“I could manage just fine. It just took me by surprise.”
He laughed again and then looked at his dad, whom was still in the room. Heath looked at the both of us, and that’s when I realized what the scene might have looked like to him. Ben was standing there in just a pair of shorts and I was still in just a tank top and boxers. I could feel myself turn about ten degrees warmer once I figured out what he was thinking.
“Uh, he just got here before you did,” I found myself clarifying.
Ben looked at me with confusion and then glanced at his dad, who seemed to be waiting for Ben to agree.
“Pssh, yeah right,” Ben told him, once he realized what his dad was wondering.
Heath just shrugged his shoulders and left the room.
“Did he honestly think…?”
I laughed and said, “I think your dad is worried his kids are sleeping together.” I sat on the bed and shook my head. “I am wide awake now. Wanna play cards?”
“Sure,” he shrugged. “I don’t think I could sleep either. Let me at least put a shirt on,” he winked.
I chuckled as he left the room and grabbed a pack of cards from my bag. When Ben returned, we sat on my bed and started a game.
Chapter Twenty-Four
It had been too long. Way too long. I had always hoped that Austin would miss me enough to call me again, even if it was just to check on me or say hi. He hadn’t since the day I left him in Las Vegas and I was really disappointed. I was also really mad at myself. I had the silly hope that the time apart was what he needed, and that he would realize what he was missing. When that wasn’t the case, I couldn't decide if I was more angry or hurt.
In September I decided to see him. I was going against logical reasoning and went with my heart instead. I left him a short message that said I was thinking about coming to visit and I wondered if that would be okay with him. I was planning to take some time off anyways and decided it might be a good time to see him. Marlo had mentioned he’d be in North Carolina for most of the month until his next race.
I was worried about how I’d left things between us the last time, and I knew that Austin could very well not want anything to do with me again. It was a possibility, even though deep down in my heart I knew it wasn’t true. I knew that he loved me, and whatever was going on with him might not last forever, so I even prayed that his return call would deliver good news.
I was in the barn when he called the next morning. I was elated when I saw his name appear on my phone, and then I became nervous. I took a deep breath before I answered, “Hi, Austin.”
“Hey, Nova,” he replied.
Just hearing his voice gave me tingles.
“I got your message…” he began.
There was an awkward silence and I feared he was thinking of a way to turn me down.
“It was just an idea, Austin. I’m going to be taking some time off and I wanted to see you, but if you don’t want me to, I understand and—”
“I do want to see you,” he said quickly.
“You do?”
“Well, yeah, definitely. When were you thinking?”
“Uh, I was considering around the sixteenth—in a couple weeks. The race is in Charlotte that weekend, so if you go, you won’t be traveling far, right?”
“Yeah, that’s perfect. But… I just…” I could hear him sigh. “I just don’t want you to be disappointed, though…”
Suddenly I was hit with new worries, like he had a girlfriend and that she was living with him or something. I hadn’t thought of that—well, I’d thought of the possibility that he’d have another girlfriend, and if he did, what would that even be like if I came to visit?
“Austin, I realize you have your own life right now and that I’m not a part of it. I don’t expect you to change anything, or go out of your way for me… I’d just like to come for a few days and maybe spend some time with you if I can. If you have someone else then I’ll try not to make it awkward, but I’d just like to see you.”
“Someone else?” he asked. Then he lightly laughed. “Nova, I’m not seeing anybody right now. I told you that I’m not interested in being in a relationship until I feel like I’ve got my feet under me.”
That was at least a relief, but I knew the disappointment he was speaking of had to do with not being in a relationship with me as well.
“I can accept being just friends with you Austin,” I told him. “If that’s what’s worrying you, I promise that I just want to spend some time with you as friends. I don’t feel like we should give up that part of us.”
He paused briefly before he said, “I would love to see you if you can make it out here.”
I was elated and we spent the next few minutes discussing the plans.
Two weeks later I arrived in North Carolina, and Austin himself had arrived at the airport to pick me up. I was waiting for my suitcase at the baggage terminal when someone tapped me on the shoulder. Seeing him standing there didn’t even seem real.
“Hey,” he said.
Holding in your emotions can sometimes be the hardest thing to do, and that moment was no exception for me. I couldn’t do it, and I felt tears slide down my face when he wrapped his arms around me for a hug. We stood there for a long time and I could feel myself holding on to him for dear life. He knew I was crying too, but he chose not to say anything. Finally he seemed to clear his throat when he said, “Uh, that’s your bag, right?”
Without waiting for an answer he moved away from me and grabbed my luggage from the carousel. I could totally tell that our reunion had affected him as well, but he played it off much better than I could, and he motioned with his head for us to leave.
“You look…different,” he said as we walked to his car.
“Do I? In what way?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. Is your hair different?” He reached over and ran his fingers through it. “It’s a little shorter, right?”
