Only one sadness shadowed this extraordinary time. Mark wouldn’t be here to see the movie. In 1999, he succumbed to post-polio syndrome. I know he would have been tickled by the whole process, and I thought often about how he would have coached the filmmakers. One of the many things I love about the film is how Ben and John capture Mark’s wit. If it’s true that our spirits live on after death, I’m sure Mark is laughing at all the humor.
For a while, it seemed like every day something positive happened. In November 2011, I received an early Christmas gift when I learned that the film had been accepted to the Sundance Film Festival. It would debut on January 23, 2012. Not only that, but I was invited to attend the screening. I was heading to one of the most prestigious film festivals in the world.
I called my cousin and dear friend Susan, and she whooped so loud I had to pull the phone away from my ear. I set it down on an end table and switched to speaker mode before I asked if she wanted to join Bob and me in Utah.
The next day I hit some high-end thrift shops for something special to wear on the trip. I finally found a gorgeous beaded silk kimono-style top and pants to match. Where else had these clothes been worn? I wondered. I didn’t know, but I couldn’t imagine it had been to Sundance.
On the Saturday before the film was due to open, we arrived in Utah in the midst of a blizzard. The next morning we walked around the quaint Park City streets that were festooned with Sundance banners. They buzzed with excitement and the media was out in force. “The Sundance Film Festival” emblazoned the marquees of the theaters that dotted the downtown. CNN had requested an interview with me the day after the premiere.
I spent more time getting ready for the premiere than I had for any event in recent memory. I was anxious and excited. I had seen clips from the movie, but this was the first time I would view the finished product. It showed at the sprawling Eccles Theater, and when we arrived we were shunted off to an area designated for people involved with the film. Ben Lewin, Helen Hunt, John Hawkes, William H. Macy, and others from the cast and crew sat amid the packed house. As the film began, I squeezed Bob’s hand. I still couldn’t believe this was really happening.
The Surrogate was everything I could have hoped it would be. It was poignant, smart, beautifully acted, and funny. One of the things I loved the most about it was the thoughtful portrayal of my profession. I don’t think it could have done a better job of revealing the complexities, challenges, and rewards of surrogacy work and the unique relationship that develops between surrogate and client. It was also one of the first times I had seen the sexuality of a disabled character handled with such honesty and grace. Maybe it’s asking more than a movie can deliver, but I hope that disabled people will come away from it feeling that their sexuality has been affirmed and recognized, and reminded that they have as much of a right as anyone to explore and enjoy sex.
In our continuing string of luck, the film was sold to Fox Searchlight. It also won the special jury prize for ensemble acting and the audience award in the drama genre. I was touched by how many people wanted to meet me after the movie and how warmly they treated me. When I got back to the hotel, I called Jessica, who was only slightly less ecstatic about all of this than me. Hours later I was still wired, but I eventually slipped into sleep and out of the dream I had been living.
Back in Berkeley, I brushed off the stardust and returned to my work and life. So much had happened recently that I could never have imagined when I began as a surrogate. As a confused and frightened kid, I worried about a desolate future burdened with secrets and shame. I predicted a long string of doomed efforts to mold myself into inhuman standards that I was sure I was the only one who couldn’t meet. As I look back, my life seems like a road with impossible twists and turns. I often wonder what it would be like today if I had been born in a different era, if I had never met Michael, if I had never heard of surrogacy. I know one thing for certain: The person I know as me wouldn’t exist.
As I inch toward seventy, I appreciate more and more how much I have to be grateful for and how fortunate I’ve been. I was lucky to find a wonderful career and to be surrounded by so many smart, adventurous, caring people. My personal sexual revolution auspiciously paralleled our culture’s, and in many ways was made possible by it. I am eternally grateful to the pioneers, rebels, and dreamers who made our society a little safer for women who embrace their sexuality. I have seen hundreds of clients, and I still can’t think of anything I would rather do with my life than to help people more fully express and enjoy their sexuality. Confusion about sex remains rampant in our culture. An all-pervasive media promulgates misconceptions, distortions, and falsehood about it, while retrograde political forces continue to threaten sexual education and freedom. I know that the men and women with whom I’ve worked are but a small fraction of the people who struggle with their sexuality. Still, I feel gratified when I look back at my career and recall how I helped my clients build healthier, happier sex lives.
