Natalie helped herself to more bread. “They coming for a visit?”
“We’re meeting them at a North Carolina resort.”
“As in the three of you are going on vacation?”
Pandora couldn’t help but smile. “I guess you could call it that—only I’ll still be working.”
“Of course.” Natalie’s exaggerated nod only made her smile more suspect.
Eyebrows raised, Pandora asked, “You think I won’t?”
“Oh—I have no doubt you’ll continue doing a great job with Quinn, but I’m more intrigued by all that alone time you’ll have with his dad.”
Pandora frowned. “You do realize that as my boss, you’re not supposed to encourage the fraternization you keep hinting you’d like to see?”
“Sadly, yes. Which is why I’ll now have to walk off the half loaf of your sinfully yummy bread I’ve eaten to cover my guilt.”
Guilt? Natalie had no clue of the true meaning.
Pandora feared the upcoming trip would test her mightily in regard to keeping her relationship with Calder strictly professional.
More and more, the man and his adorable son felt like her new drugs. For a former addict—not a good thing.
Chapter Nine
Monday afternoon, Calder got word his team would ship out that night for Somalia. Yay. He had a couple hours off until returning to base, and in the past, before he’d known about Quinn, he’d be psyched about any new op. But his current feelings were more in the realm of resigned. Hopefully it’d be an in-and-out mission. Surgically clean.
It sounded selfish, but he especially wanted to be home before the North Carolina trip.
The more time he spent with Pandora, the more curious he grew. Working together in the yard, he’d sensed she may have been on the verge of opening up. He’d hoped to see even more progress tonight. Which made no sense. He had nothing to offer her in the way of any serious relationship, so why attempt making more out of their working friendship than there was?
“Hi, there!” The smile Pandora greeted him with as he climbed off his bike and removed his helmet turned his supposedly tough SEAL shell to mush. The day was warm and sunny with barely a breath of wind. She stood barefoot on the front lawn, holding Quinn’s raised hands while he staggered about, perfecting his walk. “Look, Quinn! Daddy’s home!”
His son’s giggle raised a knot in Calder’s throat.
When Pandora walked the baby to him, Calder lifted his son for a hug. He would miss Quinn, as well as the boy’s nanny, when he left for his mission.
Sighing, he asked, “Remember when I told you I sometimes need to ship out with short notice?”
She nodded, and damn if her eyes didn’t suddenly shine with unshed tears. “But you’ll be home soon, right?”
“Sure.” Home. Such a loaded word. He used to return from missions to the apartment he shared with fellow team members. It was vacant while they were gone. An empty vessel standing by to once again be filled. Now that he had a home, a son, a woman—a friend—who cared for both, he feared the game may have changed.
“Okay, then...” She took a deep breath and forced a smile. “I imagine you need help packing? I just did laundry, so—”
“Thanks, but I’m good. It’s not really a traditional packing kind of trip, and my gear’s back on base, ready to go.” He smoothed Quinn’s downy hair. “I just wanted to see this guy.” You. “Let you know I’m leaving. Make sure you have enough money and stuff.”
“There’s plenty in the house account.”
“Good. I’ll add more. And you and Quinn go have fun once in a while, okay?”
“Sure....”
There was more he wanted to say, but he wasn’t sure how. Or even if it was appropriate. He wanted to thank her for all she’d done for him and Quinn. For all she would do in bringing him peace of mind while he was gone. “Look...” He glanced down. Kicked a pebble near his foot. “There’s no easy way to say this, so I might as well come right out with it. If something happens and I don’t—”
“Stop.” She held up her hands. “You’re going to be fine.”
“Yeah, but if I’m not...”
She childishly put her hands over her ears and shook her head.
