by Paige North
She wasn’t lying.
I look up and close my eyes with a small, satisfied smile. I knew she wouldn’t lie. I never should’ve doubted her to begin with. Ray’s the opportunist, the liar who’ll stop at nothing until he gets what he wants. He’ll step on as many toes as he needs to. Ray left Evie, didn’t participate in the pregnancy, and it’s all right here on her phone. Putting the phone back in my bag, I sigh knowing I have what I need, if it ever comes down to a courtroom.
Three days. I spend three days holed up in this suite, ordering food and ignoring calls. Alana texts me the first morning, a question about Liam and what she should do about a rash he’s developing. Her tone is stern, includes nothing about us, and my heart aches knowing she probably hates me for leaving. I left her plenty of money in the account, and she should have no problem getting Liam to a doctor for the rash, but I just can’t be there for her today.
I have to figure out a plan first.
The plan arrives two days later in the form of an idea that wakes me up so fast, I nearly hit my head on the night stand. No fucking way Ray is going to take Liam away from me. Even if he does prove paternity, the judge will know who was there throughout the pregnancy—me. Throughout the birth—me. Throughout his upbringing thus far—me. Plus, there’s all the text messages and emails on Evie’s phone.
Liam is my son, by heart and virtue, and awarding custody to Raymond would be the worst thing any judge could ever do. Still, I can’t ignore the panic in my heart knowing I could lose him at any moment, and because of this, I get the grand master plan to go home and take my son on a vacation—just me and him alone, away from the city. Where will we go? I have no idea, but wherever it is, Ray will have to find me.
I can hear him giggling as soon as I unlock the front door. Liam, having a grand old time in the bathtub, splashing and screeching like a dolphin. That kid sure loves the water so much, he’ll probably become a swimmer in the future. I head up the stairs toward the happy sounds, knowing today will probably be the day Alana leaves for good. I can’t imagine she would take much more of this after all I’ve done to her.
All part of my plan to help her move on and find a life without me.
Pausing at the bathroom door, I knock softly to announce my presence. Alana’s kneeled at the bathtub, that perfect shape from behind a sight for sore eyes. “Hey,” I say.
She doesn’t reply, but Liam’s face lights up like a sunbeam and he proceeds to splash the fuck out of Alana. I bite back a laugh, but what I really wish I could do is cry my eyeballs out. I left these two alone, I put Alana through hell, and now I’m about to tell her it’s time to go.
“When you’re done there, could you pack a bag for Liam, please? I’m taking him for a few days.”
At this, she has words for me. “Where are you taking him? He’s just getting over a cold.”
“Don’t worry, he’ll be fine. Make sure to pack his jacket.”
“And what am I supposed to do while you’re gone?” Vicious eyes glare at me over her shoulder. I wish I could unsee them, but now they’re there, burned into my consciousness forever.
“You can go home a while. I don’t know how long I’ll be.”
“You’re going to hide him,” she says.
“No. I’m going to spend time with him. I have a feeling this will all go south, hon, and I want to spend as much time with Liam as I can. I know you think I’m a coward, but I’m trying, Alana. I tried to be a good father, got fucked. Tried to be a good husband, got screwed. Tried to be a good friend, shafted. Tried to honor my mother’s memory…”
Ugh, I can’t fucking finish that one.
All this happened because I couldn’t let what happened to my mother happen to anyone else ever again. Welcome to my life.
Alana finishes the bath, wraps Liam in a fluffy towel, then moves past me. Circles ring her eyes. I’m sure she’s been up every night because of Liam but also because of all the uncertainty I’ve caused. After she sets Liam on his bedroom floor with a bottle, she comes out of the room and stands in the hall.
“Listen, we’re not so different, you and me,” she says. “I lived around rich families all my life then the minute I got out of that world, I got sucked back into it. Nothing else to do but hold your head up, grin and bear it. You, you stayed away from relationships and falling in love, only to find yourself a wonderful best friend, then you got snagged into being a father.”
