by Kim Cano
•••••
While clearing the table after dinner, I decided to mention the upcoming outing.
“I’m going to the Botanic Garden this Sunday with my new friend from the health club.”
Tension instantly filled the room. Was it real or only in my imagination? I turned to find my mom studying me.
“Justin’s old customer?” she asked, the look on her face suspicious.
“Yeah,” I replied. I looked away and set a dish in the sink.
“That sounds like fun Mom,” Tyler said, then he went on to tell me about a fight someone had gotten into at school. Over another little girl, no less.
I listened to his story and as I did, Mom gave me her “I feel left out” face, which I pretended not to see. I couldn’t tell her anything about Sabrina, not until the time was right.
“Should we walk to Redbox and rent a new release?” Tyler suggested, now done with his tale.
I wouldn’t mind skipping our workout. I wasn’t in the mood. But I noted the walking part, and realized we’d still be exercising. Somehow I’d gotten scammed. “Okay,” I agreed.
“You two go,” Mom said. “I’m too full.”
As I finished drying the dishes, I noticed Mom was pouting. Why did she have to act like this? Did she expect me to tell her every little detail of my life? I felt bad hiding this from her, but that was just how it had to be for now.
“Is there a particular movie you want to see?” I asked.
“No. I’m going to read my novel tonight. Pick out whatever you like.”
“Are you sure?” There was no budging her out of this mode. I knew that, but asked anyway.
“I’m sure,” she replied. “Oh, and I’m not busy Sunday if you want me to watch Tyler while you visit your friend.”
Now I felt even more awful. I hadn’t even asked her if she was free.
I was a terrible daughter.
I finished the last dish and watched my mom disappear to her room. Eventually I’d be honest with her. But not yet.
Tyler had to go to the bathroom before we went to rent the movie, so I plopped onto the couch to give my food a chance to digest. With my eyes closed, I began thinking about the author on the radio. Were men really healthier than women when it came to love? If I’d been the one who died, would Justin have been dating someone else by now? Or be re-married? The thought was so alien I could barely wrap my mind around it.
And what about Sabrina? Why didn’t she get hitched again? She was still young and beautiful. Wealthy, too. She could have anyone she wanted. What the hell was her problem? I continued analyzing her, because it was much easier than trying to analyze myself.
“Hey Mom,” Tyler said, interrupting my mental jabbering. “I’m ready to go.”
I wasn’t, but I pushed myself up and off the sofa. Then we both put on light jackets and headed to the store.
“So T., How was this week’s lesson with Josephine? You know, the one I slept through.”
He laughed. “It was good. I told her about us getting a dog soon, and she was excited for us. You know what? I think when I grow up, I might become a teacher.”
I liked this. He was more the normal Tyler today, chatting me up, jumping from topic to topic. I was surprised, though. I hadn’t realized he’d thought much about his future.
“Planning that far ahead already?”
“No,” he said. “But Josephine asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up, so I thought about it.”
“So is that your only interest?”
As we walked he gave it some thought. “No. I’d like to be an artist. That’s what I said first. Then I told her I’d like to be a teacher, like her.”
I looked down at him and grinned. He had charisma. “You’ve got plenty of time to do both,” I assured him.
Once we got to Redbox, Tyler picked out Kung Fu Panda 2. We watched it together when we got home. Mom stayed in her room, true to form. She was an expert martyr.
•••••
Saturday flew by. Tyler and I played Checkers and exercised. I even posed for a portrait. Then we looked through dog books, narrowing it down to his top three favorites: pug, boxer, and Pomeranian.
I knew we’d get a dog from animal control. I doubted he’d be purebred, but you never know. I figured a little research couldn’t hurt. And slowly, my mom became a little more involved in the process again, getting Tyler’s opinion on breeds and asking him questions.
Sunday morning I woke up and made breakfast for everyone. Tyler was going to spend the day with his friend, Sam. They were going to watch Sam’s older brother practice some new sport called parkour.
“It’s so cool, Mom,” Tyler said. “We saw him doing some of it. He runs, he flips, and you’re not going to believe it. He can climb walls like a ninja!”
“And you’re going to watch or participate?”
“I’m going to watch, but Sam said he could show us some beginner moves.”
His eyes pleaded with me not to shoot this down. I didn’t want to say no, and frankly, it made sense he’d eventually outgrow exercising with me and his grandma.
“Okay,” I said. “Just be careful.”
He looked at me like I was nuts, like he was born careful. “I will,” he replied.
Mom took Tyler to Sam’s, and I mapped out how to get to the mall in Northbrook. It was halfway between my house and Sabrina’s. After showering and getting ready, I realized it would be polite to wear one of the new outfits she had given me.
On the way to the mall I stopped and picked up sandwiches and bottled water. I had decided Corner Bakery would be much better than bologna and yellow mustard on white bread. I didn’t want Sabrina to find out I was a plain Jane in the kitchen too.
I found Red Door Spa and waited outside. Some very put together ladies were going in and out. Then, just after noon, I saw Sabrina.
“Hey Amy. You look fabulous.”
