by Amy Clapp
"I bet you're hungry, aren't you?"
My stomach growled in response. I placed my hands on my stomach in a futile attempt to silence the rumblings.
Varick laughed softly. "Thought so."
Varick filled a pot with water and placed it back on the stove, first lighting the propane burner with another match. I stood in the little entry just inside the door, staring at Varick, too nervous to move.
Varick turned to look at me. "Go ahead and have a look around. It's alright." He was still grinning. Varick turned back to the counter and to the vegetables he was chopping.
I glanced around the room again. It was a single room, kitchen, dining area, and living room all together. From the entry where I stood, the large stone fireplace was on the right wall, the chairs on the left of it and the couch to the right. Both were angled towards the fireplace. Directly to my left was a wooden table with two stools pushed underneath it. And just past the table was the kitchen and Varick. Cupboards lined the walls and there was a window directly in the middle of the wall with the porcelain sink below it. I noticed that the kitchen had a stove, but no refrigerator and no microwave. Curious? Directly in front of me on the opposite side of the room was a closed wooden door. Next to it was a deep red curtain, blocking off a small portion of the living room.
I stared at the door and the curtain wondering what was on the other side. I glanced at Varick in the kitchen. He had stopped chopping vegetables and stood staring back at me, his blue eyes glittering in the soft candlelight. Placing his hands on his hips, he said, "Go ahead. Have a peek." He smiled again and nodded toward the door and curtain.
Taking a deep breath, I stepped tentatively across the room as if I was testing the durability of the wood floor. Varick chuckled again.
I reached the door and opened it slowly. The candlelight from the bigger room poured in allowing me to identify a large claw footed tub, small pedestal sink and toilet. I closed the door. "Bathroom."
Varick watched me with amused eyes. "Yes."
I opened the thick curtain with more energy, no longer nervous about what I would find. On the other side was a full size bed, a multi-colored quilt neatly covering it. A small four drawer wooden dresser sat up against the curtain at the far end of the small space. Books, large and small, hard covered and soft, were scattered on the bed, on top of the dresser and all over the floor. There was another lantern on a wooden nightstand next to the bed. I walked closer to the nightstand, careful not to step on the books on the floor and reached for the matches to light the lantern. A warm flame sparked. Very carefully, I lifted the glass hurricane with one hand and lit the kerosene soaked wick with the other. Candlelight filled the tiny space.
This was Varick's bedroom, or what passed for a bedroom. The thick curtain that had been suspended from the low ceiling separated his sleeping area from the otherwise open room. On the nightstand and surrounding the lantern were small pictures enclosed in a variety of metal frames. The frames were nestled amongst the many books on the nightstand. I picked up one of the books. It was a hard-cover, navy blue and worn as if it had been read many times. Silver words shone on the cover. I tilted it so the light from the lantern illuminated the title. Catcher in the Rye. I glanced back at Varick. His back was facing me. He was placing vegetables into the pot to boil, stirring with his left hand.
I looked back at the nightstand, gently placing the book on top of another one. I bent down to peer closer at the small frames, curious to see the pictures that would grace Varick's bedroom. A smile spread across my lips when I saw pictures of a small child, chubby cheeks flushed with excitement, brown hair pulled back into pigtails. I peered at another to see a baby, obviously celebrating a first birthday, her face covered with chocolate cake and white frosting. I glanced at the rest of the pictures, all of varying ages of a brown-haired girl. The same-brown haired girl. I gasped and covered my mouth, startled to recognize the girl in the pictures.
"Yes. They are you. All of them. You." Varick's voice was low and soft, whispering in my ear.
I turned to face him, my hand still covering my mouth, my eyes wide with shock.
Varick stood close to me now, where he could have touched me if he wanted. But he didn't. He just stared at me, his eyes searching my own. "I already told you, Jacey. I've been watching you, protecting you, since your birth."
Slowly, I dropped my hand from my mouth. Swallowing hard, I managed to find my voice. "But, how?" My hand weakly waved towards the pictures on the nightstand.
Varick crossed his arms in front of him, giving me lop-sided grin again. His eyes glowed with amusement.
