by Yessi Smith
Adam
In one moment, in a lifetime of moments, I thought I was lost. Gone, never to hold Dee or Josie again. But in that same moment, I remembered my promise. I promised Dee always, and always is what I intend to give her. I fought through the darkness and confusion and pain so I could get back to her, to my home and family. I fought so I could keep my promise to her and to myself.
I kept my promise and through it I'm able to realize the gift I’ve been given. Corny, I know, but my life is a gift. Every life that has touched mine, even for the briefest of moments, are gifts. It’s hard to see that when you’re grieving and blaming yourself. But now that the grief and guilt are gone, I can see more clearly.
I’m here on this earth for her, my girl, and the daughter she gave me. They are my purpose and my life. I won’t squander that away with shame and heartbreak for things outside of my control that are long past.
Just like I told Dee, we’ll live for today and cherish what we have.
Josh - Four Years Later
Like a breath of fresh air, Dee walked into my life and left her mark on every part of me. One lifetime with her wouldn’t have been enough, and ironically we weren’t even granted that much.
I wasn’t exactly a good person, but when I was with her I felt good. The first time our eyes met, I felt hope. When she smiled at me and introduced me to my obsession with her dimples, I knew I’d give anything to have her in my life. In the end, I gave everything for her and still sometimes I don’t think it was enough. Given the chance, I’d do it all over for her.
I’d live for her so that I could see the smile that I miss every day. I’d die for her so she could find the happiness and strength she couldn’t find with me.
When Dee came crashing into my life, her emotions ran so vast I’d get lost in her and forget about myself. When she held me, I believed in fate and destiny, and knew our future would be worth every hardship I had endured before her. When she kissed me, she kissed away all the wrong I had ever done, and made me right.
I’d do it again without any regrets, because the woman she became when I ceased to be is a magnificent creature whose sorrows no longer surface unexpectedly. The tidal waves of her depression no longer hold her hostage. The life she has created without me is far greater than I could ever have hoped for her.
The future I had seen when I first met Dee, wasn’t for us. I just laid a foundation of sorts. My death shattered her, but it was in her ability to fall apart so completely that healed her and made her whole.
She is a tale worth knowing. Loving Dee was my only redeeming quality and one of the few things in my life I had done right. I have found comfort in knowing that. Just as I have found comfort in knowing she can love and be loved indefinitely by someone who isn’t me. That comfort envelops me as I watch her eyes brimming with joy over the sound of her new baby’s heartbeat on the monitor. No longer living in the past, she embraces her life and the life growing inside of her.
I’m proud of her and of my best friend who did what I never could. He thinks only of his girls. Adam’s every breath and every thought is for them. He left the band behind without any remorse. He lived our dream and then packed it away when family called. He’s made a life with a career that centers him and keeps him close to home.
He gave my daughter a dad and makes sure she knows me. He gave Dee a future worth living. And now he’s having a son. They don’t know it yet, it’s still too early but I’m privy to such information.
Not every man in my situation can say they’re happy with how it all turned out, but I am. There’s joy in knowing you’ve loved and been loved by someone as special as Dee.
EXCERPT FROM
The Repeating History Series
Exclusive Excerpt
MJ Morphis
Summer 2007
I’m getting ready for the last senior party before everyone heads off to college. I normally don’t go to these types of parties, or any parties really. I’m making an exception tonight though because I feel it’s time to actually do something out of my comfort zone. Tonight I won’t worry about consequences. I will do whatever I want, whenever I want, and with whomever I want. I’m eighteen years old and tired of trying to please everyone with being “the good girl”. My ex-boyfriend, Guy, of four years broke up with me last week because he ‘didn’t have time for me.’” I guess he had enough time for, Faith, who he had sex with later that night. Yeah, of course I was sad and hurt at first, but now I’m just pissed that I wasted so much time on him.
My phone buzzes on the bathroom counter breaking me from my thoughts.
Jessica: Are you ready yet?
Me: Almost. Five minutes.
I look at the girl staring back at me in the mirror. Normally I just try to look decent enough not to scare people, but tonight I’m going for hot. I left my long blonde hair down and decided to straighten it versus going with my natural wavy look. My eye shadow is a smoky grey and I applied so many coats of waterproof mascara I lost count. It helped to bring out my blue-green eyes so it was worth it. I pull down my little V-neck, black dress for about the tenth time since I put it on. How can girls wear dresses like this and still manage to function without flashing the whole world?
My phone buzzes again.
Jessica: Hurry up boo. We’re already late!!!!
Me: Chill. Walking out now.
“Mom, I’m leaving. See ya later,” I say as I peek into her room.
She smiles up from the book she’s reading. “Okay, sweetie. Have fun and be careful.”
My mom is the best. She pretty much lets me do whatever I want.
As I walk out to Jes’ blue Ford truck, I can already hear the radio blasting MiMS’ “This Is Why I’m Hot”. I laugh silently and open her passenger door.
“Damn Ainsley!” she screams, while turning down the music. “You’re seriously going to start some shit tonight.”