“Thanks,” I replied. “I wore this to work last week, too. Lots of compliments. My co-worker looked at the tag and asked me about it. I don’t know why, but I told her it was from Target. Sorry about that. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
Why was I talking about this? I wondered. When I was nervous complete bumbling took me over.
“Actually, that’s not a bad thought. Lots of big name designers are partnering with them.”
Great. Now I was giving her ideas to add to her vast fortune. I had to stop blabbering and stay focused.
“Where did you park?” she asked.
“In the upper-level Macy’s lot.”
“I’m there too.”
We walked through the store and out to the cars. She pressed a button to turn off her alarm, then we got into her two door silver Mercedes. It wasn’t the same car I’d seen her in before, the one Henry drove her around in. I wondered what he was up to today. Then I stopped myself. Focus Amy.
Sabrina pulled out of the mall and we drove a few short blocks, arriving at our destination. We hadn’t even made meaningless small talk along the way. She slowed to greet the entrance attendant, who waved us through after seeing the member sticker on her windshield.
After we walked in, Sabrina eyed the Corner Bakery bag. “There are tables right here if you want to eat first.”
I nodded. We found a spot and I unpacked the sandwiches and handed one to her, along with a bottle of water. We sat in awkward silence, eating our food.
I was doing a lot of thinking, that was my deal. But I didn’t know what she was up to. It definitely felt like a mental showdown, though. Maybe she didn’t want to say the wrong thing and have me lose it again. I was keeping quiet and chewing, trying to figure out the best way to maneuver our upcoming conversation to my advantage.
“We’re lucky,” she blurted out. “It’s a sunny day. My favorite way to see this place.”
The weather was a safe enough topic.
“I’ve never been here,” I admitted. This was a major Chicago attraction, and I’d lived here all
my life. I wondered how Justin and I could’ve missed it.
“I come here often,” she said. “Every season it’s different. Sometimes it can even change from day to day.”
“How’s that?” I asked.
“How can I describe it,” she said, mulling it over. “Well for example the same garden will transform from one look in the sunlight to a completely different place in the rain.”
Sabrina gazed around as she spoke, an intense expression coming over her face. She seemed to be remembering other visits here, memories that weren’t easily hidden behind a placid exterior.
So she wasn’t always one hundred percent poised and in control after all. She had little breaks from time to time, too. Or maybe our visits were wearing her down.
“Seems like the perfect place to spend a day,” I said.
I had decided I would remain calm and avoid rambling on about nonsense the way I often do. I wanted to get her to talk more. That was the only way to get somewhere in this odd situation.
We finished eating, then Sabrina got up and led the way, beginning our garden tour. I noticed other people were using maps to find their way around. She didn’t appear to need one.
“So you’re a member here, huh?” I asked.
A sly smile crossed her face as we walked. “Yeah. Me and the Botanic go way back.”
I kept pace next to her, wondering what she meant.
“My mom was on the board of directors here when I was a kid,” she explained. “My sister and I would come along when she had a meeting sometimes. We’d run and play hide and seek in the English Walled Garden.”
“That sounds like fun,” I said. I meant it, too. I was an only child and had often dreamed of what it might be like to have siblings to play with.
“It was more than fun,” Sabrina said. “It was magic, you know?”
As I looked to my right I noticed the way the sun glinted off the lake and cast a warm glow on the surrounding plants. A fountain in its center shot water into the air, sending spray out in a 360-degree radius. Ducks quacked happily in the background, and then, in the next moment Sabrina and I walked under a leafy trellis, emerging into another beautiful spot.
This place was magic.
She continued. “When you’re small, it’s larger than life here. It’s like a whole new world. My sister and I would really get into it. We’d talk with fake English accents. We’d pretend we were running from dragons.”
Sabrina laughed out loud, reliving a memory, then clapped her hands together.
“Sounds like good times,” I said.
“Yeah. They were some of the best.”
I had wanted her to talk more, and she was doing just that. She was even sharing personal things about herself. But somehow, I felt guilty. While I was listening to her and enjoying it, I had this ugly interior motive, and it felt wrong. Could I just let go of my worry? My fears about her relationship with Justin? I wanted to, I really did. It would have been so nice to just enjoy her friendship. But something continued to nag at me, and I couldn’t let it go. Just because she was interesting didn’t mean she was good. Still it was difficult to reconcile the two conflicting feelings.
“We’re coming up on the Enabling Garden,” she said. “It’s one of the nicest.”
So far she’d been a great guide. She let us walk and talk and take it all in without going on and on about every single flower. I was thankful she wasn’t spewing their Latin names.
“Isn’t it great?” she said. “Notice the layout.”
I looked around. It was pretty, but I didn’t see anything unique in its design.
“It’s laid out so anyone can work and plant in it, even if they’re confined to a wheelchair.”
I took a second, closer look. Now I could see what she meant. The flowers and plants were at hip level. There were pots hanging from the wall, all within reach.
“It’s amazing,” I said.
“It’s a lot of work, but what I love about it is how it shows anything is possible despite one’s limitations.”
