In other words, you don’t need me, he thought sadly as they arrived at the health centre. He might need her, but she didn’t need him.
‘How’s Danny this morning?’ Tracy asked as soon as she saw them.
‘Doing very well, apparently.’ Jess smiled.
‘I was hoping to visit him this morning,’ Tracy said, her face distinctly truculent. ‘This was supposed to be my Saturday off, not Cath’s.’
Jess’s smile didn’t waver for an instant. ‘She had some urgent business to attend to on the mainland.’
‘A bit sudden, wasn’t it?’
‘Urgent business usually is,’ Jess observed evenly. ‘Has my first patient arrived yet?’ she added before the girl could delve any deeper into Cath’s whereabouts.
‘It’s Hildy Wells.’
And Hildy looked every bit as truculent as Tracy, Jess thought with a deep sigh as she ushered her through to her consulting room.
‘I really don’t see why you couldn’t simply have given me a repeat prescription for my hormone replacement therapy, Doctor,’ she grumbled. ‘I’d hoped to go to the mainland this weekend to do some shopping, but Tracy said you wouldn’t give me a prescription unless you saw me.’
‘Hildy, I’m not happy about your fluctuating blood pressure or all these extra migraine attacks you’ve been having. Now, if you could just take off your coat and roll up your sleeve for me, I’ll check your blood pressure.’
‘It’s always been erratic, you know that, Doctor,’ Hildy protested, reluctantly taking off her coat. ‘And Sharps are having their big winter furniture sale today. In fact, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if that’s where Cath’s gone.’
‘Really,’ Jess murmured noncommittally, keeping her eyes fixed on the blood-pressure gauge.
Hildy nodded. ‘Wattie said he happened to notice her getting on the seven o’clock ferry this morning.’
Didn’t the man ever sleep? Obviously not.
‘As I suspected, your blood pressure’s up again,’ Jess said. ‘Have you kept a diary of your migraine attacks—managed to establish any kind of pattern to them?’
‘I seem to get more of them when I change from the estragest patches to the Estraderm ones.’
‘Which would suggest your migraine attacks are hormonal,’ Jess observed. ‘What I’d like to do is try you on a different type of HRT, pills instead of patches, to see if that will regulate your blood pressure and put a stop to all your extra migraine attacks.’
‘Just so long as you don’t take me off it all together,’ Hildy said, rolling down her sleeve. ‘I was so weepy and bad-tempered before, and I don’t want to go back to that again.’
‘There’s lots of things we can try,’ Jess said reassuringly. ‘It’s just a question of getting the right combination for you.’
‘Speaking of combinations,’ Hildy continued as Jess wrote out her prescription, ‘Wattie said that when he saw Cath getting on the ferry this morning he was sure her husband and daughter were with her.’
‘Did he?’ Jess murmured.
‘I told him he must need his eyes tested because I was sure Cath told me Peter wasn’t due back from the Gulf until March.’
‘I’m afraid I wouldn’t know,’ Jess replied.
‘But surely—working for you—she must have said—’
‘I’d like to see you again in a month to check your blood pressure,’ Jess declared, determinedly leading the way out of her consulting room. ‘But if you find you’re getting even more migraines, come back to me at once.’
That Hildy considered her a very poor source of information was plain, but there was no way Jess was going to discuss Cath’s private business with anyone. And certainly not with someone who was second only to Wattie when it came to spreading gossip on the island.
Involuntarily her eyes went to the waiting-room clock. It was a little after ten. Cath would have arrived at the infirmary by now. She’d have filled in the consent form and changed into one of those awful theatre gowns that never had enough tapes down the back. And then she’d have to wait.
‘She’ll be OK, Jess,’ Ezra said softly, noticing the direction of her gaze as he joined her at the reception desk. ‘I’ve got a good feeling about this.’
‘I wish I did,’ she sighed. ‘I wish she’d had the biopsy, and we knew what we were facing.’
‘What time did the infirmary say they’d telephone to give us her results?’ Ezra asked.
‘Not until after three. Apparently they do all the tests, then double check them to make sure.’
