by M. Malone
Finally. A little peace.
I go back upstairs, careful to be quiet as I pass Gabe’s door. At this point he should be sleeping so even though I feel like I should check on him, I don’t. Sasha’s taking care of him so I’m not needed there. That gives me a little pang behind the heart.
I really like her but it’s strange to think of someone else being closer to my brother than I am. It leaves me with a sense of being out of place somehow. When Gabe bought this house, he convinced me that it was ridiculous to buy my own place right away. Why not wait until I found something I actually wanted and just stay with him until then?
It made sense at the time but I think it’s time to revisit the buying my own place situation. Sasha hasn't been in my brother's life for long but I already know where things are heading. When a man looks at a woman like she's more vital than the air he breathes, only an idiot wouldn't lock it down with a ring. She’ll be my sister before the end of the year, I’m willing to bet. My brother is many things but never an idiot. His recent behavior not withstanding.
I don’t want to cramp their style or feel like a third wheel but those aren’t the only reasons I want to move out.
Gabe has always been more popular and charming and the one everyone likes. And I've never minded before because I love him. Maybe that's what makes this situation so unbearable. I never thought that I would envy or resent him for anything he has.
But when I look at Josie, when I see the love shining out of her eyes that he so easily disregards, it makes me feel something I never thought I could.
It makes me hate him a little bit.
chapter two
†
JOSIE
I knew where my life was heading until the night my best friend almost died.
My mind flashes to the painful image of Gabe, pale and bruised, with tubes coming out all over. His appearance was shocking enough but then he’d opened his eyes and said something that changed everything. He said, “Make sure she knows I love her, Jo. If I die, make sure Sasha knows.”
The nurses had been in the middle of sedating him so I don’t even know if he remembers what he said to me. But ever since then what he said hasn’t been far from my mind.
What if I were the one in that hospital bed? What would I regret? Would I be satisfied with the things I’ve accomplished or disappointed by all the time I’ve wasted?
I’ve made a lot of decisions over the past few weeks, some that others might call hasty, because of those words. I moved out of my parents’ house and broke up with my boyfriend. All because I don’t have an answer to any of those questions.
I had a path for my life but it turns out I was just stumbling along the road others paved for me.
I’m not much of a crier but everything seemed to converge into a mass of confusion today when I really looked at my life. I saw the bare bones of who I am and it wasn’t a pretty picture. Suddenly all I wanted was to cover that up with some color. Something to bring life to my black and white world.
Of course Zack had to see me in the midst of my breakdown.
Why is it that the one person you most want to impress always sees you at your worst? Zack has been in a unique position these past few years to see me at my lowest points. It’s no wonder he looks at me like an annoying little sister. Meanwhile, I’m dreaming of tracing all his tattoos with my tongue. He’d probably be completely disgusted if he knew.
Ugh.
I’m putting away the paint cans and cursing myself for being a complete coward when Sasha finds me. She looks exhausted but happy. Much like Gabe has looked since he met her.
“Hey, I thought I heard your voice earlier.” Her eyes widen when she takes in my paint-splattered appearance. “I didn’t know you were a painter?”
I grimace, looking down at the damage. “I’m not. This is more like… therapy.”
“Ah, I see.” Wisely, she doesn’t ask any more about it. “I was just coming down to get something to eat. Do you want to join me?”
Her invitation comes as a bit of a surprise. “Sure, I would love that. Just give me a second.”
She nods eagerly and then wanders over to look at the brushes and easel in the corner of the shed. I try not to stare at her too obviously as I strip off the coveralls and place them in a plastic bag. We’ve been friendly lately but she’s never sought me out before like this.
Everyone thinks I'm jealous because Gabe has a girlfriend now but I'm happy he has someone who loves him and will be there for him. These strange feelings of loss are just me acknowledging how things will change. For years, he's been my go-to guy when I need something. Now things will be different and that's the way it should be.
Sasha has been incredibly supportive of my photography career and even though I haven’t known her long, it’s meant a lot to me. Especially since I’ve been doing a lot of erotic art lately. A lot of people, including my own family, are scandalized and shocked by my pictures so I was worried that she would assume the worst when she found out what kind of pictures I take.
Surprisingly, she came with Gabe to my first show and they later bought one of the prints. It’s not hard to understand why he fell for her. Her gorgeous brown skin and curly black hair make her look like she came straight from some exotic island and she has the type of strong personality he needs. Gabe needs a woman who can hold her own.
“Okay, I think that’s it.”
I press down hard on the lid of each can to be sure they’re closed securely and then stack everything on the shelves. When Gabe bought this house, he put this shed back here just for me to store things. I’ve been hiding my art supplies from my parents since high school. Luckily Debbie and Paula never cared if I left stuff at their house. Now that I’m living with my friend Isabelle, I don’t have to bother hiding it anymore. I make a mental note to ask Zack for help loading my car later so I can transport some more of my supplies.
