by Paige North
She plays with my hands, holding hers up to my palm to compare sizes.
“Remember that time,” she says, “you tried to teach me to drive a stick shift and I almost killed that car?”
I laugh. I remember everything with Jessa, and that night was more than just driving lessons. “I remember. The car did die, and we had to wait for my buddy to come out and pick us up.”
“Just because we ran out of gas,” she says.
“I never told you,” I say, “but you did kill the car.”
She turns slightly. “No! Really? You told me the gas gauge was broken and that’s what happened!”
“Honey, cars don’t make that screeching noise when they run out of gas.”
“But I thought…” she begins. “Well, crap. Now I feel really bad.”
“It was an old fixer-upper that my father kept swearing he was going to work on, but believe me, it’d still be sitting there if you hadn’t killed it. Do you remember anything else about that night?”
She smiles and plays with my fingers. “Of course.”
“You attacked me.”
“What! That is not what happened!”
I chuckle. “Yes, you did. Right there in the front seat. You crawled over to me and completely abused me.”
Jessa flips around in the tub and faces me, her hands on either side of me. Her perfect breasts float in the water, and the way she’s staring me down, the memory of that night, and her general nakedness is getting me going yet again. I can’t stop with this girl.
“You liked it,” she says.
“No,” I say. “I fucking loved it.”
I pull her face to mine and kiss her deeply. She lays her body over mine, her tits on my chest and my lengthening dick on her stomach. She makes this little kitten moan and reaches for me, wraps her hand around my dick and I’m full length, dying for her. I sit it and she wraps her legs around me. I lift her up a little and slip my dick up inside her. She’s wet, and not from the water. I groan and pull her close, as close as our bodies can be.
She wraps her arms tight around my shoulders, mine around her waist, and we hold each other, our heads on each other’s shoulders, as I pull her into me again and again. It’s slow but deep, and water splashes over the sides but we don’t care. Right before I come pull her back and look into her eyes. When come together it feels like we’re saying so much with our eyes, like we’re looking into each other’s souls. Jessa kisses me afterward, a deep needy kiss that makes me want to start all over again.
We finally clean ourselves up properly and managed to get dressed again. Jessa gulps down that lemonade I had sent up.
“I’m starving,” she says.
“Room service?”
“Definitely,” she says.
Her phone rings, and I spot the screen that says it’s her sister Avery.
“Ignore it,” I say. Avery hates me, it’s no secret. She’s probably calling to make sure Jessa isn’t doing exactly what she’s been doing for the last several hours.
But Jessa’s brow furrows and she says, “No, I better answer it. Just in case.”
“In case what?” I ask, not expecting an answer. Nothing good can come from a call from her sister. I relax back on the bed.
“Hey, Av,” Jessa says, answering. “Everything ok—what? Is she…?”
I look to Jessa and see immediately that something is very wrong. Her hand is on her forehead and the panic on her face—and in her voice—is clear. I sit up on the edge of the bed.
“Oh my God, I’m on my way. Yes! Five minutes!”
I’ve already got my boots back on when she ends the call.
“Jessa, tell me,” I say, going to her. She looks wildly around the room.
“I gotta go, I have to get to the hospital.” She starts panting as she grabs her purse and her shoes. She drops her phone to the floor, her hands are shaking so bad.
“Steady, slow down,” I say. “Did something happen to Avery? Tell me.”
“It’s Lu-Lu-Lucy,” she stutters. “Allergic to peanuts. She accidentally ate one and now…now…”
I rub her back. “It’s okay, Jessa. Try to breathe. Avery’s daughter will be okay. I’ll drive you to the hospital.”
“No,” she says. She looks up with me, tears streaming down her face. “She’s my baby.”
My hand stops rubbing her back. That kid today at the fair is Jessa’s? I’m totally floored. She has a kid. Jesus, why the fuck didn’t she tell me?
