by Yessi Smith
I shake my head and unwrap my hotdog, but Adam takes my hand when I go to take a bite.
“Don’t,” he laughs. “I can’t—”
I narrow my eyes at him and lick the tip of the hotdog on a moan.
“Stop, Dee!” he laughs, shaking the truck with each chuckle.
I put the dog in my mouth and close my eyes when I wrap my lips around it and bite.
“Mmmm.” I lick my lips and laugh when I see his eyes on mine.
“My turn,” he murmurs before crashing his lips with mine.
We’re like horny teenagers, the two of us.
We arrive at Adam’s apartment hours later, tired and ready for sleep. I lean on him while he carries Josie in his arms. I can already picture the bed molding itself as it welcomes me to sleep. My body tenses when we get closer to his condo, and I don’t know why until I see them.
“Mom?” I whisper, and Adam snaps his head towards her.
I try to tame my frizzy hair as we draw closer to her and my dad who is leaning against Adam’s door. Adam hands Josie to me, squeezing my hand quickly, and I look up at his face for reassurance.
My mom rushes towards me, getting in between Adam and me as she air kisses both my cheeks and tries to take Josie out of my arms. My dad only moves so that Adam can unlock his door.
“What are you doing here?” I hold onto Josie a bit tighter than necessary.
“I want to see my grandbaby of course.” She walks into Adam’s condo as if she owns the place and starts to call for Josie as if she were a puppy.
“She’s sleeping,” I tell her the obvious, and my mom looks back at me expectantly. “I’m not waking her up at this time.” I leave my parents alone with Adam while I settle Josie into her crib. I take some cleansing breaths before going back out to meet my parents, but no amount of oxygen can cleanse me of my parent’s disdain towards me.
“How about some water, dear?” My mom asks when she sees me and fans her face for emphasis. I sigh quietly, but smile when Adam lifts his eyebrows at me in question. I grab her a glass like the well-trained daughter that I am and return it to her quickly.
“You haven’t called once to ask about Josie since she was born.” I hand my mom a glass of water and am proud when my hands don’t shake. “Why are you really here?”
“We were in Spain.” She waves me off as if that were a legitimate excuse to not call about her granddaughter.
“For ten months?”
“Oh, nonsense,” she laughs. “We traveled all sorts of places since your baby shower. We just got back and I had to rush over here to see that baby.”
“You can’t see her.” I sit down on the couch and look for Adam, who has disappeared into his bedroom. I hope he’s not looking for the gun he keeps locked away.
“Right, the little beauty needs her sleep. You look tired, dear,” she says, and it almost feels like she cares. I mean, at least she didn’t tell me I look horrible. “If you can’t afford a nanny—”
I sigh loudly, interrupting her stream of words. It always comes down to money. Why can’t she see I don’t want her money? I want a mom.
“We’ll pass by tomorrow.” She turns away and begins to walk towards the door.
“No.” I wish Adam were beside me to give me some sort of strength.
“No?” My mom arches an eyebrow in question.
“No,” I sigh and stand up from the couch. “Do you have any idea what I’ve been through?” I feel tears well up but push them back.
“What you’ve been through?” she accuses. “Your boyfriend beat up your father. You got us kicked out of an apartment we bought you. Do you know what we’ve been through?”
“I don’t care,” I tell her and am grateful when Adam comes to me and puts his arm around my waist. I don’t want to argue with them. I just want them to leave. ”You should go.”
“Listen here, young—”
“No,” I interrupt, shaking my head at her. “You listen! I’ve been battling depression since I was a little girl…”
“You’re so dramatic.” My mom rolls her eyes and turns away from me and towards my father who is ready to go. Of course, he was ready to go before he even got here.
“…but you didn’t care or believe it or whatever. You’ve spent your life doing what you want, never once thinking about me, your daughter. Why have a child at all if you don’t want to spend any time with her? When you’re gonna leave the responsibility to nannies? You never saw me!” I no longer try to hold back my tears, but let them stream down my face as Adam keeps ahold of me. “I had to go to the hospital to get help because my parents never cared enough to help me.”
