"Yes well, I will be talking to Charlotte too about her power. Don't you worry I thought it might be a bit overwhelming for her if I address that now while she's... Well, I'm going to have to go correct that if I can."
"Who cares?” I said simply, rolling my eyes. Aidan snorted again and shook his head beside me.
"Can we go now?" Atlas took a moment to stare long and hard at Aidan and I before he nodded and freed us from his custody. I wondered what he was thinking as he stood there, an air of interest hanging between the three of us. Atlas, no doubt, saw something else when he looked at us having once known our former selves. If he knew something that could help, especially what with this prophecy why couldn’t he tell us?
As soon as Atlas nodded, however, Aidan was back to his old self, bee lining for the door and leaving me behind. I was sick of his hot and cold temperament and how he strung me along, he needed to pick one and stop confusing me.
It took my body a few seconds to catch up with my mind and I went running after Aidan, not entirely sure what exactly I wanted to say. Part of me wanted to yell at him for being a hypocrite and another part of me wanted to thank him. Like anything that ever came with being around Aidan I had to wait and see.
Rushing for the door I pushed it open behind him and went out into the hall.
"Wait a minute." I said, reaching out and grabbing him by the elbow. "You need to stop this. I’m sick of thinking one thing only for you to turn around and do the opposite. I told you how confused I was already because of how Hera messes with my head with the way she reacts to things, you can't keep doing this to me. Either you care or you don't. It's simple. I told you I care, which is it?"
Aidan had stopped but he didn't say anything. He stood there in silence like he was prone to do. I wasn't going to let go without him replying to me for once either he was going to speak or he was going to end up having me follow him all over the place.
He seemed to hate the fact that I had backed him into a corner, even if he did care – which I suspected he did – he wasn’t the kind of person who went around declaring it. Between the two of us I wore my heart on my sleeve while he built walls around his and other sensitive emotions to protect himself. What could’ve possibly happened to him to make him hate the idea of love this much?
"Why would what I'm thinking or doing ever have any influence on you?" He said calmly, his ice blue eyes glancing down at me.
"You know why Aidan." I said quietly. No matter if our Gods were husband and wife, no matter if they screwed with our emotions and made us help each other magically... It mattered to me what he did because I did care about him. And I wanted him to care about me; if only I could show him it was okay to let people in. Not everyone was going to hurt you – it was a lesson I wanted to prove to myself as well.
"No, I don’t. Because what I feel and don't feel have nothing to do with what you feel. I told you Savannah, I've told you countless times I'm not in it for you or anyone else. I look out for number one and that's the only way I know how to be. Stop building me up in your head as mysterious guy. I’m not the guy who is going to surprise you in the end and let you change him. You're not going to change me and I'm everything you don't want. That's the only thing I know."
I was devastated. He was probably right. He was all wrong for me; he was going to hurt me if I let him get close. The trouble was, I already had. No matter what happened now he was under my skin and it was going to hurt. Yet still, I couldn’t help but think if he didn't care in some capacity he wouldn't have helped me with Charlotte and said those things he had to Atlas. With a seed of hope I called him out: "Bullshit. I think you do care but you take the easy route out, not because you're a bad guy but because you're a coward. You're too comfortable acting like you don't care and being an asshole to people who try to get close because you're too afraid to be real and open with someone. And trust me, I could change a lot but being a coward that’s not something anyone can ever change."
"Don't tell me what I am little girl, you don't know anything." He said stiffly, his jaw clenched and working at controlling the slowly building rage.
"Do not call me a little girl. I do know a lot. I know a lot more than you want me to know and that's what you hate. You hate the fact that he feels comfortable with her and, in turn, me. It’s why you admitted things to me last night you would have never told anyone.” I was staring at him, breathing hard as if I’d finished running a triathlon. In a way I was, it felt like when I finished the first part I was ready to quit but there was always another hoop I needed to jump through before reaching the finish line.
“You treat me like shit but then turn around and defend me, protect me, doing things someone who isn’t supposed to care wouldn’t do but that doesn’t stop you. Don’t you see how conflicting that is? I’m going out of my head trying to keep up with you. It doesn’t help that Hera’s hot and cold about her own husband already. I don’t need this… I don’t even want this.”
I’d wanted my Prince Charming and I naively thought maybe he could be that but he wasn’t. And he’d told me that. I was only naive to ignore what was right in front of me.
“I’m done.” I said simply, I didn’t have the fight in me to keep this up anymore. If he didn’t want to come clean with what he was feeling nothing I said or did was going to change that. I was going to continue banging my head against the wall and the only productive thing that would come out of that was a migraine. Nodding contently to myself I reiterated: “I’m done” and moved past him down the hall.
If I got over his bullshit, I got over the annoyance I constantly felt creeping up my spine whenever he became arrogant and acted like he was better than all this – than me. This is what he wanted anyways. He didn’t want to be with me, he wasn’t prepared to change or be the prince charming I wanted. It was only fair to both of us that I abide by his wishes.
The further I got from him, the more confident I felt.
