Slowly, I became aware of the world around me again. The buzz of insects. The thick smell of grapes mingled with the scent of sex. The weight and heat of Jasper’s body wrapped around me. The feel of his cum on the insides of my thighs. The hard ground under his shirt.
He brushed some hair back from my face as he leaned over me, propped on one arm. His face was concerned. “I wasn’t too rough, was I?”
“No.” I smiled and reached up to put my hand on his cheek. “It was perfect. I like variety.”
He laughed, but there was a hint of something sad to the sound. “After eight years with the same person, I suppose anything different would be variety.”
“That’s not what I meant.” I lifted my head to kiss him. “I like all the ways you have sex with me. Slow. Fast. Hard. Soft.” I sighed.
“What’s wrong then?” he asked.
“I love being with you. Spending time with you. Having sex with you.”
“Okay?” He looked confused.
“But everyone keeps saying that it’s too soon.” I rolled onto my side so we could be face-to-face.
“Do you feel like it’s too fast?”
I could hear the hesitation in his voice and knew that if I said yes, he’d back off. But I didn’t want him to back off. I didn’t want to take this slow, I realized.
“Fuck it.”
His eyes widened.
“It’s not like you’re some random stranger, Jas. I’ve known you for years. It’s only this part of things that’s new. Do you think we’re going too fast?”
He shook his head. “I’ve wanted this for a long time,” he admitted. “I’ll go whatever speed you want as long as I can be with you.”
I smiled. “Good, because I’m tired of listening to what other people say and I’m tired of living in the past.” I took a deep breath. “Move in with me.”
Chapter 10
I’m just glad Mom’s not here to see this. She would’ve been ashamed of you.
It had been five days since Mitchell had left and his words still echoed in my head, no matter how hard I tried to get them out.
Jasper had stayed through Sunday evening, the day I’d asked him to move in with me and we’d gone over the logistics of things. When the best time would be for him to move in. What he was going to bring and where those things were going to go. If I thought I’d be able to clean out the last of Allen’s things or if I’d need help.
The one thing I hadn’t considered was how to tell my brother. I’d have been lying if I’d said it had slipped my mind though. It was more like I’d purposefully pushed the idea to the back of the list. I’d known that Mitchell wouldn’t like it and I just hadn’t wanted to deal.
Instead, I’d focused on the other things. Where I was going to donate the last of Allen’s clothes. Whether or not Jasper and I should switch the bedrooms around so that we weren’t using the same room Allen and I had occupied for the last few years. How many pictures would be too many to leave up and out.
As we’d talked, I’d realized the best part of having fallen for my late husband’s best friend. Jasper missed Allen as much as I did and he understood that I wouldn’t want to pretend that the last eight years hadn’t happened. He wanted to remember Allen, to talk about the things the three of us had done together. Because of his own relationship with Allen, he’d said that it didn’t matter to him how long Allen and my pictures remained up.
Jasper had left as the sun started to set. He had work the next morning and a lot of things to do before he moved in the following Saturday. Neither one of us had wanted to wait until he could find a buyer for the house, but the idea of leaving it empty had bothered him until he’d come up with a brilliant idea. One of the reasons Jasper had wanted to start a free clinic was to help the people in St. Helena who couldn’t necessarily afford quality healthcare. One of the things he’d wanted to do eventually as well was to set up a place where families in need could stay while they were getting back on their feet. While his house wasn’t big enough for multiple families, it could be enough for one.
I’d been so excited when Mitchell had pulled in that, for a moment, I’d forgotten the way my brother had left that morning. I’d practically thrown myself into Mitchell’s arms, declaring that I’d had wonderful news.
The moment I’d said the words, however, I wished I could’ve taken them back. My brother’s face had darkened and he’d given me one of his scowls. The conversation had been brief but harsh.
“What do you mean you asked Jasper to move in with you?” Mitchell’s voice was sharp.
“I care about him, Mitchell, and we enjoy being together. I have this huge place but I’m all alone here—”
“I’m here.”
“I know you are.” I tried to placate him. “And I really appreciate you staying with me, but you have your own place.”
“So does he.”
I took a deep breath and tried to speak calmly instead of slapping my idiot brother like I desperately wanted to. “Jasper and I want to be together and this was the step we wanted to take. Together.”
“What about Allen?”
“I loved Allen,” I said. My heart constricted, but it was more of a wistful pain than agonizing grief. “But he’s gone. And I know he would’ve wanted me to be happy.”
“With his best friend?” Mitchell snorted a laugh. “Come on, Shae. You can’t be serious. Allen was your husband. You were with him for eight years and now, four months after he dies, you’re shacking up with his best friend?”
“Just because my husband died doesn’t mean I have to stop living,” I said, stung. I’d expected some resistance, but not this.
“Mom never dated after Dad died. She loved him until the day she died.”
I nearly flinched. “That’s not fair and you know it. I’m not her, Mitchell.”
“That’s obvious,” he snapped.
“If you don’t like it, you don’t have to be here.” I put my hands on my hips. “Go home.”