“What do you mean a hospital?” my mom asks with her hand trembling at her lips.
“A hospital for crazy people, Mom. I admitted myself into a psychiatric ward,” I tell her and she inhales deeply.
I’ve let her down; I see it written all over her face. For a second I thought she might actually care, but all she feels is shame. She’ll probably officially denounce me as her daughter. I’m a freak after all. A disappointment.
Adam
Dee’s parents left shortly after she told them about her stay in the hospital. I don’t get it. As a dad, I live and breathe for my little girl. I get now why my dad charged the man that night at the gas station. The guilt over his death no longer haunts me, because I know I’d do the same. I’d kill someone with my bare hands if they ever threatened to hurt Josie. I’d die just as willingly if it meant she was safe.
I hold Dee tightly to my chest and hardly sleep as I watch over her. I don’t want to fall asleep in case she has one of her nightmares. I don’t know if she even knows about them, but sometimes she cries in her sleep and only finds peace after I sing softly to her. As the tears stop rolling down her cheek, she breathes my name softly and I know she wants me. And maybe, just maybe this time I’ll be enough.
“That face,” Adam tells me when I leave our bathroom with a green mask plastered to my face, “is the face millions dream about.”
I salute him with my middle finger and walk past him to open the door for Hayley and Max, both of which are accustomed to my face masks and don’t bother commenting on it.
Surprisingly, I have slept well since my parent’s visit five days ago. I didn’t think I would, but it feels so good to be in Adam’s arms that I quickly drift to sleep. This morning I was fortunate to wake up with the condo smelling of deliciously greasy food.
“What’s this?” I asked him and he shrugged. I squealed in delight when I found him stirring homemade gravy with biscuits in the oven and bacon cooking on the stove. Some of my favorite comfort food. Adam had been trying to ease my heart of my parents and the resentful space they always seem to leave after even the briefest of visits.
“Know what my favorite part of you is?” I asked and giggled shamelessly when his face reddened. “I mean you have beautiful hair and amazing eyes,” I teased, purposely prolonging his discomfort. “But your best feature is your heart.”
“You can’t see my heart,” he countered, throwing a kitchen towel at my face.
“I can see yours, and it’s beautiful.”
I smile at the memory of our exchange and the kiss we shared after his initial shock at my little confession.
Hayley quickly takes Josie away from Adam and she squeals at the sight of her aunt, much like how I had squealed at the sight of some of my favorite comfort foods.
“I’ve got a surprise for you.” Max points to his laptop and I clap my hands.
“You did it?” I ask, not trying to contain my excitement.
“I did more than just your cover.”
I lift my eyebrows at him and follow him to Adam’s couch. Adam and I watch as Max starts his laptop and I tap my feet impatiently. After a few strokes, Max hands his laptop to me and I gasp. The cover is beautiful. It epitomizes everything I had wanted to portray; strength, beauty, femininity. It’s all there.
“What else?” I ask excitedly, unable to fatho
m what else he’s created.
“I did the template for bookmarks and a banner for your Facebook and Twitter pages.”
“You kick some serious ass, Max.”
“Yeah, well, there’s more.” He smiles back at me, taking his laptop back. “Adam sent me the final draft of your manuscript and…” Max hands it back to me and I feel my throat tighten when I see it.
“It’s perfect,” I tell him after going through several of the pages and give him a quick hug. “You’re perfect,” I tell Adam, kissing him quickly on the cheek.
I continue to click through the newly formatted version of my book and can’t believe how beautiful it is. Max put a lot of effort into making everything about my book beautiful. I just hope my words and story line have done it justice.
“It’s gonna be great.” Adam returns my kiss and pulls me closer to him.
“Thank you,” I whisper, hoping his words are true. “I want it so bad.”
