by Amy Clapp
Jamie and Emma stayed with me as Oma's casket was carried out, as I stood in line receiving the condolences of friends and neighbors, and even as we finished the luncheon provided by the church's women's guild. I stayed numb. Not feeling anything. Protecting myself from the grief that tortured me.
It was still raining when we left the church. Jamie ran to his Jeep while I waited in the church's foyer. I held Jamie's sport coat close to my chest as I waited for him. Pastor Garroth came up to me as I waited and patted me lightly on the shoulder.
"I will be praying for you, Jacey, for peace, acceptance, and hope. If you need to talk, please call me."
"Thank you, Pastor," I answered, barely glancing at him. "I will." I swallowed hard, desperately trying to hold onto the numbness dulling my feelings. The pastor patted me on the shoulder again and gave me a sad smile.
I closed my eyes and turned back to the entrance doors just as Jamie pulled up. He jumped out of the Jeep and ran over to the passenger side to open the door for me. "Thanks," I mumbled as he shut the door after me.
Only the sound of the rain hitting the car was heard as we drove. Neither of us could talk. Normally, any silence between us was comfortable. But not this time. This time it just allowed us to replay the events of a few days ago, to relive Oma's death.
As Jamie drove, I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. He was so serious, his hands firmly on the steering wheel, his eyes on the road. I felt my heart soften a bit as I tried to stare at him without catching his attention. He had been so good to me since Oma's death. He had stayed with me and helped with the funeral arrangements, comforting me with his presence. He even let me cry on his shoulder for hours. I knew that when Jamie had told me he loved me, he really meant it. The last few days, he had shown me.
I turned and stared out the passenger window at the rain continuing to fall. Jamie loved me. I cared about him deeply and I knew I had feelings for him. But I didn't love him like he wanted me to. I knew I should. Any normal woman in my position would.
But I'm not normal.
My head began to throb. I closed my eyes, rubbing my forehead with my hand.
"Head hurt?"
"Yes. I'm going to need some Tylenol or something."
"I'll get you some when we get home."
Jamie pulled into the driveway next to the Taurus that had been fixed and delivered to the house by Emma's brother earlier in the week. We ran the front porch.
Jamie reached into his shirt pocket, bringing out his glasses. He checked them for any water droplets before he placed him over his eyes. "Shall we?" he asked, as he motioned toward the door.
"Jamie..."
"What?"
I looked at his smooth forehead, to the spot where he should have had a scar from the injury he had received about a month ago. Had it really only been a month since all this began? It felt like an eternity.
"Jamie...I don't know how to tell you this..." I tried again. I bit my lip nervously.
"Tell me what? You can tell me anything, Jace. I love you." Jamie grabbed my hands, holding them tightly in his own.
"I know...but..."
"But what?"
"But...I don't love you the same way you love me."
I watched Jamie's face cloud over.
"What do you mean you don't love me the same way?"
"I love you, Jamie, I do. But not the way you want me to love you, a romantic way. I love you as one of my very best friends."
Jamie's face fell, his eyes darkening as he processed my statement.
"I'm sorry Jamie. I am. You've taken such good care of me throughout all of this, and I am so grateful for that. But I needed to tell you the truth."
"But, the other day...at the warehouse..." Jamie's eyes desperately searched mine.
"I told you that because I was planning on the Fury killing me. I thought I was exchanging my life for all of yours."
Jamie just stared at me.
"I just thought...if you thought I loved you..."
"That it would make your loss easier for me?" Jamie finished my thought. I nodded.
"So, what you're telling me is you lied to me and that you have been lying to me for about a week now?" Jamie's voice was heavy with accusation and hurt. He dropped his hands from mine, shoving them in his pockets.
"Well, I guess...." I felt terrible. I could feel the numbness being chipped away. I reached out to touch his arm. "Jamie, I'm sorry. You deserved the truth."
Jamie yanked his arm away so I couldn't touch him. "You're right, Jacey. I do deserve the truth. I deserved the truth in the first place. But instead, you told me what I wanted to hear. You lied to me. You can be so cruel sometimes, ya know," Jamie scoffed as he turned away to leave.
