She knew she should wait for Christmas—or at least for Brody—but she was overcome with curiosity. Glancing around, she slid the ribbon off and opened the box.
It was a painting. Bright colors, with two stylized hands cupped around a heart with outspread wings. Across the bottom, in curly script, was painted, Untamed Heart.
It was beautiful. Until she saw the note.
Dear Jasmin,
I’m sorry. I don’t know that there’s really anything I can say except that.
This has been the best few days of my life, even counting almost dying last night. That’s what you’ve done for me.
I can’t bring my problems down on you, and I can’t bring them down on the crew. The best thing I can do for you is to just go.
Thank Flynn for everything he tried to do for me. Be well, Demazon, and be badass.
I love you, love you, love you.
Brody
Jasmin sat on the edge of the bed, numb, staring at the piece of paper Brody had used to tear out her heart. Her body trembled with the effort of not going after him, not begging him to come back.
Her mother had done that so many times, running out the door, calling after her father as he strode off. He always let her catch him, that triumphant look in his eyes, and made her grovel and apologize and beg forgiveness, before allowing her to serve him again.
The thought of it made her feel nauseated, but the thought of Brody walking off into the night, hurting, made her feel like her chest was being squeezed in a vise.
She couldn’t breathe.
She dashed for the back door and flung it open, breathing the frosty fresh air, but she still couldn’t force it into her lungs.
She could feel a tidal wave of emotions racing toward her like a tsunami racing toward an ocean island. In the distance, she heard the sound of Brody’s car engine, driving away.
With a wild, feral howl, her jaguar burst out of her skin, crying their pain into the night, knowing that the best thing in their lives had just walked away, and not knowing how to make him come back without losing everything.
Brody’s heart was ripped in two. Half of it was lying in the guest room at the Bad Blood compound, and half if it was bleeding out right here and now, as he drove away.
He rounded a curve on the bumpy dirt road, hoping there weren’t any major potholes hiding under the snow, trying to stay in the tracks Xander and Sloan had made when they brought the car in. He almost didn’t see the giant cat until it was too late.
He slammed on the brakes, fishtailing the car.
Jasmin.
How the hell had she gotten ahead of him? And damn it all, why was she here? Why was she making this so hard?
He slammed the car into ‘park’ and climbed out. “What the fuck are you doing here?”
She Changed, standing naked in the snow, spitting fury. “Why the fuck did you run?”
“I explained in the note.”
“You explained nothing!” she snarled. “You said you loved me. Loved me! And then you were gone. And a lot of bullshit about how you couldn’t bring your problems down on us. On me. We were trying to help you!”
“You can’t—”
“Tristan’s coming out from Idaho. He’s fucking flying out here just to see you, at Christmas, because Flynn and I asked him to. He has people who can help you—”
Terror stabbed through him. From what he’d heard, Tristan Barnes could see into other shifters’ minds. He knew about white wolves. “You shouldn’t have told him to come. He can’t help me! He’ll just make things worse.”
She growled in frustration. “You don’t know that. Why won’t you even try?” He heard the pain in her voice, the unasked question. Why won’t you try for me?
Because she didn’t love him. Not like he needed her to, heart and soul.
“I can’t,” he said. “You don’t understand.”
“Then make me understand, dammit!”
“It’s not just about me, okay?” he snarled back at her, anger and pain ripping through him. “I’m putting you in danger just by standing here with you. I’m putting other people in danger.”
“My crew can take care of themselves. I can take care of myself.”
“Well, not everybody can,” he snapped. “Some people can’t protect themselves, and I have to do it. I’m sorry I hurt you.”
Sorry. His heart and soul were torn to bits. “But the one thing I know about you is that you’ll survive, with or without me.”
Jasmin stared at him, her eyes wide and dark. “You’re leaving me because I’m strong?” she said. She took a step forward, growling. “I knew you were the same as the others. You want soft. You want weak.” He could see the betrayal in her eyes.
It nearly killed him.
“Dammit, Jaz, I love your strength. I love you.”
But she was on him, pounding on his chest. “I didn’t want you to love me!” she screamed. “I never wanted you to love me!”
“Don’t you think I know that?” He held her arms in a punishing grip. “I fucking know that, and it tears me apart because I should be glad I’m not dragging you into my fucked-up life.”
He should be. But the anger and bitterness welled up, and he couldn’t stop it from spilling over.
“But I can’t be glad. It hurts so bad, because you’re my mate, and I wanted you to love me so damn much.”
She went still in his arms, staring at him, wide-eyed.
“I’m not your mate,” she whispered, stepping back. “I can’t be your mate.”
“I know,” he said. “Jaguars don’t do that. But wolves do, and my wolf wants you. I want you.” He took a step closer, and stared into her wide green eyes.
“I want you to look at me the way Lissa looks at Tank. I want you to fall so fucking hard for me, the way I fell for you, like every time you touch me you feel like you’re falling off a cliff and you’re flying, and I want you to know, deep inside, that I’ll catch you before you hit the ground.”
His voice grew husky. “I want you to love me. I want you to need me, the way I need you.” His last words were almost a whisper. “But you don’t need anyone.”