“You’ll get it.”
“Too much lovey dovey bullshit in here,” Hayley says, breaking our trance. “We’re out.” She takes Max by the hand and drags him out before I have the chance to thank him again.
“You have strange friends,” Adam laughs.
“Yeah, but my boyfriend makes up for it. He’s pretty amazing.”
“Yeah, he is,” Adam agrees and I laugh.
“Thank you for asking Max to format my book.”
“Anything for you, sweetie.”
“Careful Adam, that big beautiful heart of yours is showing.”
“And it’s all yours.”
“Yeah?” I lift my eyebrows, feeling playful and trace his ear with my tongue. “For how long?” I whisper in his ear.
“Long after you no longer want it.” His eyes watch me, and I feel the electricity between us change to a much more somber tone, so I cup his face in my hands and feel my heart expand when he leans into it.
“A lifetime with you wouldn’t be enough.”
“You’ve got my heart for eternity, Dee,” he says and kisses the palm of my hand.
I close my hand and bring it to my heart, holding his promise inside of it.
“You’ve got me for eternity too,” I say, but he looks away from me with an almost pained expression.
“Adam?”
He kisses my lips before settling down on the floor with Josie so they can play. I lie down on the couch and watch them while I stroke Adam’s hair.
I don’t know if Adam will ever believe how much I want him, but I’m gonna do my best to show him every day. He stood by me no matter what. At the time, I was blinded by my own despair to notice his. I see him now. I see the hurt and sadness behind his eyes. Not all the time, but it’s there, and I want to erase those feelings of self-doubt. I want him to see himself through my eyes.
I just wish I knew why he felt the way he does.
I ruffle Adam’s hair, and he turns his head slightly to look at me with a look of happiness on his face, so I take the opportunity to kiss him on the cheek before I go to the bathroom.
I hum quietly to myself as I scrub the mask off of my face. After applying the moisturizer, I skip out of the bathroom into the bedroom, feeling light hearted and happy.
As I go to open the bedroom door, I hear Adam’s voice mixed in with another male voice and my stomach clenches. I’m in for a busy morning. After a deep inhale, I leave the safety of Adam’s bedroom to greet Juan, my parents' attorney.
“You look well,” Juan says awkwardly after we shake hands. I know Juan well enough to know this is his only round of pleasantries before he plummets into business, so I nod my head at him, ready to hear it. “Your parents want custody of your daughter,” he sighs, and I inhale sharply at his statement.
Okay, so I lied, I’m not ready to hear it.
“They can’t have her,” Adam says, holding Josie close to him, and I nod my head in agreement.
“Juan—” I begin, but he interrupts me.
“I want to know if you want me to represent you.”
I look back at him, my eyes wide with shock. “You’re not going to represent them?”
“I’ve witnessed their relationship with you for twenty years.” He pauses, looking at me apologetically. “There was never anything I could do to help you, but now I can. I won’t let them take your daughter and neglect her when she can stay in a home that’ll take care of her.”
It’s almost refreshing to know that he saw what I felt all those years, that it wasn’t some warped part of my imagination. He saw their indifference, knows my parents should have done better by me, and doesn’t want the cycle to continue with my little girl.
“Juan,” I begin, but nothing seems adequate. How do you thank a man who did his best to ensure my well-being when my own parents turned a blind eye? I know it was him who found the best schools for me to attend, who purchased my first car that had a five star rating in safety, and who’d pushed my parents to buy me a condo when Josh died.
“I know the route they’ll take to try to gain custody, so we have the upper hand.”
Adam gestures for Juan to sit so we all sit on the couch and wait for Juan to continue.
“They’ll use my stay at the hospital against me.” I feel my body begin to tremble, but relax when Adam runs his hands in circles on my back.
“They have years’ worth of medical records to show that you have dealt with depression since you were in your early teens.”
