by Yessi Smith
She’s wrong. I won’t ever feel better.
I close my eyes and try to drown myself in my own despair. I fall asleep listening to Adam sing to my baby and wake up to the same peaceful baby screaming the song in my heart. I turn around to find Adam changing her diaper with a bottle of milk by his side.
“I think she’s hungry.” His smile radiates a happiness that would normally touch me. “You wanna try feeding her?”
“Just make her stop crying.” I get up to use the bathroom and press my head against the cold tile on the wall when I am blessed with a few moments of privacy. My breathing accelerates as I listen to Adam’s soft murmurs, and I can’t stop my hands from trembling. I turn on the shower, neither knowing nor caring if I’m allowed to bathe. I’ve slept since the baby was born, and I need to cleanse myself of everything that has happened today.
After a hot thirty minute shower, I don’t feel any better, so I slip on my flip flops and leave Adam and the baby sleeping as I go for a walk. I leave the maternity ward and take the elevator to the top floor. Maybe I’ll find an emergency exit to the top of the building so I can get fresh air. When the elevator doors open I am met with a shiny little plaque letting me know I have reached the sixth floor, which also happens to be the Psychiatric Ward. My heart pounds in my chest until all I hear and feel is my erratic heartbeat. Is this an omen? Or a sick joke?
On knees that have grown weak, I force myself to step out of the elevator. I follow the sign and make a left. My heart rate increases as does my breathing, but I have no way of slowing either down. With each step forward, my knees threaten to give out on me. I don’t know how, but I manage to walk to a small window with a nurse sitting behind it. I clear my throat, and alarmed, she looks up at me quickly.
“I think I need to check myself in.” My voice sounds firm, much stronger than I feel. The tears that have been a part of my everyday life do not come. Finally, the drought I had been hoping for. But it only came because I am too tired, too numb to feel anything anymore.
My knees tremble under my weight, but I keep myself upright. If I go into a psych ward, I’m going in with my back straight and my pride fully intact.
“Are you alright, dear?” The nurse rushes to the other side of the glass and helps me sit on a chair outside her little cubicle.
“I just had a baby,” I tell her. “But I’ve been battling depression for months. For two-hundred days.” That’s how long it’s been since I’ve felt Josh’s embrace.
“Depression is common when you’re pregnant and sometimes will stay with you after you give birth. You should speak to your doctor.” Her voice is sympathetic and kind, but she doesn’t understand.
“It’s not hormonal!” I bite the inside of my lips until I taste blood. “I want to die. I don’t want my baby. I can’t even look at her,” I tell her bluntly. “I don’t feel anything but this sadness. It takes over everything ‘till I can’t see past it. There’s no silver lining or ray of hope. It’s just this blackness.” I drop my head in my hands in frustration. “I can’t do this anymore.”
“Okay,” she says on a sigh. “Okay, come with me, hon.”
I follow her through the glass door into her cubicle where I wait. And wait. Already I’m second guessing myself. But I need help. I can’t continue like this. I need to be the mom Josh’s baby deserves. He’s not here to take care of his daughter, but I am. She needs me. And I need to feel something. Anything but this numbness that has overtaken me, leaving me lifeless.
A doctor sits down with me, asking me several questions until she realizes that yes, I do belong here. I follow her and another nurse into my room and find a dormitory size bed with my roommate sleeping loudly on the other side of the room. Aside from the clothes on my back, I don’t have any contents, so there is nothing for them to lock up. The nurse scans the bracelet the attending nurse in the maternity ward gave me and leaves me on my bed, feeling helpless.
I lie down on the uncomfortable bed, already wishing I wasn’t here. I must be crazy to think this would be a better alternative. I could have gone on pretending once I got home. But that’s the thing; I don’t want to pretend anymore. If I go on pretending, I’ll be an even worse mom than my parents and where would that leave my baby?
