Jess Michaels

by Sin Collection

  His nostrils flared, but he kept his expression emotionless. He didn’t believe their wager was just about winning back what she’d lost. There was more to it. And today he was going to find out what.

  “Is there some reason you so desperately need your money back?”

  For a moment, she only stared at him, then she rose to her feet with deliberate slowness and came across the room. The shimmy of her hips was seductive, as was the smile on her face. Hawk’s traitorous body reacted despite his best efforts to remain focused.

  Only one thing kept his mind off the throbbing demands of his erect cock. All the trust Bianca had put in him since her attack was gone. She had returned to using her body as a weapon the instant he pushed her too far.

  “Desperate?” She glided her fingers across his cheek and heat whooshed from the point of contact through his body. “There’s only one thing I’m desperate for when it comes to you. And it isn’t money.”

  Hawk’s body throbbed and it took every bit of mental strength for him not to turn his cheek into her palm and pull her against his chest.

  “Bianca, there must be more to it.”

  Her lips pursed. “Why must you ask such tedious questions? Isn’t there something better we could be doing?”

  He reeled away. The fact that she would use his attraction like that put a bitter taste in his mouth. It seemed to prove Landon’s point exactly.

  “I want to do this,” he snapped. “I want the truth.”

  “The truth about what, Hawk?” she asked, as peevishly as he had answered.

  “Why now? Why did you suddenly come to me now? And don’t tell me you suddenly wanted your money back. I know you could survive nicely here in London without what I won from you. Even if you couldn’t, we have been gaming together in the hells for half a year without you coming to me for a side wager.”

  She opened her mouth, but he cut her off. Every word he said convinced him more and more.

  “And this isn’t about pure desire, either. If what you wanted was me, you could have approached me any time after your mourning period was over. Something drove you to make this bargain at this moment in time. Something that had nothing to do with me or our card games in the hells.”

  Bianca no longer tried to cover her emotions. Her face darkened to hot red and her breath came short. “Hawk.” She said his name as both a plea and a warning.

  He had no choice but to ignore both. “Tell me, Bianca. Tell me the truth.”

  She turned her face as if he’d slapped her and for a moment, she said nothing. Then her voice came, wavering and so low he had to strain to hear her.

  “My father is the reason,” she whispered. “He’s finally grown tired of my antics.”

  Hawk stiffened. It was as his brother said.

  She sighed, heavy and defeated. “A few weeks ago, he threatened to have me declared unfit and force my return to his home and care.”

  Hawk’s anger was forgotten for a moment as he drew in a sharp breath. “Declared unfit? My God, Bianca, why didn’t you tell me? I would have helped you. I could have intervened on your behalf.”

  She shook her head. “I would have been beholden to you, then.”

  Hawk reeled back at the sharp pain that accompanied her statement. “Beholden,” he repeated in a monotone voice.

  “Yes.” She let her head dip down to stare at the floor. “Even if you had known the truth, you couldn’t help me. Unless I’m out of his reach, he’ll use the courts to bring me back under his protection. But if my fortune is returned to me, at least I have some options of recourse without becoming dependent on anyone.” Her eyes glittered as they met his. “Even you.”

  Hawk’s mouth thinned as harsh emotions overflowed in him. Anger and hurt were at the forefront, threatening to take over. It wasn’t just that she’d lied, it was that she didn’t trust him enough to share her troubles. She didn’t think she could depend on him. Nor did she want to.

  For the first time, Hawk realized how much he wished she would depend on him. That she wanted him more than she craved her independence.

  “And what would you do with your money once you have it back?” he asked in a cold tone that made her wince. Good. If he was hurting, he wanted her to feel the same stab.

  She hesitated. “It-it doesn’t matter, does it?”

  “It does matter,” he said as he resisted the urge to reach out and touch her. “It matters to me since you’re using me to get your fortune back.”

  “I’m not using you!” she gasped. Her hands came up to cover her breast, but now Hawk wondered if she was truly shocked and hurt by his accusation or just playing into his emotions as his brother had claimed.

