by Paige North
“Well, not exactly like that, no.”
“Then, what? What did you want me to tell him?”
“I don’t know…” Tears burn at my eyelids, but I won’t let them fall. I refuse to let him see any weakness in me. “I just…did you have to be so adamant about denying it, though?”
“Why are you bringing this up now?” he asks. He looks so gorgeous in his pants and buttoned gray shirt, cuffs rolled up, drink in one hand.
I wish I could just forget this. Just go on with my job like I’m supposed to, but I couldn’t take it any longer. “Because I’ve played your game, Kase. I’ve ignored everything we did, just like you wanted me to. But in that room…” I point to the sitting room where Kase and his father-in-law spoke just yesterday, the same place where the old man advised Kase to treat me like shit. “You smiled at me when Liam wanted me to pick him back up. You appreciated me at that moment.”
“I did. I’ve never denied that, Alana. That doesn’t change the fact that I would never admit to anything so personal to a man I barely know.”
“Barely know?”
“Yes, for all his position in my life, I barely see the man. You can’t expect me to tell him that I’m banging the nanny when his daughter just passed a way a few months ago. You’re not making any sense, hon.”
Hon?
Maybe I’m reading into this too closely, but he never calls me that, and there was a touch of sweetness to it. I know this is about more than the way he denied me in front of Roper. Of course, he’s right—he couldn’t just put that out in the open. I would’ve denied our relationship, too, if someone other than my mom or best friends asked me straight out.
But it’s not just that bothering me. It’s the whole secrecy. The whole bringing me into his life on one hand, but on the other, keeping me strictly out of it. “Why weren’t you happy with what he told you?”
“Which part?” Kase stands and walks over to me, hands in pockets. So cool and collected. I so wish I could adopt his demeanor. He stands in front of me looking so sexy and unaffected. “Were you listening in when you should’ve been minding your own business?”
“I was just in the kitchen, Kase. I can’t stop my ears from hearing. Why don’t you want to take over your wife’s business? It doesn’t make any sense. If I were you, I’d be doing cartwheels.”
“Good thing you’re not me.” His smirk borders on a growl, and I have to contain myself from letting my emotions show.
“What does that mean?” I ask.
“Alana, listen…I know you’re smarter than the average nanny.”
“That’s because I’m not a nanny,” I blurt, even though that’s not fair to other nannies the world over. There’s nothing about being a nanny that makes anyone less smart, but I can’t flick the fucking service chip off my shoulder. My parents were in service, and now looks like I’ll be in service forever, too.
“Yes, we’ve been through this. You’re naturally inquisitive, you want to understand everything, and you also seem to care about my life, but I’m telling you now—the less you know about my life, the better.”
“Why?”
“Why, what?” I can see he’s getting irritated with me, but I can’t seem to stop myself. I was a runaway snowball before I even waltzed in here.
“Why is it you can wedge your way into my room, into my bed, do whatever you want with me, bring me into your office and demand sexual favors from me, but you can’t answer a single question of mine? Do you think that’s fair?” Feeling bolder than ever, I step farther into his office. He’s not more important than I am—we’re equals—and there’s nothing wrong with my wanting to know more about him.
I think I deserve a few answers.
But Kase hovers over me, raising his hand to point. “You know what? I can be nice once, I can even be nice twice, and I have infinite patience, but right now, you’re pushing my buttons, Alana.”
“Good, maybe someone should.”
Nostrils flare, and I know I’m not going to get what I want. But at the very least, I’ve said my peace. From his playpen in the next room, Liam is getting fussy wondering where I am. Can’t stay here anyway. “Listen, girly. You’re not my mom.” Point at my nose. “You’re not my parole officer…” More pointing at my nose. “In fact, you’re not even a good nanny. So keep yourself out of my shit. If I ever tell you anything, it’ll be because you earned it, not because you forced it out of me. Got it? Now, go do your job.”
My heart pounds like crazy.