That I am encircled by a loving, supportive family means that I am doubly gifted with happiness in both my work and personal life. Bob and I have shared nearly half of our lives. It was with him that I learned that love wasn’t something I had to earn anew each day. It could be received and given unconditionally. A loving partnership transforms the individuals in it into better people than they would be on their own. It both uplifts and grounds a life. It is only because of Bob that I know this, and my love for him is immeasurable. Today my children are successful, confident, and caring adults. Michael and I gave them a childhood full of love and support, encouragement, and guidance. Together we laid the ground for them to become the people they are today. This is the only accomplishment I take more pride in than my surrogacy career.
I’m more in demand than ever from the media, and I still get asked to explain how I’m different from a prostitute. As I watched The Sessions , as the film was later retitled, I wondered if it would make the difference clear to the general public. If it doesn’t, I’m not worried. I can think of worse things to be conflated with, and what separates surrogates from prostitutes is significant. When people have difficulty grasping it, I turn to my beloved and late friend Steven Brown’s cooking analogy that I’ve so often relied on to help me through that question: Seeing a prostitute is like going to a restaurant. Seeing a surrogate is like going to culinary school. I’m sixty-eight now, and I have no intention of hanging up my apron.
recommended resources
books
Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex after Sixty, Joan Price, Oakland, California, Seal Press, 2005.
Changing Bodies, Changing Lives: A Book for Teens on Sex and Relationships, Ruth Bell Alexander, New York City, Three Rivers Press, 1998.
Cockfidence: The Extraordinary Lover’s Guide to Being the Man You Want to Be and Driving Women Wild, Celeste Hirschman, MA and Danielle Harel, Ph.D., Somatica Press, 2011.
The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships, Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., New York City, Perennial Currents, 2005.
Erotic Massage, Kenneth Ray Stubbs, Ph.D., New York City, Tarcher, 1999
The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Sexual Passion and Fulfillment , Jack Morin, Ph.D., New York City, Harper Perennial, 1996.
Femalia, Joani Blank, San Francisco, California, Last Gasp Press, 2011.
For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy, Lonnie Barbach Ph.D., New York City, Anchor, 1983.
For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality, Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D., New York City, Signet, 2000.
Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., New York City, Henry Holt & Co, 2007.
A Guide to Getting It On, Paul Joannides and Daerick Gross, Waldport, Oregon, Goofy Foot Press, 2000.
Keeping the Love You Find: A Personal Guide, Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., New York City, Atria Books, 1993.
Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, Esther Perel, New York City,
Harper Perennial, 2007.
My Body, My Self for Boys, Lynda Madaras and Area Madaras, New York City, William Morrow Paperbacks, 2007
My Body, My Self for Girls, Lynda Madaras and Area Madaras, New York City, William Morrow Paperbacks, 2007.
Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex, Joan Price, Oakland, California, Seal Press, 2011.
The New Male Sexuality: The Truth about Men, Sex, and Pleasure, Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D., New York City, Bantam, 1999.
A New View of a Woman’s Body: A Fully Illustrated Guide, the Federation of Feminist Women’s Health Centers, Illustrations by Suzann Gage, L. Ac. RNC, NP, San Diego, California, Feminist Health Press, 1991.
Petals, Nick Karras, San Diego, California, Crystal River Publishing, 2003.
Resurrecting Sex: Solving Sexual Problems and Revolutionizing Your Relationship , David Schnarch, Ph.D., New York City, Harper Perennial, 2003
Romantic Interludes: A Sensuous Lovers Guide, Kenneth Ray Stubbs, Ph.D., with Louise-André Saulnier, Tucson, Arizona, Secret Garden Press, 1996
Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving, Betty Dodson, Ph.D., New York City, Three Rivers Press, 1996.
Women’s Sexualities: Generations of Women Share Intimate Secrets of Sexual Self-Acceptance, Carol Rinkleib Ellison, Ph.D., Oakland, California, New Harbinger Publications, 2006.
sex and disability
Enabling Romance: A Guide to Love, Sex, and Relationships for People with Disabilities (and the People Who Care About Them), Ken Kroll and Erica Levy Klein, Horsham, Pennsylvania, No Limits Communications, 2001.
