by Yessi Smith
After two months of therapy and living in these confines, I’m reluctant to return to my real world. I feel comfortable here, understood. I’ve made friends and have a routine that keeps me stable. Leaving this place and the security I’ve found here sends my mind reeling.
I’ve decided to join Adam on tour, and now I just have to tell him. Just the concept of it terrifies me. I want to listen to him sing and I want to see him in the glory he and Josh worked so hard towards, but it’s hard. I don’t know if I can actually make it through a show without a full-blown panic attack. But I have to do it, because it’s important to Adam, and he’s important to me. So important that I’m willing to jeopardize the little mental stability I’ve found to make him happy. Maybe I’ll lose my shit and claw Adam’s pretty little Amber.
At least Hayley will be going with me. She was released from this prison a week ago, but you wouldn’t know it, because she still spends so much time here hanging out with me and her boyfriend Max, who as it turns out isn’t a spy. He actually admitted himself because he was hungry and wanted a couple nights in a bed rather than the streets of an alleyway. I don’t know how he wound up homeless, since he doesn’t like to talk about it, but the permanent marks left on his body from a rough childhood tell me it wouldn’t be a happy story.
We’re quite the group, the three of us. Our pasts are so very different from one another, but Hayley is leading us into a sprint towards our future. After some not so subtle prompting, Max showed us his talents with a computer and completely revamped my website so that it actually looks like I know what I’m doing. I’ve earned enough money through blogging that I’ll be able to afford to self-publish my manuscript, which is great, because self-publishing is a whole helluva lot more expensive than I thought. There’s the obvious expenses for a cover designer and editor, but also not so obvious expenses with blog tours and something called swag.
What the hell is swag? Hayley swears she has enough swag for the both of us, but I’m pretty sure she’s thinking about something else entirely.
After looking at several different cover designers’ webpages, I’ve decided I want Max to create a design for me. He’s reluctant, but Hayley and I can be annoyingly persistent.
Since Adam will be on tour for the remainder of the year, I manage to convince him to let Max stay in our condo until he finds a job and is able to support himself. Adam wasn’t thrilled with the idea, he still isn’t. In fact, he thinks it’s a horrible idea, but he doesn’t know Max. I’ve only known Max for a few weeks, so I may very well not know him either, but I feel like I do. In truth, it’s because of Adam that I even want to help Max. Adam’s unwavering loyalty has taught me the importance of helping others. I can’t say I’m a selfless person, that will never happen, but I’m making a conscious effort at being a better person.
I’m leaving today. It’s been two hundred and sixty-one days since Josh died, exactly two months since I brought Josie into this world and admitted defeat. Almost a year. Has enough time passed that I can finally start over without Josh? It’s not like I have much of a choice. Josie needs a mom, not some nanny who’s probably more focused on nailing daddy than actually taking care of the child she’s being paid to watch.
I take a breath, exhaling slowly as I force my fingers to unclench on my lap. Besides, I don’t want my baby being raised by anyone but Adam and me. We’re her parents.
I follow the commotion down the corridor until I’m in the sitting area faced with balloons and a banner that tell me to Go Away and don’t come back! I look over at Adam who is playing his guitar with Hayley on the piano as Max twirls Adam’s mom in circles. They’re an odd group, but they’re mine. It’s strange to think that I might have actually found my place without Josh in a looney bin, but life is full of unpredictable moments that stand out and ultimately define us.
I sit on the floor beside Adam and listen to his melodic voice as he sings. His voice is soft but deep. He could have been a pop star, but rock is as much a part of him as his lungs are.
I smile at Dr. Rios when I see her sit beside me. She’s helped me so much; I literally owe my life to her.
“Are you ready to go?” she asks, and I shrug my shoulders.
I know the correct answer is yes, but I don’t like pretending anymore. Not when the truth is so much more effective. “I don’t know. I want to be though.”
“I want you to keep my number with you at all times, Dee. Call me any time.”
