‘Are you deaf? Didn’t you hear that I just asked you something?’ Sameer raised his voice.
‘I am God and I don’t need keys to enter anyone’s home,’ I replied calmly.
Sameer was shocked, rather amused, and scanned me top to bottom while paying special attention to my clothes.
‘God and you?’ Sameer started laughing but still kept himself in control for any eventuality.
‘Don’t go on my size or the clothes I am wearing. These silly TV serials are still feeding you people with our centuries-old image,’ I explained.
Sameer controlled his laughter.
‘See, we too have advanced like humans,’ I pointed at my gadgets and clothes.
‘So you mean you are THE GOD?’ Sameer inquired, still in disbelief.
‘Well yes. One of the gods,’ I replied.
‘Okay, then why don’t you make yourself disappear?’ Sameer spoke thinking he had called my bluff.
I disappeared even before Sameer could complete the sentence. Sameer couldn’t believe his eyes and rubbed them with the back of his hands. After a few minutes he hit the back of his head with his right hand.
‘Silly me, what the heck am I seeing? No one was here,’ Sameer shook his head and smiled at himself.
Right then I appeared again, leaving him more open-mouthed than before.
‘What? Cat got your tongue, buddy?’
‘No…I mean yes,’ Sameer stuttered.
‘Do you believe me now or want some more proof?’
‘Somewhat but still not sure why you have come to earth and what you want from me,’ he said.
‘Nothing, I want nothing from you.’
‘So you have come for time pass thinking my home to be a palace of some goddess or what?’
‘I have come to help you,’ I replied calmly.
Sameer took a while to think what he should be saying next. And then he moved closer to me with a menacing look.
‘Get up from the chair and leave my home immediately,’ he ordered, swinging the knife.
I was taken aback.
‘Now I am sure you are some magician who has been sent by my friends to fool me on April Fool’s day…Oye Jimmy, I know you are hiding somewhere, come out otherwise I am going to hurt your so-called God,’ Sameer spoke with anger.
‘Why don’t you believe me, buddy?’
‘Because I have no reason to do so.’
‘And why not?’
‘Why would THE GOD come to help an atheist like me?’
‘Atheist?????’ I was shocked to hear this from Sameer.
‘Yes, atheist,’ Sameer emphasised.
‘But you are my biggest follower,’ I answered.
‘Me and your biggest follower? Are you on dope or something?’
I was still unable to understand Sameer.
‘Forget about praying at a temple, I don’t even take the route which has a temple in it,’ Sameer explained the extent of his disbelief.
‘You don’t need to go to a temple to be my biggest follower.’
Sameer wasn’t convinced.
‘Haven’t you helped hundreds of people in need, without any greed or personal benefits?’
Sameer shook his head in disbelief.
‘What more do I want from my followers?’
‘But I am still not sure.’
‘About what?’
‘Why me?’
‘Just look at yourself,’ I continued.
Sameer childishly looked at himself in the full-size mirror.
‘What has happened to me? I am fit and fine.’
‘Are you sure about that?’ I queried.
‘Yeah, I am pretty sure,’ Sameer’s facial expressions belied his voice.
‘Do you even realise how much you have changed after placing that silly bet of yours with your friend Jimmy?’ My pertinent question had an answer in it.
Sameer kept looking at me.
‘Forget about helping others, you are not even helping yourself. In fact you have been harming yourself.’
Sameer nodded in agreement.
‘That’s quite true but how can you help me?’
‘By finding your Ideal Wife, silly you.’
‘Finding my Ideal Wife?’
‘Why not?’
‘You must be joking, right?’ Sameer winked at me.
‘You don’t believe me, do you?’
‘Nope.’
‘I promise you that I will find the Ideal Wife for you,’ I replied in a flash without considering the consequences.
‘Pakka?’ Sameer poked again.
‘Pakka kya aur kaccha kya, don’t compare us with humans, for us a promise means a promise,’ I took charge of the situation.
‘Okay, I was just testing that you won’t change your mind later,’ Sameer clarified.
