Twilight of the Star Vampires (Set of Books 1-3):A Parody of the Twilight Saga, Star Wars and Star Trek

by Paula Sunsong

  Paddy melted in his arms.

  They hurried towards the nearest spaceport. Edward drove insanely fast in his shiny silver Vulvo hovercar with the tinted windows and sky roof. He parked next to a sleek starship.

  “This will take you back to your friends,” said Edward. Paddy winced at the words “friends” to describe Manikin, but did not argue with him. “And one more thing, during the heat of passion, I did not use, ah, protection.” Even though he was a vampire, he blushed. “A vampire’s sperm is very virulent. You may have become pregnant with a vampire child. They grow rapidly in the womb.”

  “Well, if I am pregnant, it will be our vampire love child,” said Paddy, her eyes misting over.

  “Oh, my love, we will be together again, in the future.” Edward’s keen eyes noticed a second jasmine flower in Paddy’s bra, from the roll through the meadow she took the previous day. “With your permission, I will take this to remember you by.”

  “Of course,” said Paddy. Edward gently removed the flower from Paddy’s cleavage. He brought it to his nose, closing his eyes and inhaling the jasmine scent.

  “I need something to remember you by.” She pulled out a pencil. “People chew on pencils. How about you bite this and leave fang marks?”

  “Um, okay.” He raised the pencil up to his mouth as if it was fine caviar on a cracker and bit it. The plastic mechanical pencil cracked.

  “Damn mechanical pencils!” said Paddy. “I wish I had a good old-fashioned wooden pencil.”

  “Never mind,” Edward pulled a beautiful onyx ring off his finger. “Keep this to remember me by.” He slid the ring onto Paddy’s finger.

  “It’s beautiful!” Paddy held it up to the light.

  “Not nearly as beautiful as you. But it is also practical. It has a spell on it. A locator spell. As long as you wear the ring, I can find you. If you rub the ring, and call for help, it will send an SOS to its matching ring, which I have.”

  They kissed tenderly. Then in a flash, Edward was gone.

  Paddy sighed, already missing Edward. She turned slowly and boarded the starship.

  “Where shall we go, my lady, to find your friends?” asked the pilot.

  “Look for the most smoke and chaos. They’ll be there.”

  “Spocko, did you smell that?” said Caius after they watched Paddy board the starship. Spocko and Caius were hiding in the spaceport cloaked inside a hologram of a crate. “That human had a delicious odor. Her blood must taste like the finest wine.”

  “Yes, it was appealing,” said Spocko, “but we must concentrate of catching Edward.”

  “Oh, Edward,” said Caius. “Who cares about Edward? I’m bored with chasing Edward. Let’s follow the female instead. I have not had blood like hers in ages.”

  “We don’t hunt and kill without reason.” Spocko kept his eyes on Edward’s movements.

  “I’ll only take a little sip.”

  “Edward is almost ours.”

  Edward raced towards his ship. The gangplank was down, and Edward hurried up it, happy to reach the safety of the interior. His servants would have prepared the ship for takeoff. It would only take moments to leave the planet.

  “Going somewhere?” A hand shot out, grabbing Edward’s shoulder and executing a Vulcan nerve pinch. Edward’s head snapped to the side, seeing Spocko, standing there with an almost smug smile on his Vullcan Vampire face. Edward crumpled to the floor.

  His hands clasped behind his back, Spocko towered over Edward. “You’ll never escape the Vulcanturi.”

  Chapter 12 The Most Advanced Technology You’ll Ever Pee On

  After reuniting with Obegone and Manikin, Paddy and the Jetti returned to the Capital Planet of the Republic. Obegone and Manikin lived with Paddy in her large suite, to guard her against further attacks, and to save on rent.

  Manikin tried to learn hypnosis to seduce Paddy. He did not succeed in hypnotizing Paddy, but did hypnotize himself into thinking he was irresistible. Dressed in his Jetti issued boxer shorts, he climbed into Paddy’s bed to surprise her. She surprised him with a knockout punch to the nose. He woke up later, in Paddy’s bed, his brain still confused, and mistakenly thought he had finally slept with Paddy.

  Manikin fist pumped into the air. “Yes, touchdown!”