‘She’ll be fine, Jess,’ he insisted. ‘I’m sure she will.’
‘I hope so.’ Quickly she lifted her next file, then hesitated. ‘I’ve got Robb MacGregor next, but the results of his first jejunal biopsy suggest very strongly that he might have coeliac disease. As you were the one to spot it, would you like the pleasure of telling him?’
He grinned. ‘I don’t know whether I’d consider having coeliac disease a pleasure!’
‘You would if you originally thought you had cancer.’ She laughed, only for her laughter to die instantly as she suddenly remembered Cath.
‘Jess, we’re not going to know anything until this afternoon,’ Ezra said gently. ‘So, until then, try to put it out of your mind, hmm?’
There was such sympathy and understanding in his voice that she had to swallow quickly. ‘Would…would you like to see Robb?’
‘If you don’t mind?’
‘Of course I don’t,’ she replied, handing him the folder, then selecting another one. ‘Mrs Walker, I’m ready for you now.’
A heavily pregnant Beatrice Walker levered herself upright and Ezra sighed as he watched the two women leave the waiting room.
Jess looked so tired. Actually, he couldn’t remember a day since he’d come to the island when she hadn’t looked tired. And it wasn’t simply because of her accident or her worry about Cath. Those dark shadows under her eyes had been there for a very long time.
Which was why he’d been so ecstatic when he’d completed Danny Hislop’s operation. Not because it meant he could be a surgeon on the mainland again, but because he’d suddenly realised he could remain on Greensay. He could work part time at the Sinclair Memorial, and part time with Jess. He could stay here and be happy. He could stay with Jess.
And then, just when he’d thought everything he so desperately wanted had been within his grasp, she’d turned round and told him she didn’t want him to stay.
Why had she kissed him so passionately if he meant nothing to her? She’d mumbled some rubbish after Danny’s operation about his skill being wasted here, but surely she must know that he wouldn’t consider it wasted? Here, he’d felt whole for the first time in his life. Complete. So why wouldn’t she let him stay?
Because she doesn’t love you, you idiot, his mind whispered. She’s realised you’re in love with her, and she’s trying to let you down gently, and you’re just too damned stupid to take the hint.
‘I hope you’ve got some news for me, Doc,’ Robb MacGregor said as he followed Ezra along to his consulting room. ‘Because I’ve got to tell you, I’m just about at the end of my tether.’
So am I, Ezra thought as he explained to Robb that the results of his first test suggested he could well be suffering from coeliac disease.
‘But I’ve eaten wheat for years, Doctor,’ the builder protested. ‘Surely, if I’d been allergic to it, it would have shown up when I was a child?’
‘It’s certainly more commonly found in children,’ Ezra agreed, ‘but we’re increasingly finding it flaring up in adults.’
‘But—’
‘If you’re going to ask me why, the simple answer is that nobody knows.’ Ezra smiled. ‘The good news, however, is that if your other tests prove you do have coeliac disease, it’s very easy to treat. You simply stop eating gluten.’
‘And then the rash—all my aches and pains—will simply disappear?’ Robb exclaimed in disbelief.
‘That’s right
.’ Ezra nodded. ‘All you’ll have to do is cut out all foods that contain wheat, rye or barley, and your symptoms will disappear within days.’
‘When will I know for certain if I have this disease?’
‘It will probably take about three months to get a definite diagnosis. We can’t do the three tests quickly, you see,’ Ezra explained as Robb looked distinctly crestfallen. ‘You have to have been on a gluten-free diet for a few weeks, then on a diet where the gluten has been reintroduced for a little while, or we wouldn’t get a true assessment.’
‘It’s a pity you’re leaving today, then, Doc,’ Robb said. ‘Because you’ll never know if I do have coeliac disease, will you?’
No, he would never know, Ezra thought when Robb had left. Just as he’d never know if Denise Fullarton had carried her baby to term or lost this one, too. Or if Colin McPhail might one day agree to a hip replacement operation. And Cath…
His eyes went to his consulting-room clock. It was half past ten. She would be having her pre-med now in preparation for Theatre. Did she have breast cancer, or was it simply—as he prayed it was—a fibroadenoma? And if it wasn’t…
He wanted to be there when Jess talked to Cath. He wanted to advise her, to help her, but this afternoon he was getting on the ferry, leaving.
