by Ella Parks
“He is bad sick! Don’t you hear him in there? You hurt him bad! He hasn’t done anything wrong, but you beat him bad around his face, now listen to him. He was here with me. He didn’t do anything wrong.”
I couldn’t tell what the sheriff said to her, but the door opened a few seconds until I gagged again, then closed fast.
In a few minutes Mama came to me holding a wet cloth to my face. My stomach had settled a little and I lay on the bed, not able to stand.
“Mama, I know who shot him. I have to tell someone, someone I can trust.”
“No, no you don’t! You can’t trust anyone. They are powerful, and you need to stay here with me. They will blame you if they can. You have to stay out of it.”
I tried to remind her of how they saved my life. I wanted to tell her how Lucy had prayed for me, but my tongue was thick, and everything seemed to be getting dark on me. The room seemed to be floating around me until darkness claimed me.
22
I finally found Markus on the back porch of the house. He was setting there in the shadows, his head down in his hands, shoulders shaking with sobs. He didn’t raise his head when I touched his shoulders or even when I pulled him close to me. I held on to my son as he cried with a sorrow he had never had before.
“It’s my fault, it’s my fault!” He said as his shoulders heaved with pain.
“How is it your fault?” I asked. “You didn’t shoot him, so how can you say it was your fault.”
“I don’t mean that. I mean it is my fault we were at odds with each other. Maybe someone had threatened him or maybe he knew something was wrong; and didn’t tell me because I shut him out the last few weeks. I shut him out completely. I didn’t even treat him like he was my brother! Oh God how could I have treated him that way? The both of us have always been two halves of the same person, all our lives we have been like that. We can even read each other’s thoughts and it horrifies me to think of the way it has been lately. We didn’t talk, could hardly stand to be in a room together. It was Megan, we both wanted her. We both wanted her so bad, and each of us thought she wanted us. It was like a fire or poison in our veins, with both of us hoping to win her. She would go with one of us one night and the other the next driving us both crazy with jealousy over what we feared she was doing with the other one.”
“You knew she was seeing the both of you?”
“Yes, we knew and instead of that stopping us it seemed to push us harder to try and win her.”
“Did you know she was sleeping with the both of you?”
“Oh Mama, I guess we knew but neither of us wanted to believe it. I think we were so caught up in her we didn’t want to consider that. We were competing for her. We were both crazy with wanting her. She had a way about her. She did things.”
He stumbled on those words, remembering he was talking to his Mother.
“Neither of us had ever been around a woman like her, but Mama all that ended when I saw Mark lying there bleeding. I am not trying to take away any of my blame, but I hope I never have to look at her again. Everything she did to make me want her just makes me sick to think about now. It just makes me sick! I don’t know how I could have been so stupid! Oh Mama, I have been such a fool! How can I ever come back from that kind of mistake? How can I ever look at myself the same way again? Something inside me would nag me from time to time, but then she would come to me pushing those thoughts away for a while. I will never forgive myself for what I did, never!”
“It wasn’t just you Markus, Mark was involved as well. It wasn’t just you.”
“I was worse than he was. He seemed to have more restraint than I did. What hurts me so much is remembering how I treated him, feeling like I hated him sometimes.
I thought about what she had told me a few hours earlier and I knew it would not be that easy. Megan may have wrecked destruction with my boys, but if she was pregnant by one of them, the baby would have to be considered. I kept silent, knowing that battle would have to be fought another time.
“Mama who would shoot Mark? I just don’t understand, everyone seemed to love Mark.”
“I don’t know son. The sheriff was here earlier, and he thought it might be BJ, in fact he brought him to us and was going to arrest him.”
“No, Mama, BJ wouldn’t do a thing like that!”
“I know, that is why I told him BJ was with me when Mark was shot.”
“Was he? What was he doing with you?”
I could have continued my lie; but lies pain me, so I told him the truth.
“No, he was not with me, but the sheriff found him behind the building. After BJ got hurt, we all spent a lot of time taking care of him. I sat with him, feeding and caring for him. We didn’t talk, but somehow, I felt we got to know each other. The sheriff had already hit him a few times, and I was scared if he took him in to town BJ might be hurt worse. He did not need any more blows to his head. I asked BJ if he shoot Mark and he told me no. I believe him, so I told the sheriff he had been with me, so he would let him go.”
“You lied to the sheriff?” He asked in a shocked voice as if I had admitted to something horrible.
“Yes, at the time I thought it was the best thing to do. I know it is wrong to lie, but I really was worried about what might happen to BJ.”