“Thank you, Dr. Rios.” I feel my eyes well up with tears and I quickly wipe my nose. Why does my nose always have to leak when my eyes do?
Adam sees me and puts down his guitar so he can help me to my feet.
“Dance with me?” he asks and twirls me in a quick spin.
I grin back at him as Hayley picks up the tempo on the piano. In Adam’s arms, I let him guide me and laugh away the uncertainty. We celebrate my freedom the best way possible, with music and pizza. Even Samantha joins us, although we avoid making eye contact. Conversations float through the air effortlessly while Hayley continues to play.
I’m going to be okay, I think as I make my way to Dr. Rios’ office for our last private session. I keep Adam’s hand in mine; leading him to her office so he can be a part of it. I need to tell him about my fears, and what better way than in the safety of Dr. Rios’ office.
I walk in and take my usual seat by her window that overlooks a fairly empty parking lot. The beach and ocean are close by, but the tall buildings obscure it from our sight. I’d like to go back to the beach, face that fear head on so I can eventually take Josie to play in the sand and along the shore.
With Dr. Rios’ permission, I take a deep breath and talk to Adam as if she weren’t in the room with us. “I’m gonna go on tour with you, Adam,” I tell him and see the surprise and satisfaction cross his face. I look at my hands on my lap and remind myself I want to do this. “I’m gonna go, but I’m scared to.” I take deep breaths to calm my nerves. “I don’t know how I’ll feel listening to your songs again. But it’s worse than that,” I admit, and he takes my hand offering me his unyielding support.
“You don’t have to go,” he tells me, but I disagree. I saw how happy it made him when I told him I’d go, and I want to make Adam happy.
“I have nightmares, Adam. Sometimes it’s Josh, but lately it’s about you. You’re out there looking for me, you can’t hear me screaming your name, and the stage falls on you. I can’t lose you too.” I shake my head, no longer wanting the fear to dictate my life.
“You won’t,” Adam tells me, lifting my chin so that I have to look at him. “I swear it.”
“You can’t promise me that.” I shake my head again. “You can’t tell me for certain that you’d never leave me.”
“I won’t leave you,” he promises me again, and I see the sadness we both carry creep into his eyes. “It’s the other way around. People leave me.”
I turn my head and look at him questioningly, wanting him to elaborate, but he makes no effort to continue speaking. “None of the people who left you left willingly. Your dad loved you…” I sigh, realizing the truth. “But even the unwilling have to leave at some point. It’s inevitable.”
“That’s a crappy outlook,” he tells me with the ghost of a smile, and I laugh. Yeah, it is.
“I don’t want to be scared anymore. I want to see you perform and listen to you sing. I want to go back to the beach where Josh died.”
“Okay, sweetie.” Adam looks away from me, and I’m worried he won’t go to the beach with me. “We’ll do it together,” he says and takes my hands from my lap and kisses my knuckles.
How can someone be so perfect?
I say tearful goodbyes to the staff who have helped me through the beginning of this new journey and to Adam’s mom who has been an integral part of all of this. She understands me, and while she doesn’t talk an awful lot, her quiet understanding has helped me greater than any form of psychobabble. I barely have time to wave to Max when Hayley wrap
s her arm around my waist and leads me away. Max will be leaving in a couple days anyway, and our condo will have more occupants than ever before. At least until we leave on tour.
Hayley will only be going for a couple weeks to make sure I don’t go bat shit crazy. After that, she’ll come back and stay with Max in our condo. I hope they don’t have sex on our couch. Or dining room table. Or the shower. Maybe I should set some ground rules?
My heart rate quickens with each step I take out of the hospital until I feel all the stability I’ve worked for begin to unhinge. I was safe in the hospital. I continue to walk towards Adam’s truck and smile at him when he opens the door for me.
“Chill, chick,” Hayley reminds me, and I feel my shoulders lose some of their tension. “See you mañana!”
