“I need some time to work out how to deal with my feelings since you’ve been quite open about the fact that you don’t feel that way about me and never will.” She tried to sound rational, business-like. And she tried so hard not to show how much the words cost her—especially when she saw a quick flash of guilt cross his features.
He ran a hand through his thick hair in that unmistakable gesture of frustration he’d perfected. “You were a virgin,” he rationalised. “You’re romanticising this relationship because you’ve had no other lover.”
She couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped, even though her heart felt unbearably heavy. His expression told her he couldn’t relate at all to the feelings she was expressing and was clearly irritated by them. A huge stone of emotion lodged in her chest at his outright rejection when she was handing him her heart. Nothing, no pain she’d ever experienced, had crushed her like this.
“I see.” Slowly, perhaps for self-preservation, anger rose up through the layers of sorrow. “I suppose the solution to that is to take another lover. Then I can make comparisons and—”
“You will never have another lover.” His words were deadly quiet and deceivingly calm. Only the ticking of a muscle in his cheek and the clenching of his fists told her she’d hit her mark.
“It’s the obvious solution, Khalid. I take another lover then I realise what I feel for you is purely sexual,” she threw at him. “That way we can get down to business again and achieve the happy state of equilibrium you want from life—great sex and getting on with the job of improving our countries.”
“Don’t even consider it.”
“Or what?” she threw at him. “What do you care if I have a lover when you don’t love me?”
There was a white line of tension around his mouth. “We made vows. I expect you to honour them.” Each word grated out through clenched teeth.
Tears overflowed and she scrubbed them away from her cheeks with the back of her hands. “I expect you to listen to me when I tell you how I feel, not just discount what I say and treat me like some silly child with a crush.” She took a deep breath and steeled herself to continue as he got out of bed and moved restlessly around the room. “I know that it’s you who makes it possible for me to face every day in this whole crazy situation. No, more than just possible. You make every single day worthwhile.”
“That’s because we’re working together, achieving together,” he argued. “It’s because you’re relying on me to guide you through each day until you learn the ropes. You have nobody else to trust.”
“I love waking up with you,” she continued quietly, willing him to really listen to and hear what she was saying.
He shrugged her comment away with impatience. “We share a close physical compatibility.”
“I love watching you, hearing the sound of your voice …” She moved her hand around in the air as she implored him to understand. “I love seeing the way you interact with people, having you by my side, making love with you, talking together.” Both hands were extended palms up. “I love all of it, Khalid. My heart catches with every glance or smile you send my way and I yearn each day for the time when we can be alone.” She wasn’t sure how much more she could say. Again, she wiped away tears. “I truly love you, even though you shut me out when the conversation starts to turn personal. I know you desire me. I’m glad you support me. But I need more. Why can’t you love me?” She gulped then swallowed down on the emotion that constricted her throat to the point that every breath took effort.
“Am I really so unlovable?”
His features froze and every muscle in his body seemed tight enough to snap.
She’d come across too needy. She shouldn’t have told him. It was too soon and she sounded way too desperate.
“I care for you but I don’t do love, Sabihah.” Khalid picked up a pair of long pants from the floor where he’d discarded them and pulled them on with grim movements. “I warned you not to expect it.”
“You did,” she agreed in a small voice. “It’s not like I set out to feel that way about you. It’s just happened.” She shifted, helpless under his scrutiny. “I didn’t want to come here and rule Rhajia, but that’s happened too and I don’t regret it.”
His withdrawal from her was made with all the determined precision of a military commander ordering a tactical retreat in the thick of combat. It was a clear signal the discussion was finished, the battle over. So why did she still feel as though she should be standing up to him and fighting?
“What are you scared of, Khalid? What are you running from? Was the relationship you had before Inaya so bad that you’re going to let it affect the rest of your life?”
The chill in his eyes told her she’d failed to reach him. Instead of breaking down the walls he’d erected around his heart, it seemed he was fortifying them with every word she spoke. The chasm between them widened every second.
