An Ideal Wife

by Sanjay Grover

  ‘I think you have a point there but please give me some time to think,’ she continued.

  I didn’t want to let go the golden opportunity so without wasting any time I made my final assault.

  ‘I am sorry. I have a gun to my head. I have to leave for Mrityulok tomorrow.’ I showed great haste and urgency. Though I still had some time on hand, I didn’t really want to give her any time to reconsider or worse still, seek advice from one of the goddesses.

  The apsara thought for a minute and realized that she had no other option left.

  ‘Okay, I am ready.’

  ‘Don’t worry; you’ve made the right choice,’ I seconded her decision to make her comfortable.

  She felt relaxed after the reassurance.

  ‘But I hope you know that once you reach Mrityulok you won’t remember that you are an apsara and you won’t have any divine powers left,’ I explained.

  ‘Yeah I do, and also that I won’t be able to come back till I spend one life in Mrityulok and that too as a normal human.’

  ‘Okay, then meet me near the Human Creation Room tomorrow morning at 7am.’

  ‘Human Creation Room? But why?’

  I smiled and took out a paper roll from the back pocket of my trendy jeans.

  ‘I need to add many qualities in you,’ I said flashing the paper roll.

  This confused her even further.

  ‘No one fits as his Ideal Wife, not even any goddess or apsara.’

  We both started laughing seeing such a big list and after a few minutes I left without being discovered.

  Next morning at 7am, I met the apsara near the Human Creation Room. The Human Creation Room was like a giant box with a long conveyor belt passing through it. There were many electronic panels fitted on the box, which I had to adjust to add the desired qualities to the apsara.

  I smiled thinking what Sameer had said to me. ‘If you haven’t created that kind of a girl till now then just create one for me.’

  ‘What happened?’ the apsara inquired, seeing me smile.

  ‘Nothing, now we’re ready to roll. Please step on to the conveyor belt.’

  The apsara quietly followed my instructions and stood on the conveyor belt from the right side of the giant box. I made some adjustments in the panels and pushed the start button. The conveyor belt started moving very slowly and after a minute, the apsara went inside the Human Creation Room. I made a few more changes on the panel while she was still inside the giant box. And soon she came out of the other side of the giant box with all the qualities as desired by Sameer.

  I was elated to see her emerge.

  ‘Here I present to the world, the first MADE-TO-ORDER wife.’ I said a tad arrogantly.

  ‘Are you sure you programmed it correctly?’ the naïve creature asked.

  ‘Don’t worry dear, apart from your life, my life too is at stake… So I practised programming it throughout the night,’ I took off my sunglasses and showed her my swollen, sleep-deprived, red-rimmed eyes.

  She was quite satisfied, realising the efforts I had put in to make sure everything goes smoothly.

  ‘Shall we leave for Mrityulok?’ I asked.

  ‘Where am I going to stay in Mrityulok?’

  ‘You just don’t worry. I will take care of everything. Not only about your stay but also about your profession,’ I replied with confidence.

  ‘Profession?’

  ‘Just wait and watch,’ I smiled.

  8

  Introducing the

  apsara to sameer

  Sitting in his office, Sameer was quite restless and unable to concentrate on his work. He would look at his watch every few minutes; I was, after all, to return today.

  Unable to handle the anxiety any longer, he left office and drove at a callous speed, blindly rushing home. He was in such a tearing hurry that he didn’t even bother to reply to the greetings of people living in his apartment complex. He entered his apartment ready to welcome me with a smile on his face but was thoroughly dejected on not finding me there.

  Hours ticked by, slow and steady, and Sameer was anxious enough to jump off the balcony. That way he would perhaps meet god, he thought.

  ‘Where the heck is he? Two weeks are almost over,’ Sameer muttered as he speed-walked, literally wearing off the floor tiles in the balcony.

