As we made our way through our first session, Brian talked a lot about Cecile. I had a strong sense of what she thought, but what did Brian think? Did he see himself as guilty? “I don’t know. I don’t think she would have left if I wasn’t doing something terrible,” he said. “I destroyed my marriage over . . . that.” He ran his hand through his honey-colored hair. “I know that I haven’t been able to have a real erection since she caught me. It’s been two years now and I keep hoping it’s going to change.”
“It’s sounds like you are punishing yourself,” I said.
“Probably,” he said.
“Brian, it’s unfortunate Cecile is so misinformed, and maybe one day she’ll get better information, but you did nothing wrong. Masturbation is natural and healthy.”
“Even if you’re married?”
“Married, single, divorced, engaged, cohabitating. Yes, there’s nothing wrong with masturbation.”
I think Brian knew this on some level, but hearing it from me reinforced it. Surrogacy work often begins by assuring people that sexual impulses are no cause for shame. Brian’s thoughts were ambiguous, at best, about what he had done. He may not have believed self-pleasuring was a marriage-killing sin, but he was far from comfortable with it. I asked him to tell me his views on masturbation and what he had been taught about it.
“I was raised Catholic, so I was told it’s a sin. I guess I never wanted to believe that. No one ever discussed it in my family or anywhere else. I don’t know. A lot of my friends think that a real man doesn’t need to do it because he has a woman.”
I assured Brian that those ideas were myths, too, and I asked him what happened when he started to become aroused and touched himself.
“I start to fantasize, but then I catch myself and shut it down. Then I get anxious about whether or not I’ll ever be able to have another hard-on. The irony is that I haven’t been able to masturbate since Cecile left me.”
He added that since the divorce, the few times he had been with a partner had ended in embarrassment and apologies for not being able to “perform.” This humiliation and the fear that he would never have another relationship spurred him to see the therapist who eventually referred him to me.
“I have a homework exercise for you,” I said. “I want you to give yourself permission to fantasize. Try to initiate fantasies throughout the next couple of weeks and try to give yourself the okay to continue with them. Remember, they are just fantasies, so they can be anything you want—they can be immoral, illegal, or fattening—anything.”
Like many clients, Brian was in a bind. I could sense that he was curious and wanted to separate sexual fact from fiction. On the other hand, he was so guilt-ridden and afraid of sexuality that even learning more about it felt wrong. Clients frequently arrive with plenty of opinions, feelings, and attitudes about sexuality. The problem is that too often they are forged by cultural fallacies, media-generated stereotypes, and plain old lies. I continue to be amazed at how solid education delivered without judgment can eradicate much of the guilt and shame that turns life in the bedroom into a struggle instead of a pleasure.
I asked Brian if he was ready to try some physical exercises. When he said he was we headed to the bedroom and got undressed. I peeled away the quilt on the bed and invited him to lie down. Then I got into bed next to him.
As always, I started by teaching Brian some relaxation exercises. I asked him to take long, slow, deep breaths that inflated his stomach and then full exhalations that returned it to its normal shape. I had him close his eyes and I guided him verbally through a mental scan of his body from his head to his toes. “Continue breathing, and when you find a tense spot in your body breathe into it and then breathe the tension out with the next exhalation,” I said. When we finished the scan, I guided Brian in another five deep breaths. “Try to release any remaining tension.” I asked Brian how he was feeling, and he said he felt more relaxed than when he had arrived.
It was time to move on to Spoon Breathing. This exercise deepens intimacy and brings me into contact with a client. I asked Brian to turn to his left side so that his back was facing me. Then I turned over so that I was snuggled up against him, spooning. I draped my arm over his waist and bent my knees into the backs of his. “Just breathe naturally,” I said softly. “Take nice, easy, normal breaths.” I paid close attention to the rhythm of Brian’s breathing and synchronized my own with his. Soon we were breathing in and out together and a physical and emotional synergy started to build. I asked Brian how he felt and if he was ready to go on to Sensual Touch. When he said he was I asked him to roll over into the middle of the bed onto his abdomen and spread his legs into a V shape. I knelt down on the floor below the end of the bed. I asked him to take a deep breath, and when he exhaled I started exploring his feet and ankles. He had low arches and calluses around the outer edge of his big toes.
