Heels of his hands pressed to his forehead, Calder asked, “What is this? National Rag on Calder Day?”
“I’m not ragging on you, hon, but trying to teach you to be a better father. Just a guess, but I think you were so quick to jump on Pandora because her faults made your own not look so bad. What you don’t get is that your lack of connection with Quinn will have lasting results. Don’t believe me? Look at your relationship with your father, then tell me how good you are at relationships.”
*
THE WHOLE RIDE to Pandora’s new place, Calder wanted to be angry with his mom but couldn’t. She’d added vital pieces to his own personal puzzle. The one thing he disagreed with was that he didn’t actively participate in Quinn’s everyday care.
Hell, he changed diapers. Gave baths. And what was the point of memorizing formula-to-water ratios when they were written on the side of the formula can?
Knowing Pandora’s concerns about money, he was afraid she was living in a seedy part of town. What he found himself driving through was a neighborhood far nicer than his own. He knew it was the historic Ghent district but had never paid much attention to the homes—just bars.
The address Pandora gave him turned out to be a full-on Tudor mansion complete with its own small forest protected by ivy-covered, brick walls. Her apartment was above a four-car garage. Age-old servants’ quarters?
He parked his SUV, grabbed Quinn and his gear from the back, then mounted the stairs, eager to apologize and get Pandora back to living with him. This place was nice and all, but she belonged at his house.
Hand poised to knock, nerves seized his stomach.
What should he say? It wasn’t like him to not have a plan.
At work, he had everything figured out, but when it came to Pandora—even his son—he was a wreck.
She opened her door. The mere sight of her took his breath away. She wasn’t wearing her glasses, which made her green eyes all the more striking. Her long, dark hair hung wavy and loose. He remembered holding her, burying his face in that hair, breathing in her sweet floral shampoo. He craved her smile, but instead of gifting it to him, she reserved it only for his son.
Quinn squealed and laughed, holding out his arms and pinching his fingers.
“Hey, handsome! There’s my precious boy. Look how big you are!” Pandora took the squirming boy from Calder’s arms.
While his son and Pandora got reacquainted, Calder sat on the plaid sofa, feeling about as needed as mosquitoes at a barbecue.
Quinn’s smile was so big he drooled.
Of course, Pandora was first on the scene with a dishcloth to wipe him clean.
Calder didn’t think of himself as the jealous type, but seeing how much his own son preferred Pandora’s company to his rammed home his mom’s earlier rant. He truly didn’t have a meaningful relationship with Quinn. The knowledge not only hurt but left him more than a little ashamed and confused as to what he was supposed to do about it.
Eyeing a plate filled with neatly sliced cheese and summer sausage circled by crackers, Calder helped himself. Since the woman he’d come to see was ignoring him, he might as well do something with his time.
“Pout much?” Pandora asked. Still-smiley Quinn rode on her hip, grabbing her hair.
“That’s stupid. I don’t pout.”
She laughed. “Look in the mirror.”
He growled.
Seated in an armchair opposite him, holding Quinn’s hands while jiggling him on her knee, she asked, “Is he walking yet?”
“Nope.”
“Said any recognizable words?”
“Not that I’ve heard.”
“I thought he was getting close.” She fussed with Quinn’s fine hair. “Seems like ages since I’ve seen him.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Oh?” She still had eyes only for Quinn.
Regardless, Calder forged on. “First things first—I owe you an apology. Your confession scared me. I should’ve given it a while to sink in, thinking about the person you’ve become rather than giving you a knee-jerk reaction.”
She said nothing. Just sat there, holding Quinn’s hands, inspecting his little fingers.
“So I was thinking, with that out of the way, let’s get your gear packed and we’ll have you back in your old room in under an hour. My mom’s still here until the morning, so I’ll take both my girls out for a nice steak dinner. It’ll be fun.”
“Are you even listening to yourself? You sound like the one who may be drunk.”
“What’s that mean?” He sat forward, resting his elbows on his knees.
