by Annie Jocoby
I sighed. I was officially on top of the world right at that moment. I felt my past recede into the background. All the pain that I had endured in my life felt like it was erased by Nick's tenderness and love for me. It was like I suddenly had a protective shield around me that nobody would be able to penetrate. And I never would be hurt again. Nick wouldn't let that happen to me anymore.
“What are you thinking about, my love?” he asked me.
I shook my head, hesitant to tell him my thoughts. “Nothing. I'm just so happy right now. I didn't think that this level of happiness was even possible for me. I mean, I haven't been unhappy in awhile, but there definitely has always been something missing. And now I've found it. I feel like I have everything now.”
He put his hand in my hair and kissed my forehead. “I feel the same way about you,” he said. “I never thought that I could feel this strongly about another person. This connected. I didn't think it was possible, to be honest with you.”
Then he kissed me again, from across the table. His lips were so soft on mine. He put my face in his hands, and then he stroked my arm. I got goosebumps as his hands lightly ran over my wrist and up to my shoulder. We both stood up and made our way to his couch. I laid down and he laid right behind me. I took off my clothes, as did he, and he kissed me while his hands played with my breasts. “I don't want to make love right now,” he said. “I just want to enjoy being near you. Feeling your warmth next to me. Your heat. Your soft skin. I just want to take everything in for a little while. And then I want to make love to you again.”
So, we lay on the couch for a few hours, just feeling each other's body warmth. He kissed me and played with my body while we lay there, but we also talked to each other about different things. We talked about silly things, such as when Nick said “You know, last year, when I had nobody in my life, I actually bought a Festivus pole. I just wasn't in the mood for celebrating.”
I started laughing. “Oh, god, that was one of my favorite episodes of Seinfeld. What a tradition – to tell everybody in your life how they disappointed you in the past year!”
“Yeah. I wish I had my ex-wife at my Festivus celebration. I would've given her an earful.”
I giggled. “I guess I could have done the same with my mom.”
We also talked about more deep topics. “I never thought that I would be so happy on Christmas. And I never thought that I could let a man touch me after what Mr. Lucas did to me. I thought that I would be too scared.”
“How do you feel now?”
“Like that entire episode in my life never happened. Being with you kinda hit the reset button for me. I feel reborn, like I can live my life like a normal woman who doesn't have to always be afraid. I feel like I have the courage of 10 women now. It's just so important to have somebody who you know will catch you when you fall, and will help you ward off the dark thoughts and demons in the night.”
It was then that I told him how much I had been plagued throughout my life with constant nightmares. “I dreamed of Mr. Lucas almost every night. I couldn't get away from it. From him. What he did. The violation. The humiliation. The shame. Always the shame. Shame was what defined my entire life and existence. But you know what? I didn't have those dreams last night. I only dreamed of you. You've managed to chase away the darkness, so I have hope for the first time in my entire life.”
He said nothing, but kissed me again. Then he said “that means so much to me that you say that. That I earned your trust, and you have learned to look past the man that I was and can see the man that I'm going to be for you. I don't know what I did in my life to deserve a woman like you. I am only grateful that you were brought into my life.”
We talked like that all afternoon, while laying naked on the couch together. And we also kissed passionately while taking breaks from talking. And, even while we were talking, we were casually running our hands all over each other's body. This was almost better than making love, because this was true intimacy.
Intimacy laced with white-hot passion.
Finally, after laying around like this for most of the morning and afternoon, Nick made love to me again. “I don't want to eat or sleep or do anything anymore except for be inside of you all afternoon,” he said. I groaned as I felt him enter me for perhaps the tenth time since I alighted in this loft last night. I never thought that two people could be so consumed with one another, but I was wrong. Because that was the best way to describe our heat and our passion – it was all-consuming. Neither of us wanted to do anything except be with each other, our bodies entwined and touching and feeling.
We ended up in his bed again, and after we made love again, Nick told me to wait in the bed, because he was going to be right back.
He was, but his hands were behind his back. “Close your eyes, Scotty,” he said. I did as I was told. “You've given me the best Christmas present ever, just by being here. But don't think that I had forgotten to get you something.”
I smiled as he handed me a small, gift-wrapped box. My heart thundered in my ears as I took the box with shaking hands. “Oh, my god,” I said. “What did you get me?”
“Open it, love,” he said.
I did, and, in that Tiffany box was the most beautiful diamond earrings and choker combination I had ever seen. The diamonds were perfect in cut, clarity and color. My hands were shaking, as I asked him to put the choker on my neck. I fastened the gorgeous earrings in my ears. Then Nick brought me a mirror and I looked in it. “I don't know what to say,” I told him. “These are...there are no words. I...wow.”
