by Jay Smith
In this case, Lord BUS said, "Welcome to my realm, Mr. Winston. I hope you survive the experience."
I smiled and displayed humble thanks, responding, "Seriously? Did you just lay a classic X-Men reference on me?"
He pulled away and planted both hands on my shoulders like a father welcoming a son to the grown-up table with his first beer. Much has been written about Alan Horus and his almost superhuman charisma. In that moment, I felt the warmth and light of those thousands filtering through him like a prism, shining over me as though their love for him was love for me. His sympathetic smile made me feel like he had been where I stood and that he felt my pain, whatever it was. It reminded me of the last time my father looked me in the eyes before he died. I saw the love, but also countless secrets buried underneath.
With that, the entire stadium erupted in applause and cheers. A single, bright spot lingered on me as Lord BUS stepped away followed by his own, brighter light. As he continued his address, my spot faded away and I was left like the rest of his court in darkness.
~
Dinner served, I thought to check my Magic Book. Messages filled the first page.
"WHY AREN'T YOU USING YOUR BOOK?! I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU!"
"DON'T LAUGH WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN. PICTURES WILL BE TAKEN."
"RODERICK IS AWESOME. BUT DON'T SAY TOO MUCH. XPLAIN LTRS."
"GIRL HERE NAMED DIABOLIQ WANTS AN INTRODUCTION. PROBABLY HAS CROTCH BUGS, BUT NIECE OF BIG LAND OWNER. STOP DOWN AFTER DINNER."
"EST. FIVE MINUTES TO BUS ARRIVAL. HOLD ON TO YOUR ASS. IT IS ABOUT TO GET LOUD."
"JESUS, I HOPE YOU'RE GETTING THESE MESSAGES. JUST TOLD HE'S GOING TO CALL YOU OUT IN HIS ADDRESS."
"MILORD, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT HUG ABOUT?! WHAT DID HE SAY?!"
"HOLY SHIT. IF YOU CAN'T GET LAID TONIGHT, GIVE UP."
"W – ARE YOU EVEN CHEWING YOUR FOOD? SLOW DOWN."
"REMEMBER, LET BUS ENGAGE YOU. DON'T ENGAGE FIRST. IS BAD FORM."
"OH SHIT, YOU DID JUST WHAT I SAID NOT TO. ~FML."
"I GUESS IF HE HUGGED YOU IN FRONT OF 4K PEOPLE ALL BETS ARE OFF. I'LL TRY NOT TO WORRY ABOUT A TANTRUM FROM HUAN AFTER DESSERT."
"DIABOLIQ IS PUSHY. AVOID TOUCHING HER WITH YOUR PENIS BUT HUGS MIGHT GO A LONG WAY WITH HER DADDY."
"EIGHT MEETING REQUESTS SO FAR. A DOZEN PHOTO-OPS. MAYBE I'LL GET TO EAT SOME TIME. "
I didn't expect two skinny men in plastic thrift shop armor to be preferable to angry Celt rock, but damned if I didn't smile as they stepped onstage and lead the crowd in a rousing a Capella Ride of the Valkyries. The garbled, distant introduction didn't help. I referred to my Magic Book which listed the event as "SET BREAK ENTERTAINMENT"
A tepid round of applause broke through the rumble of conversations throughout the stadium. The next item on the program was marked simply "SENTENCINGS".
Over the loudspeaker, someone asked "Lord of Lords and Members of the Court: will you hear pleas from your prisoners this evening?"
The crowd howled in the affirmative and diners rang the side of their glassware with utensils. They wanted blood and shame slathered over their bread and circus.
Lord BUS bellowed. "We will hear, but only the most heinous."
The crowd cheered as a platform emerged from under the bandstand. Black monks parted the crowd from a wide main corridor as the platform rolled across the stadium under the power of four stagehands dressed in black to stay hidden. A heavy spotlight followed the platform to a spot a hundred feet from the Court. It stood high enough to be level with our stage.
Two Reptillus in full make-up and military dress stood in chains locked to a metal loop on the floor of the platform. The harsh, white light reminded me of Zod and Company standing trial on Krypton.