  Heeding Edward’s warning about powerful vampire sperm, Paddy noticed her missed period and a growing swelling around her belly.

  “All this advanced technology, and I still have to pee on a stick,” grumbled Paddy as she entered her bathroom. After she was done, she looked down at the results.

  Paddy exited the bathroom and went into the living room. The Jetti and the robots, Seetoo and Aretoo were sitting on the couch watching “Lost in Space” reruns. Manikin had bought the robots from an ad in a comic book, after getting some of his money back for returning the dungeon equipment.

  Paddy stood there, a slightly dazed look on her face. In one hand she held a pregnancy tester, that was flashing “yes”.

  Aretoo whistled.

  “Time to shop for cribs!” cried Seetoo.

  “Oh, goodie, I’m going to be an uncle,” said Obegone.

  “I’m going to be a father,” cried Manikin half in glee and half in horror, which caused puzzled looks from the rest of the room.

  “I’m pregnant,” said Paddy to Manikin. “You have nothing to do with it.”

  Manikin jumped up. “Of course you want to be strong and independent, and do this on your own, but I’ll be there for the child to look up to.”

  Paddy, irritated, confused, and with pregnancy hormones churning away, glared at Manikin. “You make no sense.”

  “Can I do anything for you, Lady Paddymay?” said Seetoo. “Decorate the baby’s room perhaps?”

  “No, thank you.” Paddy didn’t want Seetoo to use his decorating skills anywhere in her sight. Seetoo had offered to decorate her bedroom. She ended up with orange shag carpeting—on the walls.

  After a round of congratulations, Paddy and Obegone went to their rooms to sleep. Seetoo perused baby furniture sites on the internet. Manikin went to his room to play video games.

  “Obegone, wake up!” Paddy was shaking Obegone by the shoulder. Obegone snorted and awoke.

  “What, what, are the Imperial troops attacking?”

  “No, I need pickles and ice cream.” Paddy rubbed her pregnant belly, “and fresh meat dripping in blood.”

  “Oh,” Obegone rolled over and started falling back asleep.

  “Obegone, wake up!”

  “Ask Manikin,” mumbled Obegone sleepily.

  “If I send Manikin, he’ll cut the cereal box display in half with a light saber, and come home with comic books instead of food.”

  Obegone could clearly imagine a grocery store floor covered in corn flakes and Chearios after Manikin had been there, so he got up, grabbed his bath robe which he had mistaken for his Jetti robes, and left.

  Obegone figured since he was already at the store buying food for Paddy’s cravings, he might as well fulfill his cravings for Poptarts. Near the front door was a monument that caught Obegone’s eye. Literally carved in stone, was “The customer is always right.” Obegone rubbed his chin and smiled. He would have Manikin carve in stone “Obegone is always right” ten times for each screw up Manikin did. It would take a lot of boulders.

  Nearby, an employee dressed in a cow suit, handed out coupons for milk.

  “We find it increases employee morale to wear the suit,” explained a cashier. “They have a better attitude afterwards.” The cashier rang up Obegone’s groceries--a half dozen boxes of Poptarts, 20 jars of pickles, 10 quarts of Ban and Gerald’s ice cream, and 14 pounds of blood sausages.

  “And one cow suit, with the plastic udders,” said Obegone. Manikin needed an attitude adjustment.

  Chapter 13 Prisoner of the Vulcanturi

  “So, Edward Cullet, after hundreds of years, you have finally decided to join us,” said Marcus leaning back in his throne like chair. Edward stood before Marcus, with
Spocko next to him. Vulcanturi guards lined the curving wall of the domed room. “You have led us on a long and not merry chase. So you have nothing to say? Tell me, what am I thinking?”

  Edward’s eyes looked up into Marcus’ eyes. Edward still did not speak.

  “Tell me just one of my thoughts, and I will grant you a favor.”

  Edward looked deeper into Marcus’ eyes. “You’re thinking how to double cross Spocko, before he double crosses you.”

  Marcus’ eyebrows shot upwards, then he laughed. Marcus was part Romullan and part Vullcan and still expressed his emotions. “Well that thought doesn’t take a telepath to perceive it. Still, I will grant you a favor.”