I stood there looking at my reflection, my mouth agape. I didn't recognize myself, almost. Who was that girl in the mirror? The one with the smile that was completely genuine and wasn't used to cover up hurt and shame? It was as if I was seeing her for the first time. “Hello, gorgeous,” I said, doing my best Fanny Brice. “It's nice to see you.” I fluttered my eyelashes and giggled. I was acting like a girly-girl for once, and it felt wonderful.
Nick was standing there watching me, a huge grin on his beautiful face. “Seeing you light up like that is probably the best present that anybody has ever given me.”
I blushed. “Well, I have something for you, too. I mean, it's not much, but I made it myself. It's the thought that counts.”
“I'm quite sure that I will love it,” he said.
So, I handed him my little box that had the hat and scarf in it. Nick opened it, and genuinely looked delighted. “This is beautiful, Scotty. You made this?”
“Yeah. I had to learn to knit years ago, because I wanted to have affordable winter things. Plus, knitting genuinely relaxes me.”
He beamed as he tried on the navy blue scarf and hat. “How do I look?”
“Gorgeous, as usual,” I said. “I'm, uh, glad that you like it.”
“I love it. Truly, I do. Because it came from the heart. Plus, it's my color.”
“It sure is,” I said.
Then he kissed me passionately. “Oh, Scotty, I just can't get enough of you. I want you to stay here with me forever.”
As we made love again, I thought to myself I want to stay here forever too.
Chapter 59
Nick
It had been several weeks since Scotty spent the holidays with me in my loft, and things were going great. Better than great. I didn't want to tell her this, but I was, more and more, seeing her as somebody whom I could be married to for the rest of my life. And, unlike my first disastrous marriage, which was a shot-gun marriage, really, I was thinking that Scotty and I could actually make things work. Even after the initial passion wears off.
And the passion between us was white hot. I wanted to make love all the time, and we did, as much as was humanly possible. But we also truly got each other, and I was finding that I was comfortable with her and could talk to her about anything at all. So, we had the best friends things down pat as well. Best friends with tons of benefits – that would describe the ideal relationship, and that was what we had.
> The only thing that nagged at me was that I had never brought up to her the subject of my bisexuality. Not that it was relevant anymore, as I honestly couldn't see myself straying from Scotty, ever. But, at the same time, it was something that was known in certain circles, and I didn't want her to be blind-sided by the revelation.
Plus, there was the issue of Portia. Portia, being a very intelligent woman, almost immediately picked up on the fact that Scotty and I were together. And she wasn't in the least bit happy.
She called me into her office one day. I arrived and sat down.
“So, Nick, you still want to tell me that you're not banging that waif?” she said after the holiday break.
“Nope, not banging her,” I said. And, technically, that was true, as I didn't consider myself to be “banging” Scotty. Rather, Scotty was, in my mind, my significant other. Therefore, I didn't consider myself to be “banging” her at all.
“I'm calling bullshit.”
“Whatever. Listen, Portia, even if Scotty and I were together, and we're not, but, if we were, what's the problem? This firm doesn't have a policy about things like that.”
To my surprise, Portia's face became sad. It looked like she might start crying. “Nick. I know what you think of me. That I'm this automaton who has no feelings whatsoever. But you couldn't be more wrong. I genuinely like you, Nick. I genuinely think that you and I could have a good time together.”
I sighed. “What about that superstar Giants player that you're dating?”
Portia shook her head. “I'm getting tired of that lunkhead, to tell the truth. I mean, he gets me into some fabulous parties, but that's as useful as he gets. All he wants to talk about is football, protein shakes and working out. The guy has never even heard of Frank Lloyd Wright, let alone van der Rhoe. How can I have a conversation with somebody like that?”
“I don't know. It's not like he's the only guy in town. Find somebody who you have more in common with.”
“That's just it. There are so few hot men out there who are interesting and have the same focus that I do. You're like the perfect combination of brilliant and beautiful, and that's hard to find. I fantasize about you all the time. And not about us having sex, but actually being together.”
I was a bit stunned. I wasn't expecting this at all. At all at all. I took a deep breath. This was getting trickier by the second to navigate. “Portia. You have to stop thinking about me in that way. I'm not interested. You're not my type. I'm really looking for somebody simple and sweet.”
“Like the waif.”
“Well, I guess. But, I'm sorry to tell you something that you don't want to hear. You are not simple, and, I'm sorry, you aren't sweet. It's nothing against you, though. It's just a matter of taste. I'm quite sure that there are plenty of men who are looking for a dominant woman who looks like a Victoria Secret model.”