I face upward and keep my eyes to the ceiling, knowing sleep will escape me. The unease in my stomach grows with each passing second. I just signed away all my rights as a human being and will be forced to stay here until the doctors who now control my fate release me. The idea of this confinement sends me on a whirlwind of emotion, leaving me grasping onto my bed until the room spins from me hyperventilating.
Adam
Looking into my baby girl’s face brings me a sense of belonging I’ve never felt before. I gently trace my finger over her nose to her cheek and circle over her chin as I watch her sleep, trying to memorize every one of her features.
She’s so beautiful, so perfect. And when her fingers clasp onto my finger, my world is righted. I know my purpose and I silently swear to protect my daughter for the rest of eternity.
Her features are a delicate combination of Dee and Josh, and I can’t help the pang of jealousy that follows knowing that. Or the guilt that I’m holding Josh’s baby while he never got a glimpse of her or her sweet scent.
But she’s my miracle. I look over at Dee’s empty bed and hope she’ll return from her walk soon so she can finally hold her daughter and see her. See she is a blessing; the greatest blessing.
Stunned. That’s how I feel, which I guess is a step up from depression. I have voluntarily isolated myself from the real world. I have relinquished my freedom to complete strangers. Just a few hours ago I admitted myself into a psych ward. I must be mental, because no sane person would do this to herself.
I get up from my bed carefully. My back hurts, my head hurts, my vagina hurts, and my boobs are leaking milk. But the pain in my heart is the true victor. My roommate is still sleeping and I’m grateful I don’t have to meet her just yet. Unsure of the rules, I walk through the hallways quietly in search of the nurse I originally found. I stop short when I hear Adam’s voice. He’s furious, yelling obscenities while the nurse tries to calm him.
I step in to help the nurse who was kind enough to help me. Adam stops and stares at me, his eyes unwilling to believe what is happening. Without a word I go to him, and he opens his arms like I knew he would. I hear the door close behind us and know the nurse has given us some time alone. In his arms I cry, unattractive sobs that rock me to my core. He pulls me closer and I hear his breath catch and know he is crying with me. We hold each other for a long time before I pull away. I wipe the snot dripping down my nose and try to smile, but the simple act hurts so I simply stare at him.
“Why?” he asks, barely above a whisper, and I shrug my shoulders. “You’ve been getting better. I would’ve helped you get better again.”
“I wasn’t, Adam,” I respond, but he shakes his head in denial. I take his face in my hands and force him to look at me. “I wasn’t. I pretended for you, but I can’t go on pretending. I need my life back. The baby deserves better. So do you.”
“You deserve better.” He puts his arms around me and I lean on him like I always do. Maybe one day I’ll be able to lean on myself. “Take your time.” He kisses the top of my head. “I’ll take care of Josie.”
“Josie?” I ask, and he looks away sheepishly.
“I thought we could name her Josie. It’s close to Josh. If you don’t like it—”
“It’s perfect,” I interrupt, my heart splitting at the mere mention of Josh. “You understand, don’t you?” My eyes plead with him, needing to be understood.
“No, sweetie, I don’t. But I’m here, no matter what.”
It’s not what I wanted to hear, but it’ll do.
“I want to feel, Adam. In the article, you said you were going through the motions without feeling the emotions. That’s how I feel all the time; it never goes away. Before I leave my room I stare at the mirror un
til I come up with a smile that’ll convince you I’m okay. Every night I dread going to bed, because it’s a struggle to get out. I’m tired, Adam, so damn tired.”
“Okay.”
“I just want to feel again. I want to be normal again.”
“You will, Dee. I swear it, you will.” Adam kisses my forehead again, and I sigh at his unconditional faith.
“You’ll take care of Josie?” I ask, because I feel I should.
“She’s my girl,” he answers.
“Yeah, she is.” I smile at him, at the memory of them together. No matter what, they’ll be okay. There’s comfort in that.
I turn around to find the doctor I spoke to last night. She introduces herself to Adam as Dr. Rios and explains the treatment I will be receiving along with the medications I will be taking and the therapy sessions I am required to participate in.