“Then they should also have years’ worth of records to show my parents refused for me to see a therapist or be put on meds.”
“They’re going to push for you to be drug tested—”
“I don’t do drugs,” I interrupt, and Juan turns his attention to Adam.
“Neither do I,” Adam says after a few beats.
“Then being tested won’t be a problem,” Juan says, and we both nod. “Dee,” he sighs, obviously not wanting to move forward with his next question. “Dee, they’re going to bring up things about your past. You’re going to have to face them, admit to them, and make the arbitrator believe it’s not something you’d repeat.”
I nod, fully aware of what he’s talking about, but not wanting it spoken any more than Juan wanted to say them. I don’t justify what I did, but I needed a release and that was the only release I found until Josh found me.
But I’d never hurt my daughter. That’s what’s underneath everything that is left unspoken; he’s not completely sure I won’t but he wants to believe in me.
“I’m a good mom,” I tell him. “Maybe I wasn’t in the beginning, but I am now. I’d never hurt Josie. I’d never do anything that would hurt her.”
I mean what I say and feel it inside me when Juan believes it too.
“Mr. Pena,” Juan turns his attention to Adam, and I raise my eyebrows in question. Mr. Pena? “They’ll try to dredge up things from your past, so it’d be a good idea to list things you believe will be harmful to your character.”
Adam looks back at him grimly, but nods.
Shortly after Juan leaves, I tell Adam what he was talking about. About a past I long to forget, full of so much emotional pain, my only outlet was to hurt myself. Once upon a time I cut myself to release all the anger holed up inside of me. But mostly to fill myself of something other than the loneliness I felt deep inside of my bones. Physical pain is of no consequence, it’s the emotional pain that can handicap a person.
“I didn’t know Pena was your last name,” I say to ease the tension, and he grins, a sweet, boyish grin that tugs at my heartstrings.
“Not a great name for a rock star.”
“So you changed it?”
“Nah.” He shakes his head. “I wouldn’t change my dad’s last name. It’s all I’ve got left of him,” he shrugs. “I use my mom’s maiden name for the band, but kept my dad’s name for me.”
“It kinda suits you,” I say, and he lifts his eyebrows in question. “Pena.” I smile. “You hide it well on stage, but I see you, Adam, and you’re shy.
”
He smiles back at me and cups my chin in his hand. “You see me, huh?”
I nod once before he kisses me on the lips and moves away, taking me with him so that I’m leaning into his body with Josie still propped on his lap. I tickle Josie’s feet and she throws her head back in laughter in a way that reminds me of Josh. Josh was the confident one in our group. He was the one whose laughter echoed long after his last chuckle.
“Tell me about your dad.”
I feel Adam tense and wish I hadn’t said anything. As if today weren’t stressful enough, my dumb ass brings up something painful.
“I’m sorry, Adam. I shouldn’t have…” I trail off as Adam’s silence deafens me.
“What do you want to know?”
I move away so I can look up at him, and there’s no trace of the hurt I heard in his voice on his face. With my eyes closed I shake my head, but he holds me still with his hand again cupping my chin.
“I’ll tell you anything you want to know, sweetie.”
“I just wanted to know the type of person he was.” I shrug. “Your mom told me about the night he—” I shake my head again. I’m an idiot. “But she never told me about him.”
I feel Adam shift, so I sit up and watch him as he puts Josie in her stroller. Once she’s buckled in, he extends his hand out to me, which I take without question.
“Let’s take Josie to the beach.”
I follow him out the door, but he takes my hand again after locking it, and we hold on to one another as we make the short one mile hike to the beach from Adam’s condo. Once we stretch our towels out and give Josie her beach toys, he begins to talk.
“I was really young when my dad died – six years old. I only have small snippets of memories of him, but they’re all good. So I guess he was a good guy.” He shrugs.
I look over at Adam, and I know he remembers more than he’s letting on, or else the pained expression in his eyes wouldn’t be so pronounced.