His face seemed to darken, but he didn’t reply right away. He grabbed a pair of pants from a chair and put them on. “That’s his problem,” he said. “You still let him run your life from how many miles away?”
“That is not what we’re talking about here! You knew that Austin would flip out if I mentioned Charlie’s name, didn’t you?”
He took a moment as he put on a t-shirt. “So what if I did? He doesn’t like me but he left you here to live in the same house as me? Come on, Nova. Get a clue.”
I stared at him with disbelief. “Really? Now I’m clueless?”
“Why can’t you see beyond your own little dream world? Are all the rainbows and butterflies getting in the way? You can’t see past the unicorns? What Austin wants, Austin gets, right? Don’t you think you’re missing the point? If he wanted you in his life, he would have found a way to make it happen. I know the truth hurts, so I’m sorry about that, but I did you a favor.”
He walked past me for the bathroom, and after standing there in a stupor for a few seconds I followed him there. He splashed water on his face and I just remained in the doorway until I could figure out what to say.
“You did me a favor, huh?” I finally said, trying to stay calm. “He’s now mad at me, he’s mad at you—”
“Why’s he mad at you? And really, he finally had a phone conversation with you? How long did that take? A week?”
“That’s none of your business.”
“Well you’ve just made it my business, being that he’s mad at me via said phone conversation. So tell me why he’s mad at you.”
I took a deep breath, knowing that I’d totally set myself up for humiliation. This is why I chose to keep my emotions to myself—because I always ended up regretting it.
“Nova? Tell me why he’s mad at you. I was the one that put you around Charlie. He should be mad at me.”
I groaned and just left for my room. I didn’t know why I got myself into these situations.
“Oh, no you don’t,” Ben said, getting to my door the same time I did. He squeezed through the doorway before I could shut it on him. “You’re the one that blew up at me, so you’d better explain yourself.”
“I don’t have to explain anything.”
“Fine, then maybe I should just call him myself. I have no problem discussing all things Nova since I obviously spend way more time with you than he does.”
“Don’t be a jerk.”
“How am I being a jerk? Stating the obvious?”
“Rubbing it in! Taking the knife and twisting it a few times, just to make sure I feel it more!”
I could tell he didn’t know what to say. And hopefully he felt bad because I wished I could say something really mean to him at the moment, but I couldn’t think of anything good.
“I’m sorry,” he finally said. “I guess getting you to see my point of view is just as ineffective as you making Austin see your point of view.”
I wasn’t sure how to take that. He seemed to say it apologetically, but at the same time he wanted to get his two cents in.
I made my way to the bed and sat down, completely frustrated. I was basically still fighting with Austin and he wasn’t even there. “I thought if I mentioned our time at the concert… I was hoping it would make him jealous,” I admitted with a sigh. “I casually brought it up, like it wasn’t a big deal, but I knew that he’d have a problem with me hanging out with you.”
I barely glanced at Ben because I was embarrassed, but he didn’t say anything and just sat on the bed next to me.
“I guess I was just desperate,” I continued. “I just…wanted to feel like there was something that could light a spark in him or something. Maybe I hoped he’d be bothered enough to come see me. But then I mentioned Charlie and he almost had a cow.” I turned to him and narrowed my eyes. “I had no idea he held a knife to Sami’s throat, Ben.”
“That’s when I made him go to rehab,” he said quietly. “It was the last straw. I stayed until he was clean, and then I left town. I even made Charlie come with me because I didn’t want anything to happen to him—I didn’t want him to be around any old acquaintances.”
I thought about that for a moment, torn between the idea that Ben truly did look after people and the fact that he really ticked me off sometimes.
“And I’m glad that you used me to make Austin jealous because that was the point.”
I eyed him carefully and asked, “What was the point?”
“You hanging out with me. I knew once he finally got wind of it, he’d be pretty peeved. He needs that, Nova. It serves him right.”
“I don’t feel like punishing him, Ben.”
“I know, and you prove that by giving him chance after chance after chance. But it’s not about punishing him. It’s about giving him a broader picture. I think he needs that.”
“I don’t think he needs to be stressing out about things when he has a career to focus on.”
“I think you’re wrong. I think he needs to realize how important you are to him.”
I scoffed, mainly because it seemed like such a dumb thing to make someone “realize.” Why didn’t Austin already feel that I was important to him? No, instead he moves to North Carolina and dumps me rather than take me with him. Yes, I said it. He dumped me.
“I think that you’re giving him the wrong idea,” I said. “What if he thinks I don’t care about him anymore? What if he decides that I’m having fun over here, so I obviously don’t love him anymore? And then he decides to find himself someone new…” I groaned to myself and dropped my head into my hands.
“Come on, Nova. You’re forgetting who Austin is here. He’s a competitor. He’s not gonna hand you over just like that.”
“Oh but I thought you said he’d find a way to be together if he really wanted to,” I said sarcastically. “And quit making me sound like a trophy or something.”
He was about to respond but didn’t. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not. I wanted to hear what he had to say, but I was sure it would probably make me mad.