“We also have family sessions in which the patient’s family can partake in,” Dr. Rios offers. Adam isn’t family, but he’s all I have left.
“I’ll be there.” Adam squeezes my hand I hadn’t realized he had taken and I squeeze back.
“Deeana,” Dr. Rios addresses me. “Breakfast is being served now. You are expected to maintain the same schedule as the rest of our patients.”
I nod my head, understanding I am being dismissed and quickly hug Adam.
“I’ll come visit you whenever I can.”
I hold back the tears as I nod my head quickly before leaving. Sweet and sturdy Adam. He’s a rock that never falters. I’d be lost without him.
Before I go to the sitting area, I go back to my room and stuff my bra with toilet paper in the hopes that it’ll soak up the milk Josie won’t be drinking. Guilt hits my gut; I should breast feed my daughter. I should want to… but the I should’s are useless noncommittal voids, because the truth is I don’t care.
I eat breakfast alone and stare at the beige walls with paintings plastered to the wall. I guess people have been known to remove the paintings in an attempt at suicide by art. There are two pay phones on the other side of the room, close to the sitting area with the television. Who knew payphones still existed?
A girl around my age, maybe younger, takes a seat in front of me, but I don’t acknowledge her presence. Instead I continue to eat my food and drink my juice in what I hope to be continued silence.
“I’m Hayley.” No such luck. I ignore her outstretched hand and continue the monotony of chewing and swallowing. “You’re new here.”
I take the small clear cup that holds whatever pills Dr. Rios has prescribed for me and debate whether or not I actually want to take them. My mother taught me pills were a sign of weakness. Yeah, well, I’m sure ending up in a nut farm is also a sure sign of weakness. Without thinking, I bring the cup to my lips and swallow three small pills dry.
“What’d they give you?” Hayley asks a bit too cheerfully. Maybe she’s on one of these magic happy pills and soon enough I’ll be spewing out excitement.
“I don’t know.” I get up to leave, but Hayley stops me with her hand on mine.
“It’s your first day, but eventually you’re gonna wanna leave this place. To do that you gotta play nice and make friends.”
“I don’t want friends.”
“It doesn’t matter what you want, just what they want.” She points at the nurses watching us behind their glass window and I shudder.
I don’t bother to thank Hayley for her unsolicited advice. I just throw my trash away and walk to my room where I hide under the covers, hoping this self-induced nightmare will soon be over.
Adam doesn’t come back until the next day, just after nine AM. I can’t see him right away, because nine is group therapy. I look around me and see an array of different faces, some old, some young, some worn, others in perfect condition; some men, some females, but all alike. We share one similarity; the inability to cope with what’s inside of us.
I know this to be true as I listen to story after story. They all mesh together until we are just one big clusterfuck of crazies. I walk away from them feeling confused by the union these individuals have formed with one another. They support each other, offer words of comfort when they themselves don’t hold much comfort. It is a foreign world to me, and one I’m not sure I’ll be able to be a part of.
I walk into my room to find Adam still patiently waiting for me.
“Hey,” I say, startling him from his own thoughts.
“Hey back. I brought you some stuff.” He holds up a bag and laughs. “They took some things out though. Apparently dental floss is frowned upon here.”
“I knew I’d like this place,” I laugh. “They understand the uselessness of flossing.”
“See these pearly whites?” Adam smiles a toothy grin.
“Whiteners did that,” I accuse, and he laughs.
I rummage through the bag and put my clothes away in the drawers supplied to me. I pick up the same frame I gave Adam with a picture of him and Josie. With my hands shaking, I put it up on my nightstand and stare at it while Adam watches me. I turn around and force a smile on my face.
“She doesn’t look like an alien.”
Adam chuckles as he pulls me onto his lap. “She’s as beautiful as her mama.”
“Hopefully she’s a little less screwy than her mama.”
“You’ll be okay, Dee.” He wraps me in his arms and I lean onto his body, feeling safe. “I spoke to the band, and we’re not gonna start up the tour again for three weeks. That’ll give me some time to find a nanny for Josie.”