“Yeah, I cut it about a month ago. But just a few inches.” It was still past my shoulders, but I guess it was noticeably shorter.
“Hm,” was all he said.
“You don’t like it?”
“What? No, I like it. It looks fine.”
“What does ‘hm’ mean?”
He smiled and shook his head. “It meant nothing.”
“Well if you like it longer I’ll let it grow out again.”
He gave me another smile but shrugged. “I like it just fine. You look beautiful any way you wear your hair. I was only trying to figure out what seemed different about you.”
We reached his car—I guess I wasn’t surprised it was a Lotus—and he stuck my bag in the back hatch. Then he opened the passenger’s door and held it for me as I got in.
“Nice wheels,” I told him.
He smiled as he shut the door and walked around to the driver’s side and sat down. “It’s not mine. I just wanted to impress you.”
“Really?”
“It’s Drake’s car. One of his ‘back burners.’ ”
“Back burners?”
“Yeah, a car he barely drives because he likes his other ones better.”
“Jeez, just tell him you’ll take it off his hands.”
“I did, so now he let’s me drive it.”
We pulled away from the airport and I allowed the silence while Austin navigated through traffic. After a minute he asked, “You hungry? I figured you’d be ready to eat, so I haven’t eaten yet.”
“I’m starving. I’m ready for you to take me to eat some of the good food you’ve been talking about.”
He grinned. “Will do. Where do you want me to start?”
“You can pick. I’m all yours.”
I meant that in more ways than one and I’m sure he knew that.
The next two days with Austin were bittersweet. I enjoyed my time with him, but it was difficult. Difficult in the sense that I could tell we were both uncomfortable being around each other as “friends.” There were so many moments where I had to
catch myself from doing or saying something that would have displayed how close Austin and I once were. I could tell he felt the same way, holding back when he’d normally put an arm around me, or kiss me goodnight.
But the third day… The vibes between us had been way too strong, even when he met me for breakfast at the hotel I’d been staying at. I just knew one of us was going to break the friendship barrier, either by habit or just out of pure weakness. It all started when we left the raceway that afternoon, and as Austin was talking to Drake and a couple of other guys from management, out of habit he slid his arm around my shoulder while we were heading out.
It was kind of interesting because he didn’t even realize it until he stopped talking. He kind of gave me a funny smile as he removed his arm, but I really just wanted that kind of affection from him and I slid my hand into his as we walked to the parking lot.
“Drake thinks the world of you,” I said, mainly to redirect his attention.
He kind of chuckled. “Yeah, he’s probably the only one.”
“What? Why would you say that?”
He barely shrugged. “I just haven’t been very consistent lately. Things haven’t been working for me. Things around here have been a little tense, too.”
“How do you mean?”
He sighed as we approached the car and he turned to face me, dropping my hand in the process. “It’s just been tough. All of it. I feel like I’m working my ass off, but it doesn’t seem to be paying off. I haven’t scored well for two months, and I’ve barely been in the top ten for those two months, as well.”
My first instinct was to say that he couldn’t expect to win them all, but I knew he would say something similar to “winning is the point.”
“Why do you think things have been off for you lately?” I asked instead.
He glanced away from me and I could see the tenseness in his jaw. I guess I kind of assumed it had to do with me, especially because he’d mentioned the past two months and that’s how long it had been since our break up in Las Vegas. I knew that Austin was stubborn—it’s why I told myself to be patient everyday—but what was I supposed to say to him anymore, and how long was I supposed to wait?
“Austin,” I said quietly.
He was sort of looking at the ground, so I stepped closer to him and put my hand against his arm. He briefly looked at me, but I was so lost when it came to figuring him out lately. I wanted to believe that he missed me—that he still loved me and maybe was willing to give it another shot—but something told me that he just wasn’t going to put himself out there. It sort of upset me but I tried to put myself in his shoes. I could understand how pressured he felt, but I really didn’t know what to say or do to help him get through it. And…would he even let me?
But maybe it really was time for me to be a little more assertive, to go for what I wanted for once and not take no for an answer.
“You know one of the things I really love about you?” I finally asked.
He looked at me for a few seconds and shrugged.
“You’re so smart.”
That made him chuckle.
“But,” I said, pausing for effect, “it sometimes works against you.”
He realized I was being serious, so he sombered and leaned against the car to listen.
“You just…over think things sometimes,” I continued. “It’s like you have to put everything into an equation, or place some sort of logical...value or whatever to it all. I know you have a shot at something big right now, and whether or not you’ve been trying to balance out things in your life, you just seem to think that you can only have a part of it and not all of it. I know you want to do well in your career; I know this is what you’ve always wanted but…what makes you think that you can’t be happy with me, too?”
He looked away again, but I waited for a long time until he finally chose to respond.
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” is what he told me.
I tried not to get frustrated with him—surely there was something he could say—but I took a few seconds to keep my thoughts composed, and I said a silent prayer to know what I should say.