Of course, there’s no time to ask. I grab my keys and we’re out the door, flying toward the hospital. I have to keep reminding Jessa to take deep breaths because she’s hyperventilating the whole drive. She tries, but she keeps muttering, “I should have been there. I should have been there…”
I keep my hand on her thigh, trying to reassure her.
She dashes through the emergency room doors and I head to park the truck. When I get inside I find her pacing down a hall, wringing her hands. I race to her and collect her in my arms.
“They’re with her now,” she cries, and I hold her close to my chest. “They won’t tell me anything…”
“Shh, it’s okay. Everything is going to be fine,” I tell her, stroking her hair.
She clings to me as if she’s drowning and I’m the only one who can save her. Knowing that whatever is happening with her daughter, with Lucy, is out of my control makes me clinch my fists.
“Where are the doctors? Where’s your sister?” I ask Jessa.
“Back there,” she says with a wave of her hand.
“Then that’s where we should be,” I say. She shouldn’t be kept out here like this. I put my arm around her and guide her toward where Lucy is, already daring anyone to try to stop us.
Avery comes around the corner, her face red and wet from tears. Jessa drops her arms from me and runs to her sister.
“What happened?” Jessa says as they hug. “Is she okay? I need to see her!”
“I’m so sorry, Jess,” Avery said. “It’s my fault. I wasn’t watching her, and she got into my bag where I had an old peanut butter cup. She ate it and when I turned back the wrapper was on the floor in front of her and she was complaining about her throat feeling tight. But she’s okay, Jess. Lucy is okay.”
Jessa’s knees buckle with relief but she stays standing. She immediately heads back where Avery came from to find her daughter.
Avery turns to follow Jessa. When she sees me not moving she says, “You better come back too.” Without question, I go.
Lucy is in a bed and Jessa is covering her head and face with kisses, and Lucy lets her, but soon grows fussy.
“Momma, stop!” she says.
“Are you Lucy’s mom?” the doctor asks.
“Yes,” Jessa says. “I’m her momma.”
“Lucy is totally fine,” the doctor tells her. “Her aunt was able to think fast and get her here quickly. Lucy had some Benadryl and a shot from the Epi Pen. And she was a very good patient.”
“I only cried a little,” Lucy says.
“For a three-year-old she’s a very big girl,” the doctor says, smiling at Lucy. “She was very brave. Weren’t you, Lucy?”
Three years old, I hear him say in my mind, like an echo.
Three…
“Yes!” Lucy smiles. “I was very brave.”
My mind is still whispering that fucking number.
THREE.
It comes over me like a slow roll. I look at Lucy and see the way her cheeks dimple when she smiles. And the shape of her eyes. The fact that she’s three years old.
As I stare at her, I feel Avery’s eyes on me. Watching me closely. That’s when I know for sure. And I can’t fucking believe it.
I go to Jessa and Lucy. It literally pains me to look at them but particularly at Lucy. I know what Jessa hasn’t been telling me, and it’s cracking my heart into pieces.
“Feeling better?” I ask Lucy.
“Yes, sir,” she says, and I laugh a little, knowing Jessa has taught her such good manners.
“Cole…” Jessa begins.
I touch her cheek softly, feeling as confused as I’ve ever felt but knowing one thing for sure—I need to get out of here, and fast.
I turn and leave, walking out the door without a single look back—not even when I hear Jessa call my name, not even with the pull inside me to run back to her.
I keep walking.
Lucy
“Chrissy, do you have the chart for the sheep we treated last week?”
“You mean the one from Mr. Higgins’ place? It’s right here, sugar,” she says, handing the files over to me.
“Thanks.”
“You okay?” she asks. “You been so quiet the last couple of days. Lucy’s still doing good, isn’t she?”
“She’s fine,” I say. “Just been a little preoccupied, that’s all.”
“Just so long as you’re not blaming yourself,” she says. “Or Avery. Kids are sneaky little things. When they see candy, they want it and don’t care the consequences. Nobody’s fault.”
