Love, Always

by Yessi Smith

  Without much preamble, Adam puts his glass down with a hard slam and runs his hands through his hair until I’m sure he’s going to pull some strands out. I take his hands out of his hair and put them on my lap, stroking them with my forefinger.

  His eyes look at me, confused and in need of answers. If only I had some.

  “What are we doing, Dee?”

  “I don’t know, but I do know you deserve better than Amber.”

  “Says who?” he demands, his agitation growing.

  “Says me.” I feel my insides tremble at the anger brewing inside of him. “She doesn’t love you. You saw that yourself.”

  “At least she wanted me.”

  “That’s not good enough.” I kneel down in front of him so that he has no other choice but to look at me. “Why would you settle for less than what you deserve?”

  “What I deserve?” he scoffs, his words dipped in ice.

  “You’re such a good man, Adam. You’re good to everyone you meet. I’ve never met anyone like you. You give without expecting—”

  “You don’t get it. I don’t expect anything, because I deserve nothing. But I get something back all the same.”

  “What do you get back?” I ask, genuinely curious.

  “Everything.” He rubs his hands across his face before he looks back at me. “I get to feel like I’m worth something.” He shrugs.

  “You’re worth more than you could possibly know.” I take his hands before he can run them through his hair again. “You’re worth everything.”

  “Not enough.”

  I had no idea Adam was so insecure. How could I when everything has always centered around me, my fears, and my needs? His eyes watch me carefully as I lift his hand and kiss his palm and close it so that my kiss is sealed in his fist.

  “How could you think that?”

  “Don’t do this to me, Dee. Not tonight.” He takes his hand away from me, but keeps his fist clenched as he starts to pace the balcony. The ocean behind him matches his mood with its own ferocious waves. “You’re like this evil seductress,” he laughs, and I wince at his words.

  I want to speak up in my defense, but for once I think about Adam and all the anguish I’ve caused him. Whether the pain was caused purposely or not is questionable, but I knew I’d hurt him when I walked away from him. I hadn’t thought of Adam then, only myself. I’m thinking about him now though.

  “I opened myself up to you and you left me. I told you how I felt, but it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t who you wanted.”

  I look down at my fingers on my lap and neither try to deny nor confirm his words. There’s truth within the lie and lies within the truth. They’re both there, interlaced with one another.

  “I can’t keep playin’ games with you, Dee.”

  “I’ve never played games with you,” I tell him without looking at him.

  “But you’ve never loved me, but you keep tellin’ me how I deserve better, how I’m so good, how I give without taking. But none of it’s enough for you.”

  “It’s not because of anything you’ve done or haven’t done,” I protest.

  He laughs a humorless laughs and sits back down next to me. “You gonna give me the bullshit it’s not you, it’s me speech?”

  “Adam—”

  “I’m not good enough for you. Just say it,” he dares me, but I stay stupidly quiet. “I’ve only ever loved one woman, and I’m not good enough for her.” He leaves me there with my eyes wide as he storms out of my front door.

  I should go after him, I know I should.

  Adam

  You know what’s funny? Like piss your pants funny? Paying for a wedding you know will end up in divorce. Wait, there’s a punchline somewhere in this joke. I paid over one hundred grand on a broad that’s not worth a penny.

  Shit, I got it wrong again. I put the glass of whiskey to my lips and think. I know. She is a penny! Ready for the punchline? I swear I got it this time. Amber’s like a penny; she’s worthless, two faced, and in everyone’s pants! Ba-dum tss.

  After taking my last gulp, I bypass the glass entirely and go to my balcony with my bottle of whiskey cradled in my arm. That woman has me so fucked up, I can’t even think straight when I’m sober. Not Amber, but Dee. She holds my everything in her hands and rips me apart with her fingernails almost daily. Not that I can blame her. It’s my own fault for wanting what I knew from the beginning I couldn’t have. But after tasting her for just one night, I thought maybe, just maybe. She became my obsession. All my thoughts circled around her ‘til I could hear and smell her without her being here.

