by Hazel Mills
Part of me wanted that person to be my mother but I realized that would never happen because of her own paralyzing fear of him. She wouldn’t have the strength to fight him. I wasn’t sure whether I even had that type of strength either. Like my mother, I found it easier to just be quiet and let him do what he wanted. Maybe that’s how I survived his torment without killing myself or losing my mind.
“Where are you?” Ahmad asked. His words jolted me. I was so deep in thought that I’d forgotten that he was sitting next to me in the car.
“I’m sorry. What?”
“Your body is here but your mind is elsewhere. What’s up?”
“Oh, nothing. I was just thinking about something.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No. It’s nothing.”
“Nothing? It looks like a big nothing to me. Are you having second thoughts about meeting Corrie?”
“No. I’m looking forward to meeting her. It has nothing to do with Corrie. Please believe that.”
“Well, are you having second thoughts about us? Are you skeptical about being in a relationship with a man who has a child? Be honest with me, Nikki.”
“Ahmad, I am not having second thoughts about us. I am sure that our relationship is right. What’s on my mind has absolutely nothing to do with you. I was actually thinking about my family.”
“Your family? Is everything okay?”
“Depends on what you mean by okay. No one is sick or hurt, if that’s what you meant.”
“Girl, please. Everybody has a crazy messed up family. You’ll get to meet mine in about an hour,” Ahmad said, laughing.
You have no idea.
“Speaking of family, have you heard from your sister?” Ahmad asked.
“No. I haven’t heard from her in months.”
“Months? Are you serious? Damn.”
“Yeah, I know. I’ve called her dorm number and nobody has seen her. My mother said that she spoke with Shannon two weeks ago. Ahmad, I just know that she is headed for trouble.”
“Sounds like it. It doesn’t make sense for her to be going to school so close by and not keep in touch with you on a regular basis. I tell you what; we can drive down to Hampton tomorrow afternoon and see what’s happening, if you want.”
“Hampton?”
“Yeah. That’s where she goes to school right?”
“No. She goes to Howard. My little sister is just across town.”
Ahmad’s facial expression suddenly changed. His dark brows dropped as he released the hold he had on my hand since we left DC. There was a faraway look in his eyes. He stopped talking.
“Ahmad, what’s wrong?”
“Umm, nothing. Nothing’s wrong.”
“Something is wrong.”
“No. I’m just embarrassed that I forgot what school your sister goes to. That’s all. I mean, I’m your man and I can’t remember something as simple as that.”
“Don’t be embarrassed. You’re a man, for God’s sake. Y’all are always forgetting stuff. It’s a part of your DNA,” I joked. But Ahmad didn’t seem to get it. He never even cracked a smile. He just continued to stare straight ahead. “Hello,” I sang.
“Yeah, baby?”
“Never mind.”
“What?”
“I’m talking to you but apparently you are lost in another world.”
“Naw, I’m here,” Ahmad said, looking at me this time. “I hope mama has lunch ready. I’m hungry as hell. You are in for a real treat, Nikki. My mom’s cooking is off the hook.”
I wasn’t sure why Ahmad forged a shift in the conversation but I didn’t press the issue. After all, we were on our way to see his mom and his daughter. We should be talking about them instead of my wayward little sister.
“Is it?”
“Yeah. She grew up in Jamaica and cooks a lot of the foods that she grew up eating.”
“Wow, I’ve never had Jamaican food before.”
“What? You’ve got to be kidding. You’ve never even had jerk chicken?”
“Nope. Remember where I’m from? There ain’t no Jamaicans living in Alabama. If there are, they certainly don’t live anywhere near my parents.”
Ahmad was laughing again. He seemed to have snapped out of whatever brief daze he had been in. We continued to laugh and talk for the remainder of the drive.
It suddenly occurred to me that this was going to be my first trip to New York. All of my life, New York always seemed like a mystical place that I saw on television but didn’t exist in reality. If it did exist, it did so as a part of another country that occupied its own space and time.
What if I don’t fit in? What if Ahmad’s mom doesn’t like me? What if she thinks that I’m a country bumpkin who doesn’t know shit? Oh my God! What if Corrie doesn’t like me? I know that would be the end of Ahmad and me.
“Don’t worry. You’ll be fine,” Ahmad said, smiling and grabbing my hand again. His voice jolted me from my anxious thoughts. I was touched that Ahmad had read my mind and tried to put it at ease. It didn’t work. Knots that were the size of bowling balls grew rapidly in my stomach as we followed the New Jersey Turnpike through the Lincoln Tunnel and into New York City.
“Welcome to New York,” Ahmad said proudly. “If you can’t find what you want here, it doesn’t exist.”
This certainly doesn’t look like the New York City I’ve seen on television. Where is Carnegie Hall? Where are Broadway and Times Square?
Living in DC had made me used to crowds but this was definitely different. Everyone seemed to be in a hurry and the expressions on their faces were tense. New York appeared to grow brick buildings from the ground instead of green grass.
“Well, what do you think of it so far?” Ahmad asked. The vibe of his city seemed to give him a high.
“It’s okay, I guess,” I answered, peering out of the window at a woman walking on the sidewalk, dressed as a can of dog food.
“Why is she dressed like that?”
“She probably is an actress either going to or leaving work.” Before long, we pulled in front of a red brick building.
“This is it. This is where I grew up. Come on, get out.”
Ahmad waved and high-five some men as he walked around the car and onto the sidewalk. As I opened my door, I was instantly assaulted by the smells of onions and bus exhaust.
“This is Bed-Stoy?”
“What? No, baby. Bed-Stuy. And please don’t let anybody on the street hear you say that.” Ahmad laughed, kissed my cheek, and grabbed my hand. “Let’s go inside.”
Here we go, I thought as my heart pounded in my ear.