“Don’t try to psychoanalyse me, Sabihah. You don’t know me well enough to attempt it.”
Her short laugh contained no humour. “That’s just my point, Khalid. I don’t know you, yet I’m your wife and I should. There’s nothing unusual or wrong about a couple who are married sharing basic information. It usually happens before they marry.” He shot her a warning look but she ignored it. “This marriage has been all on your terms. How you expect it to last when you won’t communicate with me is beyond me. It’s arrogant beyond words.”
“So now I’m arrogant?”
“Oh, you’ve always been arrogant,” she retorted. “Arrogant, pig-headed, pushy—”
“Yet you claim to love me.”
“Yes.” She couldn’t help but smile in exasperation at his perplexed expression. “That’s what love is, Khalid—an emotion you can’t suppress despite knowing the other person has faults.”
His back went ramrod straight, a blood vessel at the base of his neck pulsed visibly—probably in outrage—and his body language was a study in stubborn defensiveness. If things weren’t so tense between them she would have thought it was hilarious. Surely she wasn’t the first person to tell him he was less than perfect?
Suddenly, the palpable tension between them made her very tired and all the fight drained out of her. It was impossible to force emotions from him that he wasn’t capable of feeling for her. He couldn’t surrender to feelings he didn’t possess so there was no victory here for either of them.
“You’re right about one thing.” His voice was clipped. “We need some time apart so you can put things into perspective.” He turned away from her and put on a shirt before facing her again. “You have a council of excellent advisors to guide you. I will return to Turastan in the morning and begin preparations for the World Cup.”
He began walking to the door.
“Where are you going now?” she asked, but wondered if it really mattered at this point.
“You’re being overly emotional. I think we should keep some distance until you’ve straightened things out in your head.” His voice was cold and biting. He regarded her as though he resented her for her declaration, for changing the status quo between them. “I will sleep in another room tonight.”
With that, he was gone.
Part of her was glad he’d left before he witnessed her steady trickle of tears turn into a deluge. Her heart shattered in agony at the knowledge he would never return her love.
Fool! Sabrina berated herself. What had she been thinking?
His rejection of her when she’d been brave enough to voice the truth of her feelings scalded more than deeply than boiling oil. She was burnt and the damage was so deep no bandage would be enough to help her heal or recover from his rejection. At this moment it looked like she’d be scarred forever.
She’d been delusional to hope her declaration would prompt a similar one from Khalid. And yet, they’d shared so much together. He always made love to her with exquisite tenderness, not like a man who was merely slaking his physical lust. All the thoughtfulness and considera
tion he’d shown her, the patience with which he’d explained matters of state … She would’ve sworn he felt more deeply for her than he admitted.
Evidently she’d been wrong.
She’d gambled and lost.
Now she felt cast adrift on a vast ocean with no rescue in sight. How did she regroup and go on from this point?
She sniffled as the warm tears continued to roll down her cheeks.
A memory formed in her mind. She was a child in her mother’s arms. Both of them were wrapped securely in the warm, strong embrace of her father and he was saying how much he loved them both. The feeling of belonging, the knowledge that she was truly loved had been wonderful. Now she was trapped in a loveless marriage knowing she’d never experience that priceless feeling again. She may as well have been locked in a cold, damp dungeon and told she’d never again see the sun.
She wrapped her arms around herself. She rocked back and forth slightly in an attempt at self-comfort. More than anything else, she wished Khalid loved her. It would be wonderful if the child she suspected she carried could be raised in the security of knowing that he or she was part of a close, loving family. She couldn’t bring herself to tell Khalid she thought she was pregnant, not when she knew this child had been conceived in lust rather than in mutual love. She wouldn’t risk telling him yet—not when she didn’t know just what the future would bring for her and her child.