Shaking my head, I closed my eyes and turned back toward the nightstand and the pictures of me. "Never mind," I weakly stated, my voice trailing at the end.
"Are you alright?" Varick asked quietly.
I bit my lip, trying hard to control the emotions washing over me. I knew I should have felt scared, threatened by all the pictures, by the fact that he had been watching me all this time without my knowledge or consent. I knew some would call him obsessive and label his behavior stalking. But I didn't feel any of that. The only thing I felt was sadness, overwhelming sadness. I realized the books were just his way of passing time. If he wasn't watching over me, he spent the time reading. I clutched my hands together, bringing them protectively to my heart.
"Varick, I'm overwhelmed...all of this." My voice quivered with the heavy emotion that filled my heart. I turned, facing him, my vision blurring with fresh tears.
"Jacey, please don't cry," Varick's eyes became soft, pleading. His face lost the amusement, his smile disappeared. He moved his hands toward me as if to touch me, to console me, but he stopped, instead shoving his hands in his pockets. "Please don't do this to yourself. There's no need to feel sad or guilty."
Wiping the tears away, I choked out a tortured laugh. "How do you do that, know exactly how I'm feeling?"
Varick tilted his head to the side. "Because I feel what you feel. I feel your guilt, your sadness. I feel it right now."
I blinked again, astonished by his admission and the powerful connection between us.
"Please don't feel guilty. I know my life seems....pathetic." Varick's face broke out into a smile at the last word. "But really I'm alright with it. In fact, I wouldn't have it any other way. This is my life. This is why I exist, remember?"
I nodded, unable to answer him. I couldn't even think- this was all just too much.
"Do you want to know why I have all those pictures of you?"
I nodded again.
"Because when I look at them, they make me happy. I remember the joy and happiness that you felt when each of those pictures was taken. I remember. And it makes me...happy. They give my life purpose. You give my life purpose."
Those blue eyes again stared deeply into my own. I could feel myself becoming lost in them, mesmerized by their intensity.
"Do you understand?"
"Yes." My voice squeaked in response.
"Good."
"Varick? Just one more thing?"
Varick laughed, a gentle amusing laugh. "Of course. Anything."
"Could you do your little calming thing on me right now? I think I could use it."
Varick laughed again. "Of course. I feel the anxiety threatening to overtake you."
Varick took his hands out of his pockets and closed his eyes. His hands began to shake slightly, the movement travelling up his arms, making his whole torso shake. I watched in awe as Varick performed his gift. The warm blanket of calm and peace washed over me, quenching the fire of anxiety burning in my chest. I closed my eyes, sighed, and enjoyed the warmth.
When the warmth dissipated, I opened my eyes to find Varick looking at me, grinning.
"Feel better? I know I do."
I did feel better, less anxious, less afraid. I still felt guilty from the forced responsibility of being Varick's sole purpose for life. But Varick's grin of satisfaction made me smile in return.
Our moment of silenc
e was interrupted by my stomach protesting my lack of food. My cheeks blushed pink. "Sorry," I said sheepishly. "I guess I'm a little hungry."
Varick's grin widened. "Well, good. Our stew is almost ready." Varick turned and walked back to tend to the soup simmering on the stove.
I noticed the rich, hearty aroma of tomatoes, carrots, onions, and beans stewing. I took in a deep breath, allowing the thick smells to fill my nose and lungs. My stomach growled again. I moved toward Varick. "That smells wonderful. What is it?"
Stirring the stew with a wooden spoon, Varick answered, "It's my own creation. Beans and vegetables in a tomato broth." Varick reached into the cupboard above him and grabbed the salt and pepper. He added a few dashes of each to the stew, stirring again after each addition. "You do like beans, right?" He glanced at me, winking.
"Beans are fine," I responded. "Don't you have a refrigerator?" I asked, already knowing the answer.
"Nope. No electricity here. Just water and propane. I live pretty simply I guess you'd say." Varick reached into a cupboard for two bowls and placed them on the counter. He reached into the drawer at his side retrieving two large spoons and a ladle.
