“So tell me what you were running away from.”
He chuckled bitterly. “Oh no, I don’t think so. What? So you and Austin can compare notes on me? No way.”
“I’m just trying to understand you better. I’m very close to your parents, so I kind of feel…”
“Connected to me too?” he smirked again. “How sweet. We’re kindred spirits?”
I could have fed off of his sarcasm pretty easily and made the situation worse, but I decided to just play it off with a smile and said, “Yep, we are. Don’t tell me you can’t feel the spiritual connection,” I teased.
He smiled and studied me for a few seconds. “Well I definitely feel something between us, but I wouldn’t say it’s a spiritual connection.”
If it weren’t already so hot outside, my face would have warmed up instantly. But I could tell that Ben knew I was embarrassed because of the way he laughed. I tried not to let him unnerve me though and said, “Okay, I feel one form of a connection, you feel another…any way you look at it, you’re supposed to open up to me.”
He cast me a look that clearly stated I was being pretty bold, but even with the surprised smirk on his face, I could tell he was thinking it over. He stared ahead at the other men talking with one another so he wasn’t looking at me anymore, but I continued to watch him, waiting for a response. He ran a hand through his light brown hair and exhaled. I really thought he was going to confide in me, so when he stood up and said, “Nah, guess I don’t have it in me,” I felt a little insulted.
“Don’t have it in you to suck it up and face the truth?”
He gave me another smirk, and I could tell he knew I was perturbed. “Nope, guess not. I’m just a sorry excuse of a man that won’t give in to nosy women.”
“Nosy?”
“Mmhmm.”
I scoffed. “Whatever. I’m just trying to be your friend.”
“Well I don’t have any real friends, so I’m not sure what one is like.”
“Austin used to be your friend.”
“Austin gave up on me,” he replied with narrowed eyes. “Austin decided he was too good for the stable boy and moved on without me. Austin chose to dump me on my ass.”
“That doesn’t sound like the Austin I know. Look at me,” I said angrily. “I was a waitress in a diner and he still wanted to date me. He pursued me because he saw more to me than most people did.”
“Maybe you were his do-over.”
“Excuse me?”
“He had to get rid of the guilt, make up for what he did to me.”
I stared at him, dumbfounded. “I don’t even know what you’re talking about, but are you implying that Austin felt sorry for me or something?”
“I’m not implying anything. Just forget it.”
“No, I want you to be accountable for what you just said. You told me that Austin thought he was too good for you. What does that mean? How did he give up on you?”
He smiled and shook his head, clearly unwilling to get into it. “I’m not doing this,” he even said. “You’re pretty good though, you know? ‘I want you to be accountable for what you just said,’ ” he mimicked. “I like it.”
“And you’re pretty good yourself,” I retorted. “I can tell you’re very practiced in the art of evading the truth.”
“Evading it? I live with it every day, honey. If I wanted to dodge it any longer, why the hell would I be here again? –In California, with everything that reminds me of my past.”
“I think you’re reminded of your past anywhere you go, and you know it isn’t going to go away until you finally deal with it.”
He gave me a look of defiance and said, “And you’re a freaking vet? You sure you wouldn’t rather switch professions and stick your nose in other people’s business full time?”
“No, because then I’d have to hear one excuse after another, and frankly, I can’t handle people that are in denial. It’s not a psychological issue I’m familiar with.”
He chuckled pretty sarcastically, even giving me a thumb’s up to signify that I’d topped him. “That’s good, that’s good,” he smiled, nodding his head. “Almost as good as the fact that you’re the biggest hypocrite that I’ve ever met.”
“Excuse me?”
“Oh, man. People like you are the ones that are in denial. You sit there on your soap box, preaching that I’m supposed to face the truth, open up to you and unload all of my mistakes and crap just like that,” he said, snapping his fingers, “when I bet you can’t even name one hardship you’ve ever had to go through. Bad hair days and PMS don’t even count,” he added, smiling at his own wit.
I could feel my anger boil, and I almost wanted to punch him in the face. He made me think of my mother at that moment, and the fact that she was now gone really burned me deep. I instantly thought of the day in fifth grade when Joey Roberts took my A+ report on mammals and threw it in the mud. “How’s that for your A-plus,” he sneered as a dozen other kids laughed. “You think you’re better than everyone else, don’t you?” he laughed as he left me standing there.
I’ll admit that I cried the entire way home from school that day, feeling like one kid had the power to completely tear me down. My mother made me vow that I would never allow myself to feel that way again and that I would always be proud of my achievements whether people noticed or not. “People like Joey are hurting inside,” she had told me. I think that phrase echoed over one hundred times in my head since then, and whenever I was faced with a moment like that in my life, I repeated, “People like Joey are hurting inside.”
“I suppose I could throw your own words in your face,” I said to Ben. “ ‘You know nothing about my life,’ ” I mimicked. “My father was a crack head—heroin, cocaine, meth; whatever else he does now—and he finally left town for good when I was ten years old. I guess after he got tired of beating up on my mom and me. Now I realize it was actually a good thing, but back then it was really hard to accept the fact that my dad didn’t want me. All I wanted was for my dad to just like me, to just treat me like he actually cared about me. I understand that he’s not even capable of being a parent anyway because of what the drugs have done to him, and I think I’m finally beyond all of that. I don’t want him in my life, and I’ve finally discarded the ridiculous fantasy that he would ever be there for me.