  After sometime, he came inside the living room and switched on the TV. It was playing a song ‘Der Na Ho Jaye Kahin Der Na Ho Jaye’ from the Bollywood film ‘Heena’. The song only served to drive him over the bend, and rushing out the way he leaned over the balcony wall, it seemed he was going to take the plunge. But he stopped, just in time and let out a loud frustrated yell! The entire apartment complex resounded with his vocal stamp.

  ‘De diya na dokha! What were you saying?…Promise means promise!’

  Sameer looked at his watch again.

  ‘There you go! Your time is now officially up!’ Sameer was frothing at the mouth like an angry bull.

  ‘Not yet; we still have a couple of minutes left dost,’ I said as I walked through the door of Sameer’s house.

  He was a completely transformed being the second he laid eyes on me. I could see that but Sameer being Sameer, he decided to play hardball with me.

  ‘Kahan mar gaya thha?’ he burst.

  I just smiled at him not wanting to say a word till I could give him my brilliant news. But dear Sameer would have none of that.

  ‘Looking quite relaxed…Have you found some apsara or something?’ he went on goading me.

  My jaws dropped in utter shock.

  ‘How the heck does this mere earthly being know my secret? He must have some radically advanced spyware!’

  ‘Did you say something?’ Sameer questioned.

  ‘What did you hear?’ I asked curiously.

  ‘What? Why are you wasting time? Tell me did you find any solution?’

  I heaved in relief and murmured to myself again.

  ‘I just got scared for no reason; he has no clue about the apsara.’

  ‘Are you okay? What have they done to you up there? You just smile mysteriously and talk to yourself now!’

  I smiled once again.

  ‘Go and get your laptop,’ I said.

  ‘Laptop?’

  ‘Don’t waste time, do as I say.’

  Sameer shook his head and left. I decided to unwind with a bottle of wine. As I took a sip, Sameer came back with his laptop in his hands.

  ‘Wow, someone is in a great mood today.’

  ‘Yep, I have found an awesome solution to your problem,’ I replied and motioned to him to sit next to me on the couch.

  I took the laptop from him and put it down on the center table placed in front of the couch. I connected the laptop to the Wi-fi network and typed www.shaadi.com in the browser. Sameer couldn’t understand what a god would want with mortal human Internet. Without wasting any time I started making a profile for Sameer on the website.

  ‘What are you doing?’ shocked, Sameer asked.

  ‘Only this website can get you your Ideal Wife.’

  ‘Are you crazy?’

  ‘Give me your digital photograph for the website.’

  ‘Please stop this nonsense. I am not going to meet any girl through this website.’

  ‘Dude, at least take a look at this website.’

  ‘It’s for losers.’

  I just could never understand this misconception people have about matrimonial websites. The so-called highflying educated young lot had completely lost faith in the age-old arranged marriage system. But heck it works! And it works brilliantly. We gods have used it like a million times to get together the people who are meant to be together. Don’t forget humans, even your so-called love matches are actually very much arranged in heaven!

  Sameer had left the room but I somehow dragged him back to the couch. He had no option but to go through the website. He was quite impressed to see the details one could look into while searching for his/her ideal match.

&
nbsp; ‘Quite impressive. Detailing is pretty good along with an awesome search engine but I am sorry it’s not for me.’

  ‘At least give it a try.’ I cajoled him.

  ‘Nope, I am not even remotely interested and nothing can change my mind so don’t even try,’ he reaffirmed and switched off his laptop.

  I was a little dejected with Sameer’s reaction to my proposal.

  ‘Looks like you have no choice but to get me an apsara only now,’ he winked at me and looked at his watch.

  ‘I think it’s quite late. I have an early morning meeting. Good night,’ and with that he got up from the couch and walked towards his room without even waiting for my reply.

  I just kept looking at him leave the room. Now if a man is so thickheaded, even shaadi.com and god can’t help him. But I was not ready to give up yet.

  ‘No problem buddy, I have another foolproof plan. Let’s see how you save yourself from that? Just wait and watch,’ I murmured and took another sip of the wine.