Calder set Quinn on the grass, then clasped Pandora’s wrists, gently tugging her arms down before taking her hands. Easing his fingers between hers felt as forbidden and raw as if he’d slid inside her. In all the missions he’d been on, he’d never experienced such crushing urgency to take care of business that might be left behind. Before Quinn, before Pandora, he’d always called his folks prior to leaving for a mission, then been on his merry way. Now? He gave her hands an urgent squeeze, wanting desperately to kiss her but squashing the urge. For all he knew, she viewed him strictly as her boss—as she should.
“Okay, so look,” he began again. “If anything happens to me, my mom has all the necessary documentation to make sure Quinn’s legally safe. Her number’s in the address book I keep in the drawer under the kitchen phone.”
She swallowed hard and nodded.
“I hope to be back before our North Carolina trip. I want you to meet my mom. I think you two will be friends.”
“I—I’d like that.”
During their exchange, Quinn had nearly crawled his way to the sidewalk. When Pandora released Calder’s hands to chase after her charge, for a moment he felt bereft. He knew it was the whole going-off-to-war thing that had him melodramatic, but he couldn’t help it. Was this how his pals Garrett and Deacon felt every time they left their families? If so, how did they take it? He and Pandora weren’t anything but employer and employee, so why did he feel as if he was leaving not only his son, but a woman who could one day teach him that commitment might not be all bad?
*
“THANK YOU,” Pandora said to Lila, who’d just brought her fourth batch of cookies in two weeks. She opened the front door, inviting her friend inside. “Quinn and I always appreciate your baking, but you do know you don’t have to keep bringing us goodies.”
“Of course, I know.” She made a beeline for Quinn, who sat on the carpet playing with his jumbo blocks. “But as long as Calder’s off fighting for our country, the least I can do is bake for his family.”
“I’m not his family,” Pandora said for what felt like the hundredth time.
“Maybe not technically, but haven’t you ever heard that old saying about there being families we’re born into and then there are the ones we choose?”
“Well, sure, but...” Her words trailed off because she realized what Lila said was true. Of course, Julia was still her world, but since taking this job, her world had expanded and blossomed. Quinn meant so much to her, and no matter how vehemently she tried denying feeling anything special for his father, every night when she said her prayers, adding extra for Calder and his team’s protection, her thoughts drifted to memories of that sunny morning he’d held her hands.
Had his action been significant? Or was she reading too much into what had in reality been a casual gesture? Having never been around men who weren’t either physically or emotionally abusive—sometimes both—she had no experiences with which to gauge what was real.
All she did know was standing in the yard, warm sun kissing her face, she’d wished Calder had kissed her, too.
*
BY THE TIME Pandora’s next visit with Julia rolled around, Calder was still out of town. She could’ve asked Natalie to watch Quinn for her, but Pandora figured her daughter would get a kick out of playing with a “real live” doll, so she packed Quinn up and took him with her.
“He’s so cute,” her daughter said. Julia sat in the corner of the visitation room’s sofa, holding Quinn on her lap. “I love his chubby belly.”
“Me, too.”
“Mom Cindy’s having a baby!”
“Really?” Pandora’s stomach tightened into a knot. Though it wasn’t something she liked thinking about, she did worry what would happen should Julia prefer Mom Cin
dy to her. “That’s exciting.” And it was. She didn’t begrudge anyone else’s happiness but was more than ready to claim a slice of her own.
“When I live with you again, do we get to keep Quinn?”
“No, sweetie.” Worry vanished, making way for anticipation of the day she finally took Julia home. The fact that her daughter also thought of that time swelled her heart with joy, reminding her to once and for all stop fearing every little thing. “We can’t keep Quinn, but as long as I work for his dad, we get to play with him all we want.”
“That’s good.”
“I think so.” She toyed with one of Julia’s blond curls. Her hair was getting so long and pretty. During her few sober nights, she’d loved brushing it, singing lullabies, dreaming of a better life for them both. “Have you decided what you want to be for Halloween?”
“A princess or a zombie!”
“Oooh.” Pandora made a face. “Wouldn’t a zombie be too scary?”