I don’t need this shit. I don’t need this man ordering me around, I don’t care how much money he’s paying me. Some things are worth more than money, like self-respect and freedom. And for the last two weeks, I’ve felt like I’m living in a prison with only a cute little baby to make my time worthwhile. At first, I’d stupidly hoped that “whatever” was going on between me and Kase would develop into something more, but clearly, it’s nothing.
And I’ve been too stupid and naïve to see that sooner.
“I’m going. And I’m following through with Liam’s routine tonight, maybe even the morning. But after that, I quit,” I hear myself tell him, on the verge of tears. “I don’t need this shit from you, or anyone.”
Storming out of his office, I hear Kase grunt and sigh, as I head to Liam and scoop him up, hugging him close. He becomes paralyzed at first, then wraps his arms around my shoulders. I swear this kid can sense that I need a hug. It’s going to suck leaving him, but I can’t do this anymore. I can’t subject myself to this bullshit, this confusion and forced limbo.
If Kase won’t at the very least be a friend to me after the shit we’ve done together, if he can’t even answer a couple questions, if he can’t admit that there’s something going on between us—maybe not to Mr. Roper, fine, that was out of line, but to me—then we’re done. I mean, look…he can’t even chase after me to see if I’m okay. He really doesn’t give a shit.
And when Liam finally goes to bed that night, I trudge into my bedroom, pride all lodged up in my throat, and start packing. Yeah, I need the money, and this house and bedroom are absolutely gorgeous, plus that kid is going to miss me, but I have to go. I’ve been at rock bottom before, and I can be at rock bottom again.
My brain is exhausted from all the thinking, overthinking, and rethinking. I settle in with my iPad, ready to watch the next episode of Game of Thrones, when there’s a knock at my door. I stiffen, clinging to the blanket, wondering if I’m feeling strong enough to open it. Yes, Kase has pissed me off for the last time, but a big part of me also wants to see him. Hear what he has to say. But I swear, if he starts ordering me around or making me feel like shit in any way, I’m closing the door in his face. I’ll even leave tonight if I have to. Mom’s always ready to accept me back home at any given time.
With a deep breath, I get out of bed and cross the room, unlocking the door. He stands there, in jeans and a faded Doctor Who T-shirt. He looks like anyone else, not the big-time ad exec or my millionaire boss who, for some reason, doesn’t want to acquire a multibillion-dollar company. He eyes my bags waiting by the door. “Wow. You were serious.”
“What did you think?”
“I thought maybe you were just mad.”
“Sorry, Kase. I don’t operate that way.” I cross my arms, partly to appear serious, but also so he won’t see my braless boobs reacting in any way to his pure hotness. Ignore the hotness, Alana. It bears no importance right now.
“Can I come in?” His dark eyes are soft, and his eyelashes are longer than any man’s have any right to be. I don’t care, because I’m going to stop looking at them now.
I glance away. “We can talk here.” I glance back. Only for a second.
With a heavy sigh, he stares at his cuticles a while. “I want to clear up a few things. First of all, I appreciate you. So please, don’t go.” He waits for me to react, but I’m not shaking any pom-poms for him, as fucking adorable as his face is right now. “Alana, you need to know that my life is complex as h
ell. And if I seem standoffish about it, it’s because I don’t want to drag you into my problems.”
“You don’t seem standoffish. You seem assholic.”
“Assholic?” A light grin appears then disappears.
“Yes, it’s a word. I just invented it.”
“Useful,” he grunts, crossing his arms. His biceps appear even bigger than they normally do, and I want to run my hands over them. Did I mention I hate Kase Hardwin? “I shouldn’t snap at you. The fact is, I get worked up about a lot of things that have nothing to do with you. In fact, you make these things better.”
I make his life…better? I glance at him sideways. Is this a tactic to get me to stay? Because I’m not budging. Though I will listen. “What are you talking about?”
“Alana, you might not believe me, because I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time avoiding this since you started working for me, and also, part of me doesn’t want to admit what took you ten seconds to realize and then vocalize, but…yes, there’s something between us.”
“Excuse me?”
