by Blood, Joy
“Linn is that you?” I hear a familiar deep and once sexy tone call out to me. Turning around I am so relieved to see Clay standing in the doorway with a pillow over his manhood.
“Hi Clay, I was just looking for Lee,” I tell him trying not to look directly at his pillow that, is very small and doing a very poor job hiding the erection he has.
“Sorry, he moved out couple months ago. Moved to Big Fork last I heard.”
“Oh okay. He leaves a forwarding address or something?” Clay just shakes his head. Alright, then I guess I tried.
“He keeps his boat docked in the same place, though, you might try there.” With that, he turns giving me a view of his bare naked ass and closes the door behind him.
I guess it looks like I'm going to have to take a trip to Big Fork.
So I'm a chicken shit. It has been two weeks since I found out where Lee was and I am just now going to see him. The fear of rejection hanging heavily on me. The drive seems to take forever but at least it’s nice weather. I have that going for me. Hopefully, he will be going out on his boat. It’s early morning so I am counting on seeing him there right before he sets out.
There are still many boats docked when I show up. I get lucky seeing the Casanova is still tied up. So far so good, I didn't see his jeep in the lot but it is still a little early so I go sit in the car and wait.
An hour and a half later I see him pull up. The anxiety takes hold and I'm a mess. I watch as he gets out and grabs a cooler from the back. He is alone and I thank my lucky stars for that. I wait for him to get down the dock a ways then get out to follow him down.
“I see you, Linn. What do you want?” He says when he gets to the boat hauling his cooler aboard.
“I wanted to talk. If that’s okay?”
“Well get on. I want to get out of here before the morning rush starts.” He tells me while busing himself with readying the boat. I don't ask any questions I just get on taking the chance he is giving me. I find my normal spot and life jacket getting comfortable but he has other plans.
“You have been out here enough with me, come help. Unless you have forgotten everything I taught you?” he asks with that damn eyebrow raised. He is still such a handsome bastard. His short stubble has given way to a beard and his hair has gotten longer. Long enough to tie back at his nape, which is how he has it now.
“I think I can do that,” I respond getting up off my ass to go help him.
We get out into the open and start to drift. He isn't shy about breaking the silence we have been in since we started sailing.
“What do you want Linn?” He asks me again. Time to talk.
“I miss you and I needed to know if you. Or we. Could maybe, try this again?” He is quiet for a moment, a long moment that feels like it lasts years.
“No.” No? Really I came out here and went through all this for a no? Not even an explanation as to why?
“Well okay then.” I stare off into the lake and wrap my arms around myself feeling the embarrassment hit me hard.
“No we can’t start again babe, we have too much between us to do that. But I would like to start off with the air cleared between us.” This perks me up a little but I stay silent and wait for him to continue.
“I woke up one morning and found out that my wife, my wife of three years, was pregnant. I found her positive test in the garbage. I was so damned excited. We hadn't really discussed kids but right in that moment I wanted nothing more.” He takes a long breath in then lets it out. “She got home that day and I waited for her to tell me. She always liked to be the one to give whatever big news or gossip. So I stayed quiet. The next day she still said nothing. So growing impatient I asked her.” He stops again and turns so he is facing away from me. “She told me she ‘couldn't have a fucking kid’ and said the test was at least a month old. She never was much of a housekeeper, garbage would stay in the can for days. Turns out while I was away for some damn convention she went and had an abortion.” Shit that’s why what I said to him hit such a chord.
“I'm such an ass for saying that, and I would never have done something like that to you.” He nods.
“I know, but then I was so pissed and wanted to take my past hurt out on someone. You happened to be that person. Unfair I know, but I was still in a bad place. I'm sure your friend Shane could attest to that.”
“What happened with you two?” I ask the dreaded question.
“You trying to find out if I had a thing for my step sister?” He laughs a little. “No, I didn't. It was just a drunken mistake, I have yet to make a mends with her for my stupidity. She really deserved more than that. I had just left Rachel, my ex, and when I got home I drowned myself in Bourbon. She just so happened to be there at the same time pissed off about something herself. You know the rest.”
“Is your divorce final yet?”
“Yes, has been for months now. She is actually sleeping with James, my brother.” Oh damn. The look I give him must say it all. “Yeah, it’s been for a while now, found out that day I was late for the barbecue. He is the reason I looked roughed up.” Shit.
“Everything good with you guys now?”
“Nope haven't talked to him since I knocked his lights out.” He smirks, still a cocky bastard. I really don't know what to say now, but I do know he is going to ask me about my shit. I just don't know if I can tell him everything.
“I can’t be with you if you are only half in.” He changes the topic back to us.
“I don't know if I can.”
“That’s bullshit babe, and you know it. You just don't want to be. What the hell could you have done in your past that you think would send me running?”
“I just can’t alright. I don't think that you need to know every damn detail about my past in order to be with me.” Now I'm pissed, he is being unreasonable.
“Fuck I don't need to know every detail, but you hold back. You hold back your feelings, your thoughts, shit you hold back on your dreams.”