I listened to the way she spoke. It was how successful people talked. I remember Justin always saying things like that. From attempting a stunt on his skateboard as a teenager, until he was in the hospital fighting cancer, telling me not to worry, he had this beat. He never let doctors quote him outcomes in percentages based on past success. He just knew his surgeries and treatments would work. I had a hard time understanding how he could be so positive.
“So far this is my favorite garden,” I told her. “Which one is your favorite?”
Sabrina’s pace slowed while she considered my question.
“I don’t know,” she responded, looking perplexed. “Each one has its own special meaning for me. The whole place reminds me of my mom. I still really miss her.” She paused then said, “The English Garden takes me back to simpler times, to being a kid. But I think right now I enjoy the Japanese Garden most. I use it as a place of quiet reflection.”
We continued walking, taking in the contrasting yet complimentary colors in the landscape around us. Part of me wished I could get inside that brain of hers and see what she was thinking, remembering, but part of me was just enjoying her company. And who couldn’t help but fall in love with this place? I felt like I had been transported to another country. Everywhere I looked there was one display of flowers more beautiful than the last.
Sabrina stopped walking. “Here’s another spot that has meaning for me,” she said.
I looked around. All I saw was a lake surrounded by a concrete area with tables and chairs. It seemed like no big deal so I glanced back at her for an explanation.
“This is where I got married,” she said.
Just one sentence. That was all it took for me to give the area a closer look. As we strolled together in silence, the spot gained new significance. I could almost feel regret hanging in the air, like a rain-filled cloud before a storm.
“We could move on, if you’d like,” I said. “I don’t need to see this one.”
Unlike me Sabrina didn’t break down crying in front of people when upset. She appeared cool and controlled.
“No. It’s fine,” she said. “I told you I’d show you the place. I wouldn’t want you to miss any of it.”
She turned to me and smiled. I couldn’t tell if she was reigning in her emotion… or if she’d simply moved on. If it was me, though, I’d never want to visit that garden again. And if I had to come back, I’d probably do something terrible, like take it out on the plants and then run away before getting arrested.
“I’m sure it was a beautiful wedding,” I said.
“It was.” There was a long pause, then she added, “I guess we all hope it will last forever.”
I walked beside her, unsure of what to say.
Sabrina continued. “I think I even knew at the wedding that it wouldn’t last. I didn’t admit it to myself out loud, but I knew on an unconscious level.”
“How?”
“I wish I could tell you. It was just a gut feeling, you know? That he didn’t love me enough.”
I felt terrible hearing Sabrina say that. Everyone deserved to be loved completely by their spouse.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“Thank you. That’s very kind.”
Sabrina was still cool and composed. I don’t know what came over me, but right then, I wanted to puncture that exterior.
“Do you think you’ll ever re-marry?” I asked.
The question super-charged the air around us. She didn’t have an immediate response.
“I think I’d like to,” she finally replied.
Much smarter than saying, “Yes. I wanted to steal your spouse from you and marry him.”
“How about you?” she asked. “Do you think you’ll re-marry?”
I was so busy thinking poisonous thoughts of her I hadn’t seen that one coming. I was blindsided. How dare she even have the nerve to ask?
“I haven’t given any thought to the matter.” My voic
e sounded even, but I was enraged. I know I didn’t really have a right to be–I’d asked her the very same question. But it made me angry. She seemed to sense it, too, and we continued strolling for a long time in silence.
“Here’s the English Walled Garden,” she announced, with a renewed sense of enthusiasm.
I didn’t know why I was so pissed. I guess I was one of those people who could dish it out but not take it. I had no one to blame but myself.
Exhaling and tucking the emotion away, I saw the entrance to the English Garden. A high wall of reddish-colored bricks formed a large square, hiding what lay inside. The way in was through a doorway held open by a blue wooden gate, which provided a glimpse of the beauty within.
As we walked in I was taken by the wildness of the flowers; which seemed to have a mind of their own, growing in all directions yet coming together somehow. To my right, there were two white benches, placed on opposite sides of a trickling fountain, the perfect spot to contemplate or have a photograph taken.
This was by far the best garden I’d ever seen. I could visualize Sabrina as a child, running around here, playing with her little sister.
Some of my inner fury dissipated.
“There are six walled rooms,” she said. “I’ll show you.”
I followed her, in awe at the beauty that surrounded me. I was enclosed in a real secret garden, right out of a Jane Austen novel. There were more than just wild flowers, though. Vines twisted and crawled up lattices. Manicured hedges separated areas and created order where there seemed to be none. Unique sculptures popped up in the most unexpected locations, adding to the enchantment.
Sabrina found a black wrought-iron bench and took a seat. I sat opposite her in a matching chair. I felt like a child at a tea party. I used to love playing with those plastic tea sets as a kid. I filled the cups with Kool-Aid and served crackers on plates to my mom and stuffed animals.
“Amy,” Sabrina said. “There’s something I’d like to tell you.”
I looked at over at her, wondering if it could really be this easy.
“I’m not sure how to word this,” she said.
This was the moment I’d been waiting for. I was sure.
“What I’m trying to say is,” she continued, “that toward the end, when Justin was really sick, well… he made a point of telling me that he hoped someday you would re-marry.”