I moved to the bed and knelt between his legs. The hair on his legs was almost white, lighter than the hair on his head. At first, he was so tense that the muscles in his thighs and back felt like rope. As I slid the palms of my hands over them, I could feel some of the tension subside. I passed my hands over his butt and up his back. He had cinnamon-colored freckles across his broad shoulders. I went across each shoulder and then down his arms to his hands. The tautness in his muscles unraveled a bit.
I moved back up his arms to his shoulders and neck and then I reached the crown of his head. I rubbed the exposed side of his face, tracing my hand along his cheek and jaw, circled his ear, and then headed gingerly down his body again with broad-handed strokes. I traveled down until I reached the balls of his feet. I gently squeezed them and asked Brian to take a deep breath. As he exhaled, I let go. In a voice that was just above a whisper, I asked him to roll over onto his back when he was ready.
I gradually worked my way over the front of Brian’s feet, over his legs and to his groin. When I touched the shaft of his penis, it stiffened and the muscles throughout his body tensed. I asked him to take a deep breath as I let my fingers ascend to his pubic mound, abdomen, and then his chest. I ran my fingers over his shoulders, arms, hands, and then back up to his neck and face. I circled his eye orbits. I touched his forehead, ears, lips, and jaw. Then I started down his body for the final time.
Throughout Sensual Touch, Brian’s penis was never totally flaccid. His erection grew and diminished and then grew again. I often see this in clients, and at this stage it is not appropriate to have intercourse with them. A big misconception about this work is that the surrogate and client have sex immediately and in every session. One of the major goals of surrogacy, especially in the early stages, is to help the client become more aware of and in tune with his entire body. For him to have an erection and then lose, regain, and lose it again is helpful because it gives both him and me information about what arouses him and what doesn’t. Intercourse comes later, after we have experienced a number of other exercises and gradually increased the level of intimacy between us. The intention here is for him to learn more about what turns him on and to understand that his erection will return when he is in an erotic mindset and not worrying.
Two weeks later, Brian sat across from me in my office. His shoulders were high and he fidgeted with his hands. He picked almost obsessively at a bowl of nuts on the coffee table.
“How are you?” I asked.
“I don’t know. The homework—I couldn’t do it. I just can’t clear my mind enough.”
“That’s okay. Remember, we’re just at the very beginning of our work together. Try to be patient and compassionate with yourself.”
“I’m not sure I can change. Just when I start to get hard I panic and it goes away.”
“There’s every reason to believe you can change, but it won’t happen overnight. You’ll build the skills that will help, but it takes time. Remember, try your best to be patient with yourself.”
We talked a little more. Brian recalled other fallacies he had grown up with. Too much masturbatio
n would make you blind. It was a sign of mental illness. It could become a dangerous obsession.
“All untrue, Brian. Masturbation is natural, and it’s good for you—in many ways. It strengthens the prostate, relieves stress, and helps you to better understand your own sexuality. I have another exercise I’d like to show you today, one that’ll help you become more settled in your body.”
Kegel exercises build the pelvic floor muscles and increase sensation in the genitals. When done regularly, they can make arousal and orgasm more acute. Kegels are probably more often taught to women, but they are also useful for men. They are used in surrogacy to help clients develop “sensate focus,” the ability to be intensely aware of and attuned to physical sensations, especially the muscle tensing that comes with arousal. I thought if I could help Brian’s mind become more in tune with his body it might change the messages it sent.
