but I remember he is on a run with the Dry Ridge Sinners. I have him snooping around to see what he can find out about Cowboy and his connection with them while he is in their presence.
Lifting my phone back to my ear, I dial Foxie.
“Well you are the last person I expected to be calling on me so late. What can I do you for?”
“I fucked up bad Foxie and I need help. The kids are here and I don’t know what in the hell I am going to do.”
“Why would I help you?” She mocks on the other end of the line.
“Why, because you owe me that’s motherfucking why. You sat on a secret for nearly twenty five years that could have prevented what happened tonight so get off your ass and get over here now!”
Dawn comes out on the porch and yells, “Dad! Miracle is wiping her snot on the couch!”
“Well get her a tissue!” I shout back.
“Can’t you or mom do it?” She asks irritated.
“No, now get in there and watch your brother and sister until I say so damn it!”
She slams the door hard. I am thankful she didn’t walk out here and see this. What have I done?
13
Foxie
Hanging up the phone as Baby looks at me worriedly, I shake my head. This isn’t the shit I need right now. I have too much riding on my upcoming trip.
“Seems as if your man has gotten himself into a heap of shit,” I tell her wondering what in the hell is to come.
“Only man I have is Colt, so I am afraid I don’t know what you are talking about unless you know something about my father.” She puts Colt’s shoes on him getting ready to take him home.
There isn’t time to waist. Romeo sounded desperate and urgent. “Doesn’t matter right now, but Romeo is in a pickle and in need of assistance. Looks like Lil Bit will get to prove her worth in the family tonight. Grab your stuff, all of ya. I’m driving,” I tell them not giving them a chance to contest.
We end up taking Baby’s car since it is faster. We talk a little on the way. “So you aren’t with Romeo?” I question Baby as Lil Bit entertains Colt in the back seat.
“No,” she says quietly. “I’m not really in a place to be with anyone. He ended it but if you must know he ended it because he knows I am still in love with my husband, even though he is dead, and we were in a bad place.”<
br />
“Rejection hurts no matter what the reasoning,” I tell her with sympathy. Lord knows her father—Grim has been the cause for most of my heartbreak.
“Baby, I know you loved Thomas, but you will have to let him go if you expect to have a happy life.”
“I can’t,” she says, as her tears start to fall. “I know what you think of me and the choices I have made Foxie. But through it all I never stopped loving your son. I will love him…always.”
I don’t want to go feeling sorry for her. She gave up on him and their marriage when she went to Romeo, but I do believe her when she says she loves him still. “He’s the father of your child so you will always carry a torch,” I tell her knowing I carry a similar one for Slim Black and even Romeo. Not in the same way. There are many ways to love a man.
“No, because he was and is the love of my life Foxie. I know now that now. Romeo was in a weird way the strong father figure I was missing in my life and I mistook those feelings and screwed my life up. Sure, I was attracted to him; even you have to admit he is a handsome devil. I do love him, but not in the way I love Striker. It took, losing him and Romeo putting a stop to my using him to make me see it.”
We reach Romeo’s cabin before more can be said. Romeo doesn’t seem too pleased when he sees I have brought company. Beggars can’t be choosers.
I send Lil Bit and Colt into the house while Baby and I find out what Romeo has brought down on us. Though seeing LL’s car and no sign of her I don’t have to guess.
Baby
Romeo shakes his head when he sees that I am here with Foxie. He looks ravaged and about to puke. Mosquitoes are swarming around my head and the air is thick and muggy. My skin is coated with a sickly sweat.
“Baby, I need you to pull LL’s car over by the still.”
I don’t ask questions. I do as he wants me to. I watch as Foxie walks next to him yelling obscenities in his ear.
Looking at the cabin as I creep by it in LL’s car I hope Lil Bit realizes she is now a part of our family and there is no turning back. Whatever happens here tonight I get the feeling it is something we will be taking to our graves.
Heart of a Rebel Page 8