“Now my mother on the other hand… She was my best friend. She worked her ass off to give me a decent life, and if there was anyone that ever faced their mistakes to make things right, it was my mom. Sometimes I even got sick of her apologies and her efforts to ‘make it up to me.’ I didn’t feel like she needed to make anything up to me. She was a great mom. So yeah, I guess her death doesn’t really count as a hardship since your problems are so much harder than anyone else’s.”
He didn’t say anything when I stood up to leave, especially because I could hear a familiar engine coming up the road and I was looking for the car that went with it. It really was Austin, but I wasn’t sure if I was happy to see him or not because of how angry I was at the moment. Especially when Ben smiled at me and said, “See? I can pull off the shrink role just as easily. Actually, I think I got more out of you than you did me.”
I almost gaped at him with disbelief as he slid off of the tailgate and flashed me another smile. Austin arrived just then, not at all happy with whom had been keeping me company. But Ben disappeared into the crowd in front of us, and I was still standing there, pissed as hell.
“What’s going on?” Austin asked. “Is he bothering you?”
He was about to follow after Ben to do who knows what, but I grabbed his arm to stop him. “Leave it alone.”
“What’d he do?” he demanded. “You look like you wanna fight him about now. I totally know that feeling when it comes to Ben, so just tell me what happened.”
“Nothing, I just…” I sighed. “I don’t want to talk about it right now. Will you just… Can you take me home?”
He studied me for moment and then nodded his head.
He very noticeably looked me over, even taking my hands in his to look over the damage on my forearms, and then pulled me close to him for a hug. It felt really good, but at the same time I kind of felt embarrassed because I was so dirty, and when he pressed against my back to hold me tighter, it made me wince. I could tell I had other parts of my body to look over later on.
“My dad told me what kind of day you guys have had,” he said. “I’m sorry.”
I shrugged and pulled away to look at him. “It was only as bad as it was because of the heat.”
“And?” he asked, holding my arm up to eye the bandage.
I shrugged again. “And I kind of fell down a mountain.”
He chuckled because I’d said it so casually, but after he shook his head at me, he gave me a kiss and led me to the car. I couldn’t help glancing behind us as we left the scene, and I know Austin glanced back because I did, but all it took was one little glimpse at Ben leaning against the trailer, and his smug smile sent an unfamiliar feeling to my stomach. I told myself to just let it go, to listen to Austin and stay away from him, but there was something about Ben that didn’t sit right with me, and I didn’t know what I was supposed to do about it.
Chapter Thirteen
There’s something about hearing a horse greet you with a whinny that makes you feel really good inside. Maybe it’s just the fact that an animal can be so connected to you. Maybe it’s because he literally relies on you to take care of him. Maybe it’s because horses really do know how to make a best friend out of someone, and that in and of itself is a remarkable quality in a creature.
Born To Be Wild had befriended me the moment he was coherent enough to do so. He was given a stall by Jack’s office so we could keep a close eye on him, and he always seemed to be at the stall door, watching everything going on that he could. He was able to recognize my voice by the third day we had him. It didn’t matter where I was in the barn, but if he could hear me, he would whinny to let me know it. Sometimes I would even holler something around the corner, just to see if he was paying attention. He never let me down, even when Jack and I were arguing about the Raiders and the Forty-Niners, Born To Be Wild seemed to yell at Jack, just to show he supported me.
The week after we’d rescued Wild, Greg came by the stables to see him. I almost panicked, thinking that he would try to get the horse back. Jack could sense my worry, so while Greg was shooting the breeze with Dave, Jack said, “He’s ours, Nova. Nobody’s gonna to take him.”
I felt a little bit of relief, but I couldn’t completely relax until Greg finally left the ranch.
“You’re happy to be away from that loud-mouthed old codger, aren’t you pal?” I said to Wild, feeding him a few of the potato chips I was eating. He blew some air out of his nostrils as a response and sprayed me.
“Gross!” I laughed, wiping the side of my face. “Save that for the people you don’t like.”
I gave him another chip and rubbed the side of his face before I turned around to leave, only to come face to face with Ben. I was instantly uncomfortable, especially because I didn’t know how long he’d been standing there, but particularly because I hadn’t spoken to him for an entire week since that day on the mountain. I’d seen him around a few times, mainly from a distance, but I was never within five feet of him like I was now.
I decided not to say anything as I crumpled up the empty chip bag and proceeded to make my way into Jack’s office. In my peripheral I could tell that Ben was annoyed, just by how he reacted to me completely ignoring him, but I was a little surprised that he actually followed me into the room.
“Come on, Nova. Don’t give me the cold shoulder.”
I tossed the bag in the garbage and then washed my hands in the sink. I took my time, deciding if I should say anything to him or not, and then grabbed a paper towel as I turned to face him. He was standing there with his hands in his pockets during the time I was carefully considering a conversation with him, and then I tossed the paper towel and turned away to do some work.