We left the consultation room and headed to the bedroom. We slipped off our clothes and lay beside each other on the bed. I explained Kegel exercises to Brian. “They help tone the pubococcygeus, or PC muscle. The best way to identify this muscle is to try to cut off the flow of urine the next time you are in the bathroom. When you do this, you’re using your PC muscle. Try it the next time you’re peeing. When you ejaculate, the PC muscle kicks in involuntarily.”
Then I walked him through the exercise.
“Imagine that you are sucking deeply on a drinking straw. Take a long breath in through your mouth and count to three, and, as you do this, tighten your PC muscle. Imagine that you have to pee, but aren’t near a bathroom. Hold it for a count of three seconds and then let your muscles relax. Then take short, quick breaths, so that you inhale when you tighten and exhale when you release. Alternate between the two methods. Repeat the deep breathing twenty times, and then do the quick breathing twenty times.”
We ran through a few cycles of the exercise together and I suggested he start with sixty repetitions a day in increments of twenty and work his way up to one hundred.
We did Sensual Touch again, and this time Brian seemed more at ease. As I worked my way up and down the back and front of his body, I noticed less tightness than I had in our earlier sessions and at times it seemed as though Brian was close to asleep.
When we were finished, I asked him for feedback. He told me that his shoulders and feet felt sensual, and his lower back and genital area felt sexual. He felt nurtured when I caressed his arms and the backs of his legs, and he felt neutral everywhere else.
As is typical in the second session, after I was finished exploring Brian and had heard his feedback, he explored me.
I rolled over onto my abdomen and Brian knelt on the floor. He took my toes and feet gently in his hand. I could tell almost instantly that Brian had a wonderfully sensual touch. As he made his way up my body, it also became evident that he had paid close attention to how I had touched him. He used similar, full-handed, slow strokes.
Brian glided his strong hands up my ankles and the backs of my legs. He lightly circled my hips and butt and then traveled to my lower back. He applied a little more pressure and the tightness in my muscles gave way to his touch. With his hands spread out, he went up my back and to my shoulders, down my arms and to my hands. Then he went back up my shoulders to my neck. He used his fingertips to softly trace around my forehead, down my nose, and around my cheeks and lips.
He went down my body a second time. When he reached my feet, I turned over at his request. As Brian slowly inched up my body, I became more relaxed and arousal started to build. He softly raked his fingers over my pubic mound. Brian sensed my muscles tensing and gently pressed his palms into my abdomen as I took deep breaths. His hands continued up, and when he got to my breasts he took his index finger and circled around my areolas. When he reached my face, he slowed his touch down even more. He lightly dragged his fingers over my lips. Then he smoothed along each side of my nose and over my cheekbones. He made it to the crown of my head and then started back down my body, revisiting all the areas he had touched previously. Then, without any prompting, Brian asked me if I was ready to give him feedback.
I told Brian that I felt nurtured almost the whole time he had touched me. It felt sexual when he touched my inner thighs, breasts, face, neck, buttocks, nipples, and inner arms. It felt both sensual and nurturing when he touched the rest of me. I didn’t feel neutral at any time. Brian then lay down alongside me, our hips and shoulders touching. I felt the heat of Brian’s body. We closed our eyes and started deep breathing. A few cycles into it, I opened my eyes and noticed that Brian’s penis had become harder.
I sensed the trust between Brian and me deepening. Brian had now touched me and he knew that I enjoyed it. This often helps a client feel like they are on more of an equal footing with me. We continued to breathe deeply for a few minutes, and when I opened my eyes to talk to him, Brian’s penis had relaxed.
“Brian, are you ready to get up?”
“Yes,” he said in a sleepy voice.
I got out of bed and asked him for a hug. As we let go, I thanked him for the experience. Then we got dressed and walked up the corridor and back to the consultation room. I reminded him to practice the Kegel exercises he had learned and we made an appointment to see each other again two weeks later.