  “Please free me,” said Edward.

  “That is not a favor I will grant,” said Marcus. “We want you to love it here, and stay.”

  Spocko tired of Marcus’ sport of Edward. “Edward, I will train you in how to enhance your telepathy,” said Spocko. “We will start now. Come with me.” Spocko walked through an archway, with full expectations of Edward following.

  Edward looked at the ring of large vampire guards and decided to follow Spocko instead of staying in Marcus’ throne room.

  Spocko walked down a long carpeted hallway lined with paintings and statues. Some looked like original paintings from famous artists. Edward spotted paintings by Da Vinci, Rubens, and Georgia O’Keefe.

  “The Vulcanturi are a sophisticated people,” said Spocko noticing Edward looking at the paintings. “We collect art, savor music, and study philosophy. We have had hundreds of years to collect the best. It is one of the advantages of a long life.” They passed through a thick, carved wooden door. Inside was a large room, filled with shelves holding books, a lyre, and more objects of art, some by Vulcan artists.

  “This is my own sanctuary. We will be able to concentrate here,” said Spocko. “Sit.” He indicated a chair facing an abstract sculpture.

  Edward sat down, carefully watching Spocko, and looking for surveillance cameras. He must escape as soon as possible. He missed Paddy. Where was she? Was she okay? Could he find her? Should he find her, or would that put her in danger from the Vulcanturi? Edward touched his matching onyx ring, which had a magic link to Paddy’s ring. If she was in danger, and called to him, her ring would signal his ring.

  Hands behind his back, and a poker face expression, Spocko examined Edward.

  “Gaze upon the statue. Contemplate its geometry,” said Spocko. “Let you eyes follow the lines. Let you mind flow like the lines flow into one another.”

  “Why?”

  “To focus the mind for telepathy.”

  “No, not that, Spocko. Why are you with the Vulcanturi?”

  Spocko stiffened. “It is logical for the strong to form an alliance. The powers of each Vulcanturi are enhanced by the other’s talents. Together we are more than apart. We are a Gestalt. We are a powerful alliance.”

  “To accomplish what?” said Edward. “The other Vulcanturi are decadent and corrupt.”

  There was a slight wavering in Spocko’s poker face. “There may be a need for more guidance, and more focus on worthy goals. I hunted you all these years not just because of your telepathy talents. Your personality would balance Marcus, Caius…and me.”

  “I didn’t realize that,” said Edward slowly. “I try to be amiable and level headed.”

  “You are more amiable and sensible than Marcus,” said Spocko.

  “Marcus is part Romullan. They are a moody race.”

  “Yes, Romullans can be impulsive at times. The Vulcanturi are made up of more than Vampire Vullcans. We collect those that are exceptional and useful.”

  Edward contemplated Spocko. Behind Spocko’s mask, Edward sensed loneliness. The company of Caius, Marcus or cold Vampire Vullcans must be unfulfilling. Even Vullcans had feelings, however suppressed. How long is had been since Spocko had experience Pawn Far, the Vullcan drive to mate? Who would attract a Vullcan Vampire like Spocko--an intellectual, an Amazon warrior, a great musician or a priestess? Vullcans chose spouses with logic. While in Pawn Far lust, Vullcans forgot logic. While in lust, many people forgot not only logic but basic common sense.

  “How did you become a vampire?” said Edward softly.

  “It was…an honor given me by a Vulcanturi high priestess.”

  “Were you in love with her?”

  “Vullcans do not love.”

  “But you are half human, Spocko. Wasn’t there ever a time when you were close to a woman?”

  Spocko raised one eyebrow. “When I had a conventional career, I was a science officer for the Confederation. My ship, the Enterprise, was sent to assist a colony on Omicron Ceti III, a colony being bombarded with Burthold rays. We expected to find the colony destroyed by the radiation.”

  “It wasn’t?”

  “No, all colonists were alive and in excellent health.”

  “How did they escape the Burthold radiation?”

  Spocko’s eyes seem to deepen in color. “I met an old acquaintance of mine, Leila Calomi.” Spocko’s lips seem to soften slightly, the tension decreased. “Six years earlier, we had met.”

  Pawn Far is every seven years, thought Edward. Leila may have been Spocko’s Pawn Far lover.

