by Peter Styles
“We’re not going to disappear just because you don’t see us,” Lina says, her tone softening. “And we’ll always be there for you. Hell, we were all talking about crashing the bakery the other day.”
“Jen would love that,” Rowan laughs weakly. “But…I worked so hard to get where I am in animation. It’s…it pays well and I’m…”
“Are you happy doing it?”
“Of course—I don’t hate it,” Rowan snorts.
“I didn’t ask if you hated it. Do you love it?”
“I mean…I guess—”
“That’s not a yes. If you can’t immediately say, ‘I love being an animator,’ why does it matter? You love Stephen. You seem to love baking. If you’re happy and you feel like it’s right, why waste time? You get chances and sometimes, you just have to take them. Besides, Dean would take you back in a heartbeat if it doesn’t work out.”
“You’re probably right,” Rowan sighs. “I just…I can’t help but think that I’m being dramatic by acting like if I go back, Stephen and I could never work out. Maybe that’s the better plan.”
“Hold on,” Lina says, shuffling sounds echoing on the line. Rowan can hear the faint sound of conversation and then a low whoosh as the phone is brought up again.
“Um…hi. It’s Leo.”
“Oh. Uh…hi?”
“Lina didn’t say much but she mentioned you’re considering whether you should move back because you met this guy, right?”
“Yeah, pretty much,” Rowan says, perplexed.
“Well—and I may not be the best role model—I’d say go for it. Acting like you’ll get another chance is fine, but sometimes you don’t and you’ll end up regretting it. It’s better to do something and learn from the consequences than not do something and never grow. Especially when it comes to relationships.”
“That…is actually probably true,” Rowan says, sighing. He appreciates getting the male perspective. “Thanks.”
“Yeah. No problem.”
Lina takes over the phone again and Rowan stares at his sheets, tracing the stripes with a finger.
“It’s up to you, now. Do what you think is right. It’s your life,” Lina says, “Make sure you’re actually living it.”
“Yes, oh wise one,” Rowan teases. He feels better, though.
He has a clear choice. Either he goes back to his waiting animation job and apartment, steady and sure, or he takes his chances and stays in Oriole, hopefully with Stephen. At the heart of it is one simple question—will I ever get another chance or love like this? Do I want to give it up? He feels like he already knows the answer—he’s known since the first time he felt a pull towards Stephen, prompting him to wait and stand by the man through all of his troubles. He’s invested so much in Stephen. Rowan is fully aware that he only has a handful of friends—people he genuinely cares about and would do anything for—and Stephen had somehow landed himself in that number faster than anyone else before. He carved out a space for himself in Rowan’s life and it could never really be filled by anything else.
I want to stay, Rowan thinks, already starting to plan what he’ll need to do. But does he want me to?
After lying in bed for a few hours on Sunday, he makes his way to the main house to talk to Jen. Stephen texts him before he gets there, his tirade spanning several novel-length messages. Rowan is still reading them when he walks up the stairs to his cousin’s room. Jen asks the predictable questions first.
“Is she okay? Is he—”
“Stephen’s fine, just worried. He told me Jordi’s fine—apparently, it was a drunk driver. He was royally pissed. Went on and on about never having stooped to driving while drunk, especially that early in the evening.”
Jen shakes her head, pushing curls away from her face. She’s already pulling her clipboard out, checking Stephen’s shifts for the next two days. Rowan wonders what she’s thinking.
“Well, it’s good that he called you. I’m surprised he had the wherewithal to think about work, even with that shock. Looks like you can take his shifts—none of them cross over with yours. Are you sure you don’t want me to ask some of the kids—?”
“No, it’s fine,” Rowan smiles. “And…I’m…can I ask something?” Smooth, Rowan.
“What’s up?”
“If…for some reason…I stayed, would—I mean, could I—”
“Ro, if you stayed, you would not be allowed to work anywhere but the bakery,” Jen smiles. Rowan feels a brief wave of relief, despite the fact that he already knew the answer. “Did something happen with your job?”
