So I kissed him gently on the corner of his lips, trying so hard not to wake him but secretly hoping I would so that he’d stop me from leaving. I quietly tore my body from his warm embrace and suppressed my regrets just long enough to get dressed and leave the dorm. The entire way home I repeated the mantra in my head that it was all a dream. After all, it sure felt that way. Something as good as him couldn’t possibly have been real.
I told myself it would’ve never worked.
But that didn’t stop me from loving him. Or mourning him. And even though I put on a happy façade while I was with you, Chloe, I thought about him all the time. I had fallen in love in the few hours I spent with him and I missed him terribly. And almost two years later when you said you had met someone named Ryan at a concert, and that he was perfect, it put me on edge. Because the way you described him sounded just like the Ryan that I met in the coffee shop that unforgettable night.
I didn’t want to hear about it, not because I didn’t want you to be happy, but because I didn’t want it to be HIM. I didn’t want you to have what was MINE, even though he was NEVER truly mine and I had no right to feel that way. So I completely avoided it at first and became agitated anytime you tried to bring him up. But I had to know for sure if it was him so I invited him to your birthday dinner.
Seeing him in our house with you…I can’t explain what it did to me except that it CHANGED me. It made me angry. Jealous. Sad. But not once did it ever make me regret my decision to take care of you. I will NEVER regret that Chloe.
I know how cliché it sounds for me to say I never meant for you to get hurt. But it’s true. I hated him for breaking it off with you after your birthday and at the same time I wanted him to do it because I couldn’t bear the thought of him being in my life in that way. As somewhat of a brother-in-law.
I tried like hell to eradicate my feelings for him. And when I couldn’t do that I tried to keep them hidden. But now he knew who I was and he knew where I lived. And he felt the connection we had, too. He wouldn’t let me go this time and part of me didn’t want him to.
You may not want to hear this, but I’ll never deny the love Ryan and I have for each other. It’s a kind of love I never thought existed in real life. It’s the kind of love you only truly see in the movies or read in romance novels. And I honestly thought that love was all we needed to be happy. But I know now that it takes more than love to make a relationship thrive in the long run. And just like the highest skyscraper buildings in the world, for a relationship to grow strong and flourish, it needs a solid foundation. Without that, no matter how strong it is, it’s destined to crumble.
The foundation that Ryan and I had was shit. I lied to him when we first met. And we lied to you, making you think we had never met before, when we realized who we actually were to each other.
The cold-hard reality is that even when you have love, friendship, trust, laughter, compromise, commitment, and all the other wonderful things that make relationships worth having, when a foundation of lies—and guilt—are at the base, it’s like an acid, eroding away everything strong. Offsetting every valuable moment. Neutralizing every success.
Ryan and I tried to recapture that whimsical night. We tried for years and we came close so many times. We desperately wanted to hold on to it. And it took me a while to face reality and realize that we’d never truly reach it again. I know now that too much has happened.
I also know how you feel about me Chloe, and you have every right to feel that way. I know that not only do you not need me anymore, you want nothing to do with me. It’s okay to feel that way and I completely understand. If you ever want to reach out to me I will be there for you, but I’m also aware that it’s highly unlikely you ever will. I have finally come to the point in my life where I have accepted that.
For the first time in my life, I have nobody to focus on but myself. And I’m going to take this time to get away for a while and reflect on the choices I’ve made. I’ll try my best to learn from my mistakes and fall forward into a better future. A future which I hope includes you, but one that I will never try to force you into.
For now, I have decided to sell the house. You’ll get half the money from the sale to do whatever you wish. As for me, I’m going to use it to spend a few months in Europe. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do and now is as good a time as any to do it.
But I want you to have something before I go. Enclosed in this envelope is a pearl necklace that I found while packing up the house. It’s the one Mom wore on her wedding day. It’s the one that I placed around your neck for your first high school dance. And I hope that it will not only make you think of Mom, but also trigger only the good memories that you and I have shared together. I hope that you will someday forgive me for the bad memories that I’ve caused, and cherish the good ones as much as I do.
I am so sorry. For everything. I love you, Chloe. I will always love you. Forever and ever.
XOXO,
Brynn
I took the necklace that my father had given to our mother to wear on their wedding day out of the envelope and bowed my head, squeezing my eyes shut, bringing the pearls to my chest with both hands. I breathed in deep, attempting to calm the wave of emotion that had just struck me. When I finally opened them, and remembered what was on the tiny silver charm attached to the clasp, I sucked in another breath of air and flipped the tiny plate of silver over to see it again for the first time in years. Engraved were the words my dad had given to my mom:
Forever My Love
“FML,” I whispered, tears stinging my eyes, dripping onto the paper below me, smearing the ink. I’m not sure how long I sat there holding my mother’s necklace in my hand, re-reading my sister’s letter over and over again, but when I finally went to bed and drifted to sleep, I did so with the kind of peace in my heart that I hadn’t felt in years.