Chapter Twelve
“If you love your husband, it’s time you hot-footed it to Turastan to win him back,” Helen announced forcibly as she thrust a newspaper under Sabrina’s nose two mornings later. “Even if you don’t, you need to make sure he doesn’t make a fool of you.”
Sabrina was suffering from her first bout of morning sickness after a couple of sleepless nights and had elected to eat breakfast in her room. Since Khalid had returned to Turastan, she’d been feeling listless. It took all her effort to focus on the newspaper heading.
Prince Khalid’s “former” lover arrives at the palace and spends the night!
The newspaper title was shocking enough, but the clear photo of Khalid standing with his arm around another woman was a hard and direct punch that winded Sabrina. The word Inaya as good as jumped off the paper and choked her.
“Not that I think he’s worth it,” Helen continued, “but if you’re going to be stuck with him in marriage, it’s time to go and lay down the law to him and put an end to his playboy ways once and for all.”
Sabrina was paralysed. All she could do was stare at the photo while the newspaper’s heading taunted her.
It was unbelievable. Khalid had sworn there’d be no other women in his bed. Now, after their first disagreement, he was back with Inaya. How could he do this? It was a clear illustration of the futility of Sabrina’s love for him. Perhaps he was trying to make that very point.
Even if the photo was a deliberate tactic to shock some ‘sense’ into her, it was soul-destroying to see this evidence of his betrayal. She would’ve sworn he was serious about keeping his vows. God knew he was adamant she should keep hers. What a hypocrite! The little she’d known about him, all that she’d come to respect, was false. Now she’d never be able to trust him again.
“Go to Turastan now and sort this out,” Helen urged.
Sabrina opened her mouth to speak but discovered grief had robbed her of her voice.
“If you don’t go, child, I’ll go and give him a piece of my mind!”
“He promised me … He told me his relationship with Inaya was over.”
“Well, it sure doesn’t look over to me.”
Sabrina straightened her spine. “In that case, he can have her. It’s over with me.”
The words were so easy to say, but inside she felt every cell shatter from his duplicity. Life without Khalid didn’t bear thinking about. It’d been hard enough facing the last forty-eight hours without him. But by the same token she couldn’t live with him if she couldn’t trust him.
“I mightn’t be able to divorce him, but I sure as hell don’t have to see him again.”
“How can you avoid him?” Helen asked.
“I’m Queen of Rhajia. That has to count for something. I’ll make sure he’s barred from the palace.”
Could she do it?
It would be what he deserved. “Being married to a man who doesn’t love me is bad enough—living with a man who is unfaithful is something I will not tolerate.” As for access to their child …
Her stomach lurched and she gripped the edge of the breakfast table. The room started to spin and Sabrina’s nausea increased ten-fold. She only just made it to the bathroom before she brought up all her breakfast.
Following her, Helen placed a supportive hand on Sabrina’s back and made soothing noises. When the nausea finally abated and her stomach was completely empty, Sabrina struggled to her feet and over to the basin to freshen herself up.
“Are you pregnant?” Helen asked.
Totally miserable, Sabrina nodded. “All the signs are there.”
“The bastard!” Helen cried. “As soon as he’s made sure the union of Rhajia and Turastan is assured, he leaves you to return to his mistress!”
Her hand stilled midway to reaching for her toothpaste and brush. Was that why Khalid had been such an attentive lover? She stifled a small cry with her fist. Feeling incredibly naive and vulnerable, she realised he may have bedded her more out of duty than desire. Had their marriage bed been all about him doing his duty to produce an heir? Their child would unite the lands. He or she would one day be the ruler of both nations. It had been the goal of both their fathers.
“He doesn’t know.” Her words sounded hollow. Logic told her that if his aim had been to get her pregnant—the absence of her period during their time together would surely tell him he’d succeeded. Now, he’d gone.
“You haven’t told him?”
“This is the first morning I’ve been sick. I’ve suspected, but haven’t had it confirmed.”