“I know,” I say. “I’ll get over it.” I know it wasn’t my fault that Lucy consumed peanuts. Avery is still feeling mounds of guilt but I’ve got the Everest of guilt happening inside me.
It just took one look at Cole as we stood beside Lucy in the hospital and it was clear—he knew she was his. Not only that, but he knew I’d purposely betrayed him by keeping that information from him.
Sure, I had tried to reach out to him years ago, but had I really done everything I could to contact him? He didn’t respond, but I should have tried harder. He had a right to know from the beginning that I was pregnant and he had a daughter.
So how am I supposed to get over that guilt?
The only thing I know how to do for now, is take care of Lucy and bury myself in work. When I’m at work I focus on it completely, going over charts for animals we haven’t seen in months to make sure they were given the proper medications. Dr. Johnson has been telling me for two days to ease up.
“You’ve been looking through those charts like they’ve got the winning lottery number,” he said this morning.
“Jinx Hamilton’s renal failure might be entering the late stages. Are we sure we don’t need to up his fluids? Is Constance really giving him a hundred milliliters every day?”
“Jessa, Jinx and all the other animals are fine,” Dr. J said.
I sighed. I knew they were fine. I just wanted something new to occupy my brain.
“Why don’t you take the rest of the day off?” Dr. Johnson says. “We only have a couple more appointments and they’re nothing I can’t handle on my own.”
“Jessie!” Chrissy calls from the front. “Got a visitor!”
Ha, I think, distraction!
But when I walk up to the front, it’s the exact opposite of a distraction. It’s Cole Frost himself. My stomach takes a swift dive to the floor.
His hands are in his jeans pockets and my heart gives a little flutter seeing him again. It always flutters at the sight of him—the hard lines of his body, the smooth golden skin of his arms. I take a deep breath. This is serious stuff now. I guess I finally have to face it. I just have no idea what he’s here to say, or how angry he is. The fact that he’s here must be a good sign…right?
“Hey,” I say a bit shyly. I have no idea how he’s going to react or what he’s feeling, but when his eyes land on me they reveal nothing.
“Can we talk?” he says.
“Sure. Of course,” I say. “Want to go for a walk?”
He nods, and after telling Chrissy I’ll be back in a few, we head outside.
We walk in silence down the road, and I turn us off onto a narrow path by the fields. Extra seclusion can’t hurt, considering my whole world is about to explode in my face. No need for witnesses.
We walk side by side in excruciating silence. I glance over at him and he’s keeping his eyes focused straight ahead, his jaw set tight. Whatever he’s feeling, I can see him physically holding it all in.
“So…” I begin. “I guess you probably have a lot of questions.”
He lets out a deep sigh and shakes his head. I cringe. The disappointment he feels in me is clear. I don’t need him to tell me.
“Cole, look,” I begin. “I’m really sorry. I should have told you. Or at least, I should have tried harder. I emailed you—not about Lucy, but still. I don’t know. After you ghosted me I guess I just felt so defeated that…” I stop myself. I’m saying it all wrong. I’ve had three years to find the right words and now I’m getting myself tangled in them. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t make excuses.” I stop walking, and he stops with me. Finally, after all these years, after all this time, I say it plainly and clearly. “Lucy is your daughter, Cole.”
He nods his head slowly. He knew already, but now I’ve confirmed it. What he must be thinking and feeling, I have no idea. He won’t even look at me. It’s a warm day but I have chills on my arms.
“Christ, Jessa,” he finally says. “I know I was a dick back then. I shouldn’t have just left without a word. But I did—”
He stops himself. That beautiful jaw of his clenches again, as if he’s holding in what he was about to say. He starts again.
“I shouldn’t have left like that, without any follow up. I know that. It was wrong and you didn’t deserve it. I don’t blame you for not running after me. I didn’t deserve it for what I did to you. But damn, it stings. Knowing you were pregnant with my ki…with Lucy?” He swallows and seems to need a moment to regain his composure. “Man, that’s tough, Jessa. Knowing now? It’s fucking brutal.”