And he didn’t even know where he was going, he thought ruefully as morning surgery dragged by. Not back to London. The city held no attraction for him any more. Neither did he want to return to full-time surgery. Jess had suggested he could teach, but…
General practice. He would become a fully qualified GP. It would mean starting at the bottom again—working out his time as a locum at various practices—but he didn’t care. Only as a GP would he have the human contact he knew he needed. And without Jess he was going to need a lot of human contact to get him through the rest of his life.
‘Are you absolutely sure you don’t want me to stay on for the rest of the afternoon?’ Tracy asked when the last of their morning patients had gone. ‘I know I was a bit grumpy earlier, but if you need me…’
‘Don’t be silly,’ Jess said. ‘You get off home. In fact, why don’t you go and visit Danny?’ she continued as the girl stared at her uncertainly. ‘I’ll mind the fort here. I’ve got masses of paperwork to do, and I may as well do it here rather than lug it all home.’
‘If you’re really sure?’ Tracy said hesitantly.
‘I’m sure,’ Jess insisted.
The girl needed no second bidding. With a smile at Ezra she picked up her coat and was gone.
‘I think I hear wedding bells in the near future for a certain young lady when a particular young man is fit enough to be discharged from hospital,’ Ezra commented.
‘I think I hear them, too.’ Jess smiled. ‘Look, you don’t have to hang about here,’ she went on. ‘Why don’t you go back to the cottage, pack up all your things? Your ferry leaves at three forty-five.’
‘I’ve already packed. I did it last night when you went to bed,’ he added as her eyebrows rose in surprise. ‘All my worldly possessions are now stowed in the boot of my car.’
‘Yes, but—’
‘I’d like to stick around. Hear what the infirmary has to say about Cath.’
He meant it. She knew that he did. And much as she didn’t want to admit it, the thought of sitting alone in the surgery for the next two hours, waiting for the phone to ring, filled her with dread.
‘Won’t you get bored?’ she asked, giving him one last chance to back out.
Ezra shook his head. ‘It will give me an opportunity to bring all my files up to date.’
And so they worked silently together for the next two hours. Jess hadn’t realised how time had passed until the surgery phone began to ring. Her eyes flew to the waiting room clock, then to Ezra.
‘Do you want me to answer it?’ he offered.
She shook her head. Since morning she’d been waiting for this phone call. Since morning she’d been praying, hoping, and now she would know. And something told her she wouldn’t want to know.
‘She’s got breast cancer?’ Ezra said when she finally put down the phone and sat staring at it.
‘Yes.’ There was nothing else Jess could say. Nothing else she could squeeze past the hard, cold lump in her throat.
‘How…how extensive is it?’ he asked.
‘The lump was cancerous, as were some of the tissues in the muscles of her chest wall.’
He bit his lip. Breast cancer wasn’t his speciality, but even he knew that wasn’t good.
‘OK, let’s look at the options,’ he declared, forcing himself into professional mode though it was the last thing he felt like doing at the moment. ‘A lumpectomy would remove the affected lump and tissue, leaving her breast intact. I don’t know the exact statistics but I believe the survival rates after such a procedure are very good.’
‘Yes.’
‘And even if the cancer has spread to her lymph glands, and her surgeon recommends a radical mastectomy, her chances of surviving are still very good.’
‘I know.’
‘Jess—’
‘Why, Ezra?’ she whispered, her voice breaking. ‘I know there’s no such thing as fairness with breast cancer—that as far as we know it’s a lottery as to who will, and who won’t, contract the disease—but Cath…’
‘She’ll get through this, Jess,’ he insisted. ‘OK, so she’s got breast cancer, but once she’s had surgery—’
‘If she agrees to it.’
He stared at her strained, white face with dismay. Surely the receptionist wouldn’t refuse? He wouldn’t allow her to. ‘I’ll talk to her.’
‘You won’t be here.’