"Please, Jamie, don't leave mad. I do care about you, but..."
"Yeah, I know. You don't love me, at least in that way." Jamie stopped just before walking out into the rain. He didn't turn around to look at me, instead staring out to the road in front of him. "I know you're hurting because of Oma. But, I don't know why you're choosing to tell me this right now. I don't know, but I'm leaving. I need to...just go. I'm sorry."
"Okay," I said weakly. I felt raw. I was losing him too.
"Jamie...I..."
"Don't. Not now. Please," he said over his shoulder. He took a heavy breath. "Just call me if you need me. You know I'll be here for you." Jamie didn't wait for any more words. He ran to his Jeep and left quickly, his tires squealing on the wet pavement.
I trudged into the empty house. Although it was afternoon, the dreary sky made the house dark. But, the dark suited me right now. It matched my mood. Why do I keep hurting Jamie? I shook my head in despair. I felt so alone.
The pain was unbearable without the numbness to dull it. It ripped through my heart. The house seemed to be closing in around me. Everywhere I looked I saw Oma. The coffeepot on the kitchen counter, the handmade afghan covering the couch, the shelf of thimbles she collected. Oma was everywhere, except right in front of me. My sorrow was too much and being in the house was too painful. I ran out the back slider and onto the deck. But I didn't stop there. I ran out into the yard, stopping just before the big tree in the back corner.
Wrapping my arms around myself, I doubled over in pain as the grief caused stomach spasms. I let the tears fall until my body shook. "Oma," I groaned as another spasm of pain ripped through me. "I'm alone. All alone."
I stood up and raised my face heavenward. I closed my eyes and let the cool rain hit my face, mixing with my hot tears. The rain soaked my hair and my dress as I stood motionless. In frustration, I ripped out the bobby pins holding my bun in place and let my hair fall limply around me. The rain dripped from my hair and my nose and soaked my entire body. But I didn't care. My grief was the only thing that mattered. And I was embracing it fully, crying freely as I stood in the rain.
Suddenly I didn't feel alone. I turned back at the house. Varick was there, standing on the deck. He walked toward me, his t-shirt soaked by the rain and clinging to his body.
He stood in front of me and stared into my eyes. His eyes were bright, the blue almost neon with the pain I knew he was also feeling. I was still breathing fast. We stood there, staring at each other as the rain pelted us both.
"Help me. Please Varick, help me."
Varick's face fell. "I can't," he said softly.
"Please," I begged, raising my hand to clutch at my heart. "Please take my grief away. Cover me with your calmness so I can't feel the pain."
"It doesn't work on grief. I can't take it away or cover it."
"Varick," I moaned as another wave of sorrow and pain crashed over me. "Please, help me. I can't do this alone." I covered my face with my hands, sobbing uncontrollably into them.
"Jacey," Varick said softly.
I dropped my hands from my face. I clutched at my heart again. "The pain hurts too much." I was breathing fast again, my breath coming in quick pants between my words. "I can't....I can't...." My sorrow was too painful to say
anymore.
"I know, Jacey," Varick answered, a grimace on his face. "I feel it too."
"You are not alone. I am here. I will never leave you." He reached around my waist and pulled me up against his body. He kept that arm wrapped around my waist, his hand pressing firmly on the small of my back. He slid his other hand along my face, cradling it in his hand. He looked into my eyes, into my very soul. Electric tingles sparked along my face and through the thin, wet material of my dress as he touched me.
"I will never leave you. Ever." Varick lowered his face to mine. I gasped from the intense shock that traveled from my lips down to my toes. Varick held me tightly as his lips brushed against mine. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. My arms hung loosely at my sides.
Varick held me even tighter, my body molding against his. Varick's lips moved against mine, soft and soothing as if he were trying to take my pain away with his kiss. But the tingling spread, warming my chest and spreading all the way out to my fingertips. I began to kiss Varick back. My arms moved, my hands traveling along Varick's hard arms, slicked wet by the falling rain. They continued up over his shoulders until they settled around his neck. There was nothing else. No rain, no sorrow, no grief. There was no Oma, no Jamie, no Healer, no Protector. In that moment, there was just us.