“It means you’re crazy if you think I want anything to do with you.”
“I know you don’t mean that, any more than I meant to send you away.”
“But you did.” Her pretty, green eyes welled with tears. “And it hurt.”
He slid off the sofa, shoved the coffee table aside to kneel before her for the second time that day. Taking her hands, he said, “I screwed up, okay? I’m sorry. But you have to understand how much you caught me off guard. Jail? Losing your child? Those are some pretty major bombs. What was I supposed to think?”
“I know it sounds bad—it was bad. But that’s not who I am anymore. I don’t like even thinking about those times, so why would I want to talk about them?”
“I get that, but can you understand my shock? I thought we were building something special.”
“We are—were.” She tried covering her face with her hands, but he still had hold of her and drew them down.
“Look at me.” He gave her what he hoped was a reassuring squeeze. “I’m sorry. You once asked me for a second chance and I denied you. Well, now it’s me needing your generosity, Pandora. Please, come back to my house. Without you...” He bowed his head. “It stopped feeling like a home. Please.”
After what seemed like a lifetime of waiting, she finally took a deep breath, then softly answered, “I’m sorry...but no.”
Chapter Thirteen
Pandora thrust Quinn at Calder, then dashed to the bathroom.
Emotions—ugly and raw—had balled in her chest, threatening her ability to breathe. Why did Calder affect her like this? Why had she given him so much power?
He banged on the door. “Pandora? Please, let me in.”
She wanted to—figuratively and literally.
“I ambushed you like I was storming an enemy camp. I didn’t mean it. You may not have noticed, but when it comes to women, I’m not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed.”
The fact that he’d even acknowledged such a thing softened her frustration. As for her heart? Where she’d once opened it wide for him, like a rose spreading its petals toward the sun, she was now emotionally exhausted. Torn down and beaten and more than a little confused.
“Forget I asked you to move back in with me—us. How about you come to dinner? Do me the honor of meeting my mom? We’ll figure out the rest from there.”
She turned to the door, curving her hand around the crystal knob. Forehead resting against the varnished wood planks, she searched her heart for an answer, but only found images of his smile after he’d taken his first bite of her late-night meat-loaf sandwich. Her mind’s eye saw him excited to witness her first time touching her toes in the Atlantic. She recalled how much fun they’d had painting her room and the kitchen. How patient he’d been when she’d needed his help that first day at the grocery store. How deeply he’d been touched his first time pushing Quinn on a swing. Most of all, she remembered that first kiss.
The kiss that even now she felt all the way from her tingling lips to her toes.
Against her better judgment, she turned the doorknob, letting Calder not only into the room but her heart.
He held Quinn, and his eyes were red rimmed as if he’d been crying. “Dinner?”
Swallowing her own tears, she nodded before drawing both her guys into a hug.
*
“I CAN’T TELL you how excited I am to finally me
et you.”
“I feel the same,” Pandora said. Calder’s mother’s sincerity showed in the strength of her hug. She’d gotten to the steak house ahead of Pandora and her son and grandson. “I’m sorry we weren’t able to meet in North Carolina.”
Calder’s mother looked to her son and scowled. “Me, too.”
Pandora held Quinn, who’d fallen asleep during the walk from the parking lot. She’d forgotten how good the simple act of holding him felt.
When Calder helped her ease into a booth, then slid in beside her, Pandora tried ignoring the warm tingles flooding through her from his lightest touch, but he was a hard man to ignore.
“Let me have him.” Calder took his sleepy boy, settling him into his detachable car-seat carrier.
Calder’s mom extended her hand across the table for Pandora to shake. “We’ve yet to be formally introduced. I’m Gloria.”
“Pandora,” she said with a laugh and easy smile. Something about the older woman put her instantly at ease. She had her son’s eyes, only in a wiser, more at-peace version.