“Gladly.” He started to stomp off towards the guest room where he’d been staying, but he couldn’t resist landing one final blow before he went. “I’m just glad Mom’s not here to see this. She would’ve been ashamed of you.”
That comment had hit me hard. I’d spent the rest of the night alternating between crying and raging. Only after I’d spent hours curled up in bed, desperate for sleep, did I remind myself that it was my life, not my brother’s or my mother’s, that Jasper and I knew that Allen would want us to take care of each other. That he’d want us to be happy. As long as we knew that and we cared about each other, it didn’t matter what anyone else said.
I’d spent the rest of the week focusing on Jasper moving in and ignoring the fact that Mitchell never called or texted. Monday after school, I’d gone through the living room and packed up some things to make room for some of Jasper’s things. The kitchen had come next, though he’d decided to leave most of his own kitchenware for whatever family took up residence. The same would be done with most of his furniture, so there wasn’t really much of mine and Allen’s things I had to pack away.
I’d left off the bathroom until Wednesday, throwing away the last of Allen’s belongings there. I hadn’t been consciously keeping around things like his razor or his brand of mouthwash, but I hadn’t thrown them out either. That night, I had. I’d cleaned out every last bit of Allen from the master bathroom and then I’d sat in the shower and cried until the water turned cold.
Thursday had been even worse. I’d packed up all of Allen’s usable clothes and thrown away the ones that couldn’t be donated. For some reason, taking out the trash had bothered me more than putting the boxes of clothes into my car. Even though it had been late, I’d driven into the city and dropped the things off at the mission, hoping I’d be able to keep from crying.
I had. I’d actually felt good as I’d driven away, as if the thought of Allen being able to help someone even after his death had been somehow helping me heal. And then I’d seen the t
rashcans at the end of the driveway and I’d known that the bags inside had contained all of the little junk that Allen was never going to use again.
It had been that, more than anything else, that had made it hit home. Allen was gone and never coming back. He’d never use up the rest of the aftershave I’d bought him for Christmas last year. Never throw out the cheap comb that he’d always insisted worked ‘just fine’ even though he’d just as often borrowed my hairbrush.
Yesterday hadn’t been any easier, coming home and feeling the house half-empty. It hadn’t really looked much different. Even the upstairs had been the same until I’d opened the dresser or closet. I’d doubted that anyone else would’ve even noticed, but I had. I’d felt like something had been torn out of me or away from me, like a part of me had gone missing.
I’d cried myself to sleep and had woken up this morning with a new resolution.
I was moving forward. I wouldn’t forget Allen or the years we’d spent together, but I wasn’t going to let them hold me back either. I got up, put on a pair of ratty jeans, an equally grubby t-shirt and then headed downstairs to make myself some breakfast.
Jasper arrived a couple hours later and immediately pulled me into his arms for a thorough and resounding kiss. I melted against him, letting myself enjoy the solid feel of his body, the heat of his skin.
When he finally broke the kiss, we were both breathing hard and I was feeling much better.
Jasper frowned as he looked around. “Did Mitchell have to work today?”
I looked away. I hadn’t told him about the fight. “No, he went home. After all,” I tried to keep my tone light, “it’d be a bit awkward to have my big brother here too.”
“Well, I didn’t think he’d be staying, but I figured he’d at least want to make sure everything was set before he left.” Jasper took a step back. “When did he leave?” When I didn’t answer, he spoke again, “Shae, what’s going on?”
“He’s mad about you moving in,” I blurted out. Jasper was the one person I could be completely honest with. I didn’t want to start things off with a lie, even a little one.
I glanced up and saw that his face had darkened.
“What did he say?”
I shook my head and reached down to take his hand. “It doesn’t matter.”
“It does to me.” He tucked a wayward strand of hair behind my ear.
I sighed. “Short version? He thinks I’m a horrible person for even considering wanting to be with someone after Allen.”
“He doesn’t think that,” Jasper argued. “Your brother loves you. He couldn’t think anything bad about you.”
The muscle in my jaw twitched. “He said my mother would be ashamed of me.”
Jasper swore as he pulled me into his arms again. He kissed the top of my head as his fingers made soothing motions on my back.
“Your brother’s being an asshole,” he said. “Everything you’ve said about your mother tells me that she’d want you to be happy.”
“I think she would’ve liked you,” I said, pressing my face more firmly against his chest. Damn, he smelled good.
“I hope so.”
Jasper sounded sad. I pulled back just enough so I could see his face.
“Are you okay?” I asked. I hoped I hadn’t been so caught up in my own drama that I’d missed something important.
“I never wanted to come between you and your brother,” he said. “Maybe I should just go home.”
“You are home,” I said firmly. “Unless...” My heart sank. “Unless you don’t want to move in. It’s okay if you don’t. You didn’t have to agree...”
He pressed his lips against mine to silence me. It was short, but firm. “I want to live with you,” he said, keeping his mouth close enough to mine for me to feel the heat of his breath. “You have no idea how much I want this.” He rested his forehead against mine. “To wake up next to you every morning. To know that I’m coming home to you every night. It means everything to me.”
“But?” I prompted.
“But I can’t make you choose between your family and me.”
