Jolene smiles. "Like I said, you're a sweetheart." She clears her throat and folds her arms across her chest. "I know I've already told you this, but I just wanted to tell you again how grateful I am you let us join you. You're giving us a chance to live and that's all any of us can hope for right now."
I shift my feet and look away briefly. I've never been good at accepting praise from someone. I don't like the feeling. Some crave the attention the spotlight gives, while others, like me, would rather recede behind the curtain. "Glad to have you. And I think it's worked out well for the both of us," I reply, hoping to leave it at that.
She continues to stare at me with serious eyes though, and I know she’s not finished. "We both know you would have been better off without us. And I know not everyone liked your decision. But you gave us a chance anyway, despite so many reasons not to." Her voice is raw, emotional, and I can tell she's getting a little choked up.
"You alright?" I ask awkwardly, unsure of what else I should do.
She shakes her head, a smile back in place, despite the wetness in her eyes. "Yeah. I'm fine," she assures me. "I'm just really grateful is all. And I wanted you to know it."
Her words are heartfelt, and it pulls on my own emotions. I swallow a lump in my throat before speaking again. "You're welcome," I say. "But I think you need to give yourself more credit. You're strong, so is Eli. Trust me when I say we're going to need it."
She smiles and reaches to squeeze my hand once, before joining Cali and Grace at the fire. I watch as the girls show off their bouquet's, motioning toward me. Jolene said she was grateful for my decision, and seeing her and Cali's smiling faces makes me grateful for the choice as well. I feel arms wrap around my waist and a warm body against my back. "I've been waiting all day for this," she tells me.
I laugh. "Been fantasizing all day about me, huh?" I tease.
"Actually, I've been fantasizing about Olive Garden's never ending pasta bowl, but I'll settle for this."
"I’ll take it. But if we come across an Olive Garden I guess I'd better be prepared to be left out in the cold."
"At least you were warned," she says.
"I see how it is. You just better hope there's not a steak house between here and home." She reaches up and tweaks my nipple. I yelp out loud, and she laughs behind me. "Did you just twist my nipple?" I ask, unsure where the hell that came from.
"I did," she confirms.
"Why, exactly?" I can feel her shoulders rise in a shrug behind me. "Didn't like your joke," she says.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
I turn around and pull her close. I lean down, my lips hovering just above hers. "How do you like me now?"
She smiles. "Your breath smells like onion, but you're not too shabby," she replies.
"You're not too shabby yourself, McCoy. Not too shabby at all," I say before closing the gap between us. We break apart and I rest my forehead against hers. "Now that's what I've been waiting for all day," I whisper.
` I wish Lauren goodnight a couple hours later and join Eli for our watch, the taste of her lips still lingering on mine. "Can you see alright, Morgan?" he asks after a while.
"Yeah, why?" I ask, straining my eyes as I peer into the woods around us, afraid I've missed something. We're once again nearing areas of larger populations, the outlying area of Lake City and Creede. We haven't been anywhere near a town since Salida, and our experience has taught us the closer we get to towns, the more activity will be on the trail. We've haven't seen anyone aside for ourselves all day, but that doesn't mean nobody else is out here.
"I don't know," Eli says. "Just thought it might be kinda hard with all those little cartoon hearts dancing across your eyes."
Eli's humor is so dry, it takes me a minute to get it. I shake my head, though I'm amused. "A joke, Eli?" I ask. "I didn't know you had it in you."
"I'm full of em', you just don't get my sense of humor," he says.
"You're definitely right on that," I laugh. Eli laughs as well, and I swear his laugh is the funniest thing about him, making me laugh harder. "I am in love with her though Eli," I admit when I've settled back down. "I had no idea you could feel like this."
Eli doesn't reply right away, weighing his words as always. "Love is a volatile thing. Great at times, terrible at others, with the power to both lift you higher and drag you lower than you could ever reach on your own."
His words confuse me. "I don't understand."