  “What will you do?” He accentuated each word.

  Her frown deepened. “I’ll leave,” she admitted quietly. “I have friends on the continent who will take me in. My father won’t be able to reach me if I’m no longer in England.”

  Hawk’s world silently shattered around him as he stood blinking at her. “You’ll go?”

  For a moment her face crumpled with pain, but she shook the emotions away and bravely met his eyes. In them he saw so many tangled feelings, some the same as the tortuous ones that wracked him. But they weren’t enough. Not enough to trust him. Not enough to stay.

  When she reached out her hand, Hawk yanked away from her touch. He was too raw, too angry and pained to let her comfort him, even though those were ridiculous reactions. She had never promised her heart to him. He’d never asked for it.

  He’d sworn he didn’t want it.

  He paced the room in growing anger. Anger at himself for letting his heart lead him and angry at her for using his body and his emotions to get what she wanted.

  “We should have made a better deal, then. Instead of making this wager where you still have a chance of losing your fortune, you should have simply sold yourself to me,” he snapped. The words were ugly, but he couldn’t stop himself from lashing out.

  It worked. Bianca’s eyes darkened with hurt. “Hawk.”

  “You’ve earned at least half your precious money back through services rendered. Would you like to earn some more?” He hated himself for every pointed word, but the rush of pain was so loud in his ears he couldn’t stop.

  “Please,” she whispered as she finally managed to catch his arm. Her hand held him fast and she looked up at him with teary eyes. “Don’t do this.”

  “Why not?” he snapped as he snatched her hand away from his arm and placed it between his legs. “You’ve been pleading with me to let you touch me. Please me. Do it and you’ll earn… what is it worth, Bianca? A few hundred pounds. From the few times you’ve had me in your mouth, you’ve been awfully good. Perhaps a thousand pounds.”

  “I was never trying to hurt you. I don’t know how I have, but I am sorry.” Her voice broke and his heart broke with it.

  “Thank you, but I don’t want your pity,” he said softly as he turned away from the pain he’d caused her. The pain he caused himself by letting her into his life, not just his bed.

  She stared at him with tears glimmering. He shut his eyes. He could no longer separate her true feelings from the emotions used for manipulation.

  And he could no longer keep his own emotions from revealing too much of his heart.

  A sigh shuddered from Bianca’s lips. “Perhaps this wager was a mistake, Hawk. I can’t cause either of us such pain any longer. I’ll-I’ll just need to leave.”

  Hawk gripped his hands into fists as he spun on her with eyes wide. “Leave? You mean go back home? It isn’t safe!”

  She turned away with a sigh. “No, Hawk. Not go back home. I mean leave the country. I mean go to the continent now.”

  ***

  Bianca couldn’t believe the words had come out of her mouth with such little emotion when her heart was pounding wildly and her head spinning with thoughts and feelings. She didn’t want to leave. Not her home and not Hawk. But seeing his hurt, knowing she had driven him to say such cruel thin
gs, things that were against his nature, it filled her with guilt and regrets.

  Their wager was meant to be about pure carnal bliss. Not pain. And not the other emotions that clouded her judgment and kept her from maintaining control over the situation. Emotions she feared to name.

  Not love. She couldn’t love Hawk. She knew him too well. When she came to him, he wanted her as a prize, as his mistress. If she surrendered to that, it wouldn’t keep her father from fulfilling his promise. And it wouldn’t keep Hawk from boring of her. She had felt the pain of loss when a man no longer desired her. She couldn’t bare it again, especially not with Hawk.

  If she stayed, her life would be over. She couldn’t let that happen.

  So she didn’t have any other choices.

  “I’m sorry, Hawk,” she whispered as she turned for the door.

  He caught her by the shoulders and spun her back to face him. His breath was short and his eyes wild with desperation.

  “You can’t leave! The wager was for a month. There are still a few days left. If you leave, you forfeit the game and become my mistress.”

