“Yes, I do.”
“No, you don’t!” A sigh surged through the phone. “Your words say that, but your actions disagree. Every time I try to get through that shell you’ve got wrapped around yourself, you build another layer.”
“I can go deeper. I can.”
“That’s what you said the last three times we talked about it. Remember—”
“Don’t give up on me, Perry. I’m trying.”
Not again. Please, no.
“I don’t want to be a jerk about this, but remember last month when I said things needed to change or we’d have to go different directions? I meant it and nothing has changed. Maybe down the road it can work out between us, but not now. I’m sorry, Dana. I do think you’re an amazing person. I gotta go. Please take care of yourself.”
Her phone went dead. Dana closed her eyes, let her head fall back on her chair, and tried to slow her breathing. She wouldn’t cry. Not this time. But moments later the sales awards on the shelves high on her office wall blurred, and she couldn’t stop the sobs from pressing their way out into her silent office. Why couldn’t she let anyone inside? It happened three years ago. Why couldn’t she get over it?
She wiped her eyes and looked at the photo of her and her grandfather, his head tilted back slightly, his mouth wide open as a barrage of laughter poured out. Dana reached out and touched the frame. It was cool, so unlike her pappy who had been such an amazing dad to her after her own father abandoned her by dying far too young.
“I miss you so much, Pappy. You’d make this all better.” She slumped back in her chair. “I know you’d at least try to.”
Dana blinked and puffed out a quick breath, turned back to her computer, and pushed Perry out of her mind. But he kept returning. And he brought his friends with him: Clint, whom she’d gone on three dates with a year back, and all he wanted to talk about were their pasts and what their childhoods were like. Ugh. Let the past stay there. And Glen, who’d suggested they go to counseling after only dating for four months. Why couldn’t she pick a guy who just wanted to have fun?
Dana went to the corner of her office and huddled in the barrel chair there and stared out the window. Why couldn’t she open up? Simple. Because every time she did the person had vanished from her life. Her parents’ divorce. Then her best friend in eighth grade dumping her to get into the popular group. Then her dad dying on her from consumption of too many adult refreshments. Then her mom getting throat cancer and leaving too. Then three years ago her fiancé breaking up with her three months before the wedding.
By the time her tears dried, she admitted Perry was right. She was an emotional paraplegic, and maybe that was the reason she’d accepted Reece’s invitation to Well Spring. She admired the man and liked him from the moment he joined their home group. When he spoke—which wasn’t often—the words were worth listening to. And something about his eyes reminded her of Pappy.
He’d approached her four months ago about going. A chance to get away. A chance to see another side of God. But also a chance to turn from a way of thinking that only led to sorrow. He’d called her out, said following Jesus meant she was part of a body, and that meant depth in relationships. Opening her heart.
Of course it did. She knew she had to open up again if she didn’t want to live the rest of her life alone. But how was she supposed to throw wide the door when the room she’d created in her soul didn’t have one?
She would get over it. She always did. Dana rose, walked back over to her desk, and fiddled with the spreadsheet. There had to be an answer somewhere. Ten minutes later she jerked up at the sound of a voice in her office doorway.
“Hey, girl! Let’s go. We need to do some serious calorie burning.”
Toni, the station’s promotions director, stood in the doorway pumping her arm up and down as if she held a barbell. She grinned, her brilliant smile in sharp contrast with her mocha-colored skin.
Perry flitted back into her mind. “I’m not up for a workout at the moment.” Stay strong. Don’t cry. Never finding anyone didn’t mean she had to be alone. She could always move in with Toni and her husband someday. “And I don’t have time anyway.”
“What are you talking you don’t have time? It’s almost seven o’clock.” Toni strode over to Dana’s laptop, wiggled the mouse, and clicked Shut Down.
“I have work. I can’t lose this job.”
“Lose your job? No way. They love you.”
Did they? Up till a few weeks ago Dana would have agreed. But through the grapevine she’d heard corporate was conducting a full evaluation of all of their Seattle station managers, and a rumor swirled of a headhunter looking for a seasoned sales manager for one of the stations.
Love her? Yes, they would love her madly right up till the second she started missing her goals. And that second was here.
Toni grabbed her sleeve and tugged on it. “And I promise work will still be here when the sun shoots up outta the east tomorrow.”
“I have to figure out a way to hit these budgets to keep our beloved GM from bringing serious heat down on my salespeople.”
“Let them take the heat for once. Why are you always protecting them?”
“I have to finish running these projections.”
“More blood to the brain will smarten you up.” Toni ran in place and poked Dana’s head. “Besides, you do not want that slice of strawberry cheesecake you had for lunch today to take up permanent residence on your hips.”
“Maybe I do.” Dana tried to smile and reached to turn her laptop back on.
“Nuh-uh.” Toni grabbed Dana’s hand. “You don’t. Let’s go.”
As they shuffled across Dana’s office, Toni stopped and pointed to the picture on her wall of an ancient-looking train trestle. “Nice photo, lady.” She smiled. “You took this, right?”
Dana nodded.
“You getting back into snapping pics?”
