Ultimately, Koda grabbed her waist and tried to pin her arms from their attempts at trying to take his eyes out. Koda didn’t understand why his mate wouldn’t listen. Any other women would have.
But no, not his Dae. She was just as savage as any other predator he knew. If she had been male, he would have had a run for his money. The wolf in him was losing patience. Koda decided to let her claw him up so he could keep his grip on her waist.
Dae was snarling as she clawed at Koda’s arms trying to get past him. Koda felt the sharp stings and blood trickling before he saw that her fingers shifted into some kind of mixture of human and wolf. Her fingers were whole except her fingertips had sharpened claws protruding. He had never seen claws like Dae’s before but Koda attributed that to her being a hybrid.
Then Koda realized; she wasn’t even aware of what had happened to her fingers or that she was ripping his flesh apart. All she wanted was to get at Rain. Her face looked feral and Koda feared she would shift fully right there.
Dae saw with her thinking sane self that she hurt Koda again.
Sonofabitch!
Dae twisted her fingers inward as she wiggled and tried to yank her body to be free of Koda’s mile long arms. If he just let her go, it would be so much easier!
Rain stood watching them. His brother tried his best to contain the bitch-pup but he was taking more damage from her nails than he should be getting. And Koda kept moving her hands out of view. Why didn’t he beat her into submission? If this were any other wolf, the bitch-pup would be nursing her wounds by first blood. Koda was so weak. Rain hated weakness. He wondered whom this bitch was that the Cursed wanted so badly. Oh yeah, Koda had been being watched by his own spies. Tribe hierarchy was a bitch sometimes.
They all assumed she was Cursed and a runaway. But she didn’t smell tainted like the Cursed did, nor did she smell like a wolf. That was until she got angry, now he smelled the wild scent most of his shifter brethren carried. But again, she didn’t smell like she was Tribe. And the bitch was so close to a shift he half expected Koda to be fighting a wolf in the next second.
The man or woman in this case, should be in control. The woman in her was lost; she was what his kind called feral. Why was his brother protecting a feral wolf-pup? Happy that stupid didn’t run in his family, Rain decided to take care of this little bitch pup right here. He’d put her down and then report to the Alpha she was feral.
Before Rain could do or say anything, Koda faced him and growled a warning growl that made Rain pale. Rain sneered to cover up the unintentional fear that crawled up his spine when he heard Koda’s warning.
At the same time, Dae wiggled her arm loose and tired to get to Rain. Koda already had her back in his blood soaked arms but he knew Rain saw exactly what Koda was trying to prevent him from seeing: Rain saw Dae’s abnormal hybrid claws and how feral she was becoming.
Rain left as Dae growled in anger that her prey was running.
Chase him.
But she couldn’t chase him with Koda wrestling with her. She growled at Koda, hoping he would understand she meant for him to let her go. If he did understand, Dae had no idea because he didn’t stop trying to trap her arms. She struggled until he finally pinned to her arms to her sides as he enfolded her into his large body. She felt cocooned with how he wrapped himself around her and she fought against how comforting it was.
Her crazy self separated from her sane self once more. Dammit. What the hell was going on with her?
Twenty-three
“Let me go!” Dae snarled, now angrier at herself for enjoying being so close to this man. A man who couldn’t even look at her. A man that she had just tried to kill his brother. Talk about being 0 for 2.
“I can’t until you calm down, and even then I have to make sure you don’t go chasing after him.” He spoke into her hair, watching the silky strands shift with his breath.
“I won’t.” Until later. She didn’t finish that statement. Rain was going to be a problem. She felt it in her bones.
Dae continued to try to use her size to her advantage. And Koda continued to keep her in a death lock.
“You’re lying.” Well duh she would have said anything at that point to get out of his arms. It felt too safe, to reassuring. Being in his arms made her question things and Dae couldn’t deal with all that now. It was too much. Maybe next year.
