The doorbell’s peal offended her ears.
Then came banging. “Pandora! I know you’re in there. Open the door!”
Calder?
“Go away!” It didn’t matter how many nights she’d spent on this same sofa, praying for him to safely come home. Now that he was here, she’d say new prayers for him to leave.
“Open the damn door or I’ll kick it in.”
“I said, go away!”
He made good on his promise—only her flimsy lock hadn’t needed much more than his powerful shoulder’s nudge.
Rushing to her, he fixed his eyes on the bottle. “Oh, no, baby. Please, tell me you’re not drinking again.”
Clinging to the bottle, she looked up at him with tears in her eyes. “I—I want to.”
He gently took the bottle from her, setting it on a side table. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you, but I am now. I heard what happened with Julia. We’ll fight this. There has to be a way.”
“I—I promised her,” she said with halting tears. “How many times can I let her down before she doesn’t even want to be with me?”
“She has to know this isn’t your fault.”
“I w-wanted to talk to her, but the judge wouldn’t let me. He said I was d-disorderly. B-but how would he feel if someone took his kid?”
Seated next to her, Calder lifted her onto his lap, holding her, cradling her, smoothing her hair. “We’ll figure this out. That’s a promise I’m making you. I wanted to wait for this, dream up some over-the-top surprise proposal—even ask Julia for her advice, but I say screw it. Let’s get married right away. Tonight. Then, first thing in the morning, we’ll get started on this as a united front.” He kissed her tear-stained cheeks. “I know some pretty big names. They get things done. Trust me, baby. We’ll get your daughter back.”
She wanted to believe the fairy tale he was spinning, but trusting him was what first landed her in trouble.
“I—I want to believe you, but I c-can’t.” Pushing off him, she strode to the other side of the room, hugging herself, wishing he’d go away. “I want to blame you for all this. You firing me, making me move—I want to say that’s what raised a red flag for the judge. But I’m a realist, Calder, and deep inside—” she patted her chest “—I know there’s no one to blame for any of this but myself. I should never have even thought I could take on the responsibility of becoming a full-time nanny. How could I have been so stupid as to think the judge wouldn’t have a problem with my holding that sort of position? And I should never have viewed working for you as anything more than a job. I shouldn’t have fallen in love with Quinn.”
“What about me?” Calder asked, striding her way, looking perilously handsome even in the shadows. “Did you fall in love with me, Pandora? Because I sure as hell feel that way about you.”
“No, you don’t,” she said with a violent shake of her head. “You’re in the business of saving people. You might think you love me, but all I am is one more mission for you to sweep in and fix. Nothing more. I wish I’d never even met you. Then I wouldn’t have gotten the stupid idea in my head that the two of us ever stood a chance.”
Calder had taken enough psychology courses in college to realize she didn’t mean what she said and was only pushing him away out of fear he’d leave her, but that didn’t make her hurtful words easier to bear.
He tried wrapping his arms around her, but she swatted him away. “Please, go. I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone. I’ll buck up, get my head back in a good place then return to court in six more months and once and for all get my little girl.”
“Okay. That’s a great plan. But why not let me help?”
“Don’t you see? I tried, Calder. I tried letting you in and it was a huge failure. Here you are, proposing marriage—in an incredibly lame, half-assed way—when what did we ever really share other than a few hot nights? You’re a stranger. A stranger I made the mistake of falling for, and look where that’s left me. For all I know, the only reason you even want me back is because you miss having a full-time sitter.”
“That’s B.S.” Calder clenched his teeth so hard a muscle ticked in his jaw, and he found himself well and truly at a loss for words. Though he didn’t just want her as an instant mom for Quinn, in other concerns, she was right. They did barely know each other. He’d never even learned the most basic facts—her favorite color or even her birthday.
What he had learned was that...you know when you know.