Varick's kiss intensified, becoming harder, more needy. I responded the same, moving my lips harder against his. Varick consumed my senses. I tasted him on my lips. I smelled his scent. I felt the warmth of his touch along my entire body. The grief and sorrow was gone. Only Varick remained.
Varick lifted his lips from mine, opening his eyes as he did. I met the intensity of his stare. He moved both of his hands to my upper arms and rubbed them slowly with his hands. He gave me his little half smile and my heart skipped a beat.
"I've waited a long time to do that."
A shy smile spread across my face as my cheeks darkened from the intimacy of our kiss and the closeness of our bodies. But I still kept my arms securely around Varick's neck. This time it was my turn, and I lifted my chin to place my lips against his. As the electric sparks coursed through my body, I was vaguely aware of Varick's arms wrapping around me, his hands firmly on my back, pressing me into him. I felt every hard line, every flexed muscle through our soaked clothing. I gasped softly as Varick's tongue lightly touched mine. I was grateful for Varick's arms around me as I suddenly felt my knees buckle underneath me.
Varick's grip tightened as my knees gave out. I grabbed onto his shoulders for support. "I'm sorry," I mumbled, my lips now against Varick's cheek. "I'm a little dizzy, I guess." A violent shiver ran down my body.
"And cold, no doubt," Varick said, placing a gentle kiss on my forehead. "We need to get you inside and out of these wet clothes."
My cheeks blushed hotly at Varick's statement.
"Uh, that's not what I mean. I meant just get you warm and dry...and...dry and warm," Varick's words were hurried with his embarrassment.
I giggled. "I know what you meant." Varick took my hands from around his neck and intertwined his fingers with mine. He turned serious, his blue eyes bright and strong.
"Setackoo, bitaloo, kapetic miyaloo, suwaee mikal, mia Helsoka."
I dropped my eyes from his. The grief of Oma was still in my heart, but it had been dulled by the intensity of Varick's kiss and touch.
"You are my soul. You are my breath. It is for you that I live, I exist. My Healer."
My eyes traveled back up to his and I was captured by their intensity again. Varick brought my hand up to his heart.
"Do you feel that? Do you feel my heart beating?" Varick's voice was soft. I nodded my head, droplets of rain falling around me.
"It beats for you. Each thud of my heart calls your name. Only you."
I bit my lip. My hand began to warm with the heat of Varick's heart. The heat traveled up my arm as it had before, finally settling around my heart. My breath slowed as my own heartbeats slowed to match Varick's.
We stood there with the cold rain beating down on us, but we didn't feel it. All we felt was the connection between us, the beating of our two hearts as one.
-Twenty-Nine-
I stepped from the hot shower and grabbed for a towel. I wrapped one around me tightly before grabbing another one for my hair. I wrapped the towel around my head and turned to the mirror. It had fogged up from the humidity. I rubbed my hand across the mirror and stared at the reflection. Is this the same girl who stared back at me a month ago? It didn't feel like it. That girl had changed so much in a month's time. She wasn't ordinary and normal at all. She was special, housing a powerful gift in her hands. In fact, so special that she had a Protector assigned to her since birth.
The girl in the mirror suddenly turned very sad. She had loved and lost. She had faced a demon courageously, only to have failed. She had lost the most important person in her life, only to gain another. Yes, the girl in the reflection had changed greatly in just over a month.
I turned away from the mirror and entered my bedroom. I pulled on jeans and a short sleeved shirt and grabbed my shoes from my closet floor. I brushed my hair, pulling at the snarls roughly before piling it up loosely on top of my head. I shoved more bobby pins in my hair, as I walked down the stairs to where Varick was waiting. He smiled when he saw me.
"All warmed up now?" he asked as he stood.
"Yes, thanks for waiting for me," I smiled shyly in return. The house was no longer dark and the rain had stopped. Pale sunlight peeked through gray clouds and illuminated the living room. "But your clothes are still wet. You must be freezing."