“Not exactly.” She mumbled as she attempted to twist away from him.
“The only way that statement would be true is if you sent someone else after him. If you’d stop fighting me, I would have gone after him.”
Dae was confused. “Why, he’s your brother? Besides this issue is all me.” And sort of Koda, but he didn’t need to know that.
“Do you think I will allow him to insult you? Do you think I will allow anyone get away with insulting you?” He growled in her ear.
“What do you care?” she growled back.
“I care Dae, I care very much and if you would have calmed yourself down and stayed back I would have killed him for what he said.” Dae stilled for a brief moment and Koda thought she might understand, that she might actually be hearing him.
Dae gave up and went limp in his arms. Her stupid eyes where burning again. She was going blind.
“Ok, so what he insulted your guest. Whatever. You didn’t even want to look at me before. Take that honor bullshit and shove–”
“Is that what you think? I’d kill my brother because of honor? I would kill him because he insulted you. You, the most stubborn person I’ve ever met! I don’t know why I haven’t banged my head into the concrete yet. I can hardly stop myself from looking at you! It’s been driving me crazy! You have been making me insane!”
“You sweet talker, you.” Dae said sarcastically as she whipped her head back in an attempt at head butting him. Yes, she knew it was stupid. She knew it didn’t work the first times she tried it, but third time’s a charm. Or was that sixth? He moved his head so the back of hers thumped on his hard chest. Dae had to get away. He was saying all these things Dae did not want to hear. This was wrong.
“And you don’t learn, do you?” Koda said. Dae heard the smile in his voice and she wanted to scratch his pretty mouth. He would let her go if she hurt him. He had to. Dae had to escape! She was still fighting to be free of his arms but she realized there was no escaping a man who dwarfed her by a whole foot and near 150 lbs of muscle.
Dae started to scan around the area looking for something to help her escape. She didn’t want to hurt him. Dae didn’t think she could do it on purpose. Then she spotted the blood smudges on the floor. Who was bleeding? It looked like blood. It smelled similar to her own…
Then she saw his arms, she saw the gouges that looked animalistic. She knew she scratched Koda but how did she do that?
“Your arms…Did I?” Dae had to swallow before she continued, “Did I do that?” she whimpered out. Koda scented the remorse immediately. Even though he was angry with her for what she tried to do, for how she fought him off, he couldn’t be mad at her when she felt like that.
“It’s nothing beautiful, you didn’t hurt me.” Koda took a long sniff of the back of her neck.
“But your arms. The blood…” Dae felt sick to her stomach.
“Stop. It’s nothing, look, my arms are already healing.” Dae looked at his arms in horror. He was healing but that didn’t make what she did, make what she kept doing to him ok.
“Oh gods, what’s wrong with me?” she whispered before she dropped her weight on him. Dae didn’t have the strength to fight anymore. She couldn’t even stand. Koda began to rock her slowly and Dae thought she remembered some other time he rocked her like that but it wasn’t clear.
“Please don’t do that. Nothing is wrong with you. You’re perfect.”
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” She turned her head to look up in his face and he could see the agony in her eyes.
“You don’t have to be sorry–”
“How? How did I do that?
” She looked at her hands and saw the blood under her nails that were now fully human. How was he going to explain this to her? She looked so distraught, so lost he couldn’t bear to tell her now.
Later. He would tell her later.
“It was my fault, when you came at me I jerked my arms back making them worse. It only looks bad. In an hour you won’t even see them.” He was lying for her. Koda knew she would be able to scent it, but he couldn’t help trying to ease her pain.
“Lying doesn’t make what I did ok. I’m losing my mind, I’m losing control.” He lowered them both to the floor and continued rocking her.
“You’re not losing your mind or your control. You were just angry. No big deal.” He tried to make it sound like the truth even though he knew she would smell otherwise.