“My dreams? Seriously?”
“Yes your dreams, you really want to be a teacher?” I nod my head yes and he scoffs.
“You do fucking not. Don't get me wrong you would be a great teacher. A wonderful one. But I know you. You want to help people like you did that day we saw that mother and her child. You helped them. That’s who you are babe.” I'm a little stunned I had no idea he thought that.
“Take me to shore please.” I can’t do it, I really thought I could. I thought I could tell him how I feel but something is stopping me. Holding me back from letting go.
“You’re shutting down babe. I will take you back to the dock but you just remember you don't get to come to me anymore. This was your chance if you have something to say. Say it.” He looks at me with that face. That face pleading with me to just say it.
“Take me back to shore please,” I say again, only hear him curse under his breath. When we get to shore I all but dive off the boat and run to the car. Tears streak my face and I have to stop on the side of the road from crying so hard. “Stupid stupid stupid,” I say hitting steering wheel with my hand over and over. I should have known I couldn't do it, tell him how I feel. Now I’ve fucked up again and it really is too late.
“Can I talk to you for a sec?” Shana is standing at my bedroom door with a look on her face that would have you thinking that she borrowed your favorite pair of heels and broke one. Only happened once, but that right there is the look she gave me.
“What’s up hun?” Setting down my laptop I give her my full attention. She has no idea I went and talked to Lee yesterday. For a moment I think that this is what this conversation is going to be about. I'm just not ready for it. But looking at her right now I doubt that’s what she wants to talk about.
Making a spot for her to sit on the bed she plops right down next to me. That’s when I notice she has something in her hand, a small stick. A small white stick that looks an awful lot like a… oh shit.
“So I found this out.” She says and h
ands me a pregnancy test that reads ‘pregnant’ on the small screen. I am so bewildered all I can do is gape at the stick in my hand. I am almost as shocked as I would be if the thing was mine.
“That’s a first. You have nothing to say?” Truer words have never been spoken.
“I’m just. How? When?” I stammer. Just a few words are all I can get out.
“Well the how I’m sure you know and the when is almost four months ago.” Shit seriously?
“Then who? When were you even seeing someone? Oh god did you try out a one night stand?” I can’t even believe she had sex.
“The who isn't important, the prick is out of the picture. That is if there is a picture. I’m telling you because I don't know what to do. I mean can I have a baby? Well I know I can but can I is what I’m asking. Should I? My mom sure shouldn't have and what if I’m just like her to this poor child? It doesn't deserve that, nobody does.”
“Don't think like that. There is no way you would turn out like your mom. You are a good person, and you would make a great mom. Hey…” I grab her hand and make her look up at me. “You will be okay, you and that baby because you have people. Me and Cris will be here for you. You know that right? Forever and always we are your persons.” I give her a reassuring smile and squeeze her hand.
“Only you would use a Grey’s analogy, dork.” This is so true, I can’t help it. It’s just what I do. It gets her to smile and that is all I was aiming for.
“So, tell me how this happened.” I settle back into the bed and get comfortable for the story about how I am going to become an auntie. She just rolls her eyes at me.
“Well, when a boy and a girl get really drunk they have sex. And if they are extremely drunk one or both of them tends to forget about protection.” I smack my forehead.
“No you shit, you know what the hell I mean. When? Why? Who? Defiantly the who.”
“I told you there isn't a who. He’s… he knows and first called me a liar and then said that if I was knocked up that it had better be gone within the week. I mean who says that? He is a complete tool and I shall never name the bastard as long as I live.” Well okay then.
“Enough said then. The tool is out of the picture. Well, what do you do next? Have you seen a doctor?” I am bombarding the girl with too many questions but hell she has dropped a bomb on me it is only fair.
“No, I’m still hoping I’m stuck in a nightmare and I will be waking up any minute now. Will you pinch me please, maybe slap me. Yeah, that will wake me up.”
“Oh stop it. Things may not seem like it now but this is going to be great. You are gonna have a baby Shane. A baby. It might not be how you planned it or who you planned it with but, a baby. Now let's call the doc and get you an appointment I want to know if I’m having a niece or a nephew.”
A week later we are sitting in the OBGYN’s office and Shana is getting her vagina scoped out by a middle-aged man with white hair and glasses. We finally get to the good part and he squirts that blue gel on her stomach so we can see the little peanut. When he touches the wand to her barely round stomach a loud static noise fills the room and he pulls the wand back off.
“So sorry about that, the last person must not have turned it down when they were done.” The doctor says while turning some knobs, then seems satisfied. “Alright, let's try this again shall we?” He says then puts the wand back to work. This time, the static is quiet and is quickly taken over my a whooshing sound.
“Baby’s heartbeat is strong, that’s good. Now let's take some measurements and find out a little more about your wee one.”
I take my eyes from the screen showing the grainy black and white thing that slightly resembles an alien baby and look over at Shana. She has tears in her eyes that haven't fallen yet and she is staring intently at the screen. I grab her hand to offer some support and that is all it takes for her tears to let go and fall.
