by Kendra Riley
It’s your fault, and it isn’t at the same time. He was so easy to love… she remembered. Perhaps, it would only be a first date, and it would be something she had to relive every now and then to keep a good memory afloat.
She looked around her apartment, the place she had called home for the past two months. There was no sense of attachment to it. She had barely redecorated or put in touches of her personality.
Zac was a different one, altogether. Why did that incident with Miranda have to happen? Not when she had just declared she was in love with him?
“It’s really not in my system,” she had told him.
“To be naturally nice to people?”
“To date,” she replied. “It’s just not in me, it doesn’t come naturally. I’m bad at this, okay?”
“This isn’t a contest you know. Why be bad at it? You haven’t even given yourself a chance.”
Well, I gave myself a chance alright.
She hadn’t wanted anything bad to happen to him. She wanted him to live. She could still remember everything—that knife ramming into the croc’s skull, Zac screaming in pain, her screaming as well. She didn’t want him to die. The mere fact that he had said they’d have a proper date made her fight back against a beast that weighed a ton, no matter how silly and reckless it seemed now.
She wanted that date, and she got it—only for it to be spoiled by someone who had been with Zac years ago. Miranda intended for her to feel insecure. She wouldn’t let it get to her. She had prided herself on being tough emotionally.
Zac just ruins everything, she thought, not wanting to blame him, but who else could she blame? Herself? Yes, be a proper human being and take the blame for your actions and emotions.
You’re too tough on yourself, Zac’s voice floated in her head. Cut yourself some slack.
She had, and look where it had gotten her now. The joeys hopped out of their pouches, and they began to bounce around. She smiled for a brief moment. Sometimes, the animals seemed far better than humans—less drama. It was all about survival and where their comfort lay, no matter how temporary.
What would she tell her parents? She realized she had to tell them a carefully concocted story. I don’t need to wear a scarlet letter on my shirt when I get back. She couldn’t just say the research and accident left her traumatized. They’d make her go to a shrink. In their minds, she’d need therapy, she’d need time off, or worse—they’d ask her to take a less risky course. This course was her life, her dream.
No damned croc could stop it. They knew how determined she was. If she went home with that excuse, she’d end up hating herself for the rest of her life. Some inner voice told her to fight it off. Ignore Zac and finish her research. Graduate with honors. Proceed with her master’s, then a Doctorate, a PhD. Did that even matter now?
She had changed quickly, in those two months. She had been quiet, eager to please herself and her team. She remembered her sister had joked to bring back an Aussie guy, and she remembered telling herself on the plane that she didn’t have time to develop relationships, without an inkling of what was to come. Zac had sauntered into her life so calmly. He had been friendly, while she had been aloof. They were like fire and ice. She was the ice queen, the one with the bitch face, the one who had thought that animals were everything and that any relationship, serious or short-term, was inconsequential.
He was impossible, after all. She couldn’t bear to fall in love with someone like him. He was just too carefree, too irresponsible with words. Looks great, but he has a personality I can’t tolerate…
Oh man, did she want to kick herself in the shin for it. Regrets came last for a reason. She had to experience the turmoil of her choices, first. Is that what I get for sleeping with someone whose family name I didn’t know until two weeks ago?
And to think she had already told herself she was in love. She couldn’t deny herself that. She truly was in love, and it was what made it hurt even more. The mere thought that Miranda Sweeting had the power to take anyone back at her pleasure was tremendously painful. What was she? Some goddess?
She had read somewhere that there was the possibility of emotionally bonding with someone after a traumatic event. Was this it? This wasn’t the place to like someone, let alone, fall in love with someone.
Was that it, Sara? Remember what Zac said, she told herself. Remember what he said to you.
“Instinct is to run away,” he had said. “That was a conscious effort.”
“I couldn’t leave you.”
He smiled. “So you have grown attached to me.”
There was more to it.