For a second there, Dae was not in control, but then she surprised him. The woman took over and she still fought to get at Rain. It confirmed that Dae’s wolf wasn’t a problem. It was Dae the woman who was as bloodthirsty as they come. He hoped his father would understand the difference. The Alpha wouldn’t let a feral wolf live. And he would never allow anyone to hurt his mate.
Father be damned.
In a move so quick she actually caught him off guard; she jerked free and stood before the window and gazed at her bloodied finger. He let her. He was just satisfied she wasn’t running out of the apartment. It was a step, a small one but a step nevertheless. He made sure to lock the door, which had been left wide open as Rain retreated. Better to not tempt Dae.
Dae ran her hands through her hair and sighed. “I’m really sorry. I’m just going to go–”
“No, you’re not. It’s not safe out there when you’re not with me.”
“It’s not safe for you here with me!” Dae turned to him, wanting to say more but clamping her lips shut. What was it about him that made her want to say things she didn’t dare voice aloud? She had to go. She was just too fucked up, to crazy to be around anybody. She was almost passing him by when he grabbed her. Something in her warned her he wouldn’t let her leave. And that only made her want to leave all the more.
“Stop beating yourself up over things you can’t change.” Koda growled in her ear. Koda held her face first tight against him. How did he always know the right things to say to her? Sometimes she thought he was in her head, feeling the same things she was.
“I hurt you. You should let go before it happens again.” Dae warned him not as a threat. She was bat-shit crazy. There’s was no telling what the next insane thing she was going to do.
Wearing her underwear outside her cloths, ok. Walking barefoot at gas stations, no problem. Naked table dancing, sure why not?
“Stop pushing me away. This is where I wanted you from the moment I laid eyes on you. I wanted you right here in my arms. It’s where you’re supposed to be.”
Dae’s chest ached as she scented the truth of his words. Gods, he was so damn warm.
“Stop–”
“Look at me.” His voice was gruff and full of emotions she didn’t want to identify. No, no this was too much. He was too intense. Too real. She wished he let her go but she also wished he wouldn’t. What the hell was wrong with her?
Looking up into his eyes was going to be the death of her. And Koda didn’t care. He didn’t understand. He slowly pulled her face to his. They were eye to eye now and damn her if she didn’t want to give in to him if only to ease the look on his face.
She wanted to tell him everything she didn’t ever say.
How was she supposed to distance herself from him when he looked at her that way? How could she escape him? Dae had to be nuts. She swore there were times he looked at her as if she was walking sex and then there were times like this when it felt like her soul was bare before him. When he looked at her like this, she could swear he knew every emotion she hid and that scared the shit out of her. She wanted him to know but at the same time she didn’t.
How fucked up was that Freud? What scared her the most was that if he leaned down a bit closer she could kiss his lips. And she wanted to kiss them badly, more than she wanted to run from him.
He sensed her willingness to stop fighting him and he wanted to howl in triumph. She was like a drink to an alcoholic and he wanted to be drunk on every part of her body and soul. His body burned with need for her but he wanted to taste her lips first. He leaned down, savoring the scent of Dae spiked with arousal. Before their lips made contact, she jerked her head away, giving him a face full of her silky hair. He kissed the side of her head and inhaled deeply.
“You’re so beautiful I could stare at you all day. The most beautiful part of you is what you keep hidden away from everybody… I see it Dae. I want you to know that I see you. I never want to let you go, I want you to stay here in my arms until we become the stars in the heavens but I don’t want to push you.” Then he released her.
Dae was as surprised as a convent doctor trying to treat an outbreak of the clap. She knew why she turned at the last minute. She couldn’t afford let him in. It would be very bad, the logical part of her decided, while the more crazy part of her wanted to join with him. Whatever that meant. This was exactly why he needed to get away from her.
She shook her head as she realized that even though he let her go, she was still leaning on him. His hands gently caressed her arms and she couldn’t fight the peace she felt from his warmth.
“You shouldn’t say those things.” she whimpered and reflexively bit her lip to try to keep her mouth shut.