  She tried to hold back a sob, but couldn’t. Tears slipped down her face as she extracted herself from his grip and gently cupped his face. “Hawk, can’t you see? We’re at an impasse. I cannot surrender to you. I can’t lose. I will do anything to keep my father from declaring me unfit and taking away my freedom and independence.”

  “Even if it means letting me go?”

  She jolted. The way he talked, it was as if she meant something more to him than just a month of exhilarating sex. But that couldn’t be true. Hawk had never loved anyone. He wanted to win.

  “Yes, Hawk. Even if that means losing you.”

  His face twitched as the color drained from it. “Tell me you want to stay and I’ll protect you.”

  She shook her head. “Stay as your mistress like we agreed upon in our wager? You can’t protect me legally if I’m in that position.” She tried to pull away but he held her, not hurting her, but keeping her so close that his body heat enveloped her. She could almost hear the beat of his heart. “Please,” she whispered. “I can’t surrender and let you win this wager. I cannot bend to your will.”

  He growled in frustration. “And I will not bend to yours.” He gave her a small shake. “I won’t see you leave. I can’t. I care for you.”

  Bianca’s heart leapt at his admission. The words filled her to her very soul, but only for a moment. Then reality struck her and a small anger began to grow from the pit of her stomach. “I-I don’t believe you.”

  Hawk yanked his hands away and stumbled back, stunned. “What?”

  She set her jaw, torn between the anger alive in her and the ache at seeing him so hurt. “You heard me.”

  “How can you say that? You know I do not declare feelings I don’t have!” he asked in a deceptively low tone.

  “Wouldn’t you to win a bet?” she whispered. “I know your bluffs, I’ve fallen prey to them before. I fear this is one of them.”

  “A bluff?” he repeated in an empty voice.

  “You claim to care for me, but where were you in the last year? If you had come to me after my mourning period passed, I would have given myself to you. But you didn’t. Our one association was a flirtation in the hells. At the end of the night, I watched you go home with your other women. Only now, when you fear you’re losing control of the situation, do you claim to have feelings. How am I to believe you?”

  He turned away and stumbled to the window as he ran a hand through his tangled hair. “You don’t understand.”

  “No, I don’t,” she choked out. “That is why it’s better if I go. Before either one of us gets hurt even more than we already have been. Before this affair becomes a bitter memory rather than a happy one.”

  He turned back and his eyes were haggard and wild. “Do you know how long I’ve wanted you?”

  “Hawk, we can’t-”

  He ignored her. “Since your engagement party to Oscar, nearly five years ago.”

  Her protests died on her lips as she stared at him in utter shock. “Five years?”

  “Yes.” He sank into a chair as if his legs had given way. “I came home from months at sea to find my best friend engaged. I railed on him about surrendering to the siren’s call of the debutantes, but from the moment I met you, I knew. My God, you could make me hard just by looking at you, just by saying hello. Getting to know you only made the situation worse. Every time I came to your home, I wanted to taste you. Every time you laughed, I wanted to bend you over a chair and make you scream beneath me.”

  Bianca couldn’t draw enough breath. She had felt the same way. From the moment she saw Hawk, she’d wanted him. And no matter how she tried to erase those desires, they flooded back the moment he entered a room. She’d never imagined he harbored the same lust all this time.

  “I didn’t know,” she whispered.

  “Oscar did.” Hawk covered his face with his hands. “He didn’t like it, no matter how willing he was to share you with other men. He told me to leave you be.”

  He was on his feet in one sudden motion and began to pace the room. “Every time I saw him with one of his mistresses, we tangled. And every time I talked to you alone at a ball or in a parlor, we nearly came to blows.”

  “You fought over… over me?” Her mind reeled. “But you seemed so close.”

  He laughed bitterly. “Because after we beat each other to bloody pulps, we always apologized. And yet, it didn’t change anything. After a few weeks we were back in the same situation. Me longing for what I couldn’t have and him protecting what he didn’t cherish.”

  She covered her sob with her hand. “I’m sorry. So sorry. I never meant to come between you.”