He lets loose a long breath. "I've been married for fourteen years now, Morgan. And in that time, I've been happier than I ever thought possible. Those first few years were like a dream, everything fresh and new and exciting. Good job, beautiful wife, house only a fifteen-minute walk to the beach and boardwalk. And then Mark and Cali were born, and I can't even describe how it felt to hold them in my arms for the first time. Things were good, Morgan. Better than I could ever have hoped for."
"But we've also been through some dark days. About ten years ago, we came very close to losing our house. The economy was in the toilet. Jolene got laid off, work was slow for me, and we were stuck paying a mortgage that cost more than our house was worth. There were some nights when we couldn't afford more than a packet of Ramen each, and others when even that was out of reach. Bad times, Morgan. Nothing compared to now, but definitely bad."
"When you love someone, when the only thing that matters to you is taking care of them and giving them everything they deserve... it's crushing when those things are out of your control. Fear isn’t in its purest form staring down the barrel of a gun, but seeing it pointed in the faces of those you love most, and knowing there's not a damn thing you can do to stop it."
Eli stops and looks away abruptly, although his shaking shoulders and stifled sobs let me know he’s been overcome with emotion. I sit quietly a minute or so till he’s worked it out of his system. When he continues, his voice comes out thick, layered with pain and regret. "I think deep down that's why I chose to join Clint's gang in the first place. I'm not trying to make excuses for what I did. I made those choices, and my soul will bear the things I did till the day I die. But when the pulse hit and I looked into Jolene's eyes, I saw that same look I saw a decade ago: that lost and desperate fear. We were stranded half a country from home. No food. No friends. Nothing. So when Clint came I didn't hesitate, I jumped at the chance because at that point I truly believed keeping them alive was worth any price to be paid. But I was wrong. I know now that there comes a point when living by any means is worse than death."
"I'm just..." he pauses, wipes his eyes and takes a moment to steady himself. He turns to face me, to look me in the eye. "I'm just so fucking thankful you're the man you are. If you weren't...I don't even want to think of how things might have turned out."
First Jolene, and now Eli? I understand the gratitude, but hearing it a second time is slightly overwhelming. His words leave a sting behind my eyes I fight back. I clear my throat, but it takes me a moment to find my voice. "So love will lift you up, and drag you down?" I ask, forcing a strangled laugh.
"Yeah," he says, forcing out a laugh of his own. "But in the end, a single moment at its highest peak is worth any valley along the path."
I feel my heart swell. I have so much love for so many people: for my friends, for my family, for the girl I thank God every day for sending me. And now, it seems, the family of four who travel on this path beside me. I just hope the peak of which he speaks is spectacular, high above the clouds, sun bright and warm against my face, and a cool breeze flowing through my hair. And for the weight of all this love, not be more than I can bear.
I wake to violent claps of thunder. Boom, boom, boom, they go off one after another. Lightning flashes white and hot through the tent walls, briefly bringing light to the darkness. I check my watch and lay my head back down, determined to milk as much sleep as I can before daybreak. Another crack of thunder reaches my ears, but it's not the only sound to do so. I’m up and scrambling to unzip the tent flap a heartbeat la
ter. I strain my ears; listening, listening, and then I hear it again.
"Wake up, Lee. Something’s wrong!" I yell. He wakes with a jerk, his fists rising as if warding off an attack. I've already hauled on my shoes and have the AR swung around my neck by the time he reaches to do the same. I emerge from the tent and spot Emily running my way, another flash of lightning acting as a spotlight on her terror streaked face. "Everyone up!" I yell as loud as I can. "Up, up, up!"
Emily skids to a halt before me and I reach out a hand to steady her. "What's wrong?" I ask, scanning behind her for threats, for Felix, anything. She's winded, and when she speaks the words come out breathless. "Fire...close...gaining fast."
No sooner do the words leave her mouth that I recognize the tang of woodsmoke in the air. "Where's Felix?"