“I want you to remember that I wanted you out of there safe and sound. I need you in my life, Sara,” he suddenly said, closing his eyes. “And I want you to remember that I’m falling in love with you.”
Falling in love was such a romantic declaration, wasn’t it? But when she had heard it, her heart leapt up and down, and she almost couldn’t hide her giddiness. What did it matter now, right? Miranda didn’t say anything, but she was out for blood; she was out for Zac. Perhaps, she had seen something in Zac after her visit to his home, and that spark had turned into a flame once more.
What did they do? She hadn’t even bothered to ask, assuming ugly scenarios. She was overthinking. She took a deep breath, and then she shuddered, hating herself for feeling this way.
*
An unknown number called him, and he wanted to ignore the phone call, but in the end he didn’t. He had been busy brooding in the family study, wondering how the hell that happened, and how his progress with her had been damaged. He was hoping he could still repair it.
“Hello,” he said.
“Zac?”
He’d recognize that voice anywhere. He froze in his seat, and his leg cramped up a bit.
“Yes? Who is it?”
Her voice on the other line laughed softly. “It’s me, silly. Miranda.”
“Oh.”
“How have you been?”
“Where did you get my number?”
“Friends.”
Screw those friends, Zac thought annoyed. “Look, I’m busy at the moment.”
“Can we talk, in person?”
“You know I can’t walk too far.”
“I’ll visit you.”
“I’ll be busy for the next few days.”
“Tea. How about tea?”
“I can’t, Miranda.”
“Did things between you and her sour up?” she breathed out.
“You’re talking like you had something to do with it,” Zac intoned.
“Oh Zac, I may be a mean person at times, but I’m not entirely heartless. I had nothing to do with it. I didn’t recognize her at first, until some reporter began to harass her. Did you get to read this story in the Tribune?”
“No,” he said.
“Well, it says here, that in her haste, she knocked down boxes of chocolates at the grocery store. All to escape talking about you. Aren’t you the lucky one?”
“If I was, then we’d be dating.”
“We’ll have tea as friends,” she suggested. “That sounds about right.”
“You’re inviting yourself over.”
“Like yesterday, silly.”
Sara hadn’t answered his calls or texts, and it was getting him anxious. How was Sara? She had mentioned trauma as her reason for exit. Did she get insomnia like he did? PTSD, he figured. They were both having PTSD… they would heal well together.
“Zac?”
“I can’t, Miranda,” he said, ending the call.
What was going on with Miranda? She was never one to pursue that kind of negative fame. She was all about beauty and fashion, and she hated nature and disliked the volunteer work he did for the Met Zoo. Perhaps, Sara had been right all along.
“You know what she said? She said ‘I had hoped he’d grown up. It was the reason we ended our relationship’. She knows you’ve matured. After that accident.”
Have I matured so wel
l since she left me? I don’t care about maturity, he thought. I only want Sara.
*
Zac was closing his eyes, sitting on a heavily cushioned chair, facing the expanse of his mother’s garden, when a butler announced Miranda’s arrival. Damn, I should have had her banned, he thought. He said nothing. He didn’t even nod.
Miranda breezed in, looking as beautiful and as fresh as ever.
“I’m sorry I’ve been persistent. Tea is good for social gatherings and mending friendships, my grandfather used to say.”
“You’re here,” he said this flatly.
“I did say we were having tea.”
“I told you I was busy.”
“Busy, here?” she laughed a soft laugh. “I asked your butler to bring in some tea and cookies, and your medications.”
“They don’t know my schedule. I know my schedule.”
“Well, you look like you need a painkiller or two.”
“I’m fine. I don’t need my reasoning clouded with drugs.”
The butler came in with tea seconds later, and Zac bit his lower lip for a moment. He thanked the butler and told him to give them some time to talk.
“Why are you here, Miranda?”
Miranda looked at the immaculately manicured garden. She closed her eyes for a moment, to feel the breeze. She didn’t look at him. “I miss you, Zac. I miss us.”