“No, BJ wouldn’t do a thing like that. We never mentioned it to you but as children in school we played with BJ. The three of us were close once. Mark and I both thought that was why Papa sent us away to school, so we would not be around BJ or his brothers.”
“What, you boys played with BJ? You never mentioned it to me.”
“Awe Mama we always knew about BJ. I don’t remember a time we didn’t know. It always hurt him that Papa didn’t claim him as his own. He would ask questions about Papa all the time. Silly questions, little things, like what did Papa like to eat. Anything he could find out about how Papa acted at our house. I guess he was comparing what we said he did to how he acted when he was around BJ. I always wanted to tell him he was not missing anything, truth is Mark and I thought he was the lucky one to not have to be around Papa all the time. I wanted to tell him how terrified we were of his displeasure. He never hit us but still kept us scared all the time. If he was home, we were scared to make the slightest noise. One look from him, one hateful look terrified us, plus we knew if we misbehaved, he would take it out on you. We knew how he treated you.”
“Oh son, I know, and I am so very sorry!”
“It wasn’t your fault Mama, we understood very young that you had no choice. You did what you could to protect us. We had fun when he was gone, but the minute he walked in the door it was like a pall of sadness came over the entire house.”
“You boys never said anything.”
“What could we say Mama? There was nothing you could do and if we had complained it would have just hurt you worse. You had enough to deal with, so we did the same thing you did, we just dealt with it. If it had not been for leaving you, we would have been glad to go away to school, but Mama the sorrow on your face ripped at us. How we hated to leave you alone with him, except for worrying about you, school was a blessing to us. There were rules alright, lots of them, but there was also laughing in the rooms and the hall ways. The teachers were firm but kind. They seemed to really care about their students. If it had not been for Doc’s gentleness and love, we may have grown up thinking a man should act like Papa did. God forbid we may have grown up thinking that and tried to be like he was. I believe he wanted that. I believe our Papa wanted us cold and hard, just as he was. I think that would have made him proud. We swore to each other we never would. We swore we would be like our Doc was, we promised ourselves we would treat our wives and children well, and now look what we have done to each other, but instead of two women, it was the two of us against each other for the first time is our lives.”
I noticed he still had not called Lilly’s na
me, and I stood silent for a moment looking for some words to ease the guilt and pain he was feeling. I wanted to tell him he and Mark could turn it all around again, and they could but there would still be a price to pay and I feared the price would be heavy. I searched for the right words, finally speaking, fumbling with seeing his pain.
“It was a sad time, made even more sad by the fact that it didn’t have to be. Sometimes the choices we make can affect many others, that is why is so important to try to do the right thing.”
Those words did not comfort, and I knew as soon as they left my mouth, I should have thought of something else to say to him. I didn’t mean to sound as if I was trying to push salt in his wounds, but thankfully he did not seem to take it that way.
“I am so sorry Mama! I know your choices were taken away from you. We always knew that. I am so happy you finally had a chance to live the way you want to live, and I am so sorry for treating my brother the way I have. It will never happen again, it will never happen again.”
As I stood beside my boy, thinking about his twin laying broken, the weight of grief heavy, seemingly heavier than I could bear inside me because he didn’t know it, but I carried his and Mark’s grief too. As he sat there wrecked with pain, he had no way of knowing mine was heavier. I would never tell him, Mothers don’t talk about the pain of wondering if they could have done something, anything to have prevented it somehow. We don’t tell them how we have anguished over them all their lives, trying to lead them in a good direction. We don’t tell them how their mistakes rip the core of us, not because we expect them to be perfect but because we know there is always a price to pay for mistakes. We talk to them hoping to save them from having to pay the price, knowing some mistakes can’t be reversed. We don’t tell them how we share their misery of mistakes, sometimes even more than they do, because we love them so much.
His words had shown me that I could have never done it without Doc. Maybe boys just need a good man in their lives. His words about becoming like Barry frightened me, while I realized I had sometimes feared that, and was always grateful they had not turned in that direction. My mind whirled as I thought I should have been more watchful with Megan. Maybe I could have done something, anything. Markus’s guilt was so strong, I feared for him if his brother did not recover.
“I love Mark so very much! Oh Mama, I love my brother!”
“I know son, I know you love him, and he loves you too. Let’s go see about him now.”
He put his arm around my shoulders as we walked back to the hospital to check on another part of our heart. As we walked shadows seem to move in the night, shadows I had never noticed before leaving me wondering who might be watching us, but we walked on neither of us mentioning who might be out there.