  Like now. She’s like a damn witch, haunting my every moment. Do witches haunt? What-the-fuck-ever. I can’t even get drunk enough to escape her soft voice and sweet scent. Fuck me, I can feel her fingers as they brush against mine, and look up at the familiar touch to watch her taking my bottle away from me.

  An illusion or real, it doesn’t really matter.

  I follow her into my bedroom, hoping the illusion will be less painful.

  Shortly after Adam left, I called Hayley and asked her to watch Josie for me. I had some serious ass kissing to do and would probably do it better without a baby. Maybe. Or I was just using Josie as an excuse to prolong the ass kissing.

  I should have called Adam before to apologize and let him know that he was wrong about everything. He is more than good enough for me; it’s me who’s lacking. I should have called, but I hadn’t thought Adam would drink himself incompetent. He’s the strong one.

  I let myself into his condo, and after a quick look around, notice the balcony door is open. His favorite tumbler glass is shattered by the wall, and the sight of it turns my stomach. I entwine my fingers together and press them against my beating heart as I make my way out to him. He looks almost peaceful with his head arched back on his chair, except for the constant swearing coming out of his mouth. His name sticks in the back of my throat, so I just reach down and take the bottle of whiskey that is resting in his lap. He opens his eyes and looks at me with a dazed expression.

  “Adam,” I whisper, finally able to speak, but he continues to look at me through the haze of too much alcohol.

  I take his hand without another word and guide him to his bedroom that actually used to be my bedroom before I moved out. I can trace every mistake I’ve made this past year starting with that bedroom where I closed myself off to everything but my pain. My pain and my feelings were all that mattered to me. I can’t even equate that type of destruction to self-love because really, the only one who loves me despite myself is Adam.

  Adam is a bit wobbly on his legs and I’m grateful when we reach his bed. I help him out of his shoes and socks and lay him down once his shirt and, oh, apparently the shorts are coming off too. I pull the covers over him when he lies down and kiss him gently on the side of his mouth.

  “Is this real?” he asks with his eyes closed. “Are you real this time, Dee?”

  Unsure of what he means, I sing softly to him as I caress his hair back until I hear his breathing even out, letting me know he’s asleep. I go to the kitchen and come back with a glass of water that I place on his nightstand with aspirin so he can have them tomorrow morning.

  I ease myself into the bed next to him and his body immediately seeks mine. Eventually I fall asleep with Adam’s head cradled in my arm.

  I wake up with Adam’s hot breath on my face and want to gag when the smell of it creeps its way into my nose. Gah! This man needs a breath mint. I try to move away from him before his rank breath singes my eyebrows, but he pulls me closer to him. I continue my quiet battle so I don’t wake him until I see one side of his lips curl into a half grin. I grin back at him and twist his nipples, making him open his eyes in surprise.

  “Titty twister fight?” His eyes narrow as his smile widens.

  I cover my nipples protectively with my hands. If he so much as looks at them again I just may jump him before we have the chance to speak.

  Adam watches me with a pre
datory glint in his eyes, and a part of me can’t wait to be his prey. I’m just not sure how much of me will be left once he devours me.

  “How’s your head?” I ask, cautiously reaching my finger to move his hair out of his face.

  His eyes remain on mine and my heart skips a few times in anticipation of what is yet to come. I touch his face gently, caressing his cheek and the stubble on his chin.

  “I’ll live,” he says with a shrug. “I’m much more interested in what you’re doing in my bed.” He wags his eyebrows at me and moves his covers over, revealing his almost bare body.

  I stare at him, at his boxer briefs, and force my eyes to go back to his eyes where I find an amused smile on his face. I love that smile, but more I love that his smile is for me.

  “You were a tad drunk last night when I came by.”

  He rubs his hands over his face before turning around to drink the glass of water I got him last night.