She stared at him for another long moment, her chest heaving, and then she Changed to jag and ran silently off into the snowy forest.
Brody slammed his fist onto the hood of his car, leaving a dent. Then he threw himself back inside, gunned it, and drove away.
Chapter 19
Jasmin ran through the woods, trying to outrun the tsunami, but she could feel it bearing down on her, like a huge shadow behind her, growing ever closer.
There was no high ground, nowhere to escape to, no one to fight. Just everything that she’d dammed up in her heart for the last twenty years and more, and when it crashed over her, she would drown in it. It would blast her armor to smithereens, and there would be nothing left but the soft, terrified little girl, trembling in the dark.
She lost track of which way she was heading, dodging and weaving between tree trunks, crashing through leafless underbrush, snow cold under her paws. She was cold all through.
Suddenly another body slammed into hers, hard enough to knock the breath out of her. She flew into a small clearing, hitting the snow-covered ground with a thud and scrambling to get her paws under her.
She didn’t get the chance. The other animal slammed into her again. Shadow-dark, silent, he crushed the breath from her.
She recognized him—his breadth, his strength, his scent.
Xander.
She panicked, claws out, scratching her way out of his hold, snarling a challenge.
He didn’t answer with a snarl of his own, the way he usually did, saying he was ready to fight. Needed a fight. He slapped away her paw as she swiped at him, but didn’t extend his claws.
What the fuck?
She snarled again, hissing. Fight! Fight, damn you!
But he wouldn’t. Xander the homicidal, always ready for a fight, always begging for a fight, was refusing to bleed her
.
He leaped at her again, wrapping his front paws around her and slamming her to the ground once more. Her ribs hurt. But there was no slashing pain to keep her heart from breaking, to distract her with rage and survival instinct.
She kept attacking, but he slithered out of the way of her claws again and again, dodging, baiting her, before taking her down once more.
She knew she could take him. She knew she could make him submit. She’d done it before. And yet somehow her body wouldn’t obey her. Her heart was too heavy, and he wouldn’t fight back.
She moved slower and slower. Tears were pouring from her heart—if she turned human, they’d be pouring from her eyes. She’d be soft and sodden, lying in the snow, brought down by a man.
She had to fight back, but she couldn’t.
Finally she just lay there under the weight of Xander’s panther, panting, defeated.
Xander loosened his grip slightly, as if he were trying to see if she was faking. When she didn’t move, he got up and crouched beside her, nosing her shoulder, and then he pushed the side of his face against her in a gesture of affection.
Her eyes went wide. Xander hadn’t been born a cat, and he never showed affection the way shifter cats did. Hell, he never showed affection at all.
He did it again.
Jasmin’s heart broke even further. There was a shallow scratch on Xander’s shoulder from her claws, and she licked it, cleaning it and helping it heal.
There was a shimmer and a crack of bones, and he was human, sitting on the ground with his elbows resting on his knees.
“You okay?” he asked her.
She wanted to just stay cat. She could stay cat, and live in the trees, and never come down or deal with anyone, never have to feel human feelings.
But her jag didn’t want that. It wanted the crew, and it wanted Brody. Especially Brody.
She Changed back to human form. “Why won’t you fight?” she yelled at Xander, hitting his leg with her fist.
Xander just shrugged. “You don’t need a fight.”
She did. She needed a fight, but she was too tired and her heart was broken.
She sat up slowly. Bad plan—she was now sitting butt-naked in the mud and snow.
Jasmin yelped. “Fuck, Xander, aren’t your balls freezing off?”
“Yup, they are, thanks for noticing. My scrotum is somewhere up near my belly button, and my dick wants to burrow inside headfirst and become a vagina. Can we stand up?”
She tried to laugh, but it became a sniffle. There were tears running down her face and dripping off her chin, and how was that happening? She never cried.
Xander clasped her hand and helped her to her feet.
“What happened with you and Brody? I thought you were all lovey-dovey fuckapalooza.”
“He loves me,” Jasmin said. “And he left me. And he wants me to be his mate.”
Xander ran a hand through his hair. “Shit.”
“And I told him I didn’t want him to love me, and now he hates me.”
“I hate love,” Xander muttered. “I hate emotions. All love does is fuck you up.”
“Exactly.”
He sighed. “Do you want me to kill him?”
“No!” Jasmin’s jag snarled.
“Well, don’t get all homicidal about it. I’m just asking.” Xander paused. “Do you love him?”
“I can’t love him,” Jasmin said. “Love makes you soft. All that happens then is that people hurt you.”
“News flash,” Xander said. “Considering the way you were running and your jag was yowling, you’re in serious pain right now. So that keep-from-getting-hurt thing really didn’t work out for you.”
He brushed a clump of muddy snow off his butt before he went on.
“And I shouldn’t even be saying this—because I hate love—but please note that you’re hurting because you’re not with Brody and you think he hates you. When you were with him, you were happy to a barf-making degree. In fact, you may not know this, but there is a school of thought that actually equates love with happiness.”