Mark was still asleep, face slack, hair dark against the white pillowcase, and I thought of all the times I had watched them both sleeping. Molly was close to his bed, holding his hand in hers. My heart cried, and my hands ached to feel the warmth of his skin. I gently pushed his hair away from his forehead, as I leaned down to kiss his dear face. My touch woke him, and I watched as he fought to open confused eyes.
“Mama….” He started, then stopped as his memory kicked in.
“Mama…” He whispered again.
“It’s alright son. I am here, everything will be alright. We are all here with you. It will be alright.” I whispered, praying that what I said was true. Praying that everything would be alright.
Markus reached for him then, tears streaming down his face as he begged his brother to forgive him.
“Mark, I am so sorry for the way I have been acting. I must have been crazy. You know how much I love you and I will never treat you that way again. I swear to you I will never do it again if you will forgive me.”
I knew Mark and Markus were equally to blame but Mark was the one lying broken on the bed and I knew the guilt was burning out the soul of Markus. Mark answered low, and breathless.
“It was me as much as you, but I have to tell you brother, I have missed you so bad. So very bad! How bad is it Markus? Tell me the truth, how bad is it?”
I could see Markus stiffen in pain at having to tell his brother he may never walk again, as I started to step forward to spare him the pain by my telling Mark the bad news, Markus said.
“It is pretty bad Mark! Doc says you may not be able to walk again!”
I heard the low moan from Mark, as Markus went on, “But he also said it was possible that you might! He said it was always a chance. We have to focus on that chance Mark, we can’t lose hope. We can’t lose hope!”
Doc walking back into the room stopped Mark’s answer, but I saw the despair on his pale face as Doc walked toward the bed, leaning down gently touching Mark on his face.
“You fight this thing son, you fight hard! We are all here for you, every step of the way. I did everything I have the knowledge to do for you and I am sorry I can’t give you a better report, but you are strong, and I won’t say you will never walk again. I want to hold out some hope that you might. You just might, my boy.”
“I know you did your best Doc. I know you did.”
“Do you know of anyone that would do this to you? Has anything happened you haven’t told us about?” Doc asked him. “Any patients that have given you any trouble?”
“No, nothing like that has happened.”
“The sheriff tried to arrest BJ, but Mama told him he was with her.”
Doc looked startled as he asked.
“BJ, why would he think BJ shot him?”
“He said he found him hanging around behind the building. He had already been rough with him. BJ is still fragile from his injury and I was scared the sheriff would hurt him worse if he took him in, so I told him he had been with me.”
“BJ wouldn’t hurt me Mama.” Mark said.
“I didn’t believe he did. I know I should not have lied about it, but it was my concern for him that caused me to do it. I feel bad about the lie, but at the time it seemed to be the right thing to do.”
“Don’t worry Mama, BJ would never hurt me. I am glad you saved him.”
“Mark try to think hard about anyone that might have done this to you. Anything different, no matter how small you think it might be.” Doc said.
“I can’t think of anything, except…. but I don’t think it means anything.”
“What?” Mark asked.
“The other night Molly and I were setting on the back porch. We sat for a while talking, until we thought we heard someone on the porch. Then there were some shadows out by the building. We went in and I watched out the window for a little while, but I didn’t see anything else.”
Molly spoke up then, “I felt like someone was watching that night too. It gave me an uneasy feeling, but I told myself I was imaging things.”
“So, either of you couldn’t tell who it was?” Markus asked.
“No, I just felt strange, as if someone was watching us.”
“Have you seen anything else?”
“No, nothing.”
“I’ll mention it to the sheriff.” Doc said.
“I don’t think he will be of much help after I asked him to let BJ go.” I said. I wondered about Ralph. Surely, he did not hate me bad enough to shoot my son, but I didn’t mention his name for fear of hurting Molly.
“You may be right, but I will tell him about it anyway. Now Mark you need to try to get some rest now. Close your eyes. We will have lots of time to try to find out what is going on, but for now, you need your rest.”
None of us made any move to leave until he said again.
“Mark needs to sleep, and it might be a little hard to do with all of us in here. We will take turns setting with him.”
My mind went back to him saying almost the same thing when BJ was hurt. Molly broke into my thoughts as she said.
“I will take the
first shift,” I started to complain but she spoke before I could.
“It just makes sense for me to stay. Doc and Markus are tired, and your leg is hurt. Jenny can put Jimmy down to sleep. I’ll be fine here with him and I will come get you if I need someone else.”
Billy spoke up, “I think she is right. All of you do need to rest, and I am going to pull a cot up to sleep outside his room tonight, until we can find a few answers to who shot him.”