“Yeah!” I shout at her as she jogs back to the hospital to hang out with Max.
“We’re the crazies, Dee.” Hayley spins around so that she is facing me. “Remember that. We have nothing to worry about. It’s the rest of the world that should worry about us.”
I laugh at her absurd reasoning and shout back at her, “I’m not crazy anymore! My mental instability has been given the pink slip.”
“Bullshit!” she shouts, and I raise my middle finger. I laugh as I watch the few people in the parking lot look at us as they scurry to their cars.
Hayley’s right. I’ve got this shit handled.
We go straight to Ft. Lauderdale Beach, and I wish my stomach were empty of the pizza I binged on. I hold onto Adam’s hand, trying not to break his fingers as I wonder what my new life will be like. I hope Josie likes me more than Amber. Dr. Rios already warned me it could take a while for Josie to fully warm up to me since we only see each other a couple times a month since Adam went on tour. But I’m her mom. She lived inside of me for nine months, shouldn’t that count for something?
I follow Adam out of the car when we get to the beach and notice his hands are as sweaty as mine. His eyes are cold and determined, but he smiles warmly at me, probably trying to ease my own tension. He’s hurting too, I remind myself, and pull my hand away from his so that I can wrap my arm around his waist. He puts his arm around my shoulders and I move closer to him.
As we inch our way forward, I see the boulder of my nightmares and immediately turn away from the boulder I stood on when I failed to get Josh’s attention. Everything comes back to me. Josh’s smile when he found me in the crowd. How he looked on stage; he belonged up there. That was what he was born for, what he was destined for. He never reached the greatness life had promised him. At least not as a rock star. But the greatness we breathed together as a couple can never be forgotten.
My heart hurts, will always hurt for the life that was stripped away from us. I walk away from where the stage stood and its memories. I remove my flip flops and sit by the shore with my toes in the water. Adam sits behind me, and my body seeks his until I am leaning against him with his arms around me. He presses his face against my neck and I can feel his tears fall onto my skin. I reach behind me so that my hand cups the back of Adam’s head, and together we cry over someone who will forever be a part of who we are.
“Life just keeps going,” I tell Adam when my sobs finally turn into small tears, “but I feel like it’s moved on without me. I don’t want that anymore. I don’t know if I’ll ever move on completely, but…” I trail off.
“We’ll move on together,” Adam replies, his lips pressed to my ear. “He wouldn’t want us to continue mourning him.”
“Okay,” I whisper. “Together.”
“Always,” he says, and my heart breaks at his words. “I have something for you.”
“Yeah?” I turn my head and smile at him.
“It’s been yours for a while, but I never thought it was a good time for it.”
“What is it?” I ask, my voice shaky with nerves as my heart slams in my chest. Whatever it is it’s going to hurt. I mentally prepare myself the best I can.
“It’s a song Josh wrote for you.”
“Josh?” I laugh.
“I helped.” I hear the humor in his voice and relax against Adam. My sweet and sturdy Adam, who has gone from being Josh’s best friend to mine.
“Let’s hear it then.” My smile is genuine, and I’m no longer bracing myself for a hardening blow. This is Adam. I trust him.
He places his lips by my ear again and begins to sing softly to me.
“Just a look, a simple glance
Just one smile, that's all it took.
Just a moment
Amongst hundreds of other moments.
In that moment we were one
Our paths forever forged.
Four words slipped from my lips
Changing our existence
I love you.
Always.
I reached for your hand
And you took hold of my heart.
My very existence
Is in your hands.
You hold me,
My soul, my heart, my all.
Four words slipped from my lips
Changing our existence,
I love you.
Always.
We became one
Forever
I love you.
Always.”
My heart doesn’t break, but for the first time it swells, knowing Josh loved me until his last breath.