She points behind her. "Small hill...climbed a tree." It's all the direction I need. I take off at a dead sprint, shouting for her to pack up camp and wake the others. I can't see where I'm going, but my feet are sure. I yell Felix's name as I near the hill and hear him call to my left. I'm only halfway up when I see him quickly scurrying down a tall tree and free fall the last five feet. "Fire's two miles away at best," he says as he reaches me. "It's gaining quick, though. Too damn dry. There's a highway a few miles off. Trail guide said there's a creek running up along it. We gotta get there, it's our best shot at a firebreak."
When we reach level ground we take off at a sprint toward camp which has come alive in a frenzied hurry to pack our belongings. For the first time having nothing much outside of guns and ammo feels like a blessing, as it takes only minutes to pack and hit the trail. We set off at a brisk pace, power walking toward the highway. For some reason that's the phrase that gets caught in my head: power walk, reminding me of middle aged ladies in polyester sportswear, ponytails bobbing, sweat bands across their foreheads, arms pumping and legs marching hurriedly as if they're in desperate need of a toilet. I have the bizarre urge to laugh despite everything. Strange how the mind will distract itself even in the most serious of circumstances.
The smoke reaches us, surrounding us in a hot and suffocating bog. We soak strips of t-shirts in water and tie them around our faces as makeshift breathing masks, but the smoke still finds its way through. Someone starts to cough, and soon we all are: our lungs screaming for oxygen but only finding smoke. The trees give way to a meadow of tall grass, but the fire is relentless in its pursuit, leapfrogging its way till it’s at our heels, turning our strides into a run. The back of my neck grows hot and wafts of scorched air hit my back like needles. Bits of fire drift up ahead of us, igniting patches of grass into fiery clusters which we must navigate. The flames circle closer, smothering us in a wall of heat, prickling my skin like sunburn.
I chance a look behind us and through a gap of flames I spot the sun, fiery red through the dark smoke, and all I can think is this will be the last glimpse of it I'll ever see. The thought takes root, and though I'm still pumping my legs for all their worth, and I feel the smoke's burning ache in my chest, the only thing I can dwell on is of all the ways to die; of all the times along the trail it might have happened—a broken skull from Baseball Bat, a shot in the dark by Clint's gang, an execution in Salida, this is the way it ends—the only naturally occurring event since this all began.
We are in complete disarray at this point. Nobody leads us, there is no trail to follow, only an animalistic instinct to escape the closing maw of flames. The smoke grows so thick it's all we can do but push blindly forward. I feel her body bump against my body, feel her fingers slide through my fingers, and my mind goes back to when we spoke of fate, and how she knew I'd return from Salida because she couldn't understand why fate would be so cruel. Turns out it may be even crueler than we thought.
I squeeze her hand and tell myself no matter what happens I won't let go: that if she dies, I die too. The thought, morbid as it is, gives me a sense of peace. And for a moment I can see it: flames dancing across our bodies, flesh melting from our bones, our hands forever bound together, part of her into part of me; and after, our ashes lifting up and away from the heat and destruction, carried on the wind to someplace peaceful—some mountainside lake surrounded by meadows of vibrant wildflowers, where the days are long, and the sunsets epic, and where the stars shine bright at night—a place where the last of our remains can find a peace not awarded to us in life.
My feet leave the ground and I think this is it, this life of pain and struggle is over. At least the end was painless. But then gravity reasserts itself and I'm falling, falling, until with a great smack, I'm submerged in water. I stand and break the surface, sputtering and coughing. I look around in confusion until I remember Felix's words of a creek we had to reach. I haul Lauren and Grace to their feet as other shapes splash through on either side of us, the smoke too thick to make out their faces. I try to count but they flash in and out of focus, and it's all I can do to get the three of us to the opposite bank. I lift Grace up the side as Lauren crawls over, and I scramble after them.
We stagger unsteadily to our feet, still in flight mode. But after a minute the heat no longer rolls off my back and the smoke becomes more diluted. We reach the highway and collapse on the far side. My lungs have never ached like this before. Every breath feels like fire, every cough streaked with pain. My eyes burn when I open them as I try to get my bearings and make sure we're all accounted for. To my left, Leon, Felix, Emily, and Maya lie gasping and coughing. Beyond them nothing. To my right, nothing. The realization sends dread coursing through my veins.
