Swinging his legs off the cot, he pushed to his feet and stretched. Kira had said she wanted to monitor him the next time he went under, and the way things had gone down, it was probably a good idea.
He’d been deep in the network of ebbing and flowing energy and knowledge, not realizing he’d almost disconnected from the anchor of his body. He’d waded through a lot of information, including snatches of the hybrid breeding experiments, the Reidar’s plan for the galaxy and human race, plus bits and pieces about Sherron’s time in Reidar custody. And while he’d found confirmation of where Baden Niels planned on taking the abducted pair, he’d still been searching for an answer to why and where they were, exactly, when he’d heard Kira’s voice.
At first, it’d been like a distant echo, but it had tethered him as surely as a safety line on a spacewalk, drawing him in and bringing him back to solid ground, just like it had in those hazy days after he’d first been hit with the stunner. If not for her, he might not have come out of it before his body hit critical mass or before he became lost to the darkness.
When he stepped into the common room, he found only Kira and Nyah, the others nowhere to be seen, though a drift of voices came from the bridge.
“You’re looking much better,” Kira said as he went to the coldstore and got a bottle of electrolyte water.
“That’s not going to last long. If you’re ready, I’d like to go back under again.”
Her expression tightened, but she nodded and stood.
He headed out of the common room, but as he turned toward the cabin with the racks, Kira stopped him with a hand on his arm.
“We’re better off doing this in the medbay.” Without waiting for him to agree, she disappeared down the passage.
He opened his water and took a long swallow as he followed her, thirsty but not hungry, even though he couldn’t remember when he’d last eaten a decent meal.
In the medbay, Kira remained silent as she set things up, so he put his half-empty water aside and got onto the slim gurney, unhelpfully remembering everything that had gone down last time he’d been in a medbay on the Imojenna—getting tied up, the fight with Callan, and almost getting killed more times than he cared to think about.
Putting aside the recollections, he breathed out and forced himself to relax. Kira finished her preparations and looked down at him, doctor mask firmly in place like when he’d first met her.
“Okay. I’ve got two different scanners ready to monitor your vitals. So how is this going to work?”
“It’ll be just like last time, except if I’ve been out for too long, or you think things are getting critical, I need you to bring me right out of it.”
“And how am I supposed to bring you out of it? I can’t give you any medications. Last time, I was about ready to drill holes in your head.”
He clenched his fists, fighting the urge to reach out and take her hand. But he had no way of resisting the smile tugging at his mouth. “Yeah, that would have been one hell of a surprise to wake up to.”
“You’re lucky you did wake up.” She clamped her lips together, as though she wanted to say more.
“Don’t worry, Kira. This is going to work. I’ve got a better idea of what I’m doing this time. If you need to bring me out, just call my name. I can hear you, loud and clear. That’s how I came around before. Your voice is like a light leading me back.”
She took in a quick breath, her gaze cutting away from him. Okay, so he was obviously making her uncomfortable, which didn’t really run with the whole plan of avoiding each other. But he couldn’t let their personal complications get in the way of what he needed to do.
“I’m ready when you are.” He closed his eyes, preparing to sink into his mind.
“What if it doesn’t work?” Her words were quiet, but they jolted his body like she’d shouted them. Her fingers wrapped tightly together with his. “What if simply talking you out doesn’t work? What do I do?”
He couldn’t open his eyes and look at her, because if he did, all the things he wanted to say to her would come spilling out. And they’d already established that was pointless.
“If it doesn’t work, you let me go. There’s nothing else you can do.”
Her hand slipped from his, leaving him feeling alone in the dark. But since it was self-inflicted, he wasn’t going to waste time lying there feeling sorry for himself. Instead, he found the thread he needed in his mind and followed it.
When he reached the threshold, he was shocked to find the barrier La’thar and Ko’en had instructed him to keep up was entirely missing. Because of the way he’d come out of it last time, chasing Kira’s voice after being so disconnected? He put the worry aside, but made a mental note that when he came out this time, he had to make sure the mental barricade was in place.
Without hesitation, he immersed in the stream of consciousness, taking himself right to where he’d left off—pursuing a line on Sherron. There was so much to wade through because of the years the guy had spent in Reidar custody. But slowly, he was able to recognize old information, which had a different quality to it compared to new information.
Finally, he came across something he could use. Sherron and the priestess were being transported on a tiny Ambit class ship called the Marsala. Now all he needed was an exact location, and they’d be set to snatch the pair back.
A prickle of awareness bristled across him, making him pause. And then— It was almost something he couldn’t explain, but like another reached out and touched him with icy fingers, leaving chills racing through him. In a split second, he felt the entity go from curious to hostile.
Oh crap. The Reidar—at least one, anyway—had become aware of his presence. Like a tornado touching down, a swirl of antagonistic energy surrounded him, restricting him from accessing any more information. Or finding his way out. He could feel multiple consciousnesses prodding him, poking him like sharp little jabs from a razor, trying to get into his mind, trying to steal images and memories. They were trying to work out where and how to find him.