Adam
Two hours before we have to go to the airport to join the rest of the band in Seattle, I leave Dee and Josie in our condo with Hayley and Max so that I can go to the cemetery to visit Josh. While I come here at least once when I’m in town, it isn’t enough. I pull the weeds growing around the gravestone, and only when I’m satisfied do I sit down so I can talk to Josh. It’s a good thing he can’t reach me from where he’s at, because I’m sure he’d beat my ass after he hears what I’m gonna tell him.
“I’m in love with your girl, brother,” I tell him and welcome a blow to my face, but continue when my best friend’s ghost remains silent. “I’ve loved her for as long as you have, but I don’t think it’s gonna be enough. She doesn’t want me, she wants you, and you left her broken. For as long as I live I’ll hate you for that, and I’ll hate myself for not having saved you to save her.
“I’m trying though, and I’ll keep tryin’. But, fuck me, I feel like I’m drowning here. She’s all I think about. And then when I’m thinkin’ of her, you pop in my head. I hurt so bad from wanting her and from not wantin’ to want her. I don’t know how to let either of you go.”
I sit quietly for a moment, hoping for some clarity. When none comes, I pull out a picture of Josie and rest it against the headstone. I place my fingers to my lips and then over Josh’s name. It’s unbelievable how one person could leave so many broken souls in his wake.
Twenty years old
“He’s pretty incredible.” Dee sits down next to me and I see her eyes on Josh. They’re always only on Josh. He’s all she sees, and she’s all he sees.
They’re good together. They create a sort of music of their own and sometimes it feels like no one else is entitled to know the lyrics of their specific song. I guess love should be like that; just the two of them.
“I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with him.”
I look at her smiling face and smile back. I don’t doubt it. If two people were ever meant to be together it was Josh and Dee.
“Quit lookin’ at my girl.” Josh slaps my back before handing me a beer.
“Tell her to quit looking so pretty and I won’t have to keep looking at her.” I take a swig of my beer, pushing the jealousy and bitterness into the pit of my stomach.
“Nah.” He kisses Dee on the side of her lips and she laughs. “I like her pretty. And I’ll be carryin’ a picture of that pretty face while we’re on tour.”
“I’m gonna miss you,” she pouts. “I mean, I’m happy you’re going and how big Wasted Circle is gonna get, but I’m gonna miss you.”
Josh pulls her to him and closes
his eyes as he breathes her in.
“I love you, Dee,” he whispers, and I look away. “Never forget that. You’re the best part of my life.”
Funny, she’s the best part of my life, too. Only I get to say it quietly.
I leave them to their declarations of love while I walk towards a pretty little blonde who’s been watching me. She licks her lips when I smile at her, so I sit next to her and buy her a drink. I’ll get lost in a stranger’s arms tonight, which is pretty fan-fuckin’-tastic if you ask me.
After a few shots, the blonde and I stumble out of the bar and mutually agree to take our adventure a step further as we stagger towards a nearby playground. It’s dark, but the danger of being caught excites the blonde to the point that I’m sure she’s wet long before I touch her.
I lay her on the slide, caressing her skin with my fingers, but not my lips. I slide her pants down and touch her – yep, she’s already wet. She moans and leans her body towards me when I push my fingers inside her. Hard and just as eager, I lower my pants and thrust myself inside of her. She screams my name with each thrust, but I continue to plummet into her, needing my own release. I feel her nails dig into my back and enjoy it when she wraps her legs around my waist. I shudder once before I thrust myself into her responsibe body. She pulls me towards her, but I won’t kiss her or give her any false promises.
It’s insane to see girls go batshit crazy over Adam, but apparently he’s a hot commodity. Even Hayley is developing a crush on him. I wish I could say he’s still plain ole’ Adam to me, but that would be denying the fact that Adam is a legend in his own right. He’s a damn rock star. He even dresses like one with black on black on black and lots of leather. His hair drapes wherever it wants and his face is left unshaven. He’s fucking hot. How the hell had I never realized that before? And once he gets on stage, I have to battle with my bra and panties to stay on.