Calder had known Pandora was the woman for him all the way back from the day she’d literally saved his son’s life. He’d known back when she’d first come to live with him and Quinn and she’d made him that delicious meat-loaf sandwich in the middle of the night. Pandora hadn’t just saved Quinn but Calder, too. She’d taught him it was okay to commit. Because sometimes the people you love wind up loving you right back.
Only, where had all that newfound knowledge left him now?
“Calder, please,” Pandora said, “I’m begging. Leave me alone. I got into this mess on my own, and I’ll see my way out the same way. Whatever we shared, you know neither of us really meant it, so let’s just end it now before our lives grow any more messy.”
“You sure that’s what you want?” Though she refused to make eye contact, she nodded.
He didn’t have to be told twice.
Fighting his own tears, Calder granted Pandora’s wish.
Chapter Seventeen
When Calder left, Pandora went to the window, watching him go. Had she just made the best or worst decision of her life? Maybe he could have helped bring Julia home. But if he couldn’t? What if the judge perceived Calder’s attempts to help as meddling? Pandora couldn’t take the risk.
Without her jacket, Pandora grabbed her keys and purse.
She needed to get out of here. Speak to someone she trusted before making a grave mistake.
You don’t trust Calder?
The real issue was not trusting herself around Calder.
It’d be so easy to lose herself to him. To abandon her every trouble, welcoming him to find solutions, but in the end, what would that say about her? She’d clawed her way from the edge of sanity to finally be in control. She couldn’t come this far only to surrender to a man who may or may not stick around.
Her hands trembled so badly she had a hard time inserting her keys into the ignition.
Finally, she managed to get her car started, then she drove straight to Natalie.
“Get in here,” her friend said when Pandora stood shivering at her front door.
To save money on utilities, Pandora had kept her heat low. Entering Natalie’s home was what she’d always imagined the tropics must be. Balmy and serene—only with reggae playing instead of the latest TV ad from a Virginia Beach Chevy dealer blaring.
Natalie wrapped an afghan around Pandora’s shoulders, ushering her to the sofa. “What’s wrong?”
Tears began anew. “C-Calder’s home. H-he asked me to marry him, but I can’t. I have to stay strong to get Julia back. But to do that, I have to pull myself together.” Covering her face with her hands, she admitted, “I can’t eat or sleep. I’m so scared I’ll never get Julia back.”
“Calm down,” Natalie urged. “I didn’t want to say anything until we have a firm answer, but Anna and I, along with Lila and Martin and Gloria and Harold, have all chipped in to hire a really good lawyer who specializes in your type of case. We just need a smidge more money for his retainer, then—”
“No,” Pandora said. “Please, don’t give the judge any more cause to be upset. I need him to know I’m a good mom.”
“You are,” Natalie said. “You’ve learned your lesson. Everyone who loves you and has watched you grow into the woman you are today is ready for you to finally receive your ultimate reward—Julia.”
“I will.” Nodding, Pandora knew she would one day bring Julia home. She wouldn’t have been able to survive without that core belief. “But look, I didn’t come here to form some cra
zy takeover plan. I’m mortified by what happened in court. From here on out, I have to be perfect. I can’t give that judge reason to believe I’m anything other than a textbook mom.”
“That’s all well and good,” Natalie said, “but there’s one problem.”
“What’s that?” Pandora sniffled.
“Outside of governmental guideline handbooks, I’m reasonably sure parental perfection doesn’t exist. Parents make mistakes—granted, you made some doozies, but lucky for you, kids are resilient. Their most basic need is love. As long as you’ve got that covered, the rest will fall into place.”
“Swell, but it doesn’t change the fact that whether there’s such a thing as a perfect parent or not, that’s the standard I’m being held to.”
*
CALDER SHOULD’VE GONE home after his blowout with Pandora, but knowing Quinn was no doubt in bed, as well as his parents, he wanted to kick back with his friends and a pitcher or two of beer. But then, how could he really even enjoy that, knowing alcohol sure as hell hadn’t solved any of Pandora’s problems?