I look at her confused, because how can she know that before we even get to the party.
“Stop being dramatic, Jes.” I sigh.
She rolls her eyes. “You look freakin’ hot. Just watch. This is your first time being single since ninth grade. Every guy there is going to try to hit that before you leave.”
“Oh my God, did you really just say ‘hit that’?” I giggle.
“Unfortunately that probably includes that prick, Guy. I heard Faith has already left to go to Florida State, so he’ll be looking for someone to fuck tonight,” she adds.
I flinch at her words. “Whatever. I wouldn’t touch him again if he was the last person on earth. I’m going out to have a good time with you. That’s all.”
She smiles wickedly at me before backing out of the driveway.
My heart immediately beats faster.
Jes rarely smiles like that, but when she does it’s never good for me.
“Jes, just spit it out!”
She briefly glances in my direction, her smile is still scary as hell.
“Well, I heard Greyson changed his mind and decided to come to the party. I’m just wondering how long it’ll take before you give in to those dimples of his.” She chuckles and turns the music back up as if she didn’t just drop that huge atomic bomb on me.
My heart starts to beat so fast and hard I swear I can hear it over the ridiculously loud music playing in her truck. Greyson Blevins is the hottest guy I’ve ever seen. His hair is cut in a short black Mohawk and he has the most intense green eyes, but nothing can beat his perfect smile – it’s impossible to resist. His lips are full and kissable and when he smiles, his dimples make you see stars. I’ve had a crush on him for as long as I can remember. When I moved to Tampa in eighth grade he was the first to befriend me. We were inseparable until Guy asked me out. I said yes to Guy because while Greyson was nice to me, he never acted as if he was interested in anything more than being friends. Guy is the exact opposite of Greyson. Guy looks like an Abercrombie model with his blond spiked hair and baby blue eyes. After I started dating Guy, Greyson ac
ted as if he forgot I existed. I missed his friendship but I tried not to let it bother me. Even though I was happy with Guy, every time I saw Greyson with another girl, my heart broke a little. I would never be what he wanted and I needed to get over that.
I made the mistake of telling Jes this during one of our girl nights. She never liked Guy and always tried to convince me that I deserved better. I just brushed it off. Guy could be really charming, but as time went on he started changing into a demanding and selfish prick who apparently cheated on me more than one occasion.
I take some deep breaths and tell myself not to get worked up. It’s not like Greyson ever wanted me so why would tonight be any different?
We pull up to Ashley’s house and I try getting out of the truck without flaunting my black cheekie style panties to the few people standing outside drinking and talking. “Party Like A Rockstar” is playing when we walk in the door. Jes immediately starts jumping up and down before she leans in to scream in my ear, “This is going to be epic!” I laugh out loud and nod my head.
Jes is such a beautiful girl and tonight she looks stunning in her blood red dress. She has an ebony complexion, a bright smile and wears contacts that make her eyes appear purple. Her body is what men dream of, medium build with an ass that demands a second look.
This will be my only chance at being a little reckless since college isn’t going to be easy. I have to make sure I keep up my GPA or I’ll lose my scholarships. My mom is a single mother and I can’t burden her with student loans. I’m only going to get this one chance and I refuse to screw it up.
As Jes and I walk around the house, I notice everyone staring at me and whispering. This is exactly why I hate going to shit like this. People are always judging you, but tonight I’m not going to let it bother me at all.
Just as the soon as I finish my thought, Greyson walks in with his younger brother, Hayes and Hayes’ best friend, Talon. My mouth drops open and my eyes widen.
Damn it, why does he have to be so freakin’ hot?
Greyson is wearing a tight black shirt and worn jeans that hang loose on his hips in that sexy way, he looks mouthwatering. I manage to drag my eyes away from him and move them to the two party crashers at his side. Of course Hayes and Talon would crash the senior party. Those two are always looking for trouble. Luckily for them, one glance at their playful faces is all you need to forget what they had done wrong. The three Blevins brothers have always been good looking. Thomas is two years older than Greyson and Hayes is two years younger. I’m actually surprised Thomas isn’t here also. Normally he is always up for a party, I guess he really was taking school seriously. I’d heard through our mutual friends that he was taking his studies even more serious than usual now that he was trying to get into medical school.
Greyson scans the room slowly before his eyes finally come to rest on me. His gaze locks with mine and he lifts his left eyebrow in appreciation. That’s when I notice he pierced it since graduation.
And just when I thought he couldn’t get any hotter.
I watch his eyes slowly leave my face, falling to my chest and waist, then going down my long tanned legs. My legs look extra-long tonight thanks to the heels I’m wearing. His eyes dart back up to my face after what feels like hours, but in reality is probably only a matter of seconds. The look he gives me has my stomach clenching.
Before I know it, his look turns into what appears to be anger before storming away from me. Seconds later I realize why.
Guy sneaks up behind me and I feel his hot breath whispering in my ear.
“Damn Ainsley, you’re killin’ me!”
I turn around swiftly and grind out between my clenched teeth, “Get away from me. Right. Now.”