“You know that’s not true.” Aidan said simply. His footsteps echoed as they came up behind me.
I desperately wanted something constant in my life for a change. I didn’t want to second-guess myself and yet I knew with Aidan that would always be something I would feel.
"Something deep inside of you loves fighting with me, like I secretly enjoy it." I knew exactly what that something was.
"It's them you know." I said quietly, taking a deep breath as I stood up straight again and turned to look at him. He nodded his head, agreeing with me quietly.
"God knows why."
"Zeus knows why, you mean." We both laughed, letting the tension of the moment dissolve. This was the problem with him, when I was ready to give up he would do something to reel me back in. He both wanted to be rid of me and couldn’t imagine not having me around. That might work for him but it didn’t work for me. I needed something concrete, I needed to know where I stood with him even in the smallest capacity.
"Why can't you admit that you feel something? It's okay to say you don't know if it's you, or if it's him. At least you stop lying to both of us."
I said, staring up at him earnestly. "I know what it's like to be confused nearly all the time with yourself. I feel that every single second to the point I think I might snap and kill everyone here."
"Gonna open fire and pin us all to the wall like your own personal Greek God collection, Queenie?" Aidan smirked at me, the teasing evident in his voice although I frowned at him.
"Hardly, but I do wonder if one day something is going to push me over the edge."
"And by something you mean me." He said quietly, his eyebrows rising slightly as he watched for my reaction. I couldn't lie, instead I shrugged, half committing to my agreement.
"You are the most infuriating thing here." He seemed proud of this fact as he grinned at me, "I do my best."
"I'd hate to see what your worst is."
"I think if you saw my worst, that would be the day you snapped." I thought about this for a moment and then offered him a smil
e as I nodded.
"You said it, not me." I turned back toward the hallway, starting down it. I only made it a few more steps away when he spoke again.
“I’m not saying I care one way or the other Savannah, I’m not even admitting whether it’s him or it’s me that feels the things we do. I’m not ready to accept that one minute I was living my life the way I saw fit and the next I’m here being told that someone – you – are my Godly wife and this is my fate.
I’ve never believed in fate ever before why should I start now because I’m supposedly Zeus? If I’m going to do or say anything it’s going to be on my own terms, not someone else’s especially not Atlas’.
And for right now, I don’t want a wife – I don’t want a girlfriend. I want time to figure this place out and my place in it. It’s hard enough learning I’m the most powerful God in the world right now with a target on my back without adding in a needy wife.
And you’re right Blondie, you don’t need this. You need to figure out who you are and where you stand too instead of relying on me for your identity. Because; at the end of the day, even if we are King and Queen, that’s not your identity. It’s who you are in the face of adversity and the decisions you’re going to make when there’s no one else there to make them.
If you want to be Queen you need to start acting like it and stop relying on a King to give you power. I don’t know what else I can say Savannah... I feel like I’m repeating myself to you repeatedly and this is as clear as I can get. It doesn’t matter if I love you or not, you need to love yourself as much as you love me. Start taking care of yourself, no one else here is going to do it.”
All along there was a man inside of Aidan, a thoughtful, intelligent man despite his façade for arrogant and chauvinism. He was a man, as confused as I was, trying to guide me in a way my own stubborn resolve wouldn’t allow. But here it was, all laid out for me like he had the night before. Everything he had ever said to me reiterated into one speech that answered all my questions. It didn’t matter who I hated or loved because he was right, none of them decided my power or position. That fell onto my shoulders and all along I’d been doing nothing but worrying about them.
I felt childish and embarrassed. We had been chosen to be Greek Gods and that didn’t mean it was all going to be fun and games. Sure, for now, we were enjoying ourselves but Aidan knew the harsh reality. There was trouble brewing, whether it was civil or worldly, but it was coming and unless we prepared ourselves for it we were going to fail the mission we had been chosen for.
"I guess I'll see you later then."
"Will you?" He asked mysteriously. I shrugged because now I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t exactly say Aidan and I were in a good place because maybe we weren’t in the same place at all.
It was a lot to think about, what he had said had changed my entire outlook on this whole situation. I wanted to be Queen, that much was true, but I wasn’t ready to be.
That was going to take some time.
Chapter 17
I had a lot to think about once I got back to my apartment. I was still reeling from the effect of Aidan’s speech and still embarrassed that this entire time he had been nothing but upfront and honest – in his way – to a completely blind and ignorant me. If only I had possessed some sense to see what he had been saying all along, it might’ve spared me some confusion and annoyance.
As I sat on my couch going over everything I had learned in the last 24 hours about Aidan and about my own Godly existence I fell into an exhausted sleep. I have expected to wake up from the nap with recollection of another dream from Savannah-Hera but instead I slept soundly, allowing everything to come to terms within me.
When I woke, I couldn’t be sure of the time or the day in which I had roused. Days and their names had begun to fade from my mind as their necessity had lessened. Like time, days of the week no longer had the importance they'd possessed for me when I was a mortal. While technically it felt as though it had only been a matter of days since I arrived at Olympus for all I knew it could have been months or even hours. Time simply didn’t exist in the way I was used to it here.