“My guess is Quinn’s happy to see his favorite nanny.” Gloria took a blanket from the diaper bag Calder had set next to his son’s carrier, then draped it over the sleeping infant. “This is the first time I’ve seen him truly rest since I’ve been with him.”
“I missed him, too.” And his dad. But no way was Pandora admitting that.
The waitress came and went.
Small talk ebbed and flowed.
Only after dessert and coffee had been served did Gloria raise the evening’s stakes. While stirring cream into her coffee, she said, “I’m leaving first thing in the morning. Calder, since tomorrow’s Friday and you’re due back on base Monday, what are your plans for your son?”
“I’d hoped to have Pandora back home, but...” As his words trailed off, he ran his left pinkie along hers—just barely. It wouldn’t be noticeable to anyone but her. Pandora felt it low in her belly. Somersaults of pure heat rushed through her, robbing her of all rational thought. “She kinda turned me down.”
“Can’t say as I blame her.” Pandora was touched by Gloria’s understanding her point of view. “Only, as we discussed, my reasons are different from hers.” Turning to Pandora, she said, “For a moment, though, please humor me by considering an alternate offer from what Calder had in mind.”
“O-okay....” Pandora wasn’t sure what to think, but out of respect for her new friend, she’d be receptive to whatever Gloria proposed.
Hands clasped in front of her on the table, Gloria took a deep breath, slowly exhaled then smiled. “Here’s what I’m thinking. Pandora, the nature of Calder’s job means he has to have someone reliable in Quinn’s life. That said, as long as he’s in town, would you be amenable to watching Quinn solely during the day?”
“How much has your son told you about my past?”
“Everything.”
Lips pressed, Pandora nodded. Might as well lay it all on the table. “My last chance to regain legal custody of my daughter will be at a March court hearing. In preparation for that, I follow a strict set of guidelines that have been set for me by my Social Services caseworker.” Mouth dry, she sipped ice water. “Those guidelines include maintaining a permanent residence that will be suitable for my child, as well as keeping full-time employment.”
Calder asked, “Can’t you get both of those things with me?”
“Not on my terms.” Pandora would’ve preferred speaking with Calder about the issue in private, but now that it was out there, she wouldn’t back down. “As much as I’ve grown to love Quinn, my daughter is my primary goal. To get her back full-time, I have to be better than perfect—one hundred percent of the time. Until my hearing, I cannot—will not move from my current address. In the same respect, I can’t take the risk of you discovering something about me you don’t like and once again letting me go.”
“Don’t pull that.” He raised his palms as if intent on slamming them against the table, but then thought better of it and calmed himself before losing control. “Had you told me everything you went through right from the start, this whole thing might have played out differently.”
“Get over it. You can’t deny I ever gave Quinn anything but expert care. As for my private life—it’s private. The only reason I told you anything was because you made me feel as if I could trust you. Now I know those instincts were wrong. At this point, I can’t take any more chances on you, Calder—at least not before my custody hearing.”
Gloria appeared crestfallen. “Please, Pandora...”
“I said I wouldn’t take a chance on your son, but for your grandson?” She couldn’t help but smile. “I can’t get enough of him. I want to be there when he takes his first steps and says his first real words. What I propose is that Calder drop him off at the day care where I work each morning on his way to the base. I’ll personally care for Quinn, and honestly, I think he’d enjoy socializing with the other kids.” Hoping what she next proposed never came to pass, she said to Calder, “If you’re deployed before you find a suitable full-time nanny, I would be honored if you’d allow Quinn to stay with me, in my home, where I promise he’ll get the love and attention I wish I could give my own child.”
Wiping tears from her cheeks, Gloria said, “I don’t know about you, Calder, but that sounds like an ideal compromise to me.”
He nodded. “Thank you. I think that’ll work fine.”
After paying the bill, Gloria left for the restroom.
On their own, Calder fixed her with a stare of such intensity she felt as if he’d kissed her all over again, and just like the last time, her traitorous body liked it. “For the record, I’m hereby issuing you a promise that I’ll never again let you down.”