He holds up his hands like he’s giving up, but when his eyes take in the low V in the front of my dress he bites his lower lip and lets out a little moan before looking back at my face.
“Ainsley. Baby. We need to talk.”
I can smell the alcohol on him. Great, he is already drunk.
Just the thought of talking to him makes me sick. I glance around and realize everyone is watching us.
“No, Guy, we don’t. There is nothing you can say to me that will change my mind about us.”
He has the nerve to look pissed.
“I just wanna apologize to you in private. You can do that for me, right? After all we’ve been through,” he says, trying to use his sweet voice but I can see he’s forcing it.
I think Jes is just about to give him a few choice words or maybe a kick to the balls, when Greyson shows up at my side.
“Hey, mind if we talk for a second?” Greyson asks, his eyes darting between Guy and myself.
It takes me a minute to register that he’s actually talking to me.
Asking to be alone with me.
I look to Jes with wide eyes and she has the nerve to give me that damn smirk. I just want to run from all of it before I realize, this is it. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for. I’m
finally going to do what I want to do.
I look Greyson directly in those swoon worthy eyes.
“Not at all, but can we take this to a more private place?” I beam.
He gives me a sheepish smile, nods his head and holds out an arm to indicate for me to lead the way.
Without further hesitation, I turn and head toward the backyard.
I can hear the music fade as we walk out the sliding glass door and onto the crowded porch. I’m immediately regretting my decision to be alone with him because I have no clue what to do or where to go. I haven’t had a real conversation with him in years.
Before things get really awkward I look around for a quiet, secluded place. On the other side of the pool, I notice a wooden swing so I start in that direction. I’m only vaguely aware of him following me, because I’m distracted by a commotion at the pool.
Hayes and Talon have made themselves comfortable by stripping down to just their boxer briefs and jumping into the pool. I stop to take in Hayes as he pulls himself up from the side of the pool not bothering to use the ladder. He is about five foot ten and slender, but you can tell by the way his arms and back flex that he works out often. I watch in amazement as the water slowly runs down his neck and down every single ripple of his toned back.
Greyson clears his throat before asking, “Are you really eye fucking my younger brother while I’m standing right here?”
I don’t miss the hint of hurt in his voice. I’m not sure why he would be jealous of Hayes, when in my opinion no one even comes close to him.
I decide to just ignore his comment, since denying that I was ogling his brother would just be a lie and I try really hard not to lie. Plus, any female and maybe even some males, will tell you not looking at any of Blevins brothers shirtless would be a sin.
I carefully tread through the grass in my heels, the last thing I need right now is to bust my ass. Once I reach the swing I sit very carefully on it, holding my dress down in the process. Greyson sits with ease on the other end then turns slightly toward me before placing his right ankle on top of his left knee.
The way I’m sitting is uncomfortable, so I cross my right leg over my left and turn as much as I can to face him. I watch as those fascinating green eyes take in my black peep toe heels and work their way up my thin, long legs. My heart starts racing when his gaze reaches my breasts. I don’t have the biggest breasts but what I do have is pushed up to show a decent amount of cleavage. Greyson shifts where he is sitting and it causes the bench to move slightly.
“So, um, what did you need to talk about?” I ask nervously.
“I really just wanted to get you away from that fuck stick, but now that I have you alone I want to know how you’ve been doing?” he questions.
“I’ve been alright I guess. What about you and your family?” I ask while turning my head to look at him, hoping he can see the plea in my eyes not to press me for more.
Greyson and Jes are the only two people that I’ve told ab
out my past.
He looks concerned, but continues anyway.
“Pretty good. I’ll be going to the University of Florida in the next week or so. Thomas is doing great at college and will be going for his bachelor’s, then he will apply to medical school.”
I can’t help the smile that forms on my face. I’m so proud of Thomas. I bet he will be just as successful as their father – who is an Orthopedic Surgeon.
“I’m not really sure you need me to tell you how Hayes has been.”
I laugh. “I think he has gotten worse.”
“You have no idea. Try living with the asshole.”
I instantly think of his mom who I know is in her last trimester. I wonder how she deals with pregnancy, a husband and three Blevins boys. She is like Wonder Woman.
“How’s your mom?”
His face lights up with love and those panty-dropping dimples appear.
“She’s amazing, actually! Moxley is due in September, hopefully on my nineteenth birthday. She is an unexpected surprise, but a very welcome one. Mox will be the most protected, precious and doted on little girl in the world.”
He has always been amazing with kids and just hearing him talk about his unborn baby sister melts my heart.
“Where are you going to college?” he asks.
“I’m going to UF as well. I received enough in scholarships that I won’t have to pay for my tuition or my dorm room.”
We hear a lot of screaming and chanting coming from the pool so we turn to see what, or rather who, is causing the fuss. Apparently Hayes and Talon have decided to have a contest to see who can do the best back flips off the diving board.
“Those two haven’t changed at all,” I chuckle.
He grins and shakes his head in agreement. Suddenly his grin turns from playful to mischievous. Greyson stands up quickly and before I know it he grabs my hand and pulls me to stand up.