Tears well up in my eyes, knowing how badly I screwed things up. If I had just told Cole about Lucy in that email I sent him instead of being so vague, things might be different. Instead I made him think I just wanted him back—which I did, but for reasons bigger than my own desires. With just a few wrong words in an email, I screwed everything up. How could Cole possibly stay now, knowing what I’ve done? He’ll never accept me again, that’s for sure. But what about poor Lucy? She doesn’t deserve any of this. What have I done to her?
“I don’t know what else to say,” I whisper. “I screwed up, Cole.”
“I understand, okay?” he says. “I can’t blame you for wanting to protect Lucy from my whims and desires, especially when all I wanted was to get out of here.”
Those words sting anew, the fact that he hates it here. That I wasn’t enough to make staying worth it.
Cole reaches for me and takes my hands. I’m pretty sure I stop breathing for a moment, having no idea what he’s about to say or do. But when I look up into his eyes, I see something different in him. It’s not the far-off look he had earlier, or that hungry look in his eyes I always see when he looks at me. Something deeper has changed within him.
“Jessa, I want to a father to Lucy—a real father.”
The tears that were welling in my eyes completely overflow. He wants to be a dad to Lucy!
“But,” he says, and I try to brace myself, “only in a way that you’re comfortable with.”
“Cole…”
“Just wait,” he says. “I know this is a major change for Lucy. I’m not a shrink or anything, but I want to respect that process of suddenly having a father in her life. I want to get to know Lucy. I want to make things right. But only if it’s okay with you.”
I am full-out sobbing now. Of course it’s okay. It’s just about everything I ever wanted!
“God, yes,” I say. “There is nothing I want more than to see you and Lucy developing a relationship.”
“You’re sure.”
“Of course!”
And then we’re both laughing and hugging, holding each other tight but over something so much deeper. My daughter is finally going to get to know her dad, and that’s all that matters.
“We’ll work out the specifics later,” I say, wiping the tears from my eyes, “when my head stops spinning.”
He wipes the tears from my cheeks. “But not too much later. I want t
o start getting to know my daughter.”
“Stop,” I say, fresh tears pouring, hearing the words he’s saying. “I’ll be crying all day.”
“And I’ll be here to wipe the tears away.”
I sniff. “What about the snot?”
He laughs. We walk back to the clinic and I promise to call him later tonight.
“Maybe we can all go out for pizza, or there’s this painting place I’ve been wanting to take her to where you can make your master works of art. They give you the canvas and paints and supposedly the kids go crazy. Or if you don’t want to do something so messy we can always just go to the playground or even—”
“Slow down,” Cole says. “We’ll figure it all out.”
“Okay,” I say. “We’ll figure it out.”
When he drives off, I’m beaming. I go back into the clinic and tell Dr. Johnson, “You know, if it’s okay I think I will take the rest of the day off. I think I really need it.”
He looks at me with some concern, but says, “Go for it. We’ll see you next time,” and I race out the door.
I go straight to Avery’s and am a little nervous when I see Mom and Daddy’s car there. Just like Avery, they are not huge fans of Cole’s.
“Hey, guys,” I say as I walk in Avery’s place. “Where’s Lucy?”
“Next door with the Lewis kids,” Avery says.
“We were making cookies,” Mom says, “but as soon as Lucy heard the knock on the door she ran for it.”
I laugh. “She loves playing with the kids next door.”
“She likes to boss them,” Mom says.
“That kid is the one in charge, that’s for sure,” Daddy says.
Avery and Mom are in the kitchen doing all the baking while Daddy sits at the barstool with a glass of iced tea. An animated movie plays on the TV in the background.
“Why aren’t you at work?” Mom asks. Since she and Daddy are retired and we all live so close to each other, we pop over at each other’s houses all the time and know each other’s schedules well. If Avery can’t watch Lucy then Mom and Daddy pick up the slack. It’s one of the many reasons I love living here in Morningside Valley. Not only is it the only home I’ve ever known, but my whole family is here.