“Why in the world would you wake me up at four in the morning?” Ben asked, standing up. “I’d go back to bed, but I think I’m wide awake.”
“I’m sorry. North Carolina is three hours ahead…”
He slightly nodded, but on his way out the door he stopped and asked, “Did he finally call you?”
I was reluctant to answer but had to say, “Uh, no, I called him.”
After a brief pause he asked, “And you just happened to be up at four?”
“I couldn’t sleep,” I shrugged. “And I knew he would be up, and that I might have a good chance of actually getting a hold of him.”
Again he barely nodded and then left my room.
With a groan/sigh combination, I dropped myself onto the bed.
Surprisingly I got a call from Austin two days later. I was in Clover’s Café finishing up a shift after my morning of school. I was so excited to take his call that I left the restaurant with my apron on.
“Hey there,” I said as I got into my car.
“Hey yourself. You busy?”
“Nope, just about to leave the diner.”
“You working tomorrow, too?”
“Actually, no. I’m going to spend Wednesday with my Grandpa.” He didn’t respond right away, so I asked, “What are you up to? What’s going on for you this week?”
That got him talking about racing, and I was happy to hear about all of it. I was glad that he didn’t mention Ben, even though I knew that he’d called him himself and chewed him out the day after I’d last talked to him. Ben claimed it was a good thing, but I wasn’t so sure.
“So…I was wondering if you’d want to meet me in Vegas this weekend,” he finally said.
For a second I pictured Elvis and wedding bells, but I knew he meant for his race.
“Nova?” he asked when I didn’t respond.
“Um, I’m not sure. I know I have a visit to the Langley farm with Jack on Saturday…”
“Can’t Jack go by himself? I mean wouldn’t that be more in his favor?” he chuckled.
“Yeah,” I smiled. “But we’re gelding a couple of horses she acquired…”
“So is that a no?” he asked. “I really want to see you, Nova. Could you find a way around it? Or maybe change it to a day early or something?”
“She’ll be gone until Friday night.”
“Well…could Jack take Lori?”
“Jack can’t stand Lori. And this isn’t about needing two vets, Austin. It’s about me getting some experience.”
“Yeah, I know,” he sighed, seeming disappointed. But then he said, “Well even if you miss my race, could you still come down that night?”
I guess that was a possibility, but why was I so hesitant to answer? I really wanted to see him, but I was afraid of two things: one, conflicting with work, and two, confusing myself over our relationship again.
“I’ll think about it,” I ended up telling him. “But right now I need to run because I’m hanging out with Autumn tonight.”
I really was spending time with Autumn later, but it wasn’t for another two hours. I was trying to be strong by giving him a “maybe” type of answer and it was getting tough for me.
“Okay,” he replied. “Call me as soon as you know.”
“Okay, I will.”
“I love you, Nova. Have fun on your date tonight.”
I had to pause for a second before I chuckled, “I don’t have a date. It’s just Autumn.” After the mess that Ben put me through, I really didn’t want to give him the wrong idea.
“Okay, have fun with Autumn.”
“All right, I love you, too.” As a last second thought I added, “And only you, Austin.”
When I arrived at the ranch on Thursday night I found Ben in his room with the door open. He was folding clothes and setting them in his dresser drawers when I told him about Austin’s request.
“Don’t go,” he said matter-of-factly. He placed a shirt in the top drawer, and when I didn’t respond, he knew I was frustrated. “I’m telling you, Nova… Don’t go.”
“And what do I tell him the reason is? ‘Ben thinks I should play hard to get.’ He’d crap a brick.”
“Good, let him.”
“Ben, I’m serious.”
“I know you are,” he sighed. “And so am I. I know it’s hard to do, but you shouldn’t go this time. Wait for him to do something nice for you for a change.”
“He treats me incredibly well.”
“I don’t want to know what that means, but sure, why wouldn’t he when you make it so easy for him.”
I folded my arms across my chest but didn’t respond. Ben stopped putting his clothes away and faced me.
“You already told him yes, didn’t you?” he asked accusingly.
I couldn’t hide the fact that it was true, so I only shrugged.
“Why’d you even want my opinion then?” he wondered, going back to his laundry.
“I resisted the urge to say yes, but I couldn’t do it any longer. I agreed to it on my way here.”
“Then call him up and tell him you’ve changed your mind.”
“I’m sure he’s already made the plans.”
“Then tell him to tell whomever it is that booked the flight to cancel it. Not a big loss for him, Nova.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“Sure it is. Just send him a text. That is his style, right?”
He gave me a smirk, but I wasn’t amused. Austin was so excited when I said I was coming…
“Well, I hope you’re not disappointed,” he continued. “I guess that’s kind of my ‘I told you so’ in advance.”
I rolled my eyes. “Thanks.”
He smiled and shrugged his shoulders. “I do hope it works out for you, though. I wish you’d take my advice, but I do hope you’re happy.”