  “Gimme. I’ll get you fresh water,” I offer with an outstretched hand, and he raises his eyebrows at me in question. “It’s old,” I mumble, embarrassed by the surprised expression on his face. It’s not like I never do things for him.

  “You tryin’ to take care of me?” He smiles at me and I feel my cheeks redden.

  “Just give me the damn glass.”

  He hands it to me with the stupidest grin on his face which makes me smile in return. Adam and I can do this – be an us. The chemistry and attraction is there, but so is the fear and guilt. I push the guilt aside and swallow the fear, refusing to let those emotions govern me any longer.

  “How’s your head?” I ask again after I return from the kitchen and hand him the glass back.

  He shrugs. “It’s not horrible.”

  “Drink and take the aspirin, because I’m about to make it worse.” He looks at me warily, but does as instructed. I sigh before I begin what I’m sure will be a twenty hour monologue. “I shouldn’t have let you leave yesterday. But that’s not where my mistakes began,” I admit, playing with my fingers nervously. “I should never have walked away from you all those months ago. It hurt so bad I didn’t know if the pain would ever go away. And it hurt Josie, which makes me an awful and selfish mom.” I put up my hand when he tries to speak. I need to get this out before I chicken out. Again. “I am selfish, you can’t deny that.” I smile, and he returns it with a sad smile of his own that twists my heart until all I feel is the pain I’ve caused. “When you got together with Amber, it was like being slammed in the gut all over again, but I saw the way you still looked at me and knew you still cared about me. I should’ve said something to you then but still didn’t. I had so many opportunities to tell you, but I’m so damn scared of you.” I feel the tears well up in my eyes and push them back, not because I think they make me weak, but because I know my tears will weaken Adam. I need both of us to be strong for one another so that we can beat down our demons rather than skirt around them.

  “How do I scare you?” he asks, genuinely curious.

  “How I feel about you scares me. You don’t fill an empty hole, because when I’m with you, it’s like that hole never existed. I feel horrible about that. I mean, I was with Josh for years, and it’s like he never mattered to me when I’m with you. But then when I’m not with you, all those feelings I have for him come crashing back which is when the guilt settles in.” I look at him, my heart hurting with my own vulnerability, and I wait for him to respond.

  He reaches his hand to touch me, but pulls back before we ever make contact with one another. Instead he puts his hands on his lap and stares at them for so long I’m almost sure our conversation is over. Before we even had a chance to become an us, I killed it. Again.

  His gaze slowly moves up until he is looking at me intently. “I feel the same thing. When we’re together, it’s like everything is the way it should be, but then the guilt creeps in. I mean, you’re my best friend’s girl. I shouldn’t act on how I feel.”

  “But here’s the thing.” I sit down on the bed beside Adam and hope I’m not making a mistake. “Josh isn’t with us anymore.”

  Adam looks back at me skeptically and I know it’s my own fault. I’ve put that skepticism on his face and I have to fix it. For both of our sakes. I take his hands in my own and lace our fingers together, enjoying the warmth of his skin on mine.

  “But we’re still here.” My eyes beg him to give in a little. “We can still make us work.”

  He sighs deeply before he lets go of my hand and stands up. “We’ve tried this already, sweetie. We can’t just fall back onto one another and then run away when things get scary. Eventually, there isn’t gonna be anything to fall back on, and I don’t want to lose what we already have.”

  “I won’t run this time, Adam,” I say, desperate for him to believe me. “I swear it. I’m scared, of course I am, but I’m a lot more scared of losing out on what we could have, because I have a feeling it’d be pretty great.” I smile back at him, doubting the smile reaches my eyes.

  “Why’s it different this time?”

  “Because I love you.” My heart stops when he just looks at me. Both of us are stunned into silence by my revelation. I love him. Shit.

  “You love me?” he asks slowly and I nod my head. “That’s cute.” He turns on his heels and walks away. I stare at his retreating back, confused and hurt. I thought… He turns around when he reaches the doorframe and smiles at me, his big maniacal smile that involuntarily makes my own lips curve. “I’m just messing with ya!”

