Once I pee on the stick I hold my breath while I wait for the results.
“I’m waiting,” Lucy calls from the next stall.
“This is science,” I reply. “It takes time.”
When the Big Blue Stick really does turn blue I let out the breath I’d been holding.
I’m pregnant. And Dante’s the father.
“Still waiting,” I hear from the next stall.
When I shove the Big Blue Stick under the stall wall Lucy grabs it.
“Wow,” she exclaims.
“I know.”
“What now?” she asks.
“I was hoping you could tell me.”
***
The rest of the day is a complete blur. I drop into another drug store on the way home and purchase ten additional pregnancy tests just in case.
I’m obviously still having a difficult time coming to terms with the idea that I’m pregnant.
When I get home I pee on ten more sticks and every one of them turns blue. I take all my sticks with me and toss them onto my bed, sit in the middle of them, and cry my eyes out.
The only thing that interrupts my cryfest is Dante’s voice when he gets home. I’ve been dreading telling him because I have no idea how he’s going to react. He’s only twenty-two. I feel like I’m ruining his life before it’s even started.
“Where are you?” Dante calls from downstairs.
“Up here,” I yell back.
“Are you still sick?” I hear him hurry up the stairs.
He furrows his brow when he enters the room. “What’s going on?” He looks at the Big Blue Sticks strewn all over the bed. “What are those?”
“Pregnancy tests. They’re all positive. Every one of them.”
“Where did you get them?”
“The drug store.”
“I mean where did the positive tests come from?”
It occurs to me that he thinks they’re someone else’s tests.
“I peed on them, Dante. Every one of them. They’re my tests. I’m pregnant.”
It takes several seconds for this to sink in. “Oh, my God,” he whispers.
My stomach knots as I wait for him to continue.
Then he looks at me. “You’re having my baby?”
“I’m sorry.”
He sits down on the bed with me and takes me into his arms. “Why are you sorry?”
“I didn’t think I could ever get pregnant, so I didn’t use birth control. And now I am pregnant. We’re not even married. We’ve only been together a few months. I feel like this is going to ruin your life. You’re only twenty-two.”
“Aren’t you happy?”
“I’m freaking out. I’m still in shock. I have no idea how this happened.”
“I know how it happened. We had sex. A lot.”
“I mean biologically. The doctor told me I couldn’t conceive.”
He places a soft kiss on my lips. “I want to marry you.”
“No.” I shake my head. “You don’t have to do that. You just started graduate school.”
“I know I don’t have to. I want to. I want to be with you. I want to be with our baby. I want us to be a family.”
I rub my temples. “I just need some time to think.”
He picks up one of the Big Blue Sticks and stares at it for a few moments. “My baby is having a baby.”
“I’m going to see if I can get an appointment to see the doctor tomorrow afternoon after class.”
“I’m coming with you,” Dante says without hesitation.
“You don’t have to do that. I know you have a lot on your plate.”
“I’m coming with you,” he repeats. He sounds adamant.
“Okay, fine.”
“Good.
As he slides to the back of the bed and rests his back against the headboard he takes me with him so I’m between his legs resting my back on his chest. Then he puts his arms around me and pulls me tight like I’m in a Dante cocoon. “I’m going to take care of you, Mary. And I’m going to take care of our baby.”
It’s a wonderful sentiment for the fantasy world we’ve built inside of my townhouse, but I have no idea how that would work in the real world.
***
Luckily when I phone my doctor’s office first thing in the morning they are able to squeeze me in at four o’clock. I think his assistant heard the urgency in my voice.
Today I’m armed with a huge thermos of ginger tea and enough crackers to feed two large kindergarten classes. Stuffing my face with crackers before I even got out of bed staved off the vomiting this morning. I hope they will do the trick for the rest of the day.
For the first time in my life I have dark circles under my eyes. I don’t feel like I slept more than I few minutes the entire night. My mind was racing with all kinds of wild and random thoughts. Fortunately I have three nieces and I’ve been intimately involved in all aspects of their lives, even when they were still in the womb. Maybe my awareness of how much work and sacrifice it takes to raise a child is making me even more anxious.
I don’t have the luxury of the first-child-ignorance-is-bliss feeling that Dante seems to have.
There’s no doubt that he’s brilliant. Everyone is right about that. And he’s a loving, caring and kind person with a huge heart. But in some ways he’s still like a child himself.
I know it’s not fair for me to force him into such a huge responsibility at such a young age.
And what will his parents say? I have no doubt they’ll blame me for ruining his life. His siblings already thought I was some gold digging slut who was trying to trap him into marrying me. This will just confirm their suspicions.
And what about my tenure application? And the not-so-small fact that he’s still a student in my department, the recipient of the prestigious graduate research fellowship. Talk about scandals. The press would have a field day with that one. I can just imagine the headlines.
Then there’s Claudia. What am I going to tell Claudia? On a positive note she’ll probably kill me. That that would solve every one of my other problems.
I’m already exhausted by the time I reach my office and the day hasn’t even started yet.
When I see Andrew marching down the hallway with two cups of coffee I try to duck into my office, but he’s too quick for me. The smell of the coffee is already making me gag as he approaches.