“Oh, come on,” he said again. I could tell he entered the office further, even standing behind me when he added, “I’m really sorry, okay? What I said that day… Whatever you’re upset about, I’m sorry. I was a jerk, I was out of line, and I know I don’t deserve your friendship, but I just want you to know that…I really want it. I want to be friends with you.”
There was silence for several seconds while I thought about his apology. It was decent—it felt sincere—so I really did feel obligated to accept it.
I turned around to face him again, ready to make amends, but also completely on the defensive. I didn’t want to be burned by him a second time.
“Okay, fine. Apology accepted. And I also apologize for saying things that you weren’t man enough to hear.”
I turned back to my work and he chuckled, which made me smile to myself.
“You’re a brat, you know it? Just like that horse of yours. I think you were a match made in heaven.”
“We must be kindred spirits,” I replied sarcastically.
He lightly laughed again, and when he said, “Maybe that was the connection you were feeling out there,” it was my turn to laugh.
I faced him again and we both laughed some more.
Then he said, “That vibe must have just been floating around out there with the sweltering heat, but I surely hope the other vibe wasn’t coming from the horse, too.”
I laughed even harder and threw a box of tissues at him, and that’s when Austin came into the office. I could tell he wasn’t happy, and he just stared at the two of us. I was kind of surprised that he didn’t say anything though, but Ben made a quick exit without a word either.
I picked up the box of Kleenex and set it back on the counter. Austin came across the room slowly, and I could tell he was going to say something so I decided to wait for it.
“Are you working?” he finally asked.
“Uh, yeah, just filling out some paperwork.” I sat down at the desk but turned my chair to face him. “Are you working?” I smiled, knowing he’d been doing bookwork for his dad.
“So you’re working—getting paid—to have a few giggles with Ben?” he asked instead of answering my question.
I stared at him for several seconds, unsure of how to respond.
“I mean I’m used to seeing you and Jack have a blast with each other,” he continued, “but I’m not used to seeing that. You know…having good times with the one person I’ve asked you to stay away from.”
“Don’t do this, Austin,” I pleaded quietly.
“Don’t do what? Don’t be the boss?”
“Oh, so now this is business related? Okay then, I’m sorry, sir, for socializing while I’m on the clock. It won’t happen again.”
“Nova, don’t be a smart ass.”
“What?” I asked with disbelief.
He sighed and shook his head. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.”
“Are you sure?” I asked carefully. “Because you seem really upset with me.”
“With Ben.”
“Why? He only apologized to me for being a prick to me last week.”
“So what were you laughing about? What a total asshole he is?”
I rolled my eyes, but I wasn’t sure what to say to him. I guess I just had to make things worse by saying, “I’m working, Austin. If you’re going to get on my case for fraternizing with Ben, then you’ll have to scold me for spending time on my personal life right now with you—”
“Don’t be like that,” he scoffed.
“Be like what? You challenge the one thing that I take pride in—my work ethic—and use it against me.”
“That’s not—” He stopped short and then sighed. “I only said it out of frustration. It was stupid and I’m sorry.”
“But it’s how you feel,” I stated.
He didn’t say anything for a few seconds as we just stood there, looking at each other. Finally his shoulders dropped and he shook his head. He sat down at t
he counter and rubbed his face with his hands.
“Ben’s not even allowed in here,” he said. “After stealing so many of the drugs and stuff in here over the years, he’s not allowed to come in here. He knows that.”
I took a moment to consider that and then sat down at the counter across from him. “I understand. But I don’t believe he was even thinking about that when he followed me in here.” Austin gave me a curious look so I added, “At first I refused to talk to him.”
He slightly raised an eyebrow, but then chose to let it go. He reached across the counter to take my hands in his and said, “I’m sorry I reacted like that. It had nothing to do with you and it was very unfair of me to talk to you that way. Professionally and personally.”
I smiled because of his words and because of the warmth I felt after hearing them. “How do I know you’re serious?” I teased. “You know, about the personal part of the apology.”
He slowly smiled but took the bait, and he was around to my side of the counter to kiss me in three seconds flat.
“I love you,” he said softly, holding me close.
“And I love you, too.”
He leaned his forehead against mine for a few seconds and then gave me one last kiss. “I’ll see you tonight,” he said as he left the office.
I waved as he shut the door and then sat down at the desk again.
I thought about the past week since that day on the mountain. Austin and I only talked about Ben once, and that was the day after when he again asked what had made me upset while talking to Ben. I only said that Ben wouldn’t open up to me about his past, and that he’d tricked me into revealing some of mine.
Austin did end up filling me in about a few things, and I could see where all the different emotions were coming from, especially Clara and Heath. Apparently Ben had been stealing more than just the drugs in Jack’s office, but also money from the petty cash fund, and he’d even hocked a few items now and then. That all happened two years after Amy’s death, and Austin didn’t even know about it at the time. Dave and Marlo kept it quiet because the family was already going through so many struggles. Austin was still friends with Ben at that point, and he was for a few years after, but all Austin would say was that they “drifted apart.”
Nova Page 16