"Have a seat." Varick nodded towards the stools pushed under the wooden table next to the door. I pulled out both stools, sitting on the one closest to the door. Varick brought over the two bowls of steaming stew and placed them on the table. Then he brought half a loaf of crusty French bread. Breaking off a large hunk, he gave it to me and sat on the stool. "Here, this is pretty good to dip in the soup."
"Thanks," I said, taking the bread from him. I bent my head, close to the soup. Steam rose from the hot liquid and tickled my nose. "Varick, this smells amazing."
"You sound surprised," Varick responded, lifting his spoon to his mouth.
"Well, I guess, I am....a little."
Varick swallowed then laughed. "You're going to discover I have more talents, than protecting you or making you feel calm."
I brought a spoonful of the tomato stew up to my mouth, blowing on the hot liquid to cool it before slurping it into my mouth. It warmed my mouth and belly as I swallowed.
"This is very tasty," I said, nodding my head approvingly. I dipped the bread in the soup, soaking up some of the tomato broth before placing it in my mouth.
Varick grinned smugly as he ate his soup.
I pushed my bowl away when I was done. "That was good. Thank you, Varick."
The dishes clattered together as he set the dirty bowls and spoons in the sink. I glanced out the window in front of me. The night was dark, with no moon to illuminate the forest. The lanterns outside still glowed, throwing a small ring of orange light on the ground around it. It was probably fairly late.
"Oh, no." I reached into my purse to retrieve my phone. Flipping it open, I glanced at the time. 9:30 p.m. "I've got to get home. I have school tomorrow."
Varick turned to look at me. I didn't miss the concern covering his face. "Uh...I don't think that's a good idea. At least not tonight."
"Why not?" I hadn't forgotten about the Fury. I just thought the danger had passed enough so I could go home.
"I just think you should stay tonight. Here. With me. Just tonight." Varick's face was serious, his jaw flexing.
"Stay here? Tonight? With you?" My voice was quiet as I repeated the words. I could feel my heart begin to beat faster. Varick wanted me to stay at his place all night. I could feel my cheeks flush.
"Yes, it will be safer. The Fury can't find you here."
"Uh, okay." My stomach fluttered uncontrollably. I swallowed hard, forcing myself to calm my stomach and the excitement building within me.
"But I have to call Oma and tell her. I don't want her to worry." I thought about the frantic messages I had left Jamie on his voicemail and Emma's concerned voice when I spoke to her earlier in the evening. I owed them both a call too.
"Sure. I'll step outside to give you some privacy." Varick opened the door leading outside and stepped onto the little porch. Before closing the door behind him, he gave me a grin, his eyes bright blue in the candlelight. My breath caught in my throat and I didn't breathe again until he shut the door.
This was going to be a long night.
I stood up, pushing my stool back under the wooden table. I flipped open my phone again. I had little reception out here in the middle of the forest, but I had to try anyway.
I dialed Oma's cell first. I wasn't surprised when it went directly to voicemail. "Oma, it's me. I want you to know I'm okay and I'm with Varick. Everything's fine. Love you." I hoped she'd be able to retrieve the message. I dialed Emma's number next. She picked up on the first ring, chastising me for not calling sooner and making her worry about me. Her tone changed when she heard I was with Varick and that I would be staying with him tonight. Her squeals of delight were so loud I had to pull the phone away from my ear.
"You must tell me everything, Jacey, everything," she breathed excitedly into the phone.
"Em, it's nothing like that. It's just for my protection is all." My face flushed with embarrassment at her innuendo.
"Sure, Jacey. Whatever you say." Emma's voice bubbled with excitement. I started protesting again, but realized it was falling on deaf ears.
"I'll talk to you later," I ended, exasperation lining my voice.
"Bye, Jacey," Emma said and I hung up, the sound of her giggling filling my ears.
Next I found Jamie's number. Pacing back and forth in the little home, I stared at the number, trying to work up the courage to call.
Stop being so silly, Jacey. He is your friend. Just call him. You owe him that.