“What’s your point?” I ask, itching to get away from this lecture.
She crosses her arms, and for a split second, she looks like my mother whenever she was mad and ready to give me a talking-to. “My point is that you don’t get to choose the people you love in this life. The universe chooses them for you.”
“I don’t believe in the universe making decisions for me,” I say.
“What else would explain how we got here when neither of us wanted it?”
“I call it misfortune.” Spinning and heading toward my room to pack a bigger bag, I try to get away from Alana and her fortune cookie wisdom.
“Well, I call it fate,” she says, following me. “And loving you was never my misfortune, Kase. Believing I might earn your love in return was.” Her words sting but I can’t look at her, or I’ll want her again. She has power over me, the power to make me stay, and I can’t let anyone control me that way again—ever.
“You earned it alright. But this is how my love is, Alana. Incomplete and aggravating. You don’t need this kind of love. Nobody does.”
“I guess you don’t love me enough to change then.” I hear her voice catch at the end, and when I glance her way, I see her crying. I fucking hate when she cries, especially since I know she doesn’t do it to manipulate me. In fact, I’ve never seen anyone hold her tears in better than Alana, so seeing them run so freely now makes me feel like the biggest douchebag alive.
“I love you enough to let you go, Alana. And one day, you’ll thank me for it.”
Our vacation is at a cabin by the lake somewhere north of Bear Mountain. It’s a long haul, but I’ve needed this distance from the city. I’ve needed the solitude, the fog on the surface of the lake every morning, and my daily hikes with Liam strapped to my back. Together, we look at trees, at frogs, at cool rocks, and we even share meals by a handmade fire.
We think of Alana a lot. I know Liam misses her, because he gets this big question mark on his face when I hand him his milk bottle. He slaps it a lot and says, “Nananana?”
“Yeah, buddy. Alana’s not here. I know. I’m sorry about that, but she’s just your nanny, kid. Nothing else.”
Nothing else. Just your nanny. Even my own words don’t sit right with me. If anything, she’s his everything. His morning, his naptime, his evenings, his bedtime lullabies, his nights, his everything. And I sent her home packing just like that. How amazing would it have been to bring her along with us? To spend time here together as a pseudo-family, having the times of our lives? But I couldn’t set up those expectations, not for her, not for Liam.
“Buddy, don’t look at me like that. The sooner you get used to women falling out of your life, the better off you’ll be.” I’m firm and happy with that assessment except that Alana never dropped out of my life. I dropped out of hers. Minor detail that we don’t need to talk about now, because we have two more miles to hike back to the cabin.
Extinguishing the fire, I make my way back home, if we can call it that. I haven’t seen my own house in months, since the night Evie died. I’ve pretended that her house is my house ever since, and even Liam looks like he could live out here with me indefinitely. It’s beautiful and so peaceful. We could start a new life out here. Just me and the big boy.
But as we arrive back to our area and I trudge toward the cabin that’s been our home for a week now, I almost see the car parked out front with my eyes closed. I’ve imagined it arriving for days now, I just didn’t expect a cop car to accompany it. It came to me as I was driving here through the melting snow—the boy at the park, the
one who took off with Liam’s beanie hat that day.
Someone sent that boy to do that job.
Someone needed the hair and skin cells inside that hat for a paternity test, and deep inside, I knew the results for that test would come to haunt me any day now. Hence these much-needed last days with Liam.
A woman steps out of the car, along with an elderly gentlemen. Badges are flashed, and I know that life as I know it is over. “Mr. Hardwin? I’m Ilsa Hernández from Department of Children and Families. We have a court order to remove Liam Hardwin from the premises. Say your goodbyes and we’ll meet you inside.”