"My Lord Bunting-upon-Stropf, Beacon of Justice and protector of the realm: Submitted for your mercy are General Asq of the Serpent Corps and his wife, Qixji Nor."
I didn't recognize them in full make-up. The mention of their names made me quite nervous.
The bailiff continued, "They are guilty of intent to assassinate a courtier, assault of a courtier, creating a diplomatic incident, inciting civil unrest, destruction of property, fleeing the Royal Guardsmen, assaulting the Royal Guardsmen, ignoring a lawful order of the Royal Guardsman, poisoning of a Royal Guardsman … and shoplifting."
Lord BUS looked to General Asq. "General! We've met here before, have we not? I have not met this bride before. She is young."
Asq knew how to project on a stage and the thick prosthetic skull was no match for his ability to chew through the scene. "Spare me, wizard! I do not recognize your authority. Release me here and now or invite WAR."
The boldness of the heel brought the room to a loud, frothy bout of hatred. This wasn't a lap dog barking at a stone statue, this was a man with some power behind his performance; a tiny man with a big voice and an empty box of fucks.
Lord BUS seemed pleased with the exchange and the crowd was eating it up. Qixji Nor looked slightly less than terrified standing with her hands clasped in front of her staring at the floor. Asq puffed up his chest and glared like an actor waiting on the next line.
"What do you think, Lord Wynncase?" Lord BUS turned to me and, with him, the attention of the entire stadium. I can't describe the experience except to compare it to what I imagine it would be to suddenly have your pants fall down on the fifty-yard line during the Super Bowl. The question of "how the hell did I get here" wrestles for dominance against the notion of "get me the hell out of here."
He continued, "It occurs to me that you are the aggrieved party here. You nearly lost your life here confronting this clearly superior warrior, unarmed no less. I give YOU the power he once had over you."
Asq roared, "That's the coward's way, isn't it, human? Give the hard decisions to someone else. Let them do your dirty work?"
Qixji and Asq were pelted with wads of paper, napkins and other light paper refuse. I expected food and drink to come next. I didn't have time to consider it. Their thirst for blood was hard to deny. General Asq didn't help his own case.
Lord BUS looked to me for the next line.
"General," I said and stopped as my voice roared across the stadium. It startled me to hear my own words backed by such power. I didn't like the way it came across, so when Asq turned his beady little lizard eyes on me, I tried to go lower and slower. "My dear friend Lord Parque was a great warrior."
The crowd cheered for a straight minute, giving me time to work out the next line. I was ready when the sound began to ebb. "You must not be as important as you thought if a great man like him never fought or aspired to fight the likes of you. You are a small man, General."
"My status as a Lord is immaterial. To attack any unarmed citizen on the streets of this city makes you little more than a hatchling, a thug, and I will not have that thug walk free among the innocent people of this city or enjoy the protection of this Realm."
The crowd cheered again. Camera phone flashes sparkled across the black for a few seconds as well.
Asq snarled. "Brave words. I demand a trial by combat!"
The crowd booed this. More paper appeared from the darkness. Qixji was starting to look overwhelmed by the experience though I expect it was in character.
"I would just beat you again," I dismissed him to cheers.
Asq pulled at his chains, struggling like an animal. "There is no justice here for my kind. I demand justice – HERE or in DEATH."
More jeers, more debris in the air, and more camera flashes. Blood was in the water. The cries of "DEATH!" and "Kill the lizard!" made its way through the roar. The eyes of the stage were on me, especially Lord BUS who looked like he was waiting for me to deliver the next line in the script. So I did.
"You know what, Lizardo? Just…shut up."
No seven words I'd ever spoken up to that point had as much of an immediate and powerful impact as those. The entire stadium roared and then cheered for a full minute. The hooded guards had to surround the raised platform to stop the crowd
from throwing the contents of their wine goblets and water glasses at the condemned. Through it all, Asq never once considered the woman standing next to him even as she withered under the weight of this assault. She was clearly not meant for this level of scrutiny. At the time, however, I didn't really consider it.
The sound of his voice quieted the crowd. "Lord Wynncase, the penalty for these charges for both condemned is grave. The most severe is the attempt on a member of this court. The recommended punishment is death, unless you wish to petition me for a pardon and show these two mercy."