I hold up a hand. “I can’t take that.” Then I cover my nose with my palm.
Andrew’s nose scrunches and I can tell he’s confused. In the five years we’ve been working together I’ve never refused a cup of coffee. Just the opposite. I’ve always made him feel like he was a savior bringing me much needed sustenance.
“Just get rid of it,” I plead. I feel like I’m going to barf.
“Sure,” he replies, concern in his voice.
He tosses the two cups of coffee in the trash and turns back toward me. “Are you okay?”
I shake my head. “I feel like I’m going to throw up.”
“Do you want to sit down?”
As I head into my office I’m disappointed that Andrew follows me. I was hoping he’d leave me alone and let me be nauseated in peace.
“Do you have the flu?” he asks, keeping his distance from me. “Maybe you should go home.”
I shake my head. “I can assure you what I have is not contagious.”
His features soften as he takes a seat. Then he leans in close and whispers, “Is it cancer?”
It takes me a moment to process his question. Did he really just ask me if I have cancer? “What would lead you to that conclusion?”
“You’re nauseated.”
“I’m not having chemo. I’m pregnant.”
His eyebrows shoot up to his hairline.
“How do you think the tenure committee will take news like that?” I ask him.
“It shouldn’t matter one bit. The university cannot discriminate due to any medical condition. And I would think being a pregnant widow would evoke a l
ot of sympathy.”
It occurs to me that he might believe that Doug is the father of my child. I realize Andrew and his wife never had children, but for someone who is a brilliant scholar he doesn’t seem to know a lot about biology.
“Just so we’re clear. Generally speaking women only experience morning sickness in their first trimester.”
He’s frowning, but I get the feeling he’s still not quite catching on. “The last time I was intimate with Doug was in May.” I pat my abdomen. “I think it would be a bit more obvious I was pregnant if I was that far along.”
“Oh,” he says as awareness finally spreads over his face. “Is he going to be there for you? The father?”
“It’s complicated,” I tell him.
He shakes his head. “There’s nothing complicated about it. If he’s a real man he’ll step up to the plate and take responsibility for his actions.”
I’m a little taken aback when Andrew places his hand on mine. He’s never touched me before. My instinct is to move my hand, but for some reason I don’t. “I’ll be there for you, if you need me.”
It takes a moment for his words to sink in. Is he really telling me that he’ll step up to the plate if the father of my child doesn’t?
“I need to get ready for class,” I tell him.
He gives my hand a squeeze before he lets it go. Then he looks into my eyes and says, “I meant what I said, Mary. You won’t have to raise that child on your own.”
I swallow because my throat feels like it’s going to close. I’m not sure what to say. Luckily Andrew rises from the chair. He gives a knock on the desk. “I’ll talk to you soon.”
And then he exits.
Five words go through my head: What the fuck just happened?
***
Leave it to Misty to roam into my office just as I’m getting ready to leave for my doctor’s appointment.
“Dr. Pine!” She sounds more enthusiastic than she normally is. Today it really grates on my nerves. I take in a deep breath and do my best to remain calm and cordial.
“You’ll never believe what I found,” she continues.
“As excited as I am to hear about it, Misty. I’m on my way to a doctor’s appointment and I don’t want to be late. It’s the last appointment of the day.
It’s only then that she seems to realize that I look worse than shit on a biscuit. “Are you okay?”
“Can we meet tomorrow afternoon?”
She nods. “Sure.” Then she stares at me for a few seconds. “Do you have cancer?” she whispers.
“I don’t have cancer,” I assure her. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
What is it with people thinking I have cancer?
***
Dante is pacing outside the doctor’s office when I arrive.
“I wish I could give you a hug right now,” he whispers as we step inside the office.
Luckily there’s no one else in the waiting room when we enter. Dr. Hunt’s assistant gives me a warm smile when she sees me, but her brow furrows when she notices Dante.
“This is my boyfriend,” I tell her.
She nods. “We allow couples into the examination rooms for these types of visits.”
It only takes a few minutes before we’re called back. I’m handed a cup for a urine sample, which luckily doesn’t take very long to provide, and then I give a blood sample. I’m weighed and measured. Then a nurse takes me and Dante into a private room. She hands me a paper gown and tells me to put it on before she says, “The doctor should be in shortly.”
Dante sits on a chair near the corner holding my purse and my clothes. Biting his bottom lip he looks as nervous as I feel.
The room is cold and stark, but with Dante here I feel a little more secure than I normally do when I see a physician.
When Dr. Hunt finally arrives my heart starts to thump a bit faster. When I started seeing him ten years ago he was fresh out of his residency, just staring his practice. I feel like the two of us have grown up together, professionally anyway. Now approaching his forties he’s finally showing some signs of age, although he’d probably still qualify for hot doc status, if there was such a thing.
“So...” he says as he looks at my chart. “You’re pregnant.”
I glare at him. “You told me I couldn’t get pregnant.”
He shakes his head. “I never said that. I told you it was highly unlikely that you would ever get pregnant. I advised you that you had a greater chance of having complications from oral contraceptives than you had of getting pregnant. Improbable is not the same as impossible.”