Not Made of Stone: The Sexual Problems of Handicapped People, K. Heslinga, Thomas 1974.
The Sensuous Wheeler: Sexual Adjustment for the Spinal Cord Injured, Barry J. Rabin, Ph.D., Multi Media Resource Center, 1980.
Sex and Back Pain: Advice on Restoring Comfortable Sex Lost to Back Pain, Lauren Andrew Hebert, PT, Greenville, Maine, Impacc USA, 1997.
Sex When You’re Sick: Reclaiming Sexual Health after Illness or Injury, Anne Katz, Santa Barbara, California, Praeger, 2009.
Sex-Role Issues in Mental Health, Kay F. Schaffer, Addison-Wesley Publishers, 1980.
Sexual Options for Paraplegics and Quadriplegics, Thomas O. Mooney, Theodore M. Cole, M.D., and Richard Chilgren, M.D., New York City, Little Brown & Co., 1975.
Sexuality after Spinal Cord Injury: Answers to Your Questions, Stanley H. DuCharme and Kathleen M. Gill, Baltimore, Maryland, Brookes Publishing Company, 1996.
The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability: For All of Us Who Live with Disabilities, Chronic Pain, and Illness, Miriam Kaufman, Fran Odette, and Cory Silverberg, Berkeley, California, Cleis Press, 2007.
videos, toys, etc.
Betty Dodson, Ph.D.
dodsonandross.com
Good Vibrations
goodvibes.com
Kenneth Ray Stubbs
secretgardenpublishing.com
sex information
San Francisco Sex Information
sfsi.org
Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States siecus.org
acknowledgments
Writing a book is always a team effort. It was our good fortune to be part of a team of stellar professionals, without whom An Intimate Life would have remained a dream. Cheryl and Lorna wish to thank Charlie Winton, Liz Parker, Maren Fox, Kelly Winton, Jodi Ham-merwold, and the rest of the staff at Counterpoint for all of their hard work and dedication to this project. Brooke Warner, our editor, deserves much credit for making this book readable, lively, and professional. Thanks are also due to Brad Bunnin, our publishing consultant, who provided us with invaluable guidance. Finally, our profound gratitude goes to David Cole for bringing us together.
From Cheryl: I want to thank my Nanna Fournier for her unconditional love. My mother, for understanding that mothers and daughters can also be friends. My father, for his wonderful sense of humor, something that is necessary for a fulfilled life. My children, who are the absolute loves of my life. All my dear nonjudgmental friends who have given me support throughout the years. My husband, Bob, who taught me how to accept unconditional love. Michael Paul Cohen, without whom I would never have moved to California and discovered the work that has so profoundly affected my life. And Lorna Garano, who understood my stories and masterfully helped transcribe them onto the written page. My appreciation is eternal.
From Lorna: I would like to thank my family for their unending support and unconditional love. I also wish to express my gratitude to my coauthor, Cheryl Cohen Greene. It was an honor to help her write her story and to bring her wise, compassionate, and generous spirit to life in these pages. Last, but not least, my heartfelt thanks go to my partner, Peter Handel, the love of my life.
about the authors
CHERYL T. COHEN GREENE, DHS, has been in private clinical practice as a surrogate partner and consultant in human sexuality since 1973. She was trained in the Masters and Johnson modality and was on the training staff of San Francisco Sex Information for nineteen years. She is a certified sex educator and clinical sexologist, and in 2004 earned her DHS (Doctor of Human Sexuality) from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco. Currently, Cohen Greene serves as the vice president of IPSA (International Professional Surrogates Association), and was one of the founders of BASA (Bay Area Surrogates Association), a support group for surrogate partners in the San Francisco Bay Area.
Cohen Greene lectures widely and she is frequently sought out by national media. She has been interviewed by CNN, Larry King Live, San Francisco Chronicle, Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, and other national outlets. Visit her at www.cherylcohengreene.com
LORNA GARANO is a freelance writer and publicist based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Visit her at www.lornagarano.com
Copyright © 2012 by Cheryl T. Cohen Greene with Lorna Garano
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in Publication is available.
eISBN : 978-1-593-76496-8
Soft Skull Press
An Imprint of COUNTERPOINT
1919 Fifth Street
Berkeley, CA 94710
www.softskull.com
An Intimate Life Page 25