“Because I was about to die?” he told her. “You could have watched the news to gloat, you know.”
“I don’t want to gloat,” she said, “in fact, what I’m here for is to ask for your forgiveness.”
“There’s something more to this,” Zac insisted. “You didn’t want to see me until you saw me on the news.”
“Well…” her voice trailed off. “I miss your company. I miss waking up beside you. I miss all the fun things we used to do.”
“I had to force you to do fun things with me,” Zac said. “You hated the wild. Hell, I’m sure you even hated the zoo.”
“You’ve changed so much since I last saw you—”
“Oh,” Zac’s eyes narrowed. “Is that why you’re here? 'Cause you saw me change on TV? I don’t even know you anymore, and you don’t know me.”
“I haven’t dated anyone steadily since we broke up.”
“Congratulations,” he said, sarcastically. “So, am I only hearing this stupid reason or is there something else?”
“It’s not stupid to say how you’ve matured, how you’ve changed since the last time we saw each other. You grew up, Zac, and I’ve never felt prouder, or happier. You’re someone that makes me proud of—”
“This is something you wouldn’t have said years ago.”
“I waited for you to become mature.”
“A croc nearly took my leg, and now you think that’s mature?”
“That Sara Wright wouldn’t have survived there alone, if it weren’t for you.”
“You harassed Sara, didn’t you?” he asked her, pretending not to remember what Sara had said.
She looked taken aback. “I helped her get away from that reporter. Now that was someone who harassed her.”
“So let me guess, you introduced yourself? Offered her a ride back home?”
Miranda smiled. “You know me well. As a matter of fact, I did. She denied me that of course.”
“Why wouldn’t she? She barely knows who you are.”
“I just happened to be the ex-girlfriend of Zachary Turner. I’m sure she’s heard about me,” Miranda said calmly. “Relax, Zac, I’d never threaten her. I only threaten competition.”
Zac’s ear burned. He was livid. “Excuse me? Competition?”
Miranda shrugged. “She reeks of zoo and reeks of middle-class. She’s too American. I didn’t even know you liked your women with that kind of hair,” she laughed a little. “You’ve always dated women with my hair color.”
“Don’t put yourself on a pedestal. You don’t even know Sara.”
“Sara, Sahara. Am I supposed to applaud her for having such a unique name? Look, Zac, I won’t add to the drama, so I’ll keep it simple.”
“I don’t know what kind of drama you’re talking about.”
“It’s obvious you and this Sara aren’t even together, Zac. It’s obvious she barely means anything to you.”
“Please, just get out—”
“But I mean something to you,” Miranda interrupted him. “I know I still mean something to you, even if you push me away. You’re only doing it because you think it might not work out again.”
“I remember you were the one who broke up with me the last time. Now, you want to get back with me? Two years, Miranda. We’ve been separated for more than two years already.”
“You can’t tell me you’re in love with an intern, and she’s someone you just met, I’m sure of it.”
“So what if I am?”
“You think she feels the same way about you?”
“I don’t care if she does or if she doesn’t. And I thought you came here to ask for forgiveness. This doesn’t sound like you’re asking for it.”
“I had a feeling you wouldn’t forgive me, but still I tried.”
“Of course I forgive you. That was over two years ago. I’ve moved on, I’m sure you have, too.”
Miranda took a deep breath. “Zac, there isn’t a day where I wish it didn’t end that way. We could have been married right now.”
“Or we could have still broken up in the long run,” Zac told her. “We’re not good for each other, Miranda. If you didn’t break up with me, I would have still realized it eventually.”
“How can you say that?”
He shrugged. “I grew up.”
Miranda closed her eyes, and then she held his hand. He didn’t take it away. He stared at it for a while. “Tell me you don’t feel anything for me. Anything at all.”
He shook his head. “Should I be sorry?”