“Jas.” I put my finger on his lips, stopping him before he could say anything else. “You aren’t making me choose. Mitchell is. And if he really loved me, he wouldn’t do that.” I smiled. “Besides, I thought I made it clear that I’ve already chosen. I chose you.”
His eyes closed as I put my hand on his cheek. His skin was smooth. He’d shaved this morning. My stomach tightened at the realization that I’d get to watch him shave in the mornings. That I’d be able to see him standing in the bathroom in front of the mirror, towel around his waist, chest bare...
Damn. I was never going to want to leave the house now.
Chapter 11
Prior to Allen’s death, I’d never actually lived alone. I’d gone from home to college where I’d had a roommate. From college to living with Allen. The longest I’d ever been alone in the house had been for a weekend once when Allen had gone on a trip to see his parents and I’d begged off, citing too many papers to grade. Even for someone who’d been used to living with other people, when I’d first moved in, it had taken me a while to get my bearings and for both of us to learn how to move around each other.
Not this time. It was strange how easily Jasper and I slipped into living together. I’d fully expected things to be awkward, at least for the first month or so, but once we’d finished unpacking on Saturday, it had felt natural to follow a normal routine. Dinner, shower, bed. Waking up next to him on Sunday hadn’t been weird at all. And then last night, instead of worrying about how late he was going to stay since we had to work the next day, we just did the same thing we’d done the night before.
I wasn’t sure if it was because he’d stayed here a couple of times or that we were just already so familiar with each other that we didn’t have to learn each other’s moods, but it was nice not to have to worry about any of that. This was different than meeting some random person and asking them to move in after only a few dates. I’d known Jasper as long as I’d known Allen, and the three of us had always been together that first year. It hadn’t been until after they’d graduated that we’d had less time together as a trio.
I hadn’t told anyone but Mitchell about Jasper moving in, but when Gina Edgars came by to pick me up so the two of us could carpool to work, I didn’t try to hide kissing Jasper goodbye at the door. I knew Gina wouldn’t judge. Of all the other teachers at the school where we worked, she was the only one I considered a true friend. She and her long-time girlfriend, Junie, lived across the road and the two of us often rode together to work.
“So,” she said as she pulled out onto the road. “Jasper Whitehall.”
I couldn’t hear any disapproval, but I still didn’t look at her when I answered, “We’ve been seeing each other for a few weeks and he moved in this weekend.” I tensed, waiting for her to tell me that I’d moved way too fast, that it was inappropriate. She might not judge me, but she also wouldn’t hold back her opinion of my behavior either.
“Good for you.”
I turned towards her, startled at just how supportive she was.
Her light blue eyes sparkled as she smiled at me. “I saw the way he was with you after Allen died and at the funeral. It was obvious he cared about you and I’d been hoping you’d see it too. Then I heard that the two of you had been seen out together in town.”
I flushed.
“You have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about, Shae.” She reached out a hand and gave my arm a comforting squeeze. “It’s natural for you to want to be with someone again.”
I looked down at my hands. “I know everyone’s going to think it’s too soon.”
“Fuck what everyone else thinks.”
I laughed, relief flooding through me. She was right. Jasper and I hadn’t done anything wrong. It wasn’t like we’d fallen for each other while Allen had been alive and had just been waiting for our opportunity. It had just happened.
“Can I be nosy about something?”
I glanced over at her to see a mischievous smile curving her mouth. I was immediately wary, knowing that when she got that look, anything could come out of her mouth. “Okay.”
“How is he in bed?”
“Gina!” I stared at her, heat rushing to my face. When she burst out laughing, I smacked her arm. “Are you kidding me?!”
“Sorry, sweetie, I couldn’t resist. That kiss goodbye? Damn. You could’ve started a fire with that kind of heat.”
I was fairly sure my face must’ve been glowing by now.
“Seriously, though.” Her voice sobered. “I’ve always thought Jasper’s had to put up with too much shit around here. He’d been a wild kid, sure, but he’s a good man.” She reached over and took my hand. “You two deserve to be happy.”
“Thank you.” I swallowed hard around the lump in my throat. After Mitchell’s negative reaction, I’d been bracing myself for similar responses. Having Gina’s support meant a lot to me.
It took me a few minutes to regain my composure, but when I did, I couldn’t resist trying to lighten the mood before we got to the school.
“By the way, the answer to your question is: amazing.”
Gina gave me a puzzled look.
“How Jasper is in bed.” I grinned. “I could barely walk last Monday.”
Gina laughed and shook her head. “I’ll make sure I tell Junie that we don’t have to worry about you sitting all alone in that big house with nothing to do.”
I laughed with her. “No, I’m quite sure he’ll keep me busy.”
As we continued to joke and tease, I let myself relax and enjoy the moment. While I was determined to move forward, I knew that there were still plenty of things that could make my life difficult in the days and weeks to come. When times like this came along, I was going to do my best to savor them.
The day went well, with all of my students behaving surprisingly well. It was still nice enough to go outside for recess and at the end of the day, since we had a little extra time, I took them out again. The smell of autumn was in the air and the sun was just warm enough. It was an absolutely beautiful day, the kind that made everything else seem brighter just because of it.
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