“Then to betray and publicly humiliate you before he’s ensured you’re pregnant—he’s stupider than I thought. This pregnancy would’ve been his number one goal.”
Number one goal? “Surely not,” Sabrina denied, but even as she spoke she knew Helen’s suspicions made sense. They hadn’t once used any birth control. Her stomach cramped again but there was nothing more to bring up.
Her movements were mechanical as she set about brushing her teeth.
Helen paced the room behind her. “It’s the one way to make sure the two countries are united. Of course this was his goal.”
Looking in the mirror, Sabrina saw the pain of Khalid’s unfaithfulness in the emptiness of her eyes before tears blurred her image.
No. She wouldn’t cry over him. He wasn’t worth it. He was a dishonest, shallow playboy who’d uttered false promises and lies.
He’s the father of your child.
“Oh, no. You’re in love with him!” Helen burst out.
Sabrina exhaled deeply, rested against the basin for support and closed her eyes. Oh yes, she loved Khalid. But she was finally starting to realise that not only did he not want her love but he didn’t deserve it. She’d fallen in love with an individual she’d never understood and who pushed her every effort at closeness aside.
“He deceived me and I fell for it like an idiot.” She didn’t try to hide her despair as they looked at each other in the mirror.
Helen placed her hand on Sabrina’s shoulder. “He deceived me, too,” she said bitterly. “Until he took off so quickly for Turastan and I read this article in the paper, I really believed he was besotted with you. He was so attentive, so considerate.”
A sharp knock sounded from outside the bedroom door.
Sabrina drew a steadying breath, dabbed at her eyes with a handtowel and left the en suite. “Come in.”
Her personal assistant entered, wringing his hands together even as he bowed. “Your Royal Highness, a fire has broken out in one of the nearby streets. It’s spreading qui
ckly and much damage has been done, but please be assured it’ll be under control before it reaches the palace.”
“Is anyone hurt?”
“Yes, Your Highness. First reports indicate some are suffering from smoke inhalation. Thankfully there doesn’t appear to be anyone trapped inside the buildings.”
“Give me a minute to dress and have a car ready to take me there.”
The man bowed low and Sabrina hurried into the massive walk-in wardrobe with Helen hot on her heels.
“Do you think it’s necessary for you to go?” the older woman asked.
“Of course. There are people who need help. I can at least be there to reassure them, to see the damage and to make sure everything is being done to help.” It would also give her focus. She needed to forget Khalid. As Queen, she had a million things to occupy her time and she would immerse herself in them every daylight hour. During the night, she would cope. She had no choice.
“Are you sure you’re up to it?”
“Trust me, I need to do this.”
“Well for goodness sake just remember you’re pregnant now. Don’t go rushing in to any more fires to save people. There’ll be lots of other people there who can do that.”
It was only a matter of minutes before Sabrina was on her way. Sirens wailed. Thick, dark smoke billowed from the buildings and the people seemed disorganised in their attempts to control the fire.
“Why is there only one fire engine here?” Sabrina demanded of one fireman as she arrived at the scene.
“There’s only one that works, Your Majesty,” he shouted back at her over the din as the wall of a building collapsed.
“Get back!” yelled a police officer to the crowd of onlookers.
As Sabrina made a mental note to look into the provision of all emergency services, she saw a small, crying boy wandering too close to a burning building. Having witnessed the collapse of the other wall and realising the danger, she immediately sprinted toward him.
The heat from the flames was so intense she thought her skin would blister and it was just like the bus accident all over again.
Her heart raced as the urgency of the situation rammed home. The boy must be in shock and disoriented because he was still moving closer to the fire. Her legs carried her forward as though she was in a race. She grabbed him in her arms and turned to run back to safety but a deafening roar sounded behind her. Pieces of burning debris began to hit the ground beside her so she ran harder, the air burning in her lungs, the muscles of her arms straining with the weight of the young child.
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