By the time we finished our third session, Brian had made steady progress. He was now regularly practicing Kegels and the breathing and relaxation exercises I had taught him. His fear and guilt around masturbation had diminished and the length of time he could maintain an erection jumped to five or six minutes, almost twice what it had been. He reported that he was able to melt into his fantasies a little more and that he noticed subtle changes in how he thought. For example, he still might find himself saying “stop” when he started to become aroused, but he no longer felt that he had to act on that command. Practicing the relaxation techniques helped him to recognize and relieve the anxiety that short-circuited his erections. This was a lot to accomplish in three sessions, but it was in our fourth when Brian really turned a corner. That’s when we did the Sexological.
Brian arrived at our fourth session with a smile on his face. He had made more progress than he had thought possible. He had even considered asking a woman out on a date. After we talked for a little while, I ushered Brian into the bedroom.
“The Sexological is an exercise that focuses on the genitals,” I explained. “We’ll explore each other in depth and give feedback as we go along. There are two ways that this exercise can be helpful. First, it gives you an opportunity to really discover where in your genital area you’re most sensitive and receptive. Second, it helps to take communication to a more intimate level. You’ll tell me how you feel all throughout the exercise and then when it’s my turn I’ll do the same. The goal is to eventually be able to have this kind of conversation with a partner.”
Brian tensed up a bit.
“The Sexological is deliberately clinical. The only thing we’re trying to do here is pay close and careful attention to how we feel. I’ll ask you about this as we go along. There are no right or wrong feelings. It’s just thoughtful, slow exploration. Try to stay in the moment and in your body. Use your senses. Really take in what you’re seeing, smelling, tasting, hearing, and feeling. Many people don’t get erections during the Sexological. Some do. Either is natural.”
I turned on the lamp on the nightstand. Then I went to the closet and pulled out six pillows, four to prop against the headboard, which Brian would lean back on, and two for me to support myself in the middle of the bed. I pulled out a hand mirror, tissues, and lubricant from the nightstand.
I took off my trousers and button-down shirt and then I swept my hair back into a barrette so it wouldn’t get in the way. Brian got undressed and I took him by the hand and led him to the bed. I asked him to sit up against the pillows at the headboard and keep his knees bent. I adjusted the pillows to give my lower back support while sitting in the middle of the bed between his legs. I stretched my legs into a
wide V and then asked Brian to do the same, and to put his legs over mine. When he did this our legs made a diamond shape.
Brian’s legs were bulky with muscle and the hair on them slightly tickled my knees. He had broad shoulders and short fingers and a long scar down his forearm. His abdomen was divided by a line of hair that thinned out and disappeared before reaching his chest. I took his hands in mine. “Deep breaths,” I said. Together we inhaled and exhaled a few times until I flexed my fingers and we uncoupled our hands.
Brian’s penis was of average length. His pubic mound was covered with a wide triangle of blonde hair. His large scrotum spilled out beneath it. “Remember, Brian, as we go through this exercise, you have permission to have or not have a hard-on,” I said. “However you react is okay.”
I bent at my waist, took Brian’s penis in my left hand, and lengthened it out with my right. I folded it up gently against his pubic mound.
I slowly glided my fingertip along the glands that make up the head of his penis. I went up the right side, around the top where the urinary opening is, and then down the left side.
I felt the muscles in his legs tense. I suggested he let them relax. Every time I felt an area of his body tense, I placed my hand on that area and asked him to release the tightness.
“Tell me how that feels. Does one side feel more sensitive than the other?” I asked.
His neck and face turned rosy and I could see the muscles in his abdomen becoming taut.
“I think the right side, but I’m not sure,” Brian answered. I went around the head again and asked him if he could feel a difference now, reminding him if that if he didn’t it was perfectly fine.
“I’m still not sure.”
“Okay, let’s keep exploring.”
I touched the frenulum, the triangular area between the head and shaft of the penis, then I ran my finger between the two glands. I asked Brian how that felt.
An Intimate Life Page 5