Time to get the hell out. Except the churning vortex of energy left him disoriented, completely disconnected from any tether or direction. It was getting harder to keep the jagged assault of power from completely overwhelming him.
And then he felt it—a tiny glimmer of light. It was Kira calling him, but he was so far gone, he couldn’t hear her, could only feel the echo, almost too far away for him to reach.
With effort, he blocked out everything and focused on that miniscule flicker and then hurled himself toward it. His body jolted, pain exploding through every cell of his being as he slammed back to himself. Kira was shouting his name, tone just shy of outright panic, her fingers digging tightly into his shoulders.
He couldn’t find his voice, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t open his eyes, the agonizing burn in his brain radiating through the rest of his body. Gradually, with each sluggish thump of his heart, the pain receded, and he was able to suck in a long breath ending on a cough, because his lungs had been deprived of oxygen too long.
“Damn it, Varean.” Kira sounded really pissed, practically slapping an oxygen mask on his face.
He slitted his eyes open, expecting the light to stab through his retina like a white-hot flare knife, but not prepared for the exact torture.
“Do you want to risk some pain meds? I could give a very small dose, see how it affects your systems.”
He shook his head, grimacing at the extra hurt that inflicted. “It’ll pass in a second.”
She huffed out a long sigh, and he made his bleary eyes focus on her as she dropped onto the stool next to the gurney.
“How long this time?” he asked, swallowing against the dryness in the back of his throat.
“An hour and a half. But something different happened. One second you seemed to be fine, then you started seizing.”
“They found me,” he murmured, more to himself. And damn it to hell, but again, he’d come out too fast and hadn’t made sure the barri
er was in place. Even now, he could feel the consciousness in the bottom of his mind rising up like lava in a volcano, the sinister drive to know where and how to find him so they could see him destroyed. He had to shut them down, re-erect his barricade—if it wasn’t too late.
“What do you mean they found you?”
“La’thar and Ko’en warned me if I did this, I risked exposing myself to the Reidar.”
“And now they know where you are?” She paced a few steps away, anger in her tight movements. “How could you risk that?”
He pushed upright on the gurney, ignoring the aching slosh of his head. “What else was I going to do?”
She spun back to face him, incensed. “How about not putting yourself right in front of danger, like staring down a battle cruiser, for once?”
“Except then I wouldn’t have been able to help you. I wouldn’t have been able to find Sherron.”
She sucked in a sharp breath, hope leaping into her gaze like a kindling flame.
“You found Rian?”
“Not his exact location. But he and the priestess are on an Ambit class ship called the Marsala.”
“And what about you?”
“I’ll disappear with the Mar’keish. Hopefully they’ll help me stay one step ahead of the bastards.”
She closed her eyes. “This wasn’t worth your life.”
“Wasn’t it?” His life had been over the second he’d been shot with the razar back on the Swift Brion. He had nothing and no one to hold on to. Whatever the Reidar did to him seemed like little more than a formality.
Besides, if he wanted half a chance of going on the run—whatever kind of existence that would provide—he needed to go back in and slam up that barrier as hard and solid as he could. Even now, he could feel tiny worming threads of other entities searching the outer edges of his mind. Only a matter of time before they found a clue that would tell them where to find him. And considering all Kira had put on the line for him, he didn’t plan on getting her killed.
“Comm up to the bridge and give them the information. Every minute counts if you want to get Sherron back before he and the priestess reach cold-space.”
In a matter of moments, she’d informed Forster, the captain ending the call with an order for Kira to go up to the bridge. There certainly hadn’t been any short supply of suspicion in the guy’s voice. No doubt they were going to discuss what to do with him now.
Kira didn’t look at him as she shoved her comm away, but paused at the medbay doorway. “You’re going to rest, right?”
He contemplated telling her a small, easy lie. That, of course, he was going to rest. But she deserved the truth.
“I have to go back in.”
“What?” She stepped toward him, fists clenched and green eyes flashing. “You think you came close to dying before? This time you were circling the drain. You stopped breathing and your heart rate dropped to nothing but a few beats a minute. And that was before you started seizing. You can’t do it again.”
“If they find me while I’m on this ship, that puts you and everyone else in danger. They won’t hesitate to blow the Ebony Winter to pieces just to kill me. La’thar and Ko’en instructed me to keep a kind of mind barrier in place, and when I came out, I don’t know if the barrier stayed up. I’m not going to go deep like I did the last two times, just enough to make sure I can keep them at bay until I get somewhere far away from you.”
She pointed a finger at him. “Don’t do anything until I come back.”
He shook his head. “I don’t have time to wait. I’ve done my part, so your obligation to deal with me is over. Head up to the bridge, and don’t worry about me.”
She muttered a string of curses that sounded more like something Callan would have said, then left the medbay at a run.
Still swimming in pain and exhaustion, Varean blew out a hard breath and collapsed on the gurney.
There was no choice, however, no second-guessing. He’d vowed to keep Kira safe and that included from himself. He’d go back, no matter the cost, and make sure the Reidar didn’t find him.