“Why shouldn’t I? It’s how I feel. I want you to be mine so bad it hurts. I could never hurt you; it would be like hurting myself.”
She shook her head. “You don’t understand.” He barely heard her murmur as she stepped away from his warm body to stand back at the window.
The absence she felt then made her jaw clench. Damn burning eyes.
“So make me understand.” He approached her but didn’t close the complete distance. She would never be his if he pushed her. They both knew that as surely as he knew his standing in the Tribe. He had to stop himself from pushing her.
“I can’t.” she sighed. “You won’t.” Dae sounded so defeated. It made Koda’s chest ache.
“How can you say that without giving me a chance? Try me.”
“Forget it ok, just forget it.” He clenched his fist at the sound of pain in her voice.
“Just tell me Dae, please.”
Dae gazed at his face again. He was begging, and he hated it. He never begged for anything in his life but here he was begging for a chance to make things better for his mate. If only she would let him in…
Dae blew out a breath and then looked down. She hadn’t stopped looking down since she woke up. It made the man sad and the wolf agitated. It was hard for the wolf to not demand that she look at him. Her eyes became glossy and it didn’t look like Dae was going to answer him. Koda was going to let her retreat away from him even though it was killing him to know that she fought him as if he was the enemy. But, then, there his mate went and surprised him again.
“I’m not used to hearing those things.” Dae said in a small voice, so unlike Dae that Koda froze.
“You’re not used to hearing compliments? I can hardly believe that.” Now he was pushing and he hated himself for it. He half expected her to run from him as she had been doing since he wormed his way into her life bit by bit.
Dae looked back to him, directly in his eyes and he was struck by the stifling odor of her pain.
“It’s not important why. Just stop.” Dae was almost pleading with him and he regretted pushing her pain to the forefront. He wanted her to begin trusting him, to let him in just a little. She was always guarded even before he came into her life. He would watch her and could imagine a suit of armor around her constantly.
“But I like telling you how beautiful you look. When you change your hair or when you smile, I can’t help it. I see you and all my sense leaves me.”
Koda looked so bare to her then. She could
n’t doubt his sincerity; she couldn’t delude herself when he was like this.
“It makes me feel.” Dae didn’t even realize she spoke until the words were out of her mouth and she couldn’t take them back. She quickly turned away feeling shame that she spoke words she never intended anyone to hear.
“Makes you feel what? Do I hurt you?” He was confused; she heard it in his voice and smelled it in the air. Realizing he really did care about hurting her splintered something inside.
A small fissure that she knew would spread until it cracked to expose parts of her she wanted no one to see.
Dae turned back to him with a stricken face and all he wanted to do was hold her.
Dae felt pieces of her armor crumble away and knew this was where he would find his way in. And she couldn’t stop it. She couldn’t even stop herself at that point. She was helpless.
“It makes me feel, period. You’re not safe for me and I’m not safe for you.” Dae argued in a whisper, hoping somehow she could make herself angry so she didn’t have to feel so exposed.
Koda was stunned by what she said. “Why don’t you want to feel? What have I done that I’m not safe? I don’t understand.”
Truth. Dae knew he wanted to understand and she feared that somehow, no matter what she would do, he would know the things she kept locked away. She would be as exposed to him as a newborn babe. Vulnerable. It was something she couldn’t ever afford to be. She couldn’t let him in. She couldn’t let anyone in.
Her fear clogged his nostrils like exhaust fumes when she said, “It’s not important.”
“You keep saying that–”
“Because you didn’t listen the first time I said it!” He saw the anger, heard it in her voice, but he still smelled and saw the pain and fear underneath. She tried to leave, to skirt past him and go but he wasn’t going to let her run. Not again. He would be patient with her, he would wait for her to accept him even though she was fighting him and fighting herself. But there was no way he could let her leave. Something told him she wouldn’t come back. Ever.
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