“No,” Rowan says quickly, “It’s still there, I just…um….” Do I tell her? He’s acutely aware that Jen is not oblivious to his relationship with Stephen, even if they’ve been discreet. She’s too smart and she knows him too well not to suspect anything. But he still hasn’t talked to Stephen yet and for all he knows, this thing that they have is temporary.
“Well, now you know,” Jen says finally, dropping the topic easily. I love her for that. She’s always been able to tell what he’s feeling and she’s usually accommodating. It helps. “Just keep me posted.”
Monday rolls around and Rowan goes to the shop, still half-asleep, glancing at the clock when Stephen doesn’t walk in. He catches his mistake, shaking his head, and notices Jen giving him a worried glance. He feels guilty—after all, it’s Stephen that’s suffering, not him. Rowan is just fine, waiting for Stephen to come back. Well, mostly fine. His stomach feels like a whirling ball of uncertainty.
He ends up burning his hand with coffee when he’s distracted, playing through possible confessions in his head. Later in the day, he almost orders Stephen’s usual when he goes into the deli for lunch. Most of his day is stilted, just a little off-kilter, a Stephen-shaped hole torn in his tiny universe. Rowan feels like a lost puppy. God, I’m a mess. How can you get so used to someone in such a short amount of time? Is it just because I want it to work so badly?
“Rowan, come here,” Jen says, pulling him away from the ovens at six in the evening when he almost drops a tray of cupcakes. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I’m fine,” he says quickly, shaking his head, “I’m just—I just got used to…”
“Having Stephen around? Yeah, I know.” She smiles. “Half the city is looking for him. They all seemed ready to send out search parties.”
“Prom king.” Rowan smiles, wanting to laugh and cry at the same time. “What is it about absence and the heart?”
Jen looks at him with barely-disguised pity for a moment, leaning against the counters as she contemplates. She glances towards the front, biting her bottom lip for a second. Rowan wonders what it is she’s trying not to say.
“Ro…you were always pretty quiet. Kept to yourself. I was worried about you when you went to college, you know. I thought maybe you just wouldn’t make friends.”
“A ringing vote of confidence.” He knows she’s right though.
“I was worried,” Jen emphasizes, “but you did fine. After that first time I visited you on campus, I didn’t worry, after that. But I think…maybe you’re not as happy as you pretend to be. You’ve always been good at fooling yourself to fool everyone else, Ro. I know you felt like you had to, with all the shit you got for living with your aunt and uncle—but you don’t have to pretend anymore. It’s fine to be unhappy when you feel like it.”
Well, shit. He feels a lump in his throat start to invade his clear-headed patience. Jen smiles, pulling him into a brief hug, and he lets out a sigh he didn’t know he was holding in.
“I think I probably wasn’t happy before, either,” Rowan mutters, “and I think I figured out how to be happy, here.”
“Took long enough,” Jen jokes softly, brushing his hair back in a sisterly gesture. “Now get back to work and try not to cry on the donuts, okay?”
“Only if you try not to eat them all.”
He feels less lost after talking. He doesn’t have as many problems for the rest of the night, although
he does spill some vanilla extract that he knows will never come out of his shirt. He smiles when they lock up for the night and head back home, passing the Italian restaurant on the way.
Maybe I’ll take him when he gets back. Could be a romantic confession, if I plan it out.
15
“I’m on my way back. Jordi’s fine; just bruised and scratched up. She’s not happy about the road rash.”
“Who would be?” Rowan jokes lightly. He feels a ridiculous amount of relief at the fact that Stephen is coming back, as if he had been in danger of never returning. Is this how he feels about me leaving town?
“Well, I’m glad I’ll make it in time for the big wedding. Sarah and Carter have been the town sweethearts for years. It’s good to see them finally getting married. The whole town is going to be there, invited or not.”
“Well, we’re all prepping here,” Rowan says, “so there shouldn’t be too much for you to worry about when you get here. If you need more time—”
“No, no. Jordi’s fine; she’s strong. She’s planning on going back to school on Monday. There’s no point in sitting around—besides, it’s important for the shop. I want to be there. And I miss you.”