Asq, clearly anxious to move the scene along and escape the growing ire of the crowd, barked, "If the choice is yours, little lord, let me explain something more important to your immediate future. The Serpent Corps. consists of ten thousand elite warriors who live for the taste of human blood. If you assassinate me, you will bring blood to this city. You will bring death and sorrow in the night at the blade of the Corps. Are you prepared for this?"
The stadium exploded with cheers to bring it on. I waited a moment so I could hear myself and continued, "If someone like you can ascend to the rank of General, I don't fear those you lead. If those under you possess a sense of honor, they will not weep over the corpse we deliver back to your capital. You will be worth more as meat than man. Well…lizard."
Roderick laughed. "Holy hell, Shakespeare…"
The crowd went insane with a mix of excitement and condemnation.
"Lord Wynncase?" Lord BUS called the attention of the crowd back to the main table.
"I see." I tapped a few words into my Book and pretended to consider my options to draw out the suspense and, more importantly, annoy the General. Meanwhile, Asq launched into his best Terrence Stamp tantrum, threatening that I alone would be responsible for my decision and the ruin it would bring to Aeternus. I pretended not to hear.
An online poll showed 87% of the Realm Online expected me to execute both of them, up to 95% when just considering those in the room.
I sat up straight. "General Asq. As you have faded from brilliant General to street thug, I grant you the death you deserve."
A collective gasp rose from within the cheering, creating a mix of excitement and confusion all around me. My fellow Lords and Ladies exchanged looks of horror like I was about as far off-script as anyone dared. The exception was Roderick who looked as thrilled and amused. The servants table down below fixed me with a combination of amusement and intrigue, like I was the drunk guy taking the stage to sing Bohemian Rhapsody at karaoke night. Among them sat Ezrin tapping furiously into her Book while staring blankly up at me.
"So be it," the Lord of Lords declared with a solemnity in his voice. He lowered his head. Asq Dhole and Qixji Nor said nothing, their prosthetic faces frozen in what might have been astonishment or rage. Their platform retracted toward the musical stage and the prisoners were forgotten in the sudden storm of techno music. The crowd moved on to the next shiny thing, but from the looks of shock around me I knew whatever just happened was going to be talked about for a long time.
~
The party was going to continue to hours more, but Lord BUS had other matters to attend and he made his grand exit to cheers and fanfare about fifteen minutes after I condemned my first player character to death.
After five courses of rich food in large portions, including a dessert that looked like it would make Willy Wonka puke all that remained was a small group of young people in black robes who kept our mugs and goblets full. Because of the arrangement of settings, Roderick was the only other courtier in earshot but he was too drunk to speak.
Lord Woe stepped over and, with his back to the audience, grinned ear to ear. "Jesus Christ, man. Eager to make enemies, are you?"
I smiled despite being nervous. "Why? What for?"
He considered my reply and understood that I acted out of ignorance not arrogance. "I will say…I am, um, very surprised by your bold move to execute General Asq and his bride tonight."
"I don't know how bold it was. It just seemed to follow the course of the story."
"Well, actually - it is customary to pardon your first assassin."
"I didn't get that script note. Seriously?"
Roderick roared with laughter at both of us and Lord Woe took a step toward the Aelf Queen.
"Good luck, man," he offered as he stepped away.
Ezrin caught my attention from the edge of the stage. "Check your fucking Book," she mouthed at me as if she'd rather be shouting.
~
I excused myself to use the privy behind the stage. The corridor was dark and empty, ringing with the noise of the arena and a fun house of strobing lights and creeping fog. The other end led to a "green room" for courtiers and performers taking a break from the event with a soft light serving as a beacon. The only constant light was a line of small LEDs along the floor to guide someone along the length.
Just as I emerged from the most elaborate steampunk-themed portable toilet I'd ever seen, someone grabbed me and threw me into a cinderblock wall.
General Asq Dhole - now just Albert Gilman without his rubber hands and mask - was a sweaty, middle-aged man in a soaking t-shirt with rage in his racoon-shaded eyes. "What. The. Fuck. Did. You. DO?!"