I stopped pacing, and plopped down in Varick's overstuffed chair. I pushed send on my phone, and Jamie's number flashed across the screen. Nervously, I bit at my fingernail. Jamie picked up on the first ring.
"Jacey. Are you alright? Where are you? What do you need? I've been trying to call you all night," Jamie spoke quickly. I winced listening to him. I had sounded pretty desperate in the messages I left him. I knew I had worried him.
"I'm sorry for worrying you. I'm fine." I interrupted his rant.
"But where are you? Do you need me to come get you? You don't sound like you're at home." The reception was bad making the connection crackle and pop.
"Jamie, I'm perfectly fine. My car died at school and I thought I was stuck there. I'm sorry if I worried you." I tried to make my voice strong but it cracked with my nervousness. I hoped Jamie wouldn't notice.
"Do you need me to come get you....from wherever you are?" Jamie's voice hesitated.
"No. I'm fine. Really. I just wanted to call to tell you that." The crackling of the phone was getting worse, making it difficult to hear him. I glanced at Varick's front door. I knew Varick was waiting just outside and I was anxious to see him again.
Jamie was silent for a minute. I was afraid of what his next question would be. I had good reason to be afraid.
"Jacey...where are you?" Jamie finally asked.
Taking a deep breath, I answered as vaguely as I could. "With a friend." For some reason I thought Jamie would be hurt if I told him the truth.
Again, Jamie was silent. I wondered if the connection had gotten so bad that I had lost the call. I hoped I had.
But I didn't.
I heard a loud groan through the receiver. "You're with him, aren't you?" Jamie's voice was cold, void of emotion.
"Jamie..." my voice trailed off. I didn't answer. I didn't need to.
"Jacey, just promise me you'll be careful. And you will call me if you need me." Maybe it was just the bad reception, but I thought Jamie's voice sounded huskier then normal, sad.
"Yes, Jamie. I promise." There was nothing more to say.
He sighed again. "Okay, Jace. Thanks for the call. I'll talk to you later." He hung up before I could respond.
My chest suddenly felt very heavy, my throat tightening. I had hurt Jamie again. Why was I always doing that to him? I didn't deserve his friendship, his caring. I felt awful for hurting him
. I felt a sudden, intense urge to call him back, to ask him to come get me. I wanted to be with him, to feel his arms around me. The intensity of my need was overwhelming. It confused me. But I felt it to my core.
A tentative knock on the door interrupted my thoughts. Clicking my phone shut, I stood up and called out, "Come in."
Varick's head peeked through the door. "All set?"
"Yep."
Varick opened the door more fully and stepped inside. Closing the door behind him, he grinned broadly at me.
My heart skipped a beat at the sight of Varick's smile. I shivered involuntarily.
Concern replaced the smile on Varick's face. "Are you cold again?"
Wrapping my arms around myself, I nodded. I didn't know if the shivering was because I really was cold or because of Varick's smile.
"Sit down and wrap up in the blanket. I'll make a fire to warm you up." Varick went back outside to get some wood for the fire, closing the door behind him once more.
With my arms wrapped around myself, I shivered again. I stared at the closed door where Varick had been. I glanced around at my surroundings. Varick's place. His home. I was really here. I wanted to be here, to be with him. My heart fluttered with excitement and my stomach followed suit. But there was another nagging feeling threatening to overtake the excitement that Varick caused within me. In the back of my heart burned a feeling of loyalty, compassion, and regret.
Falling back into the overstuffed chair, I dragged the brown afghan over me. I ripped my purse off my shoulder and dropped it on the floor at my feet. Then I slipped off my flip flops and tucked my feet underneath me. I breathed deeply and wrapped the afghan around me. Loyalty. Compassion. Regret. Jamie.
-Fifteen-
I sat in Varick's chair, my legs tucked up underneath me. I watched the flames of the fire lick the sides of the stone fireplace. The dry wood popped and crackled. Varick stood next to the fireplace, admiring his handiwork. The fire made the little room even cozier as it warmed, throwing shadows across the room. I let the afghan slip off my shoulders and pool around my waist, feeling the warmth of the fire through my light sweater.