I gave Sameer a ‘whatever’ kind of look.
‘Wait a minute,’ Sameer walked towards his bed and took out a piece of paper from under the pillow. He handed it to me. I opened it and it rolled down like a toilet paper roll.
‘What’s this?’ I just couldn’t believe my eyes seeing such a big list.
‘List of qualities of my ideal wife,’ Sameer spoke like a child.
‘What? Are you crazy?’ I replied in shock.
‘I just knew it! I am THE GOD…promise is promise…all that bullshit; you can’t do a damn thing, just return my list.’
Sameer tried to snatch the list but I thwarted his attempt.
‘Wait, wait, let me think of something,’ I tried to calm Sameer down.
We walked out of the bedroom to the living room and started strolling within the apartment. After a few minutes, I had a huge smile on my face and took out my hPhone from the side pocket of my cargo shorts. Sameer was amazed to see the unique looking cellphone.
‘Don’t be so amused, this is my Swarg hPhone, a Steve Jobs special. I am going to speak with my Deputy, Chitti in Heaven on the hotline,’ I clarified and dialled a number.
Now Chitti was by no means an influence of Rajnikant. He was called that just because he was that fair!
He answered my call immediately. Chitti was a tech-savvy young guy and was testing some new software on his laptop. After the usual greetings, I started narrating the list to him. Since the list was quite long, Sameer decided to leave me alone.
After entering the data in Human Creation Software in his laptop for more than five minutes Chitti got fed up.
‘Sir, can you please transfer the list directly into the Human Creation Software?’ he suggested cautiously.
‘Sure but you know I am still learning the tricks of this trade, please help me out,’ I requested with some softness in my voice.
‘Sure sir, please run the screen of your Swarg hPhone over the list very slowly and I will take care of the rest,’ Chitti advised calmly though keeping his fingers crossed for the proper transfer of data; which, for some reason, he highly doubted.
I did exactly what he suggested while he pressed a button on his laptop after receiving a pop-up window and bingo the list got transferred to the Human Creation Software directly.
‘He is quite a fast learner. I think I need to clear my preconceived notions about his abilities,’ Chitti murmured, admiring me.
While Chitti was busy running the software in heaven, Sameer entered the living room with two mugs of coffee. One of the mugs had a Lord Krishna picture on it whereas the other had a sexy lady image. Sameer offered the Lord Krishna mug to me. I smiled, grabbed the other mug and winked at Sameer.
‘You enjoy your coffee in the mug gifted by your mother, I will thank Jimmy for this,’ I said, toasting with the hot siren mug. Sameer also smiled and took a sip from his mug. We started discussing some of the important qualities of his Ideal Wife. I was astonished to hear Sameer’s logic behind seeking those qualities.
In the meantime, my guy in heaven finished the search on his laptop and it showed a message — ‘Have you gone mad?’ He smiled and shook his head and murmured, ‘Humans will always rema
in humans, never satisfied with what they have, always looking for something better.’
‘Sir, there is no match, why don’t you ask Sameer to reduce the number of the qualities?’ He said over the phone.
I was too busy enjoying the coffee.
‘Wow, amazing taste, we surely need this in heaven.’
‘This is what you get at Costa Coffee,’ Sameer replied.
‘Can we get its franchise up there?’ I joked.
‘Sir, I am still holding,’ my man Friday reminded me with mock patience.
‘Oh I am sorry, what did you say?’
‘There is no match sir; can you please ask Sameer to reduce the number of qualities?’ Chitti repeated.
From my cloud of utter coffee bliss, I saw Sameer looking anxiously at me.
‘Why don’t you try again? Sameer has made me extremely happy with this coffee,’ I replied, raising the mug.
Chitti shook his head in disbelief but couldn’t do anything and went ahead with what was asked of him. Sameer loved the way I was trying to help him out.
As soon as the software finished the search, another message popped up on my man’s laptop screen. ‘You have surely gone mad, please see the doctor.’ Chitti couldn’t help but laugh at himself.