I took my time, moving slowly around my apartment doing mundane things I'd once used to pass time in my mortal life. I changed out of the yoga clothes into something less restrictive, I made tea, I watched television, I even cracked a couple of the books Atlas had thoughtfully left in my room but I was still bored and I still wanted to get out of the flat.
I decided to explore. Everyone had told me how this place had everything we could ever desire. I decided to put it to the test. As soon as I was out in the hallway I knew where I wanted to go. The stuff I knew about my Goddess was bare minimum, the things that were touched on in elementary school, but you never revisited that information unless you had a keen interest. I knew enough about Hera to know what to expect, but now I wanted more.
I had finally managed to master the hallway system as I made my way down the hall and opened the first door. I concentrated on thinking about needing a library with all the histories of the Gods. When the door was fully pushed open it revealed to me exactly what I had been hoping for. Aisles upon aisles spanned along showing me bookshelves falling over with books.
My eyes nearly bugged out of my head in excitement and I moved further into the room looking around. I didn’t exactly know what I was looking for until the filing system caught my eye. Like any good library, it had plaques on the front of every bookshelf telling me what was down each aisle and thankfully they were each labeled by God.
I followed it along looking for Hera’s spot and then there I was. I stood in awe staring at the books chronicling my Goddess’ former life and I felt a bit overwhelmed. How was I supposed to read all this and understand it without referencing back to anything else in the library?
I made my way along the shelving unit until I reached the end and there it was. It was marked with a roman numeral of 1 and I reached out, taking the heavy and dusty tome in my hand, staring at it. It was black and rimmed with gold trim; dust layered it from the centuries it had sat here unattended. I felt my heart go out to poor Hera who didn’t even have anyone willing to go and look her up.
Moving back toward the end of the aisle I sought a table to sit at, having no interest in holding the book in my arm as I perused through it. Thankfully my library came equipped with a nice set of cushions all lavishly displayed for, no doubt,
Godly rears. Sinking down into the fluffy throne, I settled in and slowly opened the book researching Hera's past.
As I'd known she was the oldest daughter of Rhea and Cronos, swallowed by her father upon birth. She spent her early years in Cronos' stomach until Zeus and Rhea hatched a plan to free her and her other siblings from their paternal prison.
Once she was freed from Cronos' stomach she left and went to live with Oceanus and Tethys who raised her until she returned to Olympus to help her brothers and sisters battle the Titans.
She was one of the main fighters in the battle against the Titans, fighting side by side with Zeus. Zeus found he was growing fond of Hera and decided that to court her he would turn himself into a cuckoo bird. Hera naively caught the bird as a pet but once she loved it he turned back into himself and took her maidenhood.
The older Hera got the more beautiful Zeus found her and decided that she should be his wife. Once married though it didn't stop him from looking upon other women or pursuing them. Typically, Hera turned a blind eye and let him do what he wanted because she was still his inferior and lacked the same amount of power that he had. But, she did tend to react and get jealous.
Hera was well known for her jealous tendencies and there were many Gods and mortals alike who had all found themselves under her jealous wrath. Throughout it all, however, Zeus never once strayed in his affection. Every time he infuriated her he always came crawling back hoping to make her happy by seducing her once more. He even once made a cloud for them and together they had laid in it for days while the rest of the world went on wit
hout them.
I looked up, feeling suddenly enlightened by all this. Aidan was Zeus in his pursuits of other women for the sake of glory and nothing else before he came back to me with his thoughts and his fears.
It was terrifying to see in a book something that was happening to me in real life when books were meant to be fictional. I was still struggling to wrap my head around the idea that all these stories, in the end, were real.
I knew that by researching Hera's history like I'd chosen to I'd find uncanny similarities to her and myself. I could hardly believe how accurate it all turned out to be. I didn't like the idea of being constantly jealous of him. I didn't like the idea of him using me the way Zeus had done Hera. I was a modern woman with modern ideas, and as a modern man he needed to respect that, whatever happened.
I wasn't going to be as easy as Hera was and turn a blind eye to it. Being cheated on was the end of the game for me. After that I would never be able to trust him again. I knew that without trust there was no real relationship.
People tried to fool themselves into thinking that how they felt about the other person could salvage what had been lost. But before anything else, even love, trust had to be established with the other person. How else were you supposed to give your heart and give into what you were feeling if you couldn't trust them?
I wanted to believe Aidan would understand this, given his reluctance to get close to me. That had to do with trust surely and my demands of such a thing couldn't be laughed at or forgotten.
But what bothered me the most about all this was how Zeus was certain that no matter what he did, he could always come back to Hera and things would go back to being the same. She let him walk all over her the way he had because she hadn't set boundaries. Being a Goddess of marriage she should have invoked the holiness of the vows they'd exchanged. Sure, they must have been different in Ancient Greece compared to modern day but the values were still the same. Love was always the same.
Grace of Gods Boxset: Reincarnated Greek Gods YA/NA Series Page 16