“That’s my baby.” She says between sobs. “I'm having a baby.” She has the biggest smile on her face and it makes my heart so full to see her this happy.
“We are having a baby Shane. Cris and I will be with you, to help you every step of the way.” Every step of the way. Telling Cristal about the pregnancy was something else.
“Hey, Cris I have something to tell you,” Shana says during one of our many take out/Grey’s nights.
“Oh god, what did you do?” She asks skeptically. I don't blame her, last time Shana told her she had something to tell her it was that she had used one of her books to try her hand at origami, claiming she could find no other paper, but that is a story for another time I suppose.
“I'm pregnant!” She blurts out. There is silence for quite some time and the look on Cristal's face changes from shocked to excitement.
“Are you shitting me?” and she is cursing. “We are having a baby?” Seeing her like this is weird, she has been so quiet the last few years, I really do miss the girl she was before. We only get glimpses of her every now and again, but since she has been hanging out with Dez they have come more frequent. It really is a beautiful thing to see.
“Yes, my first appointment is tomorrow and I hope you can come.”
“Tomorrow? Crap what time?” she asks grabbing her phone and scrolling through it. Probably looking at her schedule.
“10:00.” Cristal is quiet for a moment.
“Crap, crap, I have a test at ten. I can’t.” She says, now pouting.
“We will get pictures for you then okay?” I tell her.
“Wait. You knew already didn't you?” She asks me and guilt takes over. I'm not sure why but both of them always seem to come to me first when they have something to talk about. Or a secret to tell. I always seem to go to Brinn.
“You bitches,” Cristal says. “Should have known.” She rolls her eyes. “Oh well, we are having a baby! And yes you had better bring me some pictures of my niece or nephew.”
“Well looks like we are looking at around seventeen weeks here due date around the twentieth of November. Let's get some pictures printed out for you shall we?.” The doctor says breaking into my thoughts. “Now it's too soon to tell the sex of the baby, we will have you schedule your twenty-week appointment on the way out. We will have a look see then. Take care now and congratulations.” He says with a warm smile then he wipes off the blue goo and is out the door.
Slinging my purse onto my shoulder I make my way out the door. When I get half way to the car I'm shocked to see Lee Standing in the middle of the sidewalk. Thought he was done with me after our last conversation. I'm really not too happy to see him.
“What do you want Lee? I thought that you were done with me.”
“I just want to talk Linn, please.” He says with a pleading look in his eyes. I’ve been haunted by his damn face every night and day since we broke up. Rick made it bearable but that’s all, bearable, and that is the only reason why I'm going to listen.
“Fine talk, but do it fast Rick is waiting for me.” He really isn't but I wanted to make the dig. I'm not sure if he knows Rick and I are together.
“Rick? I guess I did hear you two were together or something.” Or something?
“Been talking to Shane hmm?” Little meddling bitch, didn't think she liked him much.
“Just a little, asked about you. She reluctantly told me that you two were… seeing each other.” Oh, I love how he puts it that way. Insinuating that we are just fucking, well I guess we are but shit we are friends too. I just roll my eyes.
“You had something to say.” I make a continue gesture with my hand urging him to get on with whatever he is going to tell me. He takes a deep breath in.
“I miss you.” He starts with and I try to stop him right there because I can’t go through this again. I turn to walk away but he stops me with his hands on my arms with my back to his front.
“Please just hear me out. After you left the other day I realized I rather have you half in than not have you at all.” He says holding me tighter and pulling me closer. God, it feels s
o good to have his hands on me. Holding me close. I get lost in that feeling and melt into him for a moment. Then realize what I'm doing and jerk away. Caught off guard from my moment of surrender he loosens his grip and I’m able to break his hold. When I do I drop my purse and it falls to the ground spilling the contents out all over the sidewalk. Makeup, tampons, a couple quarters, my wallet, condoms, and two of Shana’s ultrasound pictures are now scattered on the cement. Crap. The first thing he sees is the strip of condoms and I hear him growl a little. Then his eyes zero in on the pictures, the look on his face turns murderous.
“I thought you were on the pill. Are you fucking pregnant? Fucking hell!” He steps back and then starts pacing. Kneeling down I start shoveling the contents of my purse back in and don't even bother to correct him. When I'm standing again he stops and looks at me. “Guess condoms don't work all this time do they?” He sneers at me. I just roll my eyes and hand him one of Shana’s ultrasound pictures then walk to my car. I really don't want to deal with him at the moment, even if at first he wanted to try and work things out between us. Before that happens I really do need to talk to Rick anyway. He deserves that much.
When I get to the car and inside, only then do I look his way. That is when I see the realization on his face that the name on the picture is Shana’s and not mine. I back the car out of the spot and leave for Rick’s place dreading the conversation we are about to have.
When I pull up to Rick’s house there is a pickup I don't recognize parked out front by the curb where I usually would park. So I park a couple spots down and walk to his door. He gave me a key a while back so I let myself in. For some reason, I try to be as quiet as I can. Slowly shutting the door I walk inside and listen. I hear voices coming from upstairs in Rick’s room.