  “Leila said she would explain how the colonists survived the radiation. She led me to a meadow.”

  Edward thought of Paddy rolling through the jasmine, and coming to a stop at his feet in a meadow. Meadows were romantic places.

  “Leila stood me before alien flowers,” said Spocko. “‘This is the place,’ she said. ‘The place for what?’ I inquired. Then the flowers exploded, shooting spores, into my face and body.”

  Edward looked confused. “Flower spores?”

  “For a moment, I was blinded, then there was pain.” Spocko saw himself that day, on his knees from the pain. “Then I felt giddiness, what you humans would call joy. Even though I have always been in excellent health, the spores gave me superhuman health. But there were side effects, I became, more...human, with humanlike feelings.”

  “How could that be?”

  “The spores infected me with the bliss virus.”

  “What happened with Leila?”

  A flicker of emotion ran across Spocko’s face, which he quickly suppressed. “We must return to your studies,” said Spocko. “Now contemplate the sculpture.”

  Chapter 14 Dark Angelos

  “Congratulations are in order, I hear,” said Senator Palpitate. He sat in Paddy’s living room and drank tea, the delicate china cup looking doll like in Palpitate’s large hands. “I came to visit as soon as I heard the good news. So when are you due?” Palpitate eyed Paddy’s well-rounded stomach. His eyes widened at how big she had grown since the last time he had seen her, but he kept his diplomatic mouth shut instead of pointing it out.

  “Soon,” said Paddy, affectionately running her hands over her belly. It had grown bigger even since this morning. The doctor was not sure when she was due, as Paddy’s pregnancy was extraordinary, being a vampire pregnancy.

  “And you are the new Jetti apprentice,” said Palpitate, beaming at Manikin. “I have watched your rising career with interest.”

  “I have a rising career?” said Manikin. He stood next to the sugar bowl, tossing sugar cubes into the air and trying to catch them with his mouth.

  “Of course, everyone is talking about the talented new Jetti apprentice,” said Palpitate smiling widely.

  Manikin stopped trying to catch sugar cubes and one bounced off his head. “Of course they are talking about me! See I told you, Paddy.”

  “Yes, people do talk about you,” said Paddy in clipped tones.

  “Manikin, I must take you to the opera and introduce you to my friends,” said Palpitate. “You should meet the movers and shakers of this galaxy.”

  “I know movers,” said Manikin. “My mom told me I might become one, so I could afford my own place. That was before she left for good.”

  “Ohhh, well mothers are always think
ing of their sons’ careers.” Palpitate arose. “I have tickets for the opera tomorrow night. I will send my hover limousine to pick you up.”

  The next evening, Palpitate sent Manikin a stretch hover limousine to pick him up for the opera. After hanging out the sky roof and hooting at girls, Manikin arrived at the theatre. He joined Senator Palpitate in his box seat.

  “Welcome Manikin,” said Palpitate. “Have a seat. The production is about to start.“ In the middle of the theatre were giant bubbles, with fish like creatures swimming in mid air to the sound of monks chanting.

  After a few minutes of watching the fish creatures, Palpitate turned to Manikin. “Have you heard the story of Dark Angelos?”

  “No, is there a popup book about it?” asked Manikin.

  “No, Manikin.”

  “Is it a video game?”

  “No, he was a real person. Dark Angelos learned to control the farce to such a degree he could prevent death.”

  “Could he fly? I think that’s cool.”

  “Yes he could fly. But back to the preventing death part…”

  “I want to be able to fly.”

  Palpitate gritted his teeth and tried to smile. “Dark Angelos wanted to save the ones he loved from death, like you Manikin.”

  “I do?”

  “Yes.”

  Manikin went back to looking at fish fly. “I don’t get this show.”

  “Aren’t you afraid of losing your mother?” said Palpitate putting a fatherly hand on Manikin’s shoulder.

  “Why? Did she go somewhere?”

  “No, I mean lose her, as in her passing away.”

  “She went away already, to the Sand People.’

  Palpitate decided to try a different tactic. “The Jetti council doesn’t trust you, Manikin. They can see the future, and know you will be the most powerful Jetti ever. You must cut through the fog of their lies.”