“I’m just having a rough day.”
“Well I’d say so. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you cry before.”
“And it should have stayed that way,” I grumbled.
I could feel him laugh, but he pulled away from me to see my face. “Well I don’t like to see you cry,” he said, wiping a stray tear, “but you really don’t need to hide it from me. Let’s go back inside, okay?”
“Uh… No, I just…I think I just need the drive south to clear my head. I should get going.”
“You’re running again,” he stated. “This has to do with what we were talking about in the house?”
I didn’t reply.
“Nova, I’m sorry that I upset you, but I told you that I didn’t want to disappoint you. Wait, I shouldn’t say that, it’s like saying ‘I told you so.’ Shit, I just said it anyways…”
I smiled and laid my head against him again. “Can we not talk about this right now? I’m sorry I totally put a damper on a great weekend, but now I just need some time to shelf some of these hormones.”
“Ooh, hormones. Uh…”
I smiled again and gave him a kiss. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”
“Nova…” he said as I opened the car door. “Really? You’re really leaving?”
“Uh, yeah, I’m just tired and…have some things to do before school tomorrow.”
He paused for a few seconds before he finally nodded. “All right. Uh, are you sure you’ll be okay driving home?”
I nodded as I got in the car, and he took a couple of steps back and watched me drive away. As soon as I was out of sight I began to bawl, and all I could think about was the fact that Austin didn’t want to marry me.
Chapter Fifteen
“You quit being such a woman,” my grandpa playfully growled. “You’ve gone and scared the boy away.”
I groaned out loud. “I know that now. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was just living in the moment I guess.”
“That gets people into trouble.”
“Well, Old Wise One. If I’d had you there to head off my stupidity…”
He chuckled and lightly punched me in the arm. “You’re a smart ass.”
“I learned it from you.”
“Oh, just try to forget about it. Austin is a bright kid. It doesn’t sound like he’s going to drop you on your can anytime soon.”
“Thanks, Gramps.”
He smiled. “He knows how you feel now,” he shrugged. “When he finally realizes it’s what he wants too, it’ll make it that much easier.”
I sighed. “I just… I just thought he did want that too. How did I get so mixed up?”
“Well, what has he done that’s made you think, ‘Oh, he wants to marry me’?”
I gave him an unhappy scowl, but realized he was being serious. I thought for a moment and said, “I guess the phrase ‘future together’ has more than one meaning?”
He considered it for a few seconds and then shrugged. “Possibly. But sometimes when a guy talks about having a future with a girl, he could just be saying it to…”
“Keep her around?” I finished carefully.
“Well…”
“You really think that’s what Austin was doing?”
“Noves, I think that he loves you and doesn’t want to lose you. But you have to respect his feelings when he says he’s not ready. Even if you feel that the two of you belong together, he still needs to realize that on his own. Marriage talk can really freak a boy out, ya know? And some boys just aren’t ready to settle down in that way. My advice to you? Just keep dating, sweetheart. Just keep building a solid relationship with him, and the rest will take its course. There’s no rush to get married. Just enjoy what you have.”
I let out a breath of air and laid my head on his shoulder. We were both quiet for a while, just watching the people enjoy the beautiful day at Brookside Gardens.
“Why did he have to throw off my plan, Gramps?”
He laughed and squeezed me tight. “Love doesn’t make sense sometimes. Nor is it convenient.”
“It definitely wasn’t convenient. It actually makes sense, it just should have happened in four years.”
“Then you need to be patient.”
“I just don’t get it,” I rambled on. “I had my life all figured out. I wanted to work, I wanted to finish school, and I didn’t want a serious relationship. I’m trying to be reasonable about this Grandpa, and I know the logical choice is to continue with school. Who knows where Austin will be at this time next year. Well he plans on racing, that’s for sure. He made that perfectly clear. I mean I can’t change my entire life for the guy, can I?”
“ ‘Can’ is the optional word here. ‘Would’ is another. Would you be willing to change your life for him, and at what cost?”
“Thanks for adding more to the plate.”
“When he makes a lot of money, could you have him buy me a race horse?”
“You’re not helping here, Grandpa.”
“How come?”
I smiled and gave him a nudge. “Because you know how sad I am right now and you’re being a pain so you don’t have to deal with it seriously.”
“I’ve given you plenty of serious.”
“I know. I’m just being a silly girl.”
He got up slowly, holding his back while he groaned. “Well, I guess I better go take care of this punk once and for all…”
I laughed and said, “You like Austin more than you like me.”
“Bull. He’s just a kid; I can take him.”
“What about your race horse?”
“Oh yeah,” he replied casually, sitting back down.
“You know, for an old guy you’re kind of a bully.”
“The elderly are treated like a minority; gotta stand our ground. And when you’re seventy-five, let me know how it goes for you.”