“No,” she replied quietly. “You shouldn’t be. I tried, Zac, I really did. And seeing you on the news, you looked like you were about to die. I was afraid. I was afraid I wouldn’t get another chance with you. To show you how much you mean to me. I’ve always loved you.”
“Miranda, this is how things are supposed to be now. I appreciate the gesture. I’m sure it must’ve taken a lot from you to come here and tell me this.”
“It has,” she admitted. “This is me at my lowest, emotionally, at least. Do you really want her in your life?”
He nodded once. “Yes, I want her in my life.”
“I guess I—”
“Miranda, is that you?” a deep voice interrupted them.
Miranda looked up and smiled broadly. “Clark! Hi, how are you?”
She stood up from her seat and gave Zac’s father a hug. “I haven’t seen you in a while.”
“I’ve seen you on billboards, though,” Clark Turner said with a smile. “How would you like to join us for dinner?”
*
“You’re coming back?” her mother gasped. “Really? When?”
Sara bit her lower lip as she fiddled with a pen. “In a month.”
“Why? Something happened. Well, that crocodile thing happened. But did something else happen, too?”
“Just that. I figured I needed rest.”
“Is she actually giving up on something?” Tamara joked with a laugh.
“She was attacked by a croc weeks ago, Tam,” her mother said in a derisive voice.
“You know I was just kidding,” Tamara said, defensively.
“Can you put on the video? I wanna see you. I feel like I haven’t seen you in a long time,” Letitia told her eldest child.
“Now’s not a good time. I look like crap,” Sara said earnestly.
“Have you been eating alright? I told you I should’ve just gone there—”
“Yeah, yeah. People from the foundation are taking care of me. I’m eating fine. I can cook eggs better now.”
“Did she just make a joke?” Tamara said in the background.
>
“You don’t have to put me on speaker phone, ma.”
“So everyone can hear how you’re doing,” Letitia said.
“It’s just you and Tammy at home,” Sara sighed. “But yeah, I’ll fix a ticket soon.”
“Are you going to lose the scholarship?” her mother sounded worried.
“No, of course not,” Sara assured her. “Some perks will be canceled, though. It’s just a matter of finishing whatever I’d started here. I’ll need to finish a few more courses to make up for losing the next four months here.”
“That means you won’t graduate on time…” her mother’s voice faltered.
“I’ll make it,” she assured her mother.
They spoke for a few more minutes, and she ended the call, citing the fact that she needed to sleep. She hadn’t slept well since the attack. Sleep had been elusive. It didn’t help that she was angry at Zac.
She was blaming him for what was happening. She didn’t want her privacy invaded, and she didn’t want competition. Miranda made it clear that Zac was hers. Who was she to fight against that? Miranda was correct about one thing—she and Zac were nothing. They had no good past together; they didn’t date for too long. In fact, they had just had their first date.
Is this what I get for sleeping with someone without getting to know them better, first? She had wanted to know about him, but he denied her of that, just so her perception of him wouldn’t change. Did it make any difference now that she knew he was a Turner?
It did, in a way. She knew it would never be easy dating a billionaire. It might have come easy for others, but it wasn’t her cup of tea, at all.
Sara hadn’t told Danny her plan, nor had she submitted a formal letter to the foundation regarding her sudden exit next month. She had given it a month, as it was just enough time to wrap everything up.
Sara looked at the stacks of printed articles, her research and opinions combined. She had done well in her two months here; she had been prolific… not just with writing, but with her sex and romantic life, too, even though the latter failed earlier.
Did she have a sign that said “tainted woman” on her? Miranda certainly made it look like that, didn’t she? Sara willed for her phone to ring. Reconciliation would be good just about now, just so she’d stop feeling miserable. The way she spoke earlier, she could see that it hurt him. Maybe her words hurt just a little, but she still saw it in his eyes. I got to him, she had thought with pleasure, but only initially. Now she felt guilt. She’d always kept to her own; she’d always suppressed irritation and anger, but in front of Zac, she couldn’t. Vitriol had come out.