Alana
Sitting in the Brooklyn apartment I leased thinking it’d be my home while I worked at Lodwick Brothers, I should feel happy. But instead, it’s the shittiest feeling in the world. There’s one sad sofa from my college apartment, one crappy mattress with no headboard or footboard, a few dead plants, and boxes everywhere. The place has sat empty for two months, waiting for that first big paycheck from Lodwick, the one I was going to use to furnish the place.
I have the money, but it was earned working for Kase so I haven’t been to my apartment this whole time. I’m not even sure it feels right here anymore. After waiting a few days at Kase’s place, hoping he’s return any moment with Liam, I finally packed my bags and came “home.” But it was hard to leave Kase’s. His house had become, not just my workplace for two months, but my home away from home, my transition after college and whatever awaits me now.
His house empty and sad when I left, I fought back tears. No sounds of Liam babbling and laughing, no sounds of Kase ordering me around, which is better than this utter silence…no one to talk to.
There’s also solace in the quiet. I know, that the moment I tell my mom what happened, she’ll be calling every day, my friends with whom I’ve been out of touch, will also start calling, and my father will want to know what happened there and did anyone hurt me. I’ll have to explain. So for a few more days, I’ll sit here in silence surrounded by white walls, and wonder where I should go from here.
But after a while, the silence deafens me, and loneliness consumes me. The gravity of losing it all finally applies its full weight onto my shoulders, and before I know it, I’m bawling on the saggy sofa. I don’t know where the tears come from; I’ve done such a good job holding them back, and in a way, I knew it would amount to this. I knew I’d lose Kase. He made it clear from the beginning that I should stay away from him, that he wasn’t a good man for me, but no—I had to push it, didn’t I? I had to feel like Superwoman, the girlfriend who would change Kase Hardwin.
Stupid, silly girl.
You know nothing.
And now, you have nothing.
Stuck to my job is what I should’ve done. Worn blinders so as to not be swayed by Kase’s rugged good looks. But no, I had to go and get blinded by his handsomeness, affected by his demeanor, and taken in by his mysterious layers. If I sit here crying into my pad thai, I have no one to blame but myself.
I gave him everything that I had, but what he needed most was space. Though it wasn’t my fault that he left, I feel like it was. I know that Liam’s biological father coming back into the picture was the impetus that made Kase lose his shit, leave town, and take Liam with him, but I can’t help but think that his involvement with me didn’t help either.
All this time, he thought I would judge him. He thought that my knowing about his past would make me see him differently, but what he doesn’t realize is that my opinion of him hasn’t changed. If anything, I can’t help but see him in an even better light now. How many people do I know who would’ve married their best friend with no romantic involvement whatsoever just so her family wouldn’t judge her? Just so her baby wouldn’t grow up without a father?
That took guts.
Kase did what few men would ever do, and to me, that makes him a hero.
But he’ll never see it. He’ll always think he’s not good enough for me, he’ll always think he can’t love again just because he lost his mother and then Evie. I understand his pain. At least, I see where it comes from, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Life has no guarantees, and even staying away from love won’t guarantee happiness.
Me, I’d rather go all in—love completely at a high risk than never love at all.
But now, I’m not sure I’ll ever have the chance to tell Kase that.
He’s gone. And soon, I will be too.
In the morning, the nail on the coffin arrives.
Le Nanny calls to let me know that “due to abrupt changes in circumstance,” I’ve been let go from the Kase Hardwin job, effective immediately. Kase has provided for an extra month’s salary plus bonus, which is enough that I won’t have to worry for a while, and his letter stated that if I needed more, to let my agent know, so he can arrange for more checks.
I know he’s trying to take care of me, or at least he’s doing this out of guilt, but I don’t need his charity. I’ll be applying to bank jobs all day long and tomorrow as well, and if I don’t hear back from any of them, then I’ll just return home to my parents. I’ll start all over, like I always have.
I’m not worried about getting along in life. I’ve always kept my head above water, done the dirty things that nobody wants to do in order to make a buck. I even took care of a child who wasn’t mine for ten weeks straight when I am, quite possibly, the worst nanny in the world, out of duty. Who knew that in that time, I would grow to love this little boy? That I would miss his voice in the mornings when I awaken to a plain apartment devoid of love, giggles, and chubbiness?