She sighed. “Ok, then, Nick. Well, thanks for your honesty. In the meantime, would you like to have a drink with me? I have some amazing double barrel scotch that's fifty years old.”
I started salivating when she said that. I was always a sucker for some good aged scotch.
Portia brought out the bottle. She certainly did know her scotch. A Glenfiddich 50-year-old double barrel scotch was the best there was.
I was hesitant to have a drink with her, but only did so because I figured that I could possibly get her off of Scotty's case if she and I were friendly.
“Okay,” I said. “One drink. And then I have to get back to work.”
At that, she poured a glass for her and me. She raised her glass, and I raised mine. And then she looked at the door.
I looked at the door, too, instinctively. I wanted to see what she was looking at. I had nothing to hide, but I didn't want Scotty seeing Portia and me. She might get the wrong impression.
I turned back around. “What were you looking at?”
She shrugged her shoulders. “Nothing. I just thought that I heard somebody approaching, that's all. In the meantime, bottoms up.”
I smiled and took a sip of the scotch. As I drank the whiskey, I just looked at Portia, realizing that I didn't have much to say to her, really.
I started to open my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. I was feeling weird and woozy.
Portia was saying something to me, but it sounded like she was at the end of a long, long tunnel. “You must think I'm a fool, Nick. You're banging that waif, but you won't be for long, I predict. You won't be for long.”
I was confused on what she was saying and why she was saying it. All that I knew was that I was feeling like I was about to pass out.
And then, all at once, everything went black.
Chapter 60
Scotty
I was at work, feeling like I was on top of the world. I was so in love with Nick, and he was with me. We were spending every spare minute together, and our lives were full of passion and fun. Every moment was a revelation between us.
There was nothing that could shake my happiness.
Or, so I thought.
The first intrusion into the happiness bubble came in the form of a phone call from the child protective services people.
“Ms. James?” the woman said. “This is Chantal Washington calling from the Office of Children and Family Services.”
My heart sank. I had tried so hard to avoid this. Why did I think that I could run from it forever? “Yes,” I said. “Can I help you?”
“I need for you to meet with me in my office at your earliest possible convenience.”
I sighed. Suddenly, my future looked very different. I no doubt would have to take custody of Aaron. And there was no way that I could maintain my full load of classes and job while caring for a two-year-old.
It finally caught up to me.
My heart in my throat, I said “I can probably make it today after work. How long are you going to be in your office?”
“I can stay as long as you need me to. But I really need to speak with you about your brother, Aaron.”
“Of course,” I said. “I can make it to your office at 8 tonight.”
“Very good,” she said. “I'll see you then.”
I hung up and put my head in my hands. I could see my dreams being shattered after that phone call. It was as if my goals were a crystal egg that was extremely fragile, and the egg was thrown to the ground and shattered in a million pieces.
My dreams were going to be shattered in a million pieces.
Oh, well, it's just as well. Aaron does need protection. It's time for me to be less selfish and think of him. Yes, I probably would have to drop out of school, and drop this internship as well, I thought. I could see no way out of it.
I took a deep breath. I needed to see Nick and talk to him. See if he had any ideas about what to do.
Just then, I got a phone call. From Portia.
“Scotty, this is Portia. I need to see you in my office right now.”
Just what I need. More flagellation. “Sure, Portia, I'll be right there,” I said.
I trudged to her office, planning to find Nick after talking to her. I knocked on the door.
“Come in!” she called.
I opened the door. And almost passed out upon seeing what I was seeing in that office.
Portia and Nick were lying on the couch, completely naked. Portia's disturbingly perfect body was lying on top of Nick's completely nude form. She was stroking his hair and smiling at me like the cat who had just eaten the canary.
I immediately turned around and ran down the hallway and into the bathroom. I hurried into one of the stalls and crouched down to the porcelain bowl and threw up.
I was shaking all over. I laid down next to the bowl and sobbed. Stupid Scotty. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Leopards don't change their spots. Idiot. How could you have trusted him? Once a man-whore, always a man-whore.
At some point I got up off the floor and made my way out of the office suite. Once again, I took the stairs down to the lobby, my tears flowi
ng more than they ever had before.
I had been through so much in my life. At times, my depression threatened to overwhelm me.
But nothing was as painful, in my life, as what I just saw in Portia's office. Never in my life had I felt that I wanted to die.
At that moment, that was exactly what I felt. That I wanted to die.
In an absolute daze, I walked onto the sidewalk. I started to cross the street. A car was coming around the corner, too fast.
And that was the last thing that I remember.
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