“A little. Not much.”
But with no distracting dates on the weekends, she’d have more time if she wanted to take it. She checked the time on her phone and sighed at the wallpaper on it. As soon as she had a chance, she would change the picture from Perry to anything else. A shot of her Pekingese or her neighbor’s overly friendly cat. Something she could love that wouldn’t add another layer of pain to her heart.
When they got to the elevator, Toni pushed the button, then tapped Dana on the shoulder. “How’s things with the kinda new boyfriend whose name I can’t ever remember?”
Dana blinked and swallowed. Keep it in. “It didn’t work out.”
“When did you split?”
“Recently.”
“What does ‘it didn’t work out’ mean?”
“That it didn’t work out.” The elevator doors opened, they shuffled in, and Dana pushed the lobby button.
“What happened this time?”
“He broke up with me.”
“Details?”
“That’s all I can share at the moment. It’s time to go to a commercial break.” A few tears slid down her cheek.
Toni rubbed her back. “I’m sorry, girl.”
“It’ll be okay.”
“You’re beautiful, funny, smart—”
“I’m not beautiful. I’m one of those women guys describe as ‘natural’ looking, which means ordinary. Plain.”
“You look like an older version of Emma Stone. That’s beautiful.”
“Right. I look exactly like her except for the gorgeous hair, eyes, face, and figure.”
“You must be looking in the wrong mirror.”
The elevator door opened and the click of their shoes echoed through the lobby.
“I’m old.”
Toni frowned. “Old?” She pushed the door to the street open and held it for Dana. “You think your thirty-five years qualifies you as old? If you’re old, then my forty-four years makes me ancient.”
Dana strode through the front door of the building and brushed her light brown hair back from her face. “Wh
en your left ring finger still has nothing weighing it down, thirty-five is ancient.”
“Maybe you’re dating the wrong men.”
“Maybe.”
“Or maybe God wants to bring you someone else.” Toni shifted her workout bag on her shoulder and stared at Dana.
“That’s hilarious.” She picked up her pace on the sidewalk.
“I’m serious, girl.”
“You don’t believe in God.”
“True.” Toni tapped her cheek and it made a hollow echoing sound. “And while he and I don’t have much of a relationship, it doesn’t mean I don’t believe in something out there that helps us. And I know you’re into all that so I’m trying to talk your language.”
“Thanks.”
“You want to know the real reason guys keep disappearing?”
“No.”
“Because you keep a sixty-foot pole between you and them. With a spiked tip. And every time they try to get to fifty-nine feet, you stab them with it.”
Dana sighed. “I know.”
“What ever happened with that guy from long ago and far away when it got serious?”
Dana slowed and kicked at an empty gum wrapper. “What?”
“Before you came to work at the station. You said you dated a basketball player or an artist—somethin’ like that. Three or four years ago. Weren’t you engaged or close to it?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Sure it does.”
“Can we drop this, Toni?”
“I was just asking.”
“Stop asking.”
As they stood on the corner waiting for the little white man with no hands or feet in the black box to tell them it was okay to cross the street, Dana glanced at the Tully’s Coffee on the opposite corner.
A man sat in the corner of the shop where the windows came together . . . Was he staring at her? She glanced at the red hand across the street telling her to keep waiting, then back to the man. He was still looking her direction. Midthirties?
Kind of cute. Dark hair. Confident eyes bordering on cocky. The kind of guy she would have been dying to date in her early twenties. The kind of guy she had avoided in her late twenties—but still would have been tempted to date. Now? Perry was the last. She would swear off dating forever. All it brought was pain. The man didn’t break eye contact. Neither did she. If he wanted a stare-down, she’d give it to him.
A man jostled her from behind and she turned. The light had changed. As they clipped across the intersection, she looked at the man in the coffee shop again. He was studying a magazine that obscured the bottom half of his face, but she could see his eyes. Alluring.
“Dana? You there, girl?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“What or who were you staring at?”
“A guy sitting in Tully’s.”
“Oh really?” Toni did a little jig. “See, God’s bringing you someone new already.”
She groaned. “Stop it. I’m going to become a nun.”
Dana glanced back at the man. Something shimmered across the window. A grayness or . . . a kind of haze. What was that? Then a feeling sped across her mind. He didn’t belong here. An instant later a dull pressure began in the front of her skull and started to spread.
No, not now. She didn’t need this on top of everything else.
“Dana, wake up.” Toni pulled her sleeve.
“What?”
“I just asked you about your trip coming up on Sunday.”
“Sorry. I think I have one of my world-famous migraines coming on. What about the trip?”
Toni laughed. “You’re not seriously telling me you have a headache, are you? You think that will let you escape the workout?”
“I’m not trying to get out of it. I’ll be fine.” She squinted against the now-harsh sunlight angling into her eyes.
“Then back to my question, are you still going on this crazy spiritual quest, follow the guru thing in Colorado?”
“I don’t know.” Dana picked up her pace. “Why would I want to put myself in a cabin for four days with people I don’t know except for Reece?”
“What!” Toni whacked Dana’s shoulder. “You have to go.”
“Why?”