“You’re gonna take her on tour with you though, right?”
“Yeah, sweetie. Only time she won’t be with me is when I’m on stage.”
“The girls will fall at your feet when they see you carrying a baby with you.”
“Too bad for them my heart already belongs to another girl.” He squeezes me tighter against him and I’m grateful Josie has Adam as her dad. He’ll do right by her. He already loves her more than I can. “So tell me about this place.”
“Not much to tell.” I shrug my shoulders. “We have breakfast at seven AM, group therapy at nine, free time ‘till noon when we eat, group activity at two, free time again until five when I meet with Dr. Rios privately, and lights out at eight.”
“Lights out at eight?”
“Nine if we’re good.”
“I got permission to bring Josie by tomorrow if you want me to?”
I know I should want to see my daughter, so I nod my head which seems to be the answer Adam was hoping for. Go me!
Adam leaves shortly after that, so I head to the sitting room to wait for lunch. I spot Hayley sitting by herself by the piano and decide to sit next to her since everyone else is sitting in groups.
“You know how to play?” I ask her and she smiles.
“Sometimes. Depends on who I am at the time.”
“And does the person I’m talking to right now know how to play?” I ask cautiously, and she sends her head back in laughter.
“Your face,” she laughs. “Oh, good God! You shoulda seen your face.”
I watch her with uncertainty creeping up my spine. She’s crazier than I am.
“Are you always this gullible?” she asks once she composes herself.
“You were joking?”
“Yeah, I was fuckin’ with ya. I only have one personality, so chill.”
I relax beside her once again and smile at her stupid prank. “Do you know how to play or not?”
“You got a name?”
“Dee,” I offer.
She openly smirks at me and I roll my eyes, already knowing what’s coming. “Seriously? Like dees nuts?” she asks, pointing to the nonexistent nuts inside her pants. “Only it works better as Dee’s nuts, because, well you’re here and you must be nuts.”
I laugh at her rationalization, but hell, it makes sense.
“Yeah, I know how to play, Dee. What do you want to hear?”
“Anything.”
Hayley begins to pl
ay, and I watch her fingers dance over the piano effortlessly. We sit in communal silence as she plays everything from Mozart to Christmas carols. I watch the room around me as people stare at the TV and play board games. This is my new home for an indefinite amount of time. I might as well get used to it so my anxiety levels stabilize.
As promised, Adam visits me with Josie the following day, just after group therapy. I’m reluctant to carry her, but know I have to. Adam hands her to me as nurses keep a watchful eye on me as if I might try to hurt her. I guess it’s probably happened before. I look at her face and see Josh staring back at me. My throat closes up until I can barely breathe. I try to hand her back to Adam, but he refuses.
“You’ve got this, sweetie,” he tells me, rubbing my back. “You can do it. That’s your baby. Your little girl.”
I nod and force myself to look at her face. My little girl. My lip quivers and I steady my breathing so I don’t get dizzy while holding her. I can do this. She has Josh’s ears, his lips, and when she smiles I see she has my dimples. I touch her dimple, remembering how much Josh loved my dimples.
“She has your nose, too.” I look up at him to see him smiling at me. “And your lungs,” he says, and I chuckle. “Her screams scare the life out of me.”
“In her defense, all she can do to get your attention is scream.”
Adam shakes his head and laughs at me. I don’t know why it hits me so suddenly, but at that moment I realize how much I’ve selfishly put on Adam. How much he’s selflessly taken on. I look at him in disbelief and for the first time notice the dark circles under his eyes and the worry creases between his eyebrows. How long have they been there?
With one arm supporting Josie, I reach out to Adam, and he willingly takes my hand. “I’m sorry,” I whisper and choke back the threatening tears. “I’m sorry,” I repeat clearer. “You don’t have to do any of this, but here you are.”
“I just want you to get better, Dee. That’s all that matters to me.”
“You give and you give. Don’t you ever get tired of not receiving?”