It’s so hard to not tell him that he loves him, right then, but Rowan just assures Stephen that he misses him too before saying goodbye. When he ends the call, his cheeks hurt from smiling.
The wedding is Wednesday, which means Rowan only has until Tuesday to figure out what he’s doing. His time is running out like flour from a torn bag. He feels frustrated at his past self—it’s like he spent so much time disliking Stephen that he barely had enough time to enjoy the relationship they built. He wants more of that relationship and he knows that if he asks, it’ll be a big risk. Now that Stephen’s on his way back, though, there’s a chance that he could finally talk to him. One-on-one, in person, and finally ready.
Jen makes them dress up.
“You look great.” She smiles, straightening Rowan’s tie. “I’m kind of surprised you had a mint-green tie. I was honestly joking.”
“I have a tie for every occasion,” Rowan says drily. “We’re going to be late if you keep fussing with us like dolls.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Jen says, rolling her eyes. “Thanks for doing this, Stephen. I’m glad you’re back.”
“It’s good to be back,” Stephen grins. God, he’s hot. Rowan almost melted into a puddle when he saw Stephen in a patterned, deep blue button-up and black slacks, a slight five-o’clock shadow and his hair slicked back. Stephen looks like he’s supposed to be part of the wedding party. Or a wedding guest catalog.
It’s the first time they’ve seen each other, technically, since Stephen left. They get everything packed into the back of the truck easily, crates keeping boxes in place, and then they start off. For the first minute, Rowan is quiet, unsure what he should say. You’re working, he tells himself, save it for later.
“So, who are these town sweethearts?” he asks because he knows Stephen knows—and if there’s one thing Rowan knows, it’s how much Stephen loves the people of Oriole.
“Sarah’s a local girl. Born and raised; her dad works at the plant and her mom has worked for the community college. Sarah’s always been smart—she’s won little writing contests for years. She decided to do undergrad work at the university and she’s got a good scholarship for grad work.”
“And Carter?”
“Moved here to attend the university. He’s a good kid—rich but not snobby. Never takes his parents’ money; he worked two jobs to pay for school. Could have had his pick, to be honest, but we’re all glad it was Sarah. She didn’t care at first, actually—it was great watching Carter run around town trying to woo her with flowers and Jen’s pastries—but then the kid got smart.”
“What do you mean?” Rowan asks, amused. This sounds like a fairy tale.
“He bought her a book,” Stephen laughs, “Finally realized he’d never seen her without one—and lo and behold, that was the key to her heart. It helped that he loves the same writers she does.”
“Guess it was meant to be,” Rowan smiles, looking out the window. What would it be like, to find the right match that young? He’s always marveled at the classmates that married when he was in college. Even the ones that married right out of college. It had always seemed so foreign to him, finding someone that could fit themselves so easily into your life. Or at least, it had before.
The venue is crowded with people. It’s a lovely wedding, simple in the way most Oriole functions are; the event center is mid-lit, gauzy rose and yellow fabric decorating the tables and walls. It looks like spring in the best way possible. There are daisies and greenery everywhere. Stephen and Rowan enter through a side door set behind the food tables, propping it open to make carrying things in easier. As Rowan is unpacking cupcakes from a case, setting them up on a tiered display, he sees someone walking over.
“Carter!” Stephen calls, grinning from ear to ear. The young man is wearing a gray-blue suit, a sprig of white flowers pinned to his lapel with a pale yellow ribbon. He looks more average than Rowan expected—dark hair, medium olive skin, brown eyes.
“Stephen,” Carter smiles, pulling him into a hug. “It’s good to see you. How’s Jordi doing? I heard about the accident.”
“She’s kicking. More than before, maybe. Royally pissed that she missed three days of class.”
“I bet,” Carter laughs, hands casually stuck in his pockets. “Hey, thank you for bringing everything—I hope you’ll be staying a while. We certainly have enough food to go around. Dancing later.”
“Thanks,” Stephen smiles, “I’d like to catch Sarah before I go.”