CHAPTER Fifteen
~Chloe~
I knew what I had to do the moment I woke up. The sun was bright on this crisp morning as I stood on the front porch of my sister’s house, the home I grew up in, staring at the same welcome mat—now tattered and ripped—that I remembered from years ago. Nostalgia percolated within my heart, calming my nerves. Instead of pushing it away, like I had become accustomed to doing, I allowed the memories come back. Only the good ones.
I took a deep breath, and rang the doorbell. A moment later Brynn opened the door in a gray t-shirt and pajama pants, her ice-blue eyes widening at the sight of me.
“Chloe,” she said cautiously. “Um—hi. Please, come in.”
The spring breeze gently lifted the ends of her cherry red hair as she opened the screen door. I wasn’t planning on going inside—didn’t know if I’d be ready for it—but as I glanced past her into the foyer, I noticed the boxes lined up against the wall. She wasn’t kidding about selling the house. It looked like she’d be moving soon. Now might be my only chance to see it one last time.
I stepped in to the foyer, looking around as she closed the front door behind us. Despite the front porch looking the same, everything inside the house had changed completely. The walls had been painted different colors, and the old vinyl and carpeted flooring had been replaced with wood throughout. In taking a glimpse of the living room, I noticed that the wall which separated the kitchen from the living room had been partially torn down, leaving a breakfast bar lined with stools in its place.
“We tried to make it our own,” Brynn explained. “Ryan wanted us to move somewhere else, but I—I just couldn’t do it. So, we did what we could to make this place ours. I just couldn’t give it up.” With pain in her eyes, she added, “I’m so sorry you had to.”
I nodded, appreciating her apology. “Have you sold it yet?”
“No. The paperwork is all ready to go. The realtor is just waiting for me to give him the go. I didn’t feel right putting it up for sale without talking to you first. I’ve been meaning to call you for the last few days…I just haven’t worked up the nerve yet. It’s yours
if you want it, Chloe. This house is just as much yours as it is mine. I’m moving out either way, but I won’t sell it if you don’t want me to.”
“Oh,” I said, surprised that she had thought of me. “Really?”
“Of course.”
I had no idea what to say to that. The thought of moving back here had never been an option before. Having the choice was…nice.
“I know it’s different here,” she said, breaking our uncomfortable silence. “But there’s one thing that hasn’t changed. C’mon. Follow me.”
I trailed behind her as we walked up the stairs. Just like this house, my sister felt comfortably familiar and strangely foreign all at once. I knew her, but I didn’t anymore. Yet despite what happened between us, and regardless of the time we had spent apart, I still felt grateful for her. Thankful for the sacrifices she made for me.
I still loved my sister.
She opened the door to my old bedroom, motioning for me to enter. I flipped on the light switch, a wave of emotion hitting me.
“Oh my God,” I whispered, my trembling hand rising to cover my dropped jaw.
Each of the four walls were shaded in a different color, black, hot pink, white, and turquoise, while each piece of the bedding—the comforter, bed skirt, pillow and sheets—perfectly matched the walls. The black furniture—a desk, bookshelf, and dresser—rested against each wall while a blue beanbag sat in the corner.
It was exactly how I remembered it. Nothing had changed. Memories flooded my thoughts as my gaze shifted from photos of me and my friends, to posters of my favorite rock bands, to books that I had collected from the time I learned to read through to the moment I left home. Even Sunshine, the stuffed dog that had slept with me almost every night of my childhood, remained perched on my bed.
Trying to keep it together, I turned to Brynn. “Uh—I know this is going to sound weird. But—would you mind giving me a minute in here? It’s just been a long time and—”
“Absolutely,” she replied with empathy in her voice…compassion in her eyes. “And it’s not weird at all. Take all the time you need, Chlo, I’ll be downstairs packing.”
After she closed the door, I drifted to the bed, taking Sunshine and squeezing her to my chest, breathing in all the nights I had spent with her in this room. Dropping down onto the bean-bag, I looked around the room like I had done a million times before. Most of the books in the bookcase next to me had been read in this beanbag. I closed my eyes and reached for a book, wondering which one my hand would gravitate to just like I did as a child. I smiled when my eyes opened revealing that I had picked out Flowers in the Attic, a book that I was probably way too young for when I read it.
After paging through it and reading a few passages, I placed it back on the shelf and walked to the corkboard on the wall that most of my personal photos were pinned to. I had lost touch with the friends in the pictures—the people I had felt so close to only a few years ago. As I stared at each photo, I remembered where they were each taken, the relationship I had with each friend, and how I felt the very moment the camera clicked the image.
The longer I thought about it, the more I realized that young blond girl in the picture was a completely different person from the me of now, and the moments in the pictures were from a whole other life. A life that I needed then, but that no longer fit in with the new person I had become.
And it just occurred to me that I didn’t need to. I think for the past few years, I had been wishing that my life could be the way it used to, but deep down I knew it never could. I didn’t know how to thrive with that knowledge, so I did the opposite. I became incapable of moving forward because subconsciously…I didn’t want to.
But I’m ready now.
Because even though the road to the present day had a few potholes—okay, let’s be real, the road had craters the size of football fields—I had somehow become happy. Sure, I still had work to do to get to where I wanted to be—who I want to be—but my life now had become full. Rich. Colorful. And I was excited to see where this new life would take me.