Jasmin didn’t answer that. She couldn’t answer it. He was right, and she’d been so stupid. She’d tried so hard not to love Brody. Not to love anybody. But even with no love, the hurt was still there—it was always there. It was the dark tsunami she tried to run away from. It had never left her.
“You should go after him,” Xander said.
Jasmin shook her head, feeling cold at her core. She couldn’t. Not again.
“I don’t chase after men. My mother chased after my father every time he was angry at her, which was a lot. And he let her. He stood there and watched while she groveled and apologized and begged for forgiveness, even for things that weren’t her fault. And then, when she’d groveled enough, he graciously allowed her to get up and serve his whims.”
“Whoa,” Xander said. “Sorry to diss your family, Jungle Kitty, but that is fucked up to the max.”
No argument from her. “I swore I’d never do that, and I won’t.”
“Well, I’m down with leaving the begging part out, because like I said, fucked up,” Xander said. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t go find Brody and tell him you’ve changed your mind about falling in love.”
That was terrifying. The very idea was terrifying, and yet, Jasmin’s jaguar was pacing. Wanting. Wanting to make Brody not hurt anymore. Wanting to rub her face against his muzzle and scent his wolfy scent, to curl up next to him and purr herself to sleep while he held her.
She wanted to learn his secrets and share his burdens, to show him he didn’t have to be alone.
“I don’t know where to find him.”
“About that,” Xander said. “I happen to know that Flynn planted a tracking device on his car.”
A tracking device?
Jasmin stared at him. “What? Why would Flynn do that? We already know about the drugs.”
Xander rolled his eyes. “The dude has an escape tunnel in the basement, and enough military-grade weapons to invade a small country hidden under the dining-room floor. And somehow you’re surprised that he’s paranoid enough to keep track of your wildly secretive Nashville-traitor drug-buying boyfriend, who you know perfectly well has not told you everything?”
Well, no. When you put it that way…
“Can you get the locator software?” she asked.
Xander grinned. “Already did. So let’s get our paws on the ground and go get it before my dick freezes and breaks off, and then we can turn this Christmas into one of those sappy Hallmark movies Lissa loves so much.”
Chapter 20
An hour later, Brody paused on the steps of the dingy trailer, trying to get himself under control.
His wolf was howling to go back to Jasmin, and he felt like what was left of his heart had been abandoned to die on that snowy dirt road in the woods.
He wanted to stay angry with her, but part of him understood. Total invulnerability was the only thing that made her feel safe. He wanted so badly for her to feel safe with him instead, but that was clearly never going to happen.
She was a cat—a jaguar. Everyone knew they didn’t bond. It had just been wishful thinking, and loneliness, and desperation.
Mate, his wolf said. And another little piece of his soul ripped away.
He had to get ahold of himself. He couldn’t go inside all riled up like this. It would just get everybody all upset.
He clutched the brown paper bag with his other gifts, both of these done in green and gold paper, with the same fat gold ribbon Jasmin’s had been tied in. He’d paid a ridiculous amount to have them all wrapped so fancy, but he’d wanted the gifts to be special.
He took several deep breaths and blew them out, trying to get rid of the tension. He couldn’t think about Jasmin now. His wolf would never settle, and that would set Adele off.
He knocked on the door, and after a moment the porch light snapped on, and he heard footsteps on the sagging floor inside. The door opened, and a curvy youn
g woman with dark curly hair opened it. Her face broke into a beaming smile when she saw him. “You came!”
“I told you I would,” he said, his heart lifting slightly at the smile. “Merry Christmas. This is for you.” He plucked a gift out of the bag and gave it to her.
“Oh my goodness, you shouldn’t have,” she said. “Come on in now, out of the cold. No call to be standin’ out on the porch!”
Putting Jasmin resolutely out of his mind, Brody stepped into the trailer.
Jasmin and Xander drove through the darkened streets, Jasmin following the tracker beacon on his phone and giving him directions. They were over twenty minutes behind Brody, and at first he went exactly where Jasmin thought he would—to his drug supplier.
Why was he doing this? Why wouldn’t he let Tristan help him?
They were still ten minutes out when the tracker left that location and headed east.
“Is he going home?” Xander asked.
“No,” Jasmin said. “He’s heading somewhere completely different.” Maybe to the place where his secrets would finally be revealed.
This was her last chance with him. She just hoped she didn’t blow it.
Xander dropped Jasmin on the street just outside the trailer park. Brody’s car had stopped here five minutes ago, and hadn’t moved since.
As she opened the door, Xander asked, “Do you want me to wait? You might need backup.”
Jasmin hesitated, then shook her head. She needed to do this alone. Whatever Brody’s secrets were, she didn’t have the right to bring Xander into them.
Xander muttered something under his breath that sounded like “Douchebag wolf.”
Jasmin smiled a little at that. “I’ll be okay,” she said.
She hesitated, then reached over and wrapped her hand around the back of Xander’s neck. Before he could pull away, she rubbed the side of her face gently up against his, in a cat-gesture of affection.
Bad Blood Wolf (Bad Blood Shifters Book 2) Page 12