  He bolts towards me and pushes me back on the bed with his body pressed against mine. His lips meet mine and our tongues dance together, tasting each other and the promises made with a sealed kiss.

  He shifts away from me slightly and whispers, “I love you too. Now and always.”

  He loves me. Always.

  I pull him towards me, hugging him tightly to me and take in the familiar scent of him that haunts me. I move my hands over his bare back while he does the same to me. He puts his lips on my neck and kisses me gently as he makes his way over my throat and chin until our lips find one another once again. I close my eyes and get lost in his taste, but open them when his teeth graze my bottom lip. I pull back, biting my own lip as he moves his lips to my stomach, where he traces his tongue over my skin. I put my fingers through his hair and pull so that he lifts his face to me. I shiver when I see the desire in his eyes and close my eyes, hoping our moment will last a lifetime.

  I moan lightly when his fingers caress my inner thigh, and I involuntarily tighten in anticipation as he draws circles close to my entrance. I inch my body closer to his fingers, already wet and aching for him to be inside of me, but he continues to stroke my inner thigh without showing any signs of going in.

  Well, two can play this little game.

  I sit up and push him back with a wicked grin on my face. He watches me as I straddle him, but I then decide to go reverse cowgirl on him. With my ass near his face, I lean down and put his penis in my mouth, enjoying the feeling of it throbbing on my tongue. I hear him inhale quickly so I lean back, releasing his cock with a wet pop that escapes my lips, and begin to run circles around his abdomen with my fingers.

  “You’re not very hairy,” I tell him. “Do you shave?”

  “Do I—wha?” His confusion makes me laugh.

  “The manscape looks pretty good, too.”

  “My—”

  I put him back in my mouth and suck hard so that he can’t finish his sentence. I move my mouth up and down along his length until I hear him moan. I then move away once again, enjoying his tortured moan when I run my finger from his balls to his tip. I lean down and lick the tip in a circle, lifting my backside to further entice Adam. Only he uses the opportunity to slide his fingers inside of me, sending me on an upward spiral when he finds my clit.

  I try to keep up with the tempo he’s creating with his fingers, but shit! I can’t think straight, let alone try to seduce him. Unable to resist the urge, I bite his inner thi
gh, making him squeal like a schoolgirl. I look back at him with a sly grin and he maneuvers both of us so that he is on top. My grin vanishes when I see the predatory look on his face.

  Ah shit, he looks famished. I stretch my arms over my head and wrap them around his neck, ready for him to devour me. I pull myself upward and nip his ear.

  “Love me, Adam.”

  “Always,” he agrees and glides inside of me.

  With each thrust, he draws his body closer to mine so that I feel his heart beat on my own chest. His hair falls carelessly onto my face, but I enjoy the feel of it and don’t bother brushing it aside. I wrap my legs around his waist, moving with him as my nails dig deeper into his back.

  He moves up, switching positions, and I follow him until I’m practically sitting on his lap. He holds my back as I move my body up and down, feeling his cock pulse inside of me. My thighs tighten around him and I rest my head on his shoulder when I feel myself come on top of him. I kiss his neck, chin and mouth, beyond satisfied with his performance.

  “Hold on to me, baby,” he tells me, and I do.

  I hold on as if my life depends on it, because in a sense it does. My existence once depended on Adam’s care and unwavering love. I push his head towards the crevice of my neck as I ride my next wave of ecstasy and feel myself go limp when he shudders his own release inside of me.

  He lays me down gently and wraps his body around mine as he rests his face on top of mine. This is euphoria; one I’ve only felt once, the first time Adam and I were together.

  “I’m gonna tweet about this,” he says lazily, and I try to push him off of me.

  “You are not,” I say, pronouncing each word slowly.

  “This is the best cure for a hangover. The people have a right to know.”

  “Adam,” I warn, even though I’m smiling, and he laughs, so I bite his arm. Hard.