We walk back to the house and Sasha kicks off her shoes once we enter through the back door. I’m so used to being in Gabe’s house that I go directly to the kitchen sink to wash the paint from my hands and arms. We fall into an easy rhythm preparing the food. We’re just sitting down to eat, when Sasha looks over at me mischievously.
“I actually wanted to ask you something. But feel free to say no if it’s weird.” Sasha twirls her fork between her fingers, the metal clanking against her plate.
“You’re making me nervous. What is it?”
“It’s not that big of a deal. I just know someone who had some pictures taken for her boyfriend’s birthday and I was wondering if you would consider it. Taking pictures of me. You know, sexy pictures.”
Suddenly her discomfort makes sense. Sasha is pretty brazen but this tends to make even the most ballsy women a little shy.
“You want to do boudoir shots?”
“Yes. I mean, I was thinking about it.” She lets out a little nervous laugh. “Is that a stupid idea? Too cheesy?”
“Are you kidding? I’m sure there aren’t too many guys who would turn down that gift. Gabe would love it.”
A relieved smile spreads across her face. “So, you’ll do it? I don’t think I could take those kinds of pictures with a photographer that I don’t know. Plus, all the photos you had on display in the gallery were so classy and intimate.”
I cover her hand with mine. “You have nothing to worry about, Sasha. They’ll be really tasteful and elegant. You’ll see.”
I can understand her concern because boudoir shots are tricky. When done well, they’re spectacular but when done badly… The results can be anything from tacky to horrifying.
She smiles and squeezes my hand before taking another bite of spaghetti. Then her gaze turns calculating. “Speaking of that day at the gallery, I’ve been meaning to ask you. How are things with you and Zack?”
I choke slightly and then reach for my water glass. “Fine. Why wouldn’t they be?”
She tilts her head. “You know what I mean.”
I do unfort
unately. When Sasha started dating Gabe, she asked me flat out if there was anything between us. I love Gabe and I would never want to come between the two of them so I was forced to tell her the truth. A truth that very few people know. That Gabe isn’t the Marshall brother I want.
“There’s nothing going on. He doesn’t think of me that way. We’ve all been friends for so long that I’m like a sister to him.”
Sasha chews her food, lost in thought. “The way he looked at you that day in the gallery was not very brotherly.”
The sudden burn in the pit of my stomach takes me off guard. It’s a dangerous thing, hope. It’s exactly what I don’t need to be doing, imagining that maybe one day Zack will wake up and realize what I’ve always known. That we’re perfect for each other. It’s a fantasy. A dangerous one.
“I probably shouldn’t have said anything that day but I wanted you to understand. People always assume that I’m in love with Gabe.”
“Does Zack think that, too?”
“Yeah.”
She sighs. “This is a mess. Well, for what it’s worth, I think you would be really good for him. He’s always taking care of everyone else and I think he could use someone looking out for him.”
I agree completely but the thing is, Zack doesn’t want anyone to look out for him. He’s built himself an island and while he might allow me to visit, he’s never given any indication that he wants me to stay.
†
After that, Sasha and I finish our dinner in relative peace. She’s making the effort to keep up the conversation but my mind is only half on what she’s saying. The other half is on what Zack is doing up in his room. Probably playing his guitar. He does that when he’s stressed. After crying all over him, I can only guess he’s making himself scarce. He’s surely had his fill of female drama for the day.
Sasha goes back upstairs to check on Gabe and I decide to go straight home, making the decision not to visit my mother today. Spending time with her is a battle of wits even on a good day and I don’t have the fortitude right now. When I park in the drive in front of Isabelle’s house, I’m suddenly very tired.
The house is a pretty, three story Victorian right in the heart of West Haven. Izzie inherited this house from her grandparents late last year. It has an old-world elegance that’s completely different from Izzie’s brazen, punk style but somehow it fits her.
We’ve been friends a long time but I have to admit I was hesitant when she asked me to move in. You never really know someone until you’ve lived together and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to test our friendship that way. Especially since I like things tidy and Izzie has a tendency to be a walking disaster. Her room growing up always looked like a tornado had just come through.
But so far, we’ve meshed perfectly. Luckily her messiness is mainly confined to her room. She’s not a morning person but I’ve learned that as long as I don’t wake her up before ten on the weekends, we can make it work. I get a place to stay for next to nothing and Izzie says she feels better not rattling around this big place all alone.
Anything is better than living with my parents.
When I open the door, Isabelle looks up from her perch on the couch. She’s already changed into her favorite leggings and a long T-shirt so I know she’s in for the night. Her dirty blonde hair hangs over her shoulders in two long pigtails.
“Hey, I tried to call you. I ordered Chinese. The leftovers are in the fridge.”
“It’s okay. I ate at Gabe’s house.” I drop my handbag next to the door. She moves over so I can plop down on the couch next to her.
“I figured. How is he doing?”
“About the same. He’s sleeping a lot.”
Sadness washes over me again remembering how he looked. I'm not used to seeing him like that. Pale, tired and grumpy. It's so hard to see him hurt and vulnerable. Worse, I miss him. Not in the romantic way that everyone else assumes but as my friend.