‘I’ll cancel my ferry ticket,’ he said. ‘Buy another one for later.’
‘Ezra, you have to go some time, and I think it’s better you go now rather than later, don’t you?’ She smiled. An uneven, crooked smile that tore at his heart. ‘I’ll manage. I managed on my own before. I can manage again.’
‘Fine. Great. You can manage,’ he retorted, his love for her making him angry. ‘And for how long do you plan on managing on your own?’
‘Dr Walton’s going to be with me for the next eight weeks, and while he’s here I’ll advertise for a part-time partner.’
‘And what if you don’t get any applicants?’ he protested.
‘You said I would,’ she pointed out. ‘You said there must be lots of doctors wanting to escape from the rat race.’
‘Yes, but—’
‘It’s not your problem, Ezra,’ she said in a voice that told him the subject was well and truly closed. Quickly she reached for her coat, put her mobile phone in her pocket and hitched her crutches under her arms. ‘Are you ready, then?’
‘What for?’ he demanded.
‘Your ferry will be leaving in forty minutes, so we’d better get going or you’ll miss it.’
‘Look, you don’t have to escort me off the island,’ he flared. ‘I am going, OK?’
A deep flush of colour crept across her white cheeks. ‘I didn’t mean…I wasn’t implying…I just thought that as Dr Walton is arriving on the ferry, it would be a nice gesture if I was there to meet him.’
Ezra didn’t give a damn if there was nobody there to meet Dr Walton. He didn’t care if the man was still standing on the quayside in a week’s time. ‘Jess—’
‘I don’t want to be late, Ezra.’
He didn’t want to go at all, he thought as he drove down to the harbour. Then tell her, his mind insisted, tell her!
But he knew that he wouldn’t. To embarrass her with a declaration of love she couldn’t return? Unconsciously he shook his head. He was going to be adult about this. He was going to simply shake her by the hand, say goodbye and then get on the boat, even though every part of him longed to take her back to her cottage and keep her there until she fell in love with him.
‘I didn’t know you were sailing this afternoon, Dr Arden,’ the harbour master said when Ezra helped her out of
his car onto the quayside.
‘I’m not. Dr Dunbar is.’
‘Oh, of course.’ He nodded. ‘This is your last day with us, isn’t it, Doctor? Well, you’ve got a lovely day for your crossing.’
And it was lovely, Jess thought as she saw the ferry ploughing its way towards them through the white-capped sea. In the movies it always rained when the heroine was unhappy, but today the sun was shining, the sky was blue and everything should have been all right with the world. Except that it wasn’t.
Lord, but she was going to miss him, but she was going to be adult about this. She was going to stand on the quay-side and wave goodbye. Later she would cry her eyes out, but not now. Now Ezra was never going to know that sending him away was the hardest thing she’d ever done, and that he was taking her heart with him.
‘Are you sure you’ve got everything?’ she forced herself to ask. ‘All your clothes, your books, shoes?’
‘I think so,’ he replied, equally formally. ‘If I’ve forgotten anything, it can’t be very important.’
‘No,’ she murmured, and his throat tightened.
He couldn’t leave like this. OK, so Jess would probably be deeply embarrassed if he told her he loved her, but he had to tell her.
‘Jess—’
‘Off on the ferry back to the mainland, are you, Dr Dunbar?’
Go away, Ezra thought grimly as he turned to see Wattie Hope beaming up at him. For God’s sake, just go away. I’m leaving, and I want to tell Jess I love her. I know she’s going to knock me back, but I want to remember everything about this moment—what she’s wearing, how she looks, what she says—because this is the last time I’ll ever see her, and these few precious minutes are going to have to last me a lifetime.
‘Your new locum’s arriving on the ferry, isn’t he, Dr Arden?’ Wattie continued, apparently oblivious to the daggers Ezra was shooting at him. ‘Name of Walton, if I remember rightly?’
‘Yes,’ Jess replied.
Why couldn’t he simply go away? The ferry had docked. They’d lowered the gangway and the car deck doors were being opened, and though these last few minutes with Ezra were tearing her heart apart she still wanted to share them with him alone.
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