Nothing came to me.
We stood there for a bit, and I almost got frustrated with myself because I was about to panic. I felt like it was a crucial moment between the two of us, and how it turned out depended on me.
I went with my instinct and that was to kiss him. I didn’t even question myself on the decision because I knew I wanted to. He didn’t react initially, and I kind of felt like a fool at first, but then he put his arms around me and pulled me closer, putting the passion into it that I desired. Because of how I felt when he kissed me like that, I knew my decision was the right one.
I didn’t even expect a verbal response from him at all, and after our friendly moment naturally came to an end, we both looked at each other for a few seconds and then got into the car.
“So you still okay with the same dinner plans?” he asked after a minute.
It was such an awkward transition and I refrained from smiling. I just replied, “Yep, unless you have something else in mind.”
I kind of left that up for interpretation, but I didn’t give any other indication to its meaning because I busied myself with the music on the radio. When I found something I liked I said, “Me and Autumn saw these guys perform a couple of years ago at the Gibson. It was amazing.”
“Oh, yeah?”
And then we talked about music for a while, something that was safe and comfortable for both of us.
But dinner turned out to be another series of familiar habits with each other. We sat close to one another and flirted with smiles, words, or physical contact. I wasn’t sure where Austin stood but I told myself I was giving up on the whole “friends” idea. I didn’t want that with him, and I didn’t believe he wanted that either. But I was hoping he would at least kiss me again. By the time he took me back to my hotel, I made a deal with myself: if he didn’t make a move, I was going to.
“So…I’ll be by at nine tomorrow?” he asked, opening the car door for me.
I didn’t say anything as I got out, and when he shut the door, we just sort of looked at each other for a few seconds.
Finally I said, “Thank you for dinner.”
He barely nodded as we stared at each other again. I guess I could throw my own words in my face because I stood there reasoning with myself about this or that. I wanted to kiss him again and I decided that that’s what I was going to do. Nova was going to keep getting her way for as long as she could.
This time he welcomed it quicker than before, and as we stood there by the car with each other, everything felt like it had before and I was already convinced that he was mine again.
“Will you come up to my room?” I quietly asked in between kissing him.
He slowed down for a second and then pulled away to study my face. “Nova, I—”
“I want you to stay with me tonight. Please?”
He took a few seconds to think about it while I did my best to speed up his decision.
Without another word he locked the car and followed me inside. We continued to kiss in the elevator, and also as we stopped in front of room 315, and the kissing intensified with the shutting of the door. Things were going great until he suddenly stopped.
“I- I shouldn’t do this,” he exhaled.
I didn’t say anything, hoping he would expound without me betraying my disappointment.
“I don’t know what I’m doing here,” he sighed, turning away from me. “I’m trying to respect your wishes, Nova.”
I thought about that for a moment, understanding what he meant. “I know, and I appreciate that,” I said, stepping closer to him again. “But right now those wishes are kind of a little hard for me to respect. I love you too much.”
He slowly turned around and looked at me for several seconds. I knew I very well couldn’t stand there and tell him that this wasn’t what I had in mind when I came to North Carolina. I
knew I’d be lying. I wasn’t okay with us just being friends and I wanted him to know I still felt that way.
“Nova, I can’t make any guarantees. You broke up with me and I understand why. You were right. What I was doing to you wasn’t fair. And ever since then I’ve known how wrong I was before. It was kind of a wake up call to me, and I completely deserved it.”
“It wasn’t meant to punish you—”
“I know, but I’m a selfish guy, so I’m only thinking about my own broken heart right now.”
I smiled when he did, and just that little moment assured me that everything was going to be okay.
I slid my hands around his neck and stood against him. “I love you, Austin. I always will. But I want you to know that I am one hundred percent committed to you. The circumstances around us don’t matter because I will never change how I feel. I really am sorry if you’ve felt like I haven’t supported you in your career. I guess I thought that I did, but if you feel that I haven’t…I guess I need to work on that. And I want to work on that, just so you know. I can’t stand being apart from you anymore. I want for us to be together again, in whatever capacity you can.”
He was silent at first, softly running his hand through my hair. At last he said, “I doubted myself, Nova. And I doubted us. You were right about that. I just…thought I owed it to myself to give it all I had. Racing. And I thought I could come through my first season strong—establish myself a little—and after that I’d be able to be…more, I guess. I wanted that for you, too. I thought for sure you would go to school, I really did.”
“I told you—”
“I know. You told me you didn’t want to, but I just…I thought maybe you weren’t able to stick to your resolve as well as I could.”
He kind of smiled and it made me laugh. “Definitely not true. My resolve only changed.”
“Yeah, I see that now. Jack told me you applied to a few schools and got into them all, and then you really did choose to not go.”
I shrugged. “I’ve only wanted you. I’m happy with that. I love working for your family and it’s because of you. You gave me that. Being there, with you, is a dream come true.”
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