That hits me hard. “I’ve been sexually active for fifteen years,” I tell him. “How did this happen now?”
He glances at Dante. “Perhaps your new partner has greater motility.” Then he looks back at me. “Or something could have changed for you biologically. Medicine is not an exact science. We do the best we can with the information we have at any given time.”
Not really the answer I want to hear, but it’s the answer I get.
Raising an eyebrow he asks, “How do you feel about this pregnancy?”
“Shocked,” I tell him honestly. “I had already come to terms with the fact that I wasn’t going to have children.”
“Do you feel like you want to continue with the pregnancy?”
It takes a moment for me to realize what he’s asking. I notice Dante is looking at me expectantly.
I nod. “I do. It’s just—the timing isn’t great.”
“If I had a dollar for every time one of my patients said that I’d already be retired.”
“What now?” I ask.
“We’ll do a first trimester ultrasound today to see how things look. We can make sure there are no complications and also get a good estimate of how far along you are. And we’ll put you on a regular examination schedule. I’ve got a large packet of information for you. It’s my own version of What to Expect When You’re Expecting.”
After Dr. Hunt gives me a thorough physical he instructs Dante and I to head across the hallway for an ultrasound.
The jelly the ultrasound technician puts on my abdomen is cold. I don’t like the feeling of the ultrasound probe as she presses it against my abdomen. But it’s amazing when Dante and I see an image on the screen.
Even though the embryo doesn’t look very human yet it’s still amazing that I have another person growing inside of me.
“Here’s a snapshot,” the ultrasound tech says as she hands Dante a paper copy of what we’re seeing on the screen.
His hands shake as he stares at it for a long moment. I expect him to hand the paper to me, but he carefully folds it and places it in his wallet instead.
Once we’re back in the examination room waiting for Dr. Hunt to return I ask Dante if he’s okay. He looks lost in his own thoughts.
He nods.
“Are you sure?”
Taking my hand in his he says, “I’m sure.” Then he kisses my knuckles.
Dante continues holding my hand when Dr. Hunt comes back into the examination room. “Looks like you’re eight weeks along. That will put your due date the last week of May. Everything looks fine at this point. Do you have any other questions for me?”
He looks back and forth between me and Dante.
I’m not even sure what to ask. Dante shakes his head.
“Okay,” Dr. Hunt says. “Don’t hesitate to give us a call if you have questions. When you check out my assistant will have that packet for you and she can schedule your next exam.”
There’s a twenty dollar co-payment for the visit. Just as I’m about the take my checkbook from my purse Dante grabs his wallet and hands the assistant a twenty dollar bill.
The packet Dr. Hunt referred to is so large it’s almost overwhelming. There’s information about everything from upgraded birthing suites to breastfeeding tips.
This is really happening. I’m actually having a baby.
Once we’re outside I take in a deep breath of fresh air. A steady s
tream of cracker ingestion throughout the day has decreased the nausea substantially, but I still don’t feel like myself completely. I feel like an alien has invaded my body. Invasion of the Body Snatchers, but not by some alien pod, I’ve been invaded by another human being.
Just as I’m about to ask Dante how he’s feeling his eyes grow wide. His sister, Ally, is hurrying down the sidewalk toward us, her blonde hair bouncing with every springy step she takes.
When she stops in front of us she’s grinning from ear to ear. “Looks like I just won a thousand bucks.”
Dante shoots daggers at her. “What are you talking about?”
“Hmm.” She points to the doctor’s office behind us. “I wonder why the two of you could possibility be walking out of an obstetrician’s office?” Turning her attention to me she says, “Your girlfriend works fast. Ty thought it would take at least another month for the gold-digging whore to get knocked up. He’s usually much better with the odds than that.”
Dante’s jaw is set and his mouth is a thin angry line. If it was humanly possible I’m quite sure steam would be coming out of his ears. Pointing an index finger into her smug little face he says, “Don’t you ever speak to Mary that way again.”
She looks at him defiantly. “I can’t wait to see the look on Mom and Dad’s face when I tell them. As if you’re not already a gigantic loser. I can’t believe you didn’t see this coming, Dante. Or were you just so happy that someone was finally fucking you that you didn’t care if she screwed you too. I hope the sex was worth it because it’ll probably cost you millions.”
“What are you even doing here, Ally?” His eyes narrow. “This isn’t even a part of town you frequent.”
She shrugs. “Once in a while I like to hook up with the guy who runs a tattoo parlor down the block. He’s an artist, so he’s really good with his hands. I’ll have to take a raincheck though because I’ve got to get home to collect my money. And tell Mom and Dad how badly you screwed up.
I feel like I’m going to throw up, but not from morning sickness this time. There’s a knot in my stomach thinking about Dante’s parents and how they’ll react to him being a father.
I think Ally is a selfish, self-serving mean girl, but she is right about one thing. Paul and Jennifer are going to think I did this on purpose. I have no doubt they’ll think I’m a gold-digging whore who trapped Dante by getting pregnant when nothing could be further from the truth.
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