Although crying all over Zack certainly doesn’t help the perception that I’m jealous.
“Maybe going over there so much isn’t a good thing.” Izzie says it slowly, drawing out the words. She shrugs when I look over at her. “I’m just saying.”
I can’t even be angry with her. She doesn’t know the real reason I spend so much time at Gabe’s house is so I can see his brother.
“I’m starting to think you’re right. I need to get back to work. Mr. Hartwell, you remember the owner of the gallery, wants to see my next photo series as soon as it’s done.”
“That’s great! You’re really doing it, Jo. Making a living with your photography. This is awesome.”
“I don’t know if I’d call it making a living. But I’m so excited to have the chance to shoot what I want.”
The money isn’t great yet but I’m secretly thrilled. It’s not easy to even have a chance at a show much less actually sell out. Now I have pretty much free license to shoot whatever I want. The proceeds from the last show will tide me over until I can figure out what I want to do. It’s nice to have that freedom.
“Have you decided what you’re going to work on next?” She picks up the remote and flips through the channels randomly.
“My erotic show sold out last time so I need to do something similar.”
She pauses on a channel with some kind of nature program. I can tell when my words sink in because her brow furrows.
“Another erotic show?” Her giggles are infectious. “You are really trying to give your mother a heart attack!”
“What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”
“Um, don’t you think you should at least warn her?”
“Yes, of course. But not until I’m done. The last thing I need in my head while working on this is my mother’s voice.”
“Well, it’s all going to hit the fan when she finds out you have another show coming up.”
I acknowledge her words with a shrug. Worrying about what my mom thinks is a waste of time. “Nothing I’ve ever done has made her happy except for dating Gabe. Which never actually happened. The one thing she thinks I did right was a product of her imagination. That tells you everything you need to know about my relationship with my mother.”
Izzie glances at me from the side of her eye. “I still think it’s a tragic waste that you never got a piece of that while you could.”
Her shocked outrage is still just as funny now as it was back in high school. “Iz, we were kids!”
“Whatever. Even the kid version of Gabe Marshall was some seriously prime eye-candy. You could have at least gotten naked a few times and manhandled that.”
I’m laughing so hard now that she shoves me over.
“It’s not funny! You know I had a serious crush on him and you just hung out with him like it was no big deal. There really weren’t any secret make-out sessions that you never told me about?”
I shake my head ruefully at the wishful tone of her voice. “Sorry to disappoint you. It's never been like that with us.”
"I know, I know. He's your white knight. I'm so grateful that he was there that night.” She gets really quiet all of a sudden and I know she’s remembering.
“It wasn’t your fault, Izzie.”
She manages a small smile. “Not directly but I shouldn’t have left you on your own. That’s part of the girlfriend code of honor.”
Truthfully, she remembers more of the night in question than I do. I’d told my parents that I was sleeping over at Izzie’s but we’d snuck out to go to a party at a senior’s house. We’d both gotten drunk for the first time and spent the entire night giggling over the couples making out in the corners, on the steps and even right out in the open.
Then Izzie had left me on my own to go talk to Chris, the boy she’d been crushing on since she’d been transferred into AP English. Everything after that is a blur.
According to her, Gabe found me in one of the upstairs rooms fighting off three guys who wouldn’t let me leave. My dress was torn and I was crying but I don’t remember any of th
at. All I know is that he got me out of there somehow. Strangely enough, the only thing I remember is the sensation of being held close and him tapping a rhythm on my arm.
For years after that night I couldn’t stand to be touched but the only thing I remember clearly is waking up in Izzie’s bed the next morning.
“Well, I still say it’s a shame. A man that gorgeous should never be put in the friend zone.”
“He makes me feel safe,” I say quietly. “I think I've been using Gabe as a crutch to keep from putting myself out there. The entire time I was dating Perry I think even he could tell something wasn't right. I stayed with him because he fit into the image my parents wanted. But he deserves better than that. And so do I.”
Izzie leans over and hugs me, burying her face in my shoulder. “You deserve everything.”
In that moment, I make another decision about my future. “I know what I want to do for my next project.”
She looks at me askance but she got used to how I randomly change topics years ago. “Your next photo series, you mean?”
“Yes. Sensuality is always presented as the female body. Not that I don’t understand why. The curves of the female form are beautiful. But I want to come at this from a different angle. I want to show the grace and sensuality in the male form.”
“Do it. Maybe you’ll finally stop mooning after Gabe if you find another hottie to lust after.”
She rolls her eyes at my scowl. “I know. Just friends. Whatever. So you’re focusing on the guys this time, huh?”
“That’s the plan.”
Her eyes sparkle as she sits up and I can tell she’s warming up to the idea. “You should hire one of those sexy male models to pose for you!”
Now she’s lost me. “I’m not hiring a hot guy just because you think I need to get laid. All the models for my last series were volunteers and I think it made the photos more stunning in the end because all the emotions captured were real. I was planning to do that again.”