Tipsea’s was one of the last few places where a man could smoke in Norfolk, and Calder bought himself a cigar and two shots of whiskey at the bar. He’d seen the bottle at Pandora’s and had fought a craving ever since. If he’d been with her, of course he’d have abstained, but since she’d booted him out on his ass, he figured why not get rip-roaring drunk?
What did he have to lose, anyway?
When it came to Pandora, everything was already lost.
“You’re the last person I expected to see,” Mason said.
Cooper trailed behind. “Why aren’t you with Pandora and Quinn?”
“Kid’s asleep and my woman dumped me.” Calder signaled the barkeep for another shot.
“No way.” Mason took the stool alongside him. “Thought you were about to propose.”
“Me, too. But then I found out the court hearing for her to get her kid didn’t go so great, and the night went downhill from there.”
“Sure she’s not just hurt and overreacting?” Cooper suggested.
Mason laughed. “Who appointed you the sensitivity police?”
“Shut up.” Turning to Calder, Cooper said, “From the looks of you two at Thanksgiving, you were the real deal. Guess all I’m sayin’ is I wouldn’t just give up.”
Calder clipped off the end of his cigar, then lit it. “Thank you, sir. I shall take that sage advice under advisement. Until then...” He raised his latest shot. “Let’s toast to having the best damn night this side of Kandahar!”
*
IT WAS PUSHING 4:00 a.m. by the time Calder was sober enough to drive. He thought he was sneaking into the house, but as though he’d been caught in a time warp that had zapped him back to high school, his mom sat in the living room, awaiting his arrival.
“Big night out?” she asked, resting one of Pandora’s old paperbacks on her lap.
“It was all right.”
“Thought you were going to see Pandora.”
“I did.” He raked his fingers through his hair.
“And?”
Sighing, he said, “I don’t mean to put you off, but it’s been a seriously long day and I’m ready for bed.” He headed for his room.
“Harold’s in there. He snores so loud we’ve been sleeping separately. I set up camp in Pandora’s old room.”
“Where am I sleeping?”
His mom patted the couch.
He groaned. “Seriously?”
“We assumed you’d be staying with Pandora. We didn’t just fall off the turnip truck, you know. We are acquainted with the birds and bees.”
Blanching, he said, “Last thing I want to talk about with you is my sex life.”
“Or lack thereof?” She laughed. “Why does everything seem so funny this late at night?”
He just shook his head.
“So really, what happened at Pandora’s? She doesn’t blame you for what happened in court, does she?”
“No.” He sat hard on the sofa and scratched his head. “Mom, I opened up to her. I said we should get married, hire the best attorneys and tackle this thing together. But she’s got a mile-long stubborn streak and insists on getting Julia back on her own.”
“I meant to mention this to you earlier, but you ran out of here so fast I didn’t have a chance. Pandora’s friend Natalie has taken up a legal-fund collection. She planned on asking you to join as soon as you got back. What do you think?”
Sighing, he said what he most feared. “I think whatever demons Pandora’s got inside won’t let her accept what she deems charity. She takes full responsibility for the person she once was, and as such, seems to feel she’s the only one who can bring Julia back into her life.”
“The whole thing is awful. She’s paid her dues and then some. Do you know she only spent six weeks in jail before being selected for the program that eventually helped turn her life around? I can’t imagine how many parents drink themselves silly every night, yet they don’t lose their children.”
I was exactly that kind of parent tonight.
Calder asked, “What chance do you think we’d have of secretly helping her? Think the lawyer would talk to just us?”
“Seems to me we’ll never know unless we ask.”
*
“BUT, MOMMY, WHY?” Julia asked on Pandora’s first visit since losing her case. They cuddled together on the visitation room couch. Pandora had been reading, but Julia soon tired of that and instead wanted to talk. “You promised I could come home with you.”
“I know, sweetie.” Never had Pandora fought harder to maintain a bright smile. “But look at it this way, now you get to stay with Mom Cindy a little while longer. You like her, don’t you?”