I want to believe you, her emotional side wanted to say, but the more rational part of her said, “I wish I could believe you.”
*
“THAT WENT WELL,” Gloria said from the sofa when he walked in the door with Quinn after taking Pandora home. “She’s a lovely girl. I see why you like her.”
He took Quinn from his carrier, holding him on his lap when he all but collapsed into the armchair. Damn, all this emotional stuff was tiring.
Having slept through dinner, Quinn was now wired. He squirmed until Calder set him on the carpet where he crawled to the coffee table and tugged himself up, giggling and shrieking the whole way.
“Glad you had fun.” He kicked off his Sperrys, then landed his feet atop the same table. “Personally, I thought it was a train wreck.”
“Because you had to compromise?” Gloria sipped wine from a juice glass.
“I apologized. Repeatedly. There’s not much else I can do.” The whole thing had exhausted him. He was seriously ready for bed, but with Quinn wide-awake and still needing his bath, Calder didn’t see sleep in his near future.
“Know what else you can do?” his mom asked. “Instead of just telling Pandora you’re sorry. Show her.”
“How?”
She tickled Quinn’s belly. “That’s something only you can decide.”
*
AFTER ENTERING HER apartment, Pandora closed and locked the door, then leaned against it
What a night—in many ways.
She couldn’t even begin processing the multitude of conflicting dynamics. Part of her had been downright giddy over once again holding Quinn in her arms. Meeting Gloria had been a joy, especially since her own mother was long since gone. But then there’d been Calder.
At times he’d been almost flirty, others defensive, others still powerfully persuasive.
It would’ve been so easy giving in to him, and she’d appreciated his apologies, but she wasn’t ready for more.
Would she ever be? Who knew?
Right now, her sole focus had to be Julia.
*
“DID YOU AT LEAST like his mom?” Natalie asked at the first yard sale of their Saturday morning. Pandora had already given her a play-by-play of how the evening had broken dow
n—skipping the part about Calder’s unfair tactics with his pinkie finger.
“A lot. Oh—and you should be hearing from Calder about him enrolling Quinn in the infant class.”
“Nope.” She flipped through a stack of CDs. “After what he did to you, I blackballed him.”
“I appreciate your mama lion instincts, but I’ll be the first to admit my past isn’t exactly popular résumé material. A part of me can’t fault Calder for being concerned as to who’s caring for his son. And why should Quinn be penalized? He deserves the best care.”
“You raise interesting points.” Holding out a CD, she asked, “What’re your thoughts on A Dean Martin Christmas?”
“Never too early to bring a touch of class to your holiday playlist.”
“Exactly.”
By lunchtime, Pandora had found two poppy-colored throw pillows for the living room couch, a fairly decent oil painting of a sunset she thought would look great over the mantel, more books and a gorgeous set of dishes. She’d even picked up an older-model TV for fifteen bucks.
Pandora said her goodbyes to Natalie, then returned home to arrange her purchases. After a shower, she fixed her hair in preparation for her three-o’clock visit with Julia. Their meeting time was later than usual, but she wasn’t complaining.
She’d just finished blow-drying her hair when a knock sounded on the door. She drew back the curtain to find Calder holding Quinn.
The moment the infant caught sight of her, he bucked and kicked, struggling to reach her.
She opened the door, took the baby then shot Calder a dirty look. “May I help you?”
“Sure hope so.” He held up a bag of groceries, then brushed past her as if he was a man on a mission. “Mom ended up not catching a flight till this morning, and since Quinn’s been mopey, I thought you might want to help cheer him up.”
“Where are you going?” She closed the door.
“To your kitchen. While you’re playing with the baby, I’m making my world-famous spaghetti.”
Hands on her hips, she cocked her head. “I wasn’t aware you know how to cook anything.”
“I don’t.” His wink and sexy slow grin had her regretting her earlier decision to steer clear of him. “Mom gave me her recipe. Can’t be too hard, right?”
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