“There is. At least, I thought there was. I might have totally ruined that, but if you’re determined to leave, then the least I can do is tell you that I haven’t stopped thinking about you since you first walked into my office. And then, since I walked into your room that first night, and every night since.”
“Then why do you always look pissed off to see me?”
“Because. You make me feel things I never wanted to feel.”
“Because you recently lost your wife, you mean? Because it’s too soon? I’m sorry. I’ve tried to be understanding of that.”
He stares at me a second or two. Did I hit the nail on the head? Why else would he look so caught off-guard? “Maybe,” he says, now rubbing his forehead. Clearly, talking about emotions is hard for him. “Alana, I want you. I want you in ways I can’t even comprehend, okay? So please don’t ask me to explain it, because I don’t get it myself. You have to understand that I’ve spent my whole life avoiding women…”
“Except for your wife, you mean.” I side-eye him.
“Right,” he adds with difficulty. Uncrossing his arms, he approaches me slowly, reaching out a hand to caress my face. I want to retreat and tell him to go. Thank him for his honesty and the job, but I have to go. Except I can’t. “If we…if we were to, I don’t know…get together again, like the way we’ve been doing, you have to understand that my life and my past will always make it impossible to ever be together.”
Not that I was thinking about a forever kind of thing, but now he has me intrigued.
What about his past would prevent us from ever having a real thing?
Suddenly, I feel sorry for him, more than ever. I appreciate the honesty and the fact that he’s finally letting me in. If only a tiny bit, but that’s what I wanted. His hand cups behind my head. It feels strong, safe, and sweet all at the same time. It’s a touch that reminds me he’s human, and maybe that’s all I needed after his cold treatment.
“I get it,” I tell him. I don’t get it a hundred percent—the man is a walking, talking enigma—but I get it. He will admit to feelings but not commit to anything more. It’s fine. It’s the least I wanted, and I can accept that. I just couldn’t accept his stony refusal.
“You’ll never really get it, Alana. I’ll drive you crazy.” His other hand slips behind my head, and I feel myself falling, the room swirling, my knees weakening. “I’m giving you fair warning, hon. I honestly don’t know why you’d even bother with a man like me.”
I don’t either. He goes against every feminist ideal within me, ideals I was raised on, ideals both my parents instilled in me. I know, in my heart, that this man could never give me love, but maybe I don’t need love right now. Maybe I only want him. He’s hiding so much pain, I see it all over his face and in his eyes. And if I can ease some of that pain, then I think I can be happy with that for now. If it’ll mean being with Kase.
“Tell me what you’re thinking. Please. You have this look on your face.” Grabbing my hair, he twists it into a rope, and part of me feels like a child whose daddy is just getting her ready for bed, not a woman who desperately wants him to kiss her.
My eyes close. “I can tell you’re holding in a lot, Kase. So thanks for telling me this much. You have demons, secrets. You’re tormented like nothing I’ve ever seen, not that I’ve seen much in my twenty-one years.” I laugh lightly. “But all you just said? Showed me you’re a good man, a kind man with a heart. Even though that heart might be broken.”
“I’m not a good man, Alana.”
“You are,” I tell him, opening my eyes and looking straight into his soul. “I grew up watching my parents care for kids. So many so-called ‘fathers’ who barely spent an ounce of time with their kids, but I’ve seen you, Kase. You love Liam. You love him to death. And any man who can do that is a good man to me.”
“Fuck.” He pulls me into his body, and suddenly, my cheek presses against his delicious chest, and he smells so fucking fantastic, I immediately know I won’t be able to resist him. “I need you, Alana. I’ve never told anyone that before.”
Not even his wife?
A million scenarios run through my mind. He keeps saying these things about never opening up, never needing anyone, never putting effort into relationships, but wasn’t he married? The thought occurs to me that maybe he married his late wife out of responsibility for the baby. If that’s the case, he’s still a good man to me.
I don’t know what his demons are, but I’m happy we seem to be getting somewhere.
Suddenly, my face gets tilted up, and I don’t care. At this point, he could move me around like a rag doll, position me however he wants, and I’d follow it. It feels good to be with a man. I’ve avoided men for so long, then the first one I get into sexual situations with happens to be the hottest thing I’ve ever seen, and the most difficult, too.