“Probably. But Brent in my class says any costume that isn’t scary is stupid. Do you think so, too?”
Peer pressure this early? “I think it’s important for you to pick a costume you feel super comfortable and happy wearing. If every time you look in the mirror, you get scared, then that doesn’t sound very fun, right?”
Julia giggled. “Mom?”
“Yes?” Hearing her daughter call her that was heaven on earth.
“Can you please read more of the book we started last visit?”
“I’d love to.” Snuggling closer to both children, Pandora took the book from her bag, then turned the page to where they’d last left off.
*
ANOTHER WEEK PASSED with Calder gone.
Pandora kept busy taking Quinn for walks and teaching herself to sew using the ancient Singer she’d found for ten bucks at a yard sale. So far, she’d made kitchen curtains and a small, colorful quilt for Quinn. One day, she’d like to create clothes for Julia, but she’d need way more practice first.
Lila and Natalie often stopped by, and though Pandora’s nights were sometimes lonely and long, she worked hard to maintain Quinn’s schedule and to not dwell on the fact that his father was likely in constant danger.
On a Wednesday night, when she was dicing carrots to boil for Quinn’s supper, the phone rang.
It didn’t ring all that often, so the noise startled her and Quinn, who burst into tears.
“Poor baby, it’s okay.” Before answering, she plucked him off the kitchen floor and into her arms. “Hello?”
“Hi, Pandora?”
“Yes?” The woman on the line sounded familiar, but Pandora couldn’t immediately place her.
“This is Patricia—we met during the guys’ beach-volleyball game?”
“Oh, sure. How are you?”
“Actually, great. Now that Heath and I are officially engaged, I’m on the wife-calling circle. I know you and Calder aren’t like a couple or anything, but I thought you’d want to know the guys are due back tomorrow afternoon.”
“That’s great!” Pandora didn’t even try hiding her excitement, and her relief. “Thank you so much for calling.”
Patricia laughed. “You’re welcome. Enjoy the rest of your night.”
Pandora hung up the phone and closed her stinging eyes.
“Hear that, sweetie?” She tickled Quinn’s tummy. “Your daddy’s coming home.”
*
CALDER DIDN’T THINK his commanding officer would ever end their team’s debriefing. Finally, it was over, and he was free to go. A long time ago, he would have hit Tipsea’s for a wild night out with his single friends, but instead he shared in a few minutes’ obligatory handshaking and backslapping on a job well done, then hitched a ride home from Heath.
Heath dropped him at the curb, saying a quick goodbye as he was eager for his reunion with Patricia.
With his ditty bag slung over his shoulder, Calder crossed the yard and mounted his porch steps at a hurried pace. Lord, he couldn’t wait to hold his son.
And Pandora?
How did he feel about seeing her?
He didn’t have to wait long to find out. She must’ve gotten the heads-up on his imminent arrival because she dashed out the door with Quinn in her arms. “Hi! We missed you!”
Laughing, tossing his bag to reach for his son, he said, “Not half as much as I missed you. And this guy looks like he’s grown a foot.”
“How was it?”
He made a face.
“Sorry.” She tucked her hair behind her ears. Had it grown longer? He liked it. “Dumb question.”
“Nah, I wouldn’t say that past missions have been enjoyable, and even though this one was relatively short, it felt longer than the fifteen months I spent in Iraq.”
“That’s a really long time.”
“No kidding.” The phrase struck him as trite. There was so much Calder wanted to say but wasn’t sure how, or if he should. He’d seen kids Quinn’s age living in deplorable conditions. Women performing countless hours of hard physical labor to scrape a meager existence from ravaged land. When he’d been on missions before, he’d focused on getting his job done. This time, he’d soaked in the world around him, really took a good long look at the people and what they were even fighting for. It’d been sobering. And more than anything, he wanted to draw Pandora in for a hug, burying his face in her hair.