  Next morning, the apsara whom I’d now christened Payal, reached a top-modelling agency, located on Linking Road at Khar (West). She was dressed to kill in a sexy blood red dress. Her long straight black hair, white smooth skin, hazel green almond-shaped eyes, and delicately shaped nose were a sight straight from heaven (quite literally). Her good height along with perfectly carved out body at right places made her more attractive. The awestruck doorman at the agency forgot to open the door. She smiled at him, gently opened the door herself and entered the premises.

  Her beauty preceded her appearance and the appreciation of her beauty passed like a baton from one person’s eyes to another. She just kept replying to those eyes with a smile on her face till she reached the reception area. The receptionist, busy doing some paperwork, didn’t pay any attention to the new visitor.

  She looked around the elegantly designed reception area where pictures of many of the top models of the country adorned the walls. She looked at the receptionist again but found her busy working on her desktop.

  ‘Excuse me,’ Payal said gently.

  ‘Yes,’ the receptionist spoke without even looking up.

  ‘I want to become a model with your agency.’

  ‘Everyone wants to do that here. Have you done some modelling before?’

  ‘No, but I think I can do it.’

  ‘I hear this all day, tell me something new.’

  ‘At least give me a chance.’

  ‘I hear that too but I know you won’t budge, so give me your portfolio.’

  ‘I don’t have any.’

  ‘Are you crazy? Why do you guys even waste your time in this industry? What do you expect someone here is just waiting for you?’

  With these words, the receptionist looked up, only to be silenced into utter amazement at what she saw before her eyes. Payal just smiled back like the angel, err apsara, she was.

  Without another word, the receptionist handed Payal a registration form. As Payal stood at the reception counter filling up the form, a tall lanky fellow in tight blue jeans and green t-shirt entered.

  ‘Good morning, sir,’ the receptionist spoke as she rose from her seat.

  ‘Good morning, please be seated.’

  One look at Payal and he was floored.

  ‘You don’t need to fill this form.’

  Payal stopped filling the form and looked at him.

  ‘Can you please come with me?’ the man continued.

  Unsure of the man’s identity, Payal eyes quizzed the receptionist.

  ‘He is the boss of this agency,’ the girl clarified.

  Payal smiled at him.

  ‘Shall we?’

  Boss showed the way and Payal followed him.

  Payal’s professionalism and charming personality turned out to be the biggest boon in her career. Within a short span of time she became an extremely popular name in the fashion world. Every fashion designer in India wanted her to be the showstopper of his/her shows. Corporates were also going crazy over her and she signed brand endorsement deals with many top-notch companies. She also got many offers to act in films but she rejected all of them.

  As her career graph soared, Sameer also started noticing her but couldn’t find an opportunity to meet her. He tried to cast her for many advertisements for his agency but somehow it never materialised. He even tried to meet her personally by visiting few fashion shows and advertisement shoots but no luck there either.

  As time progressed his liking for Payal became an obsession. For the first time in his life he was longing for someone so badly that he started seeing her wherever he went. He found himself wooing her in his dreams.

  One day I noticed that Sameer, while enjoying his beer, was completely engrossed in admiring Payal’s photos on the Internet so much so that he didn’t even notice my presence. The sight brought a sweet but cunning smile to my face.

  ‘What are you doing?’ I asked as I sat next to him on the couch.

  ‘She is stunningly beautiful, isn’t she?’ Sameer showed some of Payal’s photos to me.

  ‘I know, I created her,’ I spoke without realising its consequences.

  ‘What? What do you mean?’

  ‘Nothing, I was just pulling your leg,’ I said to control the damage.

  ‘But man, I must say she is gorgeous.’

  ‘Wanna meet her?’

  ‘I am trying to do that for last few weeks but no success,’ Sameer lamented.

  ‘I can help you there,’ I threw the bait.

  ‘Kyon phenk raha hai? Joking again, right?’

  ‘Have I ever joked before?’ I winked at him.

  ‘You just did that a minute ago.’

  ‘Okay, your wish,’ I got up and pretended to leave.

  ‘Wait wait, you can’t just leave me like this.’

  ‘You don’t even believe me then what’s the point to continue?’