With a huge effort, I heave myself to my feet and scan the area behind me. "There!" Felix shouts as he staggers toward me, Leon behind him. I see them now, two tiny figures hobbling out of the veil of smoke. We intercept them halfway across the highway, their cheeks soaked with tears. "What happened to your parents?" I ask frantically.
Cali can barely get the words out through hacking coughs. "Mommy fell — cough — daddy said — cough — keep running — cough —don't look back." Shit.
"Find Lauren, she'll take care of you," I say as I race into the cloud of smoke, Leon and Felix at my back. The smoke thickens and our visibility is reduced to only feet in front of us. We spread out, shouting their names but get no response from within the cloud. My entire chest burns like I've just chugged scalding coffee, and my eyes sting so badly I don't know how much longer I can keep them open. My head swims in and out of focus, but I can't go back, not without them.
"Here!" Leon's voice rings out. I barely make out his shape against the thick smoke and make my way to him. "Nearly tripped over them," he says as Felix and I arrive. Eli and Jolene lay limp motionless on the ground. Leon and Felix carry Eli between them and I haul Jolene across my shoulder, the adrenaline pumping through me the only thing making it possible. A second after depositing Jolene on the far side of the highway I fall to my knees and empty my stomach, searing my throat and mouth with acidic vomit. I alternate between rib cracking coughs and dry heaves, until I finally come to enough to desperately gasp for water. Lauren has a canteen in my hand moments later, and I rinse my mouth out before taking a slam that nearly sends me retching again.
I spin around, still too shaky to get to my feet, and take in the scene before me. Jolene has been roused back to consciousness, terror clouding her eyes which never leave her husband. Felix has entered a frenzied zone, rhythmically pumping his hands against Eli’s chest, and periodically breathing into his mouth. The scene dissolves into a long forgotten memory: Felix entering my back yard where Leon and I tossed around a football, the boy scout sash we always gave him shit for proudly thrown across his chest. Him pointing to his newest badge, face lit excitedly—"CPR certified.” I remember Leon and I saying some smart-ass comment as usual, and him shrugging it off, still smiling—"Might save your life someday. We'll see who's laughing then."
The scene dissipates and all I see is my friend continuing to beat against Eli's chest, his face soaked with sweat and skewed in concentration. I yearn to do something
, to help in some way, but I know there's nothing to be done. All I can do is watch on with the others and pray he finds his way back to us. But each moment that passes the darker the outlook becomes. Every breath and cough, every teardrop and bead of sweat are ours, never his.
"C'mon, Eli," Felix pleads through clenched teeth, half delirious by now. "You — don't — get — to — give — up — yet." Each word is said in cadence with his pumping hands. "Wake — up — damn — it. WAKE — UP!"
And then I swear it happens like a dream. Felix pushes down on Eli's chest, and his eyes fling open—wide and round and alive—at the same time a strangled, gasping breath escapes his lips. His battered lungs suck in another pull of air and it is exhaled in a violent retching cough. Felix helps roll him to his side as he succumbs to a hacking fit the likes of which I've never heard. The sound is music to my ears. To all of ours, Jolene's and their children's most of all. They sit together, tears of dread turned to joy streaming down their faces, arms wrapped around one another as they watch Eli come back to them. It's a while before he manages to stop hacking long enough to take a pull of water, then a while longer till he's able to do so without sending himself into another fit. Finally the coughs subside, and not a moment later his family is crashing into him, clinging to what was almost lost.
The relief radiating off the four of them is touching, warming my heart. I look back toward the fire which continues to smolder across the creek, and feel my body shudder. It's a miracle we all managed to escape with our lives. I eye Felix now. We wouldn't have, had it not been for him.
"You did that," I tell him, nodding toward the quartet which now rises to their feet. He looks up at my words, a small smile on his face. "That was badass, bro."
"Who'd have thought that CPR badge would come in handy, huh?" he asks, his smile growing wider.
Echoes of a Dying World (Book 1) Page 23