Varick ran his fingers through his damp hair. He laughed lightly. "Only a little. I'm not cold at all." Varick walked over to me and ran his hand down my cheek. "Not cold at all." He smiled rakishly.
My stomach fluttered with excitement.
"Are you hungry?" Varick asked suddenly, dropping his hand from face. "We could go..." Varick stopped, tilting his head as if he was listening for something.
"What is it? What's wrong?"
Varick raised his hand to silence me and listened intently.
"Varick?" I whispered, touching his arm lightly.
"I need to get you out of here. Now!" Varick's words were firm and urgent. His face was instantly serious.
"Why? What's going on?" Dread filled my gut. I already knew the answer.
"The Fury. It is here. I can hear it circling the house. We have to go now!" Varick grabbed onto my wrist, pulling me to the door.
"Wait!" I yelled, trying to pull my wrist from Varick's tight grip. "We can't go out there. We need to just stay inside."
Varick whirled to face me. "I can't keep you safe here, Jacey. I need to take you back to my place. And we need to leave now."
Varick's words made me uneasy and afraid. "Okay," I murmured. I allowed him to pull me outside to his motorcycle parked in the driveway. At first, Varick glanced around us searching for the Fury. As we neared the machine, I felt a cold wind blow past us, then circle us. I shivered as the frigid air blew by me. I saw nothing but the pale sun that had warmed up the day from the rain.
"Hurry, Jacey," Varick urged as he grabbed the helmets off the motorcycle and shoved one at me.
"What was that?"
"The Fury. We need to leave now. It's coming back around."
"But I don't see anything," I protested. "How can it be?"
Varick swung his leg over the motorcycle and started it. He reached out his hand and pulled me onto the back of the bike. I felt another wave of cold air brush by and I had to grab Varick's waist to keep from falling off.
With one hand, Varick grabbed my hands that were around my waist; with the other, he pressed the accelerator, urging the motorcycle forward. As we surged forward, I heard a howl accompany another blast of air.
"Varick!" I screamed as I felt my body being lifted off the motorcycle. I tightened my hold around Varick's waist. Varick clamped down tightly on my thigh. I winced as his hold tightened, keeping me fast to the bike.
<
br /> We dipped and turned, swaying back and forth as Varick maneuvered the motorcycle around slower vehicles. Once we left town, Varick accelerated, and the cycle surged forward again with the increase in power. I held on tightly, my arms wrapped around Varick's waist and my body lowered over his back. Varick kept his body low to the cycle but didn't take his hand off my thigh.
"It's following us," Varick said in my ear. "I don't know if we can outrun it."
We were screaming down the road. I knew I should have been afraid of falling but I wasn't. I was more afraid of the Fury.
Varick turned sharply to the right, onto a tree lined track. The back tire skipped recklessly out to the side with the sudden change of direction. I bit my lip, refusing to cry out as I almost fell off the back of the cycle. Varick held onto my thigh tighter. I knew I would have a large bruise there when this was over.
The track was covered with trees and the leaves created a natural canopy over the unused roadway. Under different circumstances, the sight would have been beautiful. But with the Fury following us, the covered roadway reminded me more of a tomb.
Suddenly, we turned sharply to the left, Varick jumping the motorcycle over a fallen log onto another track even less traveled than the one we had been on. And then Varick's log home appeared on our left. We were behind the little home, having taken the back way through the woods. Varick stopped abruptly and yanked me off the side of the bike as he also got off.
"Come on. Inside. Hurry. It's right behind us."
We ran to the wooden door. Varick stopped just long enough to kick open the wooden door, splintering the door jam in the process. He dragged me inside, shutting the broken door as best as he could.
Varick let me go and pushed me toward his bed. I stumbled and fell back onto it. He turned back to the front door and listened.
I ripped off my helmet and threw it down next to the bed. My eyes were wild with fear, my heart racing erratically in my chest.
"Varick, what do we do? What do we do?" I whispered.
Varick held up his left hand to silence me. I raised my feet up on the bed and hugged them to my chest. I was terrified waiting for Varick to speak.