I smiled and laid my head against his shoulder again. We talked about Austin for a little more that Wednesday afternoon, but in all honesty, I was getting worn out from it because of the emotions involved. I knew that I should just forget about my lapse of judgment and move on, but the incident had given me so much anxiety that I was constantly worried about it. I couldn’t stop that stupid thought in the back of my head that made me so uneasy. I really didn’t know what to do about my education, and I was mad at myself (and Austin) for struggling with it so much. I already knew that I would give it up for him, and even though that kind of annoyed me in and of its self, I knew I was following my heart. However, Austin wasn’t ready to join me on that decision, and I was on my own.
Over the next month my anxiety gradually dwindled away. I guess time really did kind of settle my nerves, and I was content with following the advice to just be patient. I knew that I loved Austin, and for now that was what he needed. I chose to focus on school, reminding myself that I had until spring to make a decision about the future of my education.
In October I went to Austin’s race up in Roseville, and because all of his family was there, including the other employees of Harmony Acres, it was actually a pretty enjoyable day. It was sunny and in the mid-seventies, and even though Austin was just getting over a cold and flu, he was in pretty good spirits. I think under normal circumstances a person would have been sick for a few days, like I had been, but racing was like an instant cure for him, and he was all smiles before he got into his car.
Around the 94th lap I was listening to Marlo and Clara joke about Austin and the pet goat he had when he was little. Marlo was saying how she missed those days of having little children around the ranch, and I couldn’t help but feel like she was hinting around about having grandkids someday. I wasn’t sure what Austin’s parents knew about our relationship, particularly our marriage talk (or the no-marriage talk, rather), but I didn’t feel comfortable getting into it at that moment. But it wasn’t necessary anyways because as I was watching the race carry on in front of us, I held my breath as the No. 49 car got way too close to Austin’s rear end
again. Austin was currently in first place with two cars trying to pass him, and then the No. 49 car bumped Austin’s tail just before the corner.
“What the—?” I gasped. I think my heart dropped into my stomach.
“Damn it,” Dave growled, as Austin’s car got spun around.
Damn it? That’s all he could say?! His car was spinning!
“It’s okay, sweetie,” Marlo said, taking my hand in hers. “He spun into the grass, see?”
I did see, but it didn’t make it any better. The No. 44 car got out of it scot-free, and he was now in first place.
“Is that even legal?” I asked angrily.
“Yeah, but only a certain type of moron would even attempt to do that right there,” Dave replied.
“That guy was riding his tail the entire time,” I said.
“That’s called drafting. It’s not always a bad play when it’s done right, but it’s dangerous. I can’t believe Marshall pulled off a bump-and-run, though,” he added, almost to himself.
Well you can only imagine how I was feeling at that moment. Watching Austin’s races were hard enough, but I’d never seen him get hit by another car. I’d heard that he had, but not at a race that I was watching.
Austin’s car ended up back on the track right away. I was actually upset about that and I wondered why he couldn’t just be done for the day, but he was right back in the middle of the pack after a dozen laps.
By the end of the day, after barely making myself finish watching the race, I wandered down to the track with the family while everyone congratulated Austin’s eighth place finish. I’ll admit that I probably wasn’t as enthusiastic about it as everyone else was, but I did give him a hug and a kiss, telling him I was glad he was still in one piece.
He smiled and said, “Of course I am. It was just a spinout.”
“Just a—”
I chose to hold my tongue and didn’t say anything further. He could tell I was upset though, and when the rest of our gathering left for the parking lot, it was just the two of us.
“I’m sorry that made you worry,” he said.
“Then you’ll be perfectly fine with me skipping the next race, right?”
He seemed surprised, maybe disappointed, but eventually shrugged his shoulders. “I guess if that’s what you decide. It’s in Phoenix, though. I mean Phoenix International Raceway is…” He sighed. “It’s my last race, Nov. I need you there.”
“Why do you need me there?” I shrugged. “I mean you’re so focused on your races, you are all you need.”
“That’s not the point. I thought we were going to have a vacation together. Just the two of us.”
“A vacation? So when should I have the heart attack? On the way there, or during your race?”
He smiled and wrapped his arms around me. “You’re not going to worry about anything.”
“Right.”
“But if it’s really gonna be that tough for you…don’t go.”
I studied him for a few seconds, giving myself a chance to read him. He seemed pretty indifferent about it, like he wasn’t so adamant about me being there anymore if I really didn’t want to be.
“Is that what you want?” I asked.
“No,” he chuckled. “Nova, you don’t want to go to my race so why would I want to make you? Yeah I’m disappointed, but I don’t want you to be upset over it. It’s not a big deal. I’m sorry I’ve made you go to as many as you have.”
“You didn’t ‘make’ me go, Austin,” I smiled. “Let’s just… Let’s not talk about this right now, okay?” I finally said. I didn’t like how there were eyes watching us, especially a girl that seemed to be eyeing my boyfriend for some reason. She had bleach-blonde hair and stabbing blues eyes. I mean I literally felt like they were intending to kill me.
“Sure,” Austin replied. “You’re going to ride home with me, right? …Nova?”
I brought my attention back to him and said, “Yes. Yes I’m riding with you. I’ll wait for you?”
He eyed me curiously and glanced the direction I had been looking. The blonde was still staring at us.