I pushed back, but he had the leverage and brought his forearm against my throat. "You fucking KILLED US! KILLED US! WHY!?"
His screams weren't enough to overcome the roar of the crowd funneling down the corridor from outside. A popular band had just launched into its first number and I could only hear. He kneed me in the stomach and I fell over. I landed on my wrists, barely avoiding shattering an eye socket on the concrete floor but the electric shock up my arm made them useless for a moment.
Gilman dropped to his kneed beside me and screamed into my ear. "EIGHT YEARS! I've been playing for EIGHT FUCKING YEARS. You took it all away. I'll fucking KILL YOU!"
He stood up and I turned over on my back to see what he would do next, smacking my head on the wall hard enough to see stars. He went to kick me in the ribs and as soon as his foot left the floor, I drove my heel into his opposite knee, sending him off balance just as his leg swung forward. The momentum took his upper half backward and his knee buckled, bringing him down hard on the floor. Because my hands and wrist were just burning candle wicks, my two options were to stagger toward the green room for help or charge Gilman to slap fight him with my useless flippers. He started to roll left to right and I made it to my knees before he could prop himself up on his elbows. The fall took some of the fight out of him. Green make-up ran down his cheeks. He looked like a clown who just lost his job at the carny.
"What the fuck is wrong with you," I shouted, shaking feeling back into my hands. "It's just a game, right? You can respawn tomorrow!"
I couldn't make out what he said in reply, but it sounded like the whimper of an injured animal. He struggled to sit up more and I got to my feet. A shape appeared in the Green Room doorway a dozen yards down the hall. I thought it might be Qixji Nor looking for her own pound of flesh, but the unmistakable shape was Ezrin's.
Gilman struggled to his feet, out of breath and babbling into the maelstrom of sound around us. He took a swing which was about a foot away from anything it wanted to hit, then charged toward me. Ezrin broke into a run but I was able to sidestep Gilman who put himself into a long, painful-looking dive off one wall and back to the floor where he stayed, shaking and pounding his fists against the concrete.
~
Security arrived moments later to take Gilman to the infirmary and apologize for missing it like a man who put the housecat in the washing machine by accident. Ezrin walked me to the Green Room (not really green but more like a dormitory common area made of cinderblocks and cheap industrial furniture) and explained.
Ezrin pinched the bridge of her nose and held out a hand toward me to stand back like her head might pop. "When he dies, all his possessions go to the court. That includes property, cash, objects, notes…personal and public. By executing him, you threw h
im out of the game and flushed – I dunno - maybe about ten grand." Ezrin let that sink in. "He's on a plane back to Tallahassee dead broke. He can never come back to where he was. Neither can Qixji. The best they can do is open a new online game account and start over at Level One. So yeah…there are consequences."
"You texted me a dozen times, Ezrin. You said nothing about this."
"Huan should have."
We looked at each other long enough to the point of this exercise to sink in. "Fuck."
~
Mal Rees, Ambassador to the Undermines of Aeternus – their version of dwarves – stood about four-seven. She wore leather armor with silver leaf, long black hair tied back in a series of silver rings. When she approached, she did so with caution like a stray dog fighting its fear of a stranger in the hope of finding food. Mal's pictures depicted her with a full beard but in person her cheeks were bare. When she spoke, it was in a clipped baritone with an accent resembling drunk Russian.
"You're coming to the Undermine, yes? My guest, yes?" Her one bright blue eye issued a dare.
"Sure," I answered. "When?"
"Is the festival. Come soon, yes?"
I had no idea, but my book would tell me. "I'd love to."
She bowed deep and bounded back to the Aelf Ambassador. She and Mal shared whispers and flashed me the looks I remember from middle school when I said something just a little too nerdly.
Roderick belched loud and long. "Better," he said.
"I think I'm partied out."
"This isn't our party. Ours begins -- in a few minutes. If I can -- walk. If not, I'll be little late but arrive -- in a wagon."
Lord Roderick emptied his goblet and winked at me. It was a statement lost in the roar of the night, just another knowing statement to the new guy. After a while they all sounded like "Just you wait, new guy."