I took the photo in the middle of the board, the one of Mom, Dad, Brynn and me, taken at the Grand Canyon—our very last family vacation—and I tucked it in my back pocket. I walked to the door and took one last look around the room before opening it, turning off the light, and passing through the doorway. Taking a deep breath, I turned around and studied the shadowed space one last time, whispering the single word that lifted a thousand pounds from my heart.
“Goodbye.”
~~~
I found Brynn in the kitchen, taking dishes out of the cupboards and wrapping them in towels before placing them in boxes.
“Hey,” I said, alerting her of my presence.
“Hey Chlo,” she placed a ceramic bowl on the counter and looked at me with a mixture of hope and concern. “Look, everything in that room is yours. You should keep it, just tell me where to send it and I’ll make sure it gets there.”
I shook my head, “It’s okay. You can keep it. Or get rid of it—it doesn’t matter.”
She tilted her head in confusion.
I sighed, “What I mean is…I’ve got everything I need. I didn’t come here for my things. I came here because I got your letter, and I wanted to give you this.”
I reached into my coat and pulled out the menu that Ryan intended to give her the night I ruined his proposal.
She cautiously took it from my hands, staring at the title—Lifetime of Happiness Menu—for several seconds before softly asking, “What is this?”
She opened it, and began reading the words.
I never knew what love was until I met you, Brynn.
She looked up an me, eyes pleading for an explanation.
“Your waitress was supposed to give that to you the night you and Ryan were in the private suite at Luciano’s. Unfortunately, your waitress ended up being me.”
Her eyes glossed over as she began to grasp what I was telling her.
“He was going to ask you to marry him, Brynn,” I continued. “And I ruined it. I’m so, so sorry.”
A tear fell down her cheek as she opened her mouth to say something. But nothing came out.
“You were right when you said in your letter that you hurt me,” I took a deep breath for strength. “It did hurt. For a long time. But I came here today to tell you that if my forgiveness is what you need, then you’ve got it.”
She still couldn’t speak. So I did what came naturally. I reached out and hugged her. And as I held her in my embrace, I whispered, “I forgive you, Brynn. Ryan loves you, and I know you love him, and I don’t want to be the one to stop you from being together.” She sobbed into my shoulder, her body trembling as she released the pain she had held in for so long. I pulled away and took her shoulders in my hands, looking her straight in the eyes. “You deserve happiness, do you hear me? It’s okay to be happy, Brynn. It’s okay to love him and it’s okay to let him love you. Stop worrying about me, okay? I’m not your responsibility anymore. The only thing I want for you is to just. Be. Happy.”
Through her tears, she nodded, letting me know that she heard me. Letting me know that she understood. With one last hug, I confessed, “I love you, sis.”
Her reply came instantly, “I love you so much, Chlo.”
Chapter Sixteen
~Chloe~
Three Months Later
The black crop halter top sundress with butterfly polka dots that I decided to wear to the airport today was probably a bit much. As I eyed the rest of the people around me, mostly in sweats, I wished I would’ve dressed down. But the moment I saw Matt walking toward me from the far end of concourse D with a duffel bag in his hand, my insecurity disappeared. Because the moment he saw me, stopping briefly to take me in, an appreciative grin resulting from his assessment, I was glad I had worn it.
He didn’t look so bad either in his jeans and black t-shirt. Was that my mouth salivating? Yep. Sure was. God, this man did things to me. The seconds it took for him
to walk the passageway to get to me seemed like days. I couldn’t wait to get my hands on him.
When he finally reached me, however, we didn’t claw at each other like animals. He didn’t lift me into his arms. And I didn’t throw myself at him.
Instead, we just stared at each other, cherishing the moment, grinning like fools. Our wait was finally over. Our distance had been closed. Our time apart had come to an end. We could start our future together.
It didn’t take long for our bodies to gravitate closer. He dropped his bag to the floor, and brushed my hair behind my ear, letting his fingers trail down my jaw.
“You’re killing me in that dress, Pink.” Taking the freshly colored ends of my hair in his fingers, he clarified, “or should I say…Blue?”
I placed my hands on his waist, bringing myself closer. “Do you like it?”
“I’d like anything on you,” our bodies were touching now, his fingers combing through my hair, my palms moving slowly up his back. He pulled me into an embrace, and let out a sigh that overflowed with relief. My cheek rested on his chest, the sound of his heartbeat in my ear bringing so much peace and warmth that I just wanted to stay there forever.
“I fucking missed you, Chloe,” he said, kissing me on the top of the head.
“I missed you too,” I echoed, looking up at him.
He leaned in, and I stood on my toes, our lips meeting in the middle. The world faded away and it was just the two of us, not lost in each other, but finding peace, love, and acceptance in each other, and bringing forward the best parts of ourselves so that we could thrive…together.
He smiled against my lips, “I’ll never get enough of you.”
“You’d better not,” I replied, bringing my heels back down to the floor. I took his hand in mine, lacing our fingers. Through the corner of my eye, I noticed someone standing close to us. Someone who was…staring at us?
The Fragile Line: Part Three (The Fine Line #4) Page 9