“I will be,” I replied arrogantly. But when I left him for my room, I knew I wasn’t sure. I wanted to be confident about it because I knew Austin and I belonged together, but so many things made me question that every day…
I did meet up with Austin in Vegas that weekend. I couldn’t help it and I just had to see him. I knew it was weak of me, but I didn’t feel like playing games with our relationship. I felt that being honest was the best route to go, and I didn’t want to hide the fact that I was completely in love with him and I always would be. Whatever happened, in the end I would know that I had tried my best, no matter how many times I got hurt.
But that seemed to be the revolving door anymore. I left Vegas with a broken heart (again) and even though I was also angry at the same time, I really just felt too wounded to understand my life. Austin and I had a great weekend, and I felt like we fit so naturally together, but why didn’t he see things the same way that I did?
We had a huge fight when I was packing to go home, and even though he always got bent out of shape whenever I wanted to discuss “us,” I just had to do it anyway. It wasn’t fair to me, and I realized that, and I was only letting him take the easy way out.
“What do you mean we’re done?” he asked. He was standing in the middle of the room when I threw my toothbrush into my suitcase.
“I can’t do this anymore, Austin. It’s killing me. And I don’t know if you can see it or not, but I’ve had enough of being your once-a-month girlfriend. I love you, I really do, but until you can value me for more than just a weekend fling, you and I shouldn’t be together anymore. It’s all or nothing at this point and I’m letting you decide.”
“Letting me decide? Looks like you’re the one making the decision.”
“No, I’m finally standing up for myself. And if you care about me at all, you’d realize that this is not a real relationship,” I said, motioning between us. “I’m willing to give you everything I have—everything—and you’re willing to give me two days a month at your own convenience.”
“I thought we agreed to giving each other space?”
“Space? Austin, this isn’t ‘space.’ This is you having things your way. And guess what? I’m not okay with it anymore. I’m tired of being the doormat to your career.”
“Well thanks for the support.”
“I support you!” I shouted with disbelief. “I’ve been willing to do anything to support you!”
“Yeah, on the outside.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means that you say it all—that you support me, and that you understand and all that—but you really don’t. You’ve never wanted me to continue racing, Nova. And I’ve always felt that from you, even when you do encourage me or come to my races. Talk about all or nothing, hypocrite. You say you support me one hundred percent, but I’ve never felt that from you.”
I stared at him with disbelief. For one I was shocked. I most certainly felt like I supported him one hundred percent. No I didn’t like the fact that he raced cars for a living, but I’d learned to accept it. That was part of loving someone for who they were, wasn’t it?
“Austin, I’m sorry you don’t feel like I support you. Racing makes me nervous, but I love you. I’ll take it all, whether it’s comfortable for me or not. I would never take that away from you. And you’ve never even given me a chance to show my support entirely. Instead, you pull us apart and move away on your own—”
“You’d never live in North Carolina,” he scowled.
“That’s not your decision to make. And yes, I certainly would if you had asked.”
He didn’t say anything at all, which led me to believe that he definitely wasn’t going to ask now.
“I need to get going,” I mumbled, shoving the clothing down in my suitcase so I could zip it. “Let me know if you change your mind about us because I love you, and I choose you over anything else.”
I grabbed my bag and headed for the door, but Austin said, “Wait. Nova…”
I turned around to face him and he just stood there.
“I’m not kidding,” I told him
. “It’s all or nothing. I can’t keep doing this to myself.”
“What about school?” was the last thing I expected him to ask.
“What about school?” I frowned. “I’m done in two weeks and then I’ll be living at the ranch full time.”
“So you’re not applying?”
“For vet school? No. And I’ve told you that how many times?”
He didn’t say anything for a while and I was just about to make another attempt for the door.
“You need to apply,” he finally said quietly, sitting down on the bed. He rested his elbows on his knees and sighed. “Please, Nova. Even if you think you’re not going to go, will you just apply? You have to at least know that you got in, okay? Can you please do that?”
I really didn’t understand his obsession with school. I knew that he didn’t want me to sell myself short and he wanted me to keep my options open. But being that he was so adamant about it made me think about the next four years of his future. He didn’t want to get married, and I felt like he was just trying to occupy my time with something else.
“I’ll think about it,” was all I said, and I walked out the door.
Chapter Twenty-Three
The last summer I didn’t get to witness much of horse camp at Harmony Acres. I had been so busy with school and interning that my time at the ranch was pretty used up.
Marlo and Sam ran a few different camps each summer in the mornings for two hours. The second week in July was always Camp Helping Hooves for children with special needs. It was Marlo’s favorite camp, and this year I was privileged to help her out with it. Ben was also an extra hand, and between him and Sam, the week was really memorable. It was hard spending the time with Austin’s family, even though I told myself it shouldn’t be. Maybe that’s why I felt more comfortable around Ben than I did Sami, and besides Jack, he became the closest person to me on the ranch. He was the brother I never had.
“So I was thinking…” Ben said to me as we walked to the guesthouse one Saturday afternoon.
“Uh-oh, scary thought.”
“I know, so you’d better listen carefully.”
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