“Patricia told me you’d be home today, so if you’re hungry, I made all your favorites.” She gestured toward the door, smiling shyly in a way that twisted him all up inside. He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t spent every second of downtime thinking about her and Quinn.
“You didn’t have to do that.” But I’m sure glad you did.
“I know. I wanted to.” Tugging him by his sleeve, she urged him inside. “Come on. Quinn and I did some decorating.”
Calder trailed after her, trying not to focus on her swaying hips. Looking up, he got a shock to find his living room transformed into the sort of patriotic homecoming usually reserved for the airport welcoming of National Guard units. SEALs operated without a lot of fanfare. So this...
He teared up. “Quinn,” he said, locking his gaze with Pandora, “did you do all this?”
“He sure did.” Pandora winked. “Although he had to sit on a few phone books to see over the wheel when he was out buying supplies.”
“This is...” There were no words to describe how her simple gesture of red, white and blue balloons and streamers, coupled with a giant banner reading Welcome Home, Daddy! made him feel special. As if he’d somehow become part of a family without even knowing it. “This is really great.”
When Calder’s throat knotted again, he did what he’d been craving from the moment he’d set eyes on her, and gave Pandora a hug. With Quinn squirming between them, there was nothing sexy about the gesture, but it felt great all the same.
“I’m glad you like it.” When she stepped back, her eyes shone. “Quinn and I had fun. He made all the handprints decorating the edge of your banner.”
Holding Quinn out to face him, Calder took in his son’s handiwork, then said, “I’m impressed. Looks like we’ve got quite the little artist on our hands.” We. The moment he referred to both himself and Pandora, Calder knew all the time he’d spent thinking about her when he’d been in Somalia was for a reason. He had started to think of Pandora as an integral part of not only Quinn’s life but his.
Whether he felt up for commitment or not, something was happening that felt out of his control. For the first time in his life, he cared for a woman. The notion was both exhilarating and terrifying.
After sharing a delicious early dinner, helping with the dishes, taking Quinn for a walk in the park then giving him his bath and tucking him in, Calder couldn’t remember having ever felt more at peace.
“Help me with something,” he said to Pandora when they’d both settled in the living room before a crackling fire.
“Anything.” Her smile warmed him through and through.
“This is going to sound crazy, but hear me out.” He leaned forward where he sat on the sofa, resting his elbows on his knees. “When we met, I operated under the assumption that you were Quinn’s nanny and that was it. I never wanted anything more from life than to win a few battles for the good guys, then party every Friday and Saturday night, but now? I don’t know....” He ran his fingers through his hair. “Feel free to file a lawsuit if this is off base, but...” He looked up to find her staring.
“Yes?” Hands tightly clasped on her lap, she swallowed hard.
“I like you, Pandora.”
After licking her lips, she said, “I like you, too. But I can’t. I mean, I shouldn’t. It wouldn’t be right.”
“Would I be out of line asking why?”
Her lips curved into what he could only describe as a haunted smile. As if she’d been in this spot before and wasn’t sure she wanted to proceed.
Only for him, this was a first. He didn’t commit. He acted as irresponsibly as safety allowed, then went on his way. He wasn’t proud of that fact, but that’s what it was—fact. Now he found himself in the uncharted territory of not knowing where he stood, and he didn’t like it.
“Sorry,” he blurted, pushing to his feet. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
She stood, too. And then went to him, shyly easing her arms around his waist, pressing her cheek to his chest. Could she feel, hear, his heart pounding? “I really like you, too.”
He exhaled sharply, holding her close.
“But there are things about me—my past—you need to know.”
Part of him wanted to know everything about her. His more rational side told him to back away. He’d never had a girlfriend and he sure as hell wasn’t interested in marriage. Which meant what?
Hands on her upper arms, he pushed her back, just far enough to finally kiss her. He’d almost touched his lips to hers, then suddenly released her to turn away. “Sorry. You’re right. I can’t do this, either.”
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