She hung her head. “Yeah, but not as much as you. She doesn’t check around my bed for spiders.”
“I’ll bet if you asked, she would.”
Julia said, “I guess. But I wanted to see my new room. And where’s Quinn? Can’t you bring him to visit?”
Where did Pandora begin to explain what had happened between her and Quinn’s dad? How she’d give anything if whatever she and Calder shared could’ve worked? But it hadn’t. And if she were honest with herself, Pandora had known from the start it wouldn’t.
Men like Calder didn’t fall for disasters like her.
“Mommy?”
“Yes?”
“Why does that judge hate us?” The knot in Pandora’s throat threatened to seal off her vocal cords.
“Sweetie, he doesn’t hate us—especially not you.” She swept hair from in front of her daughter’s eyes, tucking it behind her ears. “Remember how I told you I made bad mistakes?”
“Uh-huh....”
“Well, like when you do something naughty at school and need a time-out—”
Julia looked up. “I’m never bad at school.”
“Okay, well, you know how some kids are bad at school? And they get in trouble, but then everything’s okay? Well, the judge says I’m still in trouble.”
“But it’s been a long time. I’m tired of you being in detention.” Her daughter snuggled closer. “Please, take me home with you. I don’t like coming here.”
In her peripheral vision, Pandora caught the woman supervising their visit jotting something in her notebook.
Her stomach sank.
*
WEEKS PASSED.
Each day when Calder brought Quinn to the day care and then returned to pick up his son, Pandora scurried to avoid him. She dashed for the bathroom or ducked into the supply closet. The few times he’d caught her off guard, she’d found herself instantly overcome by sadness and grief and the kind of longing that stemmed from knowing she’d once almost had something special but had lost it.
Luckily, today she’d made it to the janitor’s closet in the nick of time.
She stood in the dark, slowly counting to five hundred, which she figured should be a reasonable enough time for Calder to be on his way.
Finished, she opened the door to find him there, facing her with his hands tucked in his pockets.
“How long are you planning on playing this game, Pandora?”
“I—I don’t know what you mean.” She fussed with her hair, certain after playing with the kids all day she must be a mess.
“Can you honestly tell me you’re better off without me? That you don’t think about how great the two of us could’ve been?”
“Calder, please....” She looked at her chipped nail polish.
“Please, what? Hold you? Kiss you?” He’d stepped close enough for his warm breath to fan her cheeks. He smelled of the chocolate-chip cookies Pandora had baked for the front entry’s reception counter.
She notched her chin higher. “I meant, please go.” Before I lose my last shred of resistance where you’re concerned. Did he have any idea how many nights she’d lain awake, staring at her ceiling, struggling with her decision to let him go? Of course, she’d done the right thing. Her sole focus in life must be centered on getting her daughter back. But every once in a while, on particularly cold, blustery nights, her thoughts drifted to him. That one magical night he’d held her, and how for those precious few hours everything had seemed okay.
“Today,” he said with a funny smile she couldn’t recall ever having seen, “I’ll do as you ask, but one of these days, Pandora, you’re going to be begging me to stay.”
Unable to meet his intense gaze, she looked at her feet, mumbling, “Please, Calder, no more teasing. You really need to go.”
*
CONTACTING A HIGH-PRICED attorney had only gotten Calder so far. To achieve the results he truly needed, he’d have to call in the big guns, which is why he now sat somewhere he never thought he would—in one of the base commander’s two burgundy leather guest chairs.
“As a matter of fact, I do know someone who may be able to help.” The white-haired man spun his enormous old-school Rolodex, stopping it on the Ts. “Let me see....” He fingered through card after card. “Ah—here he is. Old buddy of mine from Annapolis. Thought he might be SEAL material, but he broke his leg skiing in Vermont and that was that. Glorious career down the tubes before it even started. Anyway, give him a call, explain your situation. He’s the type who gets things done.”
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