My tears for missing Liam and Kase take up permanent residence on my face. So much that when I go out for a walk, people on the street actually look at me then glance away. The cashier at the corner market actually asked if I was okay, and I lied and said that I was. But no, I’m not okay and never will be again.
Finally, in the evening of my seventh day back at the apartment, I hear on the news that Raymond Silas has assumed custody of Liam Hardwin while legalities are worked out, that the paternity test came back as positive, and that Raymond and his family are thrilled with the decision.
But meanwhile, my heart breaks for Kase.
No longer at Newfound Ad Agency and nowhere to be found, Kase is missing, and my anguish for his safety burns my soul. Where could he be? Wherever he is, I know that he’s dealing with this all on his own. As the most a-social millionaire I’ve ever known, besides Batman, I know that Kase will not reach out for help. Even if it kills him, even if he knows I can soothe his heart and make him feel better, he will not reach out to me, and this is what ultimately kills me every day—that he won’t let me in.
Kase Hardwin doesn’t trust anyone enough to help him get through this hard time. Doesn’t trust me. I know I’m only twenty-one, going on twenty-two soon, but I’m not stupid. I’ve had my moments of weakness with him, sure, but only because I’ve never felt such overwhelming passion and love before like I have for him.
“You need me, Kase,” I cry into pillow as I begin the 9th season of Friends on Netflix. In this old show, everyone leans on each other for support. They’re the antithesis of Kase and me, and I don’t know why it can’t be different. What I do know is that I have to get over it. Wipe the snot from my nose and get over the fact that Kase will never come to me. He’s a damaged, tormented man, and no amount of girly love will change that.
He needs therapy to help him love again, not my persistence.
In the meantime, I have one thing to help me feel better about the shitty state of affairs that is my life—the financial gurus at Thames Group have emailed about my application. They’d like to know if I can come in on Monday for an interview. Starting salary is equal to about what I make working for Kase, and I should be doing cartwheels right now.
If this gig works out (and they seem super eager to fill this position ASAP) then I get to keep my apartment, get to start over where I wanted to be in the first place, and get to work in my chosen career. I
should be over the fucking moon, but I’m not. Somewhere, in the back of my stubborn mind, I kept hoping Kase would trust me enough to call, tell me where he is and what’s going on. I kept hoping that maybe, just maybe, he was getting Liam back and I could come back to work on Monday. I kept hoping that, even if the situation with Liam was in limbo, Kase would at least want me back—just me—to be with him, help him get through life.
To be his girlfriend.
But I guess that was too much to ask for. Now, it appears I have everything I’ve ever wanted—the job, the dream apartment, a career in the big city, never having to wait on rich people ever again. And now that I finally have the world at my fingertips, the way I’d hoped and felt the day I graduated from college…now I don’t want it.
I want to be Liam’s nanny.
I want to see Kase everyday.
I want to make love to him and maybe be a family. I want the arguments, I want to push his buttons, and I want to go on walks with my boys in the afternoons. My boys, Kase and Liam. I want to play games with them and laugh while watching movies, and see Liam laugh when Kase tosses him too high into the air, because when they’re both smiling, my heart feels full, fuller than it ever could sitting at a desk at Thames Group’s fancy schmancy offices in midtown.
But it wasn’t meant to be.
Which is why I sail through the interview on Monday morning without even the slightest hint of nerves. Not giving a fuck, as it turns out, is a great way to kick ass in business.
Ironically, getting asked if I can start immediately by the hiring manager doesn’t even come as a surprise to me. I reply “yes.” I’d be happy to start right away.
But inside I feel nothing.
Kase
What do you do when you get a message telling you your fake father-in-law is on his deathbed and wants to see you? Especially when, the last time you faced him, you were outed for being a liar and a total fraud?