  ‘Okay I am sorry; tell me when and where can I meet her?’

  ‘Right here, right now.’

  ‘ Tu phir chalu ho gaya phenkoo.’

  I smiled, picked up Sameer’s laptop and sat on the couch again. I logged on to www.shaadi.com. You see, just like god, shaadi.com never gives up on you!

  ‘Not again,’ Sameer spoke in disbelief.

  I smiled again, opened Payal’s profile and turned the laptop towards Sameer.

  ‘Here you go.’

  Sameer just could not believe his eyes after seeing Payal’s profile on www.shaadi.com and he rubbed them with his hands many times.

  ‘Don’t tell me!!! Every man in this country is dying to marry her and she is looking for her soul mate through a matrimonial website?’

  ‘You still don’t want to create your profile here, right?’ I questioned him even though I knew the answer.

  Sameer didn’t even respond and snatched his laptop from my hand and started creating his profile.

  I was amazed to see the speed at which he went about the job. I quickly grabbed a beer for Sameer and a glass of wine for myself.

  On my return I found that Sameer was still working on the data entry. I quietly put the Amstel Light pint on the centre table. Sameer took a quick sip from it and again got busy in garnishing his profile. Sameer inputted the minutest of the detail possible so as to create a favourable first impression.

  ‘Would she respond to my connect interest?’ Sameer inquired, as he was about to send the invitation to Payal.

  ‘There is only one way to find out,’ I smiled.

  Sameer smiled back and hit the send button. He kept looking at the screen in a freeze-frame manner. I knew Sameer would be interested in meeting Payal but I was pleasantly surprised at Sameer’s response. I could easily sense that my days in Mrityulok were numbered.

  After staying there for a few more minutes, I decided to leave Sameer alone so I went to another room with a huge smile on my face, thinking that the fish was about to get caught in my meticulously woven net.

  In anticipation of her response Sameer couldn’t sleep t
he whole night and kept strolling in his house gulping as many as a dozen pints. On the other hand, I was sleeping like a baby after spending many sleepless nights due to the promise.

  Sameer was so anxious even in the morning that he carried his iPhone to the bathroom. While taking a shower he was elated to see an email from the matrimonial website informing him that Payal has accepted his invitation. Over enthused, he barged out of the bathroom without clothes and started dancing.

  ‘She replied, she replied,’ and started singing ‘Aaj Mein Upar Aasman Neeche, Aaj Mein Aage Zamana Hai Pichhe.’

  I came out of the room hearing Sameer’s jubilant voice, but quite unprepared for the naked dance.

  ‘Sameer! Sameer!’ I shouted.

  Sameer just kept dancing. I shouted his name again.

  ‘What?’ Sameer replied but kept dancing.

  He paid no attention to me or my shouting.

  After a while, he announced, ‘You know, she replied.’

  I didn’t say anything.

  ‘By the way, why were you shouting ‘Sameer Sameer’? Aisee kya aag lagi hai.’

  I shook my head in disbelief and moved away on one side revealing a full-size mirror right behind me. Sameer eyes popped out after seeing himself completely naked in the mirror.

  ‘What? Kya hai aisa mere pass jo tere pass nahin hai?’ Sameer immediately covered his embarrassment and slowly walked back to the bathroom.

  I smiled, shook my head once again and went back to my nap.

  Sameer, this time with a towel wrapped around his waist, came back to the living room and immediately logged on to www.shaadi.com. To his surprise, he found Payal was online too. They both started chatting through Shaadi chat. Half an hour later, Sameer ran to my room and kissed me on my cheeks.

  ‘What an Idea Paaji, awesome…Payal and I just chatted for some time and we have decided to meet this Sunday,’ Sameer shouted throwing me off the bed.

  9

  Courtship and marriage

  Sameer scored a boundary on the first ball of the match. The minute he knew Payal was an outdoorsy person, he proposed Della Adventure, an adventure park, at Lonavala (about 90 km from Mumbai on the way to Pune) for their first date. Way to go, homeboy!