“Good luck.” Carter winks. “I can’t even manage to capture my wandering bride.”
As soon as Stephen and Rowan finish setting up, they manage to find a place to sit. Rowan feels a little out of place but somehow, with Stephen at his side, everyone acts as if he’s always been part of their conversations. Rowan feels like he’s being allowed some sort of magic key into the heart of Oriole, allowing him to insert himself in a way that feels genuine. There’s no worry or judgment; he feels just as at home as he did at the bakery.
Sarah makes her way to Stephen as soon as she sees him. Her dress is beautiful—soft and simple, a deep vee cut into the back. She looks young and vibrant—the very picture of a bride. I wonder if there’s just some sort of glow that people have when they get married, Rowan thinks.
“Stephen! It’s so good to see you!”
“You look beautiful,” Stephen says as he hugs Sarah, smiling softly. ‘I’m so happy for you both.”
Does he see Jordi when he looks at her? Rowan wonders if anyone is safe from Stephen. The man seems to adopt everyone he encounters—and maybe they adopt him, too.
“You’re gonna make me cry,” Sarah laughs, covering her mouth with one hand. “I’m so glad you’re here. This is—Rowan, right? Jen’s cousin?”
“Yes,” Rowan says quickly, extending a hand, “It’s nice to meet you.”
She chats with them for a moment, before the photographer interrupts them.
“It’s good to see you happy again,” Sarah says softly, fixing one of Stephen’s unruly cowlicks.
“Thank you, Sarah. Have a fantastic day, okay?”
“You know I will,” Sarah grins, leaving Stephen with a brief kiss on the cheek, and a warm smile for Rowan.
As it gets later, the music changes and the lights dim even more. The dance floor is eventually packed with people, everyone enjoying the simplicity and happiness of the spring wedding. It feels like the entire town is overwhelmed with joy, not just Sarah and Carter. Maybe that’s true, though. Oriole has always been tied together somehow, the happiness of neighbors linked in a massive web. It makes the community stronger, he thinks.
“Want to dance?”
“What?” Rowan stares at Stephen, shocked. Stephen laughs, rising from his seat and offering a hand.
“Come on. We’ve been sittin
g and talking too long.”
Rowan hesitates. In front of everyone? He’s not necessarily afraid; he’s just…worried. He knows logically that nothing bad will happen. It’s just that it will likely make ripples. The entire town will know—which is not bad in itself—but then he’ll be tied to it. And what if he doesn’t want me to stay?
Rowan takes the floor with Stephen, wrinkling his nose as he tries to get into the dance. Thankfully, it’s slow and most people are just swaying and crowding the floor.
“I feel dumb.”
“Welcome to my life,” Stephen laughs.
“You? You’re prom king,” Rowan snorts, “everyone loves you. I don’t think there’s a person in town who didn’t ask where you were these past few days. And you talk to people so easily.”
“I just know them,” Stephen dismisses, “and I probably care too much.”
“You care just the right amount,” Rowan corrects, smiling, “and I love that about you.”
Guess it’s time, he thinks. Stephen seems to let the words mill around his mind for a little while as they sway. The anticipation weighs heavily on Rowan’s shoulders.
“I’ve been meaning to talk to you,” Stephen starts, careful. He pulls back a little and looks into Rowan’s eyes. “About…well, I know you’re leaving next week. Only a few days, now.”
“Yeah.” He wants to come out and say it—I don’t want to, I want to be with you—but he can tell that Stephen needs to get his thoughts in order. He’s been through a lot in the past few days.
“I…I don’t want to keep you from your job. I know you have a home in the city and a good job and friends and I would never ask you to leave that behind.”
“But?”
“No buts,” Stephen says, serious. “I’m not going to say but I want you here. What I want doesn’t matter.”
“Yes, it does,” Rowan insists, keeping his voice low as they spin between other couples. “When was the last time you had something you wanted? Something that you didn’t do for Jordi, or even Melissa?”
“A couple of nights ago,” Stephen smiles crookedly. Rowan feels his heart pound.