  Hawk snapped his head up and locked eyes with her. For a moment, she thought he would come to her, comfort her. She longed for his arms around her, but instead, he stayed where he was. As if he remembered she was a taboo now that he’d spoken Oscar’s name.

  “Don’t cry. I can’t stand for you to cry. Not until you know everything.”

  Something about his voice made her throat close. “There’s more?”

  “So much more,” he said softly as he leaned one hand on the mantel as if it was the only thing keeping him upright. “The arguments over you escalated as the years went by. One day at our club, we started in while fencing. The argument got loud and rough and Oscar ended up stabbing me.”

  Bianca sank into a chair with a gasp of horror. She could think of nothing to say about that shocking news, so she murmured, “Hawk, oh Hawk!”

  “It wasn’t a serious wound, though it could have been had Oscar stabbed a little lower.” He raised his hand to his chest as if reliving the pain. “Once he saw the blood, he felt terrible. But I planned to race the next day and was in no condition to handle a horse or a rig. So he-”

  Lightheaded nausea flashed through Bianca as she raised her trembling hand to cover her lips. “Oscar took your place in the race as an apology for your fight,” she whispered, barely recognizing her broken voice.

  He nodded slowly. “And died when his rig flipped over. Because I wanted you, we fought. And because we fought, he died.” Hawk sighed out a shaky breath. “Do you know what my first thought was when I heard of his passing?”

  She shook her head slowly.

  “It wasn’t guilt or grief. Bianca, my first thought was that you were free. That you could be mine. And that is why I didn’t pursue you.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Bianca got to her feet with a wobbling jerk. Her face was so ashen gray she looked as if she would faint dead away. Holding out a hand to steady her, Hawk crossed the room, but she warded him off with a wave of her wrist.

  “No. No,” she gasped as she weaved toward the parlor door on unsteady legs.

  Hawk’s heart splintered to see her so overwrought and yet he expected nothing else. He had killed her husband, as much as if he’d shot Oscar at point blank range. Now that she knew,
there was no way he could ever have a place in her life or her soul. Losing that chance burned like fire in his gut.

  “Please, Bianca,” he whispered as she grabbed for the doorknob. She missed the first time, but the second time she gripped it in both hands and managed to yank it open. At his plea, she came to a wobbling stop.

  “Just… don’t.” She looked at him over her shoulder through red-rimmed eyes that seemed to see through him. “Please don’t.”

  Hawk stared at her for a moment, memorizing how beautiful she was and trying to remember every single moment that they had shared in that instant. Then he gave her a stiff bow and backed away. “I-I apologize.”

  She didn’t respond as she walked out and shut the door. Hawk sank into the closest chair. He had never felt so bereft. Not at his father’s grave, nor his best friend’s. Today he had truly lost something.

  Covering his face, he tried to pull himself together. Tried to tell himself losing Bianca didn’t matter. That it had all been a game, after all.

  But he couldn’t.

  “My God, Bianca, I love you,” he moaned into the muffling warmth of his hands. “I have always loved you.”

  ***

  Bianca took deep, calming breaths. As she entered the quiet of St. James Park, her stumbling steps slowly transformed to regular walking. Her mind was so clouded by twisted thoughts and powerful emotions she hardly remembered slipping out of Hawk’s home and making her way through London’s crowded streets to the serene oasis of grass and trees.

  Her mind overflowed from the shock Hawk dropped into her life. Nothing she knew seemed true anymore and she struggled to make sense of the news.

  Oscar had died because he’d fought with Hawk over her. Fought so hard they actually caused each other physical injury. Yet, their friendship had been strong enough to survive.

  Only her husband hadn’t. And with his death, her life changed irrevocably.

  In the parlor, Hawk said the accident was his fault. She could still see the pain and guilt in his eyes and the ache in her soul deepened. But she hadn’t been able to go to him, comfort him because of one truth. One painful truth became stunningly clear as she heard his confession in the parlor. Oscar’s death was her fault.