“You know you’re closed off. This will be a chance to open up. Plus, you told me the Holy Spirit guy told you to go.”
“Once again, since you—”
“Hey, don’t give me that ‘I don’t believe in God so I can’t speak about it’ gar-baj. When you told me, there was no doubt in your mind you were supposed to go. Just be sure now that you’re bagging out because the Spirit changed his mind rather than you changing yours.”
They reached the club and stepped through the glass doors of Burn It Up Fitness. “I think I hate you, Toni.”
She laughed. “Nah, you love me. Always have, always will.”
Dana yanked her Bluetooth off her ear and shoved it into a pocket in her workout bag and pulled out a bottle of Aleve and a bottle of water. She popped three caplets into her mouth, took a swig of water, and swallowed. If she didn’t knock this migraine out now, it would rule her entire night.
“You and the guru and two guys at the ranch, right?” Toni swiped her card at the front desk and Dana did the same.
“There’s another woman coming. If she wasn’t, God would definitely be changing his mind.”
Ten minutes later, as sweat trickled down Dana’s neck, she turned to Toni. “Don’t worry, I’m going.”
“Good. You know that sixty-foot pole? Maybe God has some plans to break it.”
SIX
“ARE YOU EXCITED ABOUT TOMORROW?”
Marcus turned from the packed suitcase resting on his bed toward the doorway of his bedroom. Kat leaned against the door frame smiling, auburn bangs spilling over her brown eyes, an everpresent smile on her face.
He couldn’t imagine life without her. Sure he could. Single. Miserable. Maybe not living in a tent, but a home not much better.
“The needle on my anticipation meter is quite high. Reece has dangled a significant amount of questions that have my mind whirring as if a cyclotron is attached to it.”
“You’re forgetting there are little brains in the room.” She smiled.
“My apologies.” He knocked on the side of his head and grinned. “A cyclotron is used to accelerate charged particles.”
“So that’s what’s inside your skull? Particles?” Kat sashayed over to marcus and grabbed the collar of his polo shirt. “God is going to get you on this little retreat.”
“Is that so?”
“Yes.” She pulled him down and kissed him lightly on the lips. “I’ve been praying about this, and I think changes are coming—good changes inside you. Big changes. Plus you’ll probably get a chance to continue your ongoing discussion with Reece about time travel being more than theoretically possible.”
“After hearing his presentation up at Snoqualmie Falls, I get the distinct impression he believes in more than time travel. I’ve never heard him talk that way.”
“Then you should have a wonderful time, my love.”
“You haven’t felt any hesitation about me participating in the retreat?”
“No.” Kat looked down, a frown passing across her face.
His stomach churned. He knew that look. “What?”
She pulled away and walked to their bedroom’s picture window and gazed out at the hemlock trees in their small Seattle backyard near the University of Washington.
“What aren’t you telling me?”
Kat slid a finger along the windowsill, then moved back toward the door and waved her hand. “Nothing.”
“What aren’t you saying?”
Her tone went flat. “It’s not important.”
“I don’t believe you.”
Kat stepped partway through the door and stopped but didn’t turn back toward him. “Abbie’s soccer game. The championship has been rescheduled.”
“What?”
She turned. �
��They moved it up.”
Marcus pressed his fingers into his eyebrows. “To when?” He didn’t need to ask. The look in Kat’s eyes told him if he went to Well Spring, he would miss the game. This couldn’t be happening.
“Wednesday evening.”
He grabbed the bedpost and slid his grip down it as he slumped onto the bed. “Congratulations, Professor, you’ve just failed the test.”
Kat eased back into the room and walked over to him.
“But making the correct choice isn’t a complex problem.” He turned to Kat. “I’m not going to Colorado.”
“You’re right, it is an easy choice. Yes, you are going.”
“I’m calling Reece.” He fished his cell phone out of his pocket.
“Wait.” Kat sat next to him on the bed.
“For what purpose? I will not break my word. When I made that promise I meant it. There were too many years of—”
“You’ve been to every one of Abbie’s and Jayla’s games, every one of the girls’ events for the past year and a half. You’ve been fully present on vacations. Do you realize how many memories you’ve created? The kids know you’ve changed. They’ve seen it. I’ve seen it. Abbie will understand.”
How could she understand? How does a thirteen-year-old understand breaking a promise like the one he’d made?
“I will never miss one of your games again. Ever. For any reason. You have my word and I will not break it.”
“Have you told her yet?”
“No, but I will.”
“That won’t be necessary.” Marcus stood. “I’m not going.”
“You told Reece you would long before they changed the date. There’s no way you could have known the game would be moved. And like I said, God is in this. She’ll understand.”
“It’s not just a game but the championship. Those don’t come around like the second hand on a clock.”
“She’ll understand.”
“Why did they move it?” Marcus clenched his teeth.
“I don’t know.” Kat shook her head. “It doesn’t make sense. It was totally out of the blue and they didn’t even give a good reason.”
“Why didn’t you tell me this earlier?”
Kat reached over and touched his cell phone. “Because you would have called Reece and told him you weren’t coming.”
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