Focusing on that single determination made it easy to ignore the aches and fatigue to put himself down again. Streams of consciousness brimmed out from beyond where he’d erected the barricade before. They were in the outer reaches of his mind already, and it wouldn’t take long before they found what they needed and everything was lost.
He’d have to partly immerse himself to put the barrier back up. He didn’t know what that would mean for him, but he didn’t hesitate and rammed against the surging tide of energy.
At first, he met resistance. But as he struggled to bring up the mental blockade, the drag switched directions, hooking into him and trying to tow him deeper. Was this what the Mar’keish had warned him about, the risk of getting lost in the darkness?
What if the Reidar took over his mind, and he woke up only to hurt Kira and everyone else onboard this ship? The thought made ice crystalize within him, all the way to his soul.
Like a swimmer trying to stay above choppy storm water, he fought to keep himself from getting sucked under, even as he desperately used every mental faculty left to get the barrier up. But he was steadily losing. Inch by inch, falling deeper. And this time there would be no escape.
He surged up and outward in one last desperate attempt, but he couldn’t get free.
Something caught his attention.
The blue star. Except now it was more like a nebula swirling with untamed vitality, bright and seductive. And there was someone there. The shadow of a figure that didn’t belong.
His instincts told him to reach out, that it was as trapped as he. Switching tactics, he pitched toward the figure and as soon as they connected, he realized who it was, though the answer made no damn sense.
But now wasn’t the time to play a round of what-the-hell.
He felt like he was being torn in two as the Reidar consciousness refused to let the shadow and him go, but he joined his last ounce of energy with the other presence, forcing them both into the blue star.
The familiarity of it struck a chord deep within him, just like La’thar and Ko’en had said it would when he at last found the path to access his Mar’keish abilities. That’s what the blue star had been all along, his own inherent potential, hovering just out of reach. With nothing but sheer determination, he forged ahead deeper into the mercury light, dragging the other presence with him.
And then every atom in his body exploded.
Chapter Thirty
Rian came around coughing, lungs aching and side burning like someone had injected lava into his chest. He’d been dreaming of gray-and-yellow tinted shadows, of the Reidar dragging him back into the deepest hells of his own mind.
“Breathe, Rian. Take a second and then breathe.” Ella’s words anchored him, and he did what she said, willing his body to stop the instinctual panic of not having enough oxygen and sucking in what air he could. But it wasn’t enough. Like they’d been stuffed with cotton, his lungs wouldn’t fully expand.
He wasn’t a doctor, but he’d punctured a lung before. And while that had been worse and taken him down faster, it seemed this stab wound had created a slow leak, gradually but surely filling his chest cavity. He probably didn’t have long before he suffocated in his own body, which he found laughably ironic… Or, at least he would if he could get enough air to laugh.
After everything, after all of his bloody plans for revenge and intentions to go out as messy and destructive as possible, he was going to lie in the hold of some random ship and quite simply stop breathing.
“You’re okay.” Ella tightened her arms around him where he was still propped up against her. “You’re okay. We’ll be fine. The others will be here soon.”
She still thought that? Well, he wasn’t going to burst her bubble, not until he kicked it, anyway.
“How long was I out?” He rasped the words, despite how they made the whole breathing thing harder still, and his throat ache like h
e had a flu.
“Around two hours, I think. We haven’t moved, though. The ship is still docked.”
“Wonder what they’re waiting for.”
Because if they waited much longer, he was going to be too dead for whatever plans Baden Niels had in mind. He got a flare of dark satisfaction, imagining the look on Niels’s face when he found out Rian had thwarted him by dying. Except that was quickly followed by the notion Ella would be left to face the psychotic bastard by herself. A surge of determined protectiveness fed him a swell of energy, and he forced his eyes open.
The view stole what little air he’d managed to save. Ella stared down at him, watching him breathe, no doubt knowing he had too few breaths left.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t save you,” she whispered, her voice catching.
“You tried, even though I didn’t want it.”
“Didn’t you?” She brushed his hair back from his forehead.
He swallowed, the truth of hope he’d kept buried in his soul rushing up. “I did. Somewhere deep… Even though I couldn’t face it…there was a small shred of hope you could save me. But I always knew I was doomed.”
He focused on her face, for once letting everything go. Nothing else existed. No monster lurking inside him that he feared would consume everything and everyone he cared about. No revenge, no vendetta, no war, and no impossible quest he was desperate to see through.
No rage, no desolation, and no pain.
No pain.
Everything was rushing away from him, leaving nothing but a vast darkness. When he went under this time, he wouldn’t be coming back. The inevitability of that knowledge gouged his soul.
“Tell me again,” he gasped out, the words running into one another. “Tell me that if you get the chance…if you get those bands off…you’ll use your abilities to escape …”
She nodded, the movement causing her brimming eyes to overflow. “I promise, I won’t fail again. I’ll do whatever it takes.”
Diffraction (Atrophy) Page 32