In a fog of lust and confusion, he kisses me, warm mouth pressing over mine, tongue sliding in softly, exploring, tasting, pulling out the anger from me, tossing it aside. I may hate myself in the morning for giving in, but I feel he earned that kiss with his admission. I kiss him back, and it’s hard to tell who wants who more, because suddenly, I’m pulling him toward the bed, falling onto it, and pulling him on top of me.
I want to feel his weight pinning me down, feel his wide back underneath my hands, and feel his lips and tongue raking hot trails of desire across my neck and chest. “Kase…I have to tell you something.” Not that it’s a big deal, but fine, it’s a big deal. “I’ve never done this.”
He pauses, his face buried in my neck, and looks up, lips parted. “I’ve heard you say this before. I thought you meant what we did that day.”
“No. I meant everything. I’ve never done any of this.” I hope that doesn’t stop him. I’ve never been one to save myself for marriage or even a love relationship, because honestly, I just haven’t had time for sex. But if I could hand-pick someone right now to make this long-overdue drought end, then Kase would be my top choice. He already seems to know his way around my body.
His hands caress my collarbone, trace a line across my chest then down my side and around my nipple through my T-shirt. Through the thin fabric, my nipple reacts to his touch, as his mouth slides down and sucks it in through the shirt. Oh God, for as much as we’ve explored in other ways, we’ve skipped a lot of these foreplay things, and now I know why they come first. They’re like appetizers. My core floods with heat, as he moves his mouth to my other tit and sucks in my nipple deep into his mouth through the shirt again.
Holy shit, I could probably come from just him doing this, I want him so badly right now. “Kase, you heard what I said, right? It doesn’t matter to me. I just wanted you to know.”
“I heard you.” He lifts my shirt and hooks it under my chin, and then both his hands cup my tits and he squeezes them together. “Your tits are fucking beautiful, Alana.” From one nipple to the next, he licks and licks again. Just watc
hing his tongue flick me around like that makes my back arc into his mouth. I want him to take more of me.
At this point, I want him to fuck me already. I don’t care if it hurts. I don’t care if I bleed. I don’t care if letting my boss take my virginity is sinful, it feels delicious, and I want it so hard.
“So, you don’t care?”
“I care,” he says, sucking my nipple hard then letting it pop out of his mouth before latching onto the other, bringing me to the brink of deliciousness. “If I didn’t, I’d be fucking you in the ass right now, because that’s what I really want, Alana. I want to take you, soil you, fuck you, and make you mine. Do you understand that?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t think you get it. You don’t understand what’s inside of me, hon. You don’t get that inside this man is something wild.” He plays with my nipples, lightly slapping my breasts, and my body gravitates toward him for more. “You won’t tame me. You won’t change me. You won’t get me to love you either. So you need to understand, little virgin, what you’re getting yourself into.”
“I understand…”
“I don’t think you do,” he breathes. My skin prickles with heat. “I warned you to stop bringing it up, but you insisted. You came to my office, you pulled that shit. I didn’t want to feel, but you threatened to leave, and that’s something I can’t have right now. I can’t tell you why, and you’ll never figure me out. But if you want me to fuck you, if you want me to take your innocent little pussy—that I can do.”
“I want that. I want your cock buried deep inside of me, Kase.”
“Why would you want that? You’re pure and I’m not.”
“I don’t want to be pure anymore. I want you to dirty me. I want you to pull out when you’re almost there, and I want you to come all over my body.” His eyes glance at me over the tops of my breasts, fire in his pupils. I can feel his cock straining against my leg. “Fuck me, Kase. Don’t use anything.”
He doesn’t have to worry about safety. Not on my side, anyway. I’m as clean as they come without a sexual history. But I don’t care if he’s been with anyone either, and that part worries me. Not because I think he’ll have anything, but because I shouldn’t want to feel that close to him. It’s reckless, but I want to claim him. I want to make him mine after everything he just said.