‘Sir, I am sorry it’s the same result. Please ask Sameer to reduce the number.’ This time he was firm.
‘No luck man, can you please reduce the number of qualities?’ I spoke with an easy tone while taking another sip of the coffee.
‘I’m not going to settle with some stripped down version…you are THE GOD…do something,’ Sameer replied.
Sameer’s reply shook me from inside. I took some time to compose myself and then finished my coffee.
‘Look, please understand we have never created a girl with the kind of qualities you are looking for. So it’s not possible for me to help you out here,’ I tried to reason with Sameer.
‘As if I care, you just said a promise is a promise. What happened to that?’
I just kept looking at him.
‘Okay, if you haven’t created that kind of a girl till now then just create one for me,’ proving Adamancy Thy Name is Sameer.
‘What have I done?’ I muttered.
I spoke to Chitti again.
‘Do something man, I am in a real mess here.’
‘Sir, my hands are tied, I can’t go beyond the software and I am not sure if anyone can really do that,’ he explained with such abject helplessness that I began to panic.
At that moment I got an emergency message on my hPhone. It was a grave emergency and I had no choice but to rush back.
‘Sameer, I have to leave now,’ I spoke hurriedly.
‘What? You kidding? What happened to your promise?’ Sameer was going crazy too now.
‘Kya promise ko pakad ke baitha hai? I am dead if I don’t return immediately,’ I replied helplessly.
‘I knew it’s all a lie,’ Sameer lamented.
‘I said I would get you what you want. Right now I have to leave as I have got an emergency message from Bhagwaan Dada – he is our top god, boss god, whatever you please.’
Sameer kept looking with a sad face.
‘Please understand I am dead if I don’t go back at once. I promise I will come back soon to fulfill my promise,’ I explained the emergency.
‘Okay, I have seen people breaking their promises; let’s see how God keeps his promise,’ Sameer poked me again.
I thanked Sameer and disappeared.
5
Helping hand needs help
Ilanded near the gates of heaven, hidden behind a spellbinding, totally gigantic waterfall. It was flowing at an extraordinary speed, dropping sharply from a very high altitude.
I put my right palm on a big rock near the waterfall; the LED light appeared on the waterfall and welcomed me after authenticating my image. I then stood right in the middle of the cascades, looking up. The water fell on my eyes and the same liquid was then collected and analysed by a machine connected to the waterfall. After the second authentication, the waterfall parted only enough to allow passage.
As soon as I entered heaven, everyone started laughing at me. I wasn’t sure why. I grabbed my vayumobile parked near the gate and proceeded further.
As I passed through the outskirts and entered the main city, a bright white light illuminated me from the top and created a special aeropath for me. It was marked with green lights on both sides. All other vayumobiles were barred from entering this special path so I could reach my destination quickly.
Flying full speed for about five minutes through hundreds of skyscrapers, I reached my destination, a wide glass structure in the middle of a small lake within the main city. I alighted from my vayumobile and stepped onto a conveyor belt, which took me inside the structure. LED screens installed on both sides of the conveyor showed my vital statistics (heart rate, blood pressure, etc.). They were jumping erratically like a crazy rubber ball.
The conveyor belt took me straight into a big hall, just like a big conference hall in any corporation. It had a big rectangular but invisible table made up of special glass. Bhagwaan Dada was sitting on a chair at one end of the table in the centre whereas the other gods were sitting on chairs placed on either side of him on the long table. Many God Aspirants were standing behind their favourite gods.
I went ahead and took the empty chair on the long table right opposite Bhagwaan Dada. He looked quite angry.
‘Where were you?’ His heavy voice created a chill in the room.
I didn’t reply and kept my eyes glued to the floor.
‘Did you hear what I just asked?’ his voice became even heavier.
‘Jee jee……,’ I stuttered.
‘What is this jee jee? Answer him; where were you?’ another god questioned.