With a tiny smile he said, “Don’t mind her. She’s Grant’s daughter. And like Grant, she has no respect for people’s privacy.”
I glanced at her one more time and then slightly moved myself so Austin’s back was to her and she couldn’t see me. Being that she was Grant’s daughter (Grant being the owner of the car that Austin drove), I had even more unsettling feelings about her. But Austin gave me a kiss and I temporarily put aside my worries. I was even more distracted when Austin was heading to meet with his team and Jeremy Marshall slowed him down with some sort of comment. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but Austin barely gave him a response and left him standing there. I didn’t like the smug smile on Jeremy’s face, and I could tell he’d probably said something to Austin about beating him that day in the race.
He came my way after that. I was pretty sure he would have been intercepted had Austin still been around, but Jeremy decided to take advantage of the fact that I was alone. Ever since the first time I met him, when he’d very subtly made a comment about my name and that he’d like to take me for a test drive sometime, I tried to steer clear of him. He used to be Austin’s teammate, but Jeremy started driving for another team two months prior. Austin was pleased about that because he didn’t like the guy.
“Hey,” Jeremy smiled as he approached. “You’ve become a regular at these things I see.”
I didn’t reply and it only made him smile again.
“Well anyhow, it’s nice to see loyal fans attend—even if it is for another driver. But if you decide that your allegiance might change…”
That made me smile and I almost laughed. “No thanks,” I said, walking away.
“Hey, wait a minute,” he chuckled, catching up with me. “What’s the rush? I thought we could chat a little while you wait for your boyfriend.”
“No thanks, I have a phone call I need to make.” And with that I left, headed for the parking lot. There was no way I wanted to spend my time talking to Jeremy Marshall.
I did make a phone call on my way, letting Austin know I was going to wait in his car. I was thankful to have a set of keys to his Camaro, so I let myself inside and locked the door—just in case there were other Jeremys lurking about.
I always kept a book in my purse wherever I went, so I’d probably been reading for about a half an hour by the time Austin sat down behind the wheel. I was a little concerned when he looked upset about something, but I waited a few seconds for him to bring it up first.
“Marshall slither his way into a conversation with you?” he asked.
I looked him over as he started the ignition. “Austin, don’t let him get to you. He tried to talk to me for, like, ten seconds and I blew him off. That’s why I came to the car.”
He slighted nodded and pulled out of the parking space. “I figured as much, which is why I didn’t respond.”
“What did he say?”
“Oh, just that you and him had a nice time together, chatting up a storm, or something gay like that.”
I smiled and reached over to take his hand. He returned the smile and kissed my hand, but I could read Austin pretty well at that moment, and I knew that Jeremy’s first place finish is probably what was bothering him the most. Finally he did say, “I can’t believe that prick beat me today.”
I never knew what to say when it came to his races. I usually said positive things in general, but I really felt pretty dumb when it came to the sport.
“So what’s the next race with him going to be like?” I asked.
He glanced at me as we pulled onto Washington Boulevard. “What do you mean?”
“Is he going to pull that crap at the next race? How is purposely hitting another car in a race legal? Is he going to do it again? What if something worse happens? What if you don’t just spin out into the grass next time?”
“Well I wouldn’t be lucky enough to hit grass in
Phoenix. With the way it’s set up, there isn’t a big grassy area to safely…”
He stopped when I stared at him with wide eyes.
“Nova—”
“Never mind, I don’t want to talk about it,” I said.
We were both quiet as we left Roseville. Normally Austin would keep trying to reassure me, but that time he just let it go. I could tell that he was probably sick of the same conversations we always had about racing, and I did feel bad about that. But I loved him, and I was worried about him. Didn’t I have a right to voice my concerns? I guess I did to an extent, but how many times was I going to discuss something with him that was never going to get me anywhere?
I was sure that he wished I would just fake my smiles and enthusiasm about his races until I actually learned to enjoy them. I wondered if that was actually his plan. Did he intend on inviting me to the races, hoping I would eventually grow to love it?
I almost got that impression, especially when he would occasionally say things like, “My mom used to throw fits about racing, but now she’s okay with it…” Maybe he was hinting that I would learn to be okay with it, too. I didn’t find that likely, but I did understand who Austin was as a person, and I knew racing came with the package.
I had a choice to either let that drive a wedge between us, or just love him entirely for who he was. It really did come down to a decision, and I wanted Austin in my life more than anything. Would I prefer racing to be out of the equation? The immediate answer would be yes. But…if Austin didn’t race cars, would he really be the same Austin? I didn’t feel equipped to make that call, but I think I knew the answer…
Chapter Sixteen
“Wow, that is beautiful, Marlo,” I said, running a hand over the quilt that was draped over the family room couch. “I might have to learn how to sew fabric instead of flesh.”
She smiled and picked up an end of it. “This one was really easy. Just basic quilt blocks that almost anyone can do.”
“Yeah, almost anyone. I’m not sure if I’m included in that category.”
She laughed and said, “You won’t know until you try. I think you and I need a few quilting sessions together.”
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