‘I had gone to Mrityulok,’ the barely audible softness in my voice was enough to tell anyone that I was shit scared.
‘For what?’
‘To meet my biggest follower,’ I explained.
‘And what did you do there?’ Bombardment from another quarter continued.
I remained silent, still staring at the floor.
‘ Tumne suna nahin humne kya puchha?’ Bhagwaan Dada intervened like Gabbar Singh in Sholay.
‘I met him and…’ I was so scared that I couldn’t complete my sentence.
‘And what?’ This one came from another angry god.
I remained silent.
‘How can he even dare speak a word now? He only likes to showoff!’
‘What do you mean?’ Bhagwaan Dada asked.
‘You have given him such liberties. You made your driver a god despite our protests and now within a day of him becoming a god he has done something to shame us all,’ another god explained.
‘Will you guys stop this nonsense and just say what exactly happened in Mrityulok?’ Bhagwaan Dada finally lost his patience.
‘Please look at the projector screen.’
Everyone turned towards the big digital projector screen. A film started running, showing what exactly had transpired between Sameer and me in Mrityulok.
With each passing minute everyone started getting angry. Bhagwaan Dada completely lost his cool, seeing how I was enjoying coffee and that too from a mug with a sexy woman image on it.
The moment the film finished, all heads turned towards me. I really crapped in my pants then.
‘So you want a franchise of Costa Coffee?’ Bhagwaan Dada roared.
I had no choice but to stay quiet.
‘I think we should open a Costa Coffee chain here and he should be made the manager,’ a God aspirant (who lost out narrowly to me) poked his nose.
‘I was just joking with him,’ I tried to handle the situation.
‘Oh my, oh my, oh my! How could you ever do something so crass!’ another god added. There was a decidedly feminine flick of his hand as he said this, and I couldn’t help but smirk at that.
‘I haven’t done anything wrong. I have just
promised him an ideal wife,’ I clarified, not quite understanding their beef with me; and to top that I had to keep a straight face at the rather effeminate prude.
‘That’s exactly what we’ve been trying to unearth for centuries! We haven’t found ideal wife material even for ourselves yet and you acted like a Danveer Karna and went ahead to promise one to a mere mortal!’
On hearing this everyone present in the conference room started laughing. At that moment, Chitti, carrying his laptop, entered.
‘Did you find any match for his promise?’ one of the gods inquired.
Chitti remained silent.
‘Jaisa boss, waisa chela. Didn’t you hear what we just asked?’ Bhagwaan Dada raised his voice.
‘No, there is no match sir,’ Chitti replied hesitantly.
‘Suna? There is no match. He has made us look like a fool in front of a human,’ another god took a shot.
‘It’s nothing like that. I just need one chance to fulfill my promise,’ I replied.
‘It’s not like you have a choice in the matter,’ Bhagwaan Dada interrupted sternly.
Everyone turned towards Bhagwaan Dada, expecting some more fireworks from him.
‘You will have to go to Mrityulok, and not as a god but human,’ he ordered.
‘Jee, woh main……,’ I still tried to make my point, feeling much like Saif Ali Khan trying to make a point to his nag of a girlfriend in Dil Chahta Hai.
‘I haven’t finished yet,’ Bhagwaan Dada raised his voice.
I was petrified.
‘You won’t have any god powers either.’
I could not believe my ears. Why was this happening to me?
‘You can come back to heaven only once for two weeks to recharge your energies. This punishment will continue till you find an ideal wife for Sameer.’
After hearing the punishment everyone in the room was ecstatic whereas I was in a state of shock. I ran towards Bhagwaan Dada and pleaded with him for forgiveness. Frankly, I think the great Lord Oh God should have melted at my flawless imitation of the Nirupa Roy style…Hey Bhagwaan tu kahan hai? But Bhagwaan Dada was extremely angry with himself; no doubt wishing he had listened to the advice of the other gods before promoting me from the post of his driver to a god. I knew he still loved me so, after lot of persuasion, he relented a little and granted me one power.
An Ideal Wife Page 4