Oh God. I had to process all this, and I had to get out of here before he caught me lurking. I made sure everything was just as it had been when I entered, turned out the lights, and scurried out the door, shutting it behind me. Blue came trotting back, ready to be fawned over again. I complied, petting his smooth head and scratching him behind the ears.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked. “Why didn’t you explain things to me?”
He let out a snuffle, like I was ridiculous. I probably was. I should have figured this out sooner, but it wasn’t too late to make things work between us. I went back to my room and started an Internet search on BDSM, because by the looks of things, the information I’d picked up in books and movies wouldn’t be enough.
Chapter Nine: Milo
I arrived home after midnight, wanting to lose myself in sleep, but I couldn’t sleep. After work, after Alice had visited my workshop, I’d gone to a friend’s house, to her “birthday bash,” which was more of a birthday gangbang. Allie was into that stuff, and it was fun seeing her get all her masochistic buttons pushed, but I wasn’t in the mood to participate. Instead of Allie, I kept thinking of Alice. Their names were similar—only one letter difference—but the two of them were nothing alike.
Alice was sweet and low-key, while Allie was a tempest. Alice had light hair, and Allie was dark. Alice was tall, and Allie was a petite package of perversity. I’d done so many fun scenes with Allie over the years, and now…now I couldn’t get into her. At all.
Fuck. Alice was ruining my life, tearing me in two, forcing me to be someone respectable because she was respectable. The other Doms were back at Allie’s, having a fucking blast, and I was lying in bed, too disgusted with myself to even jack off. I wanted what the guys at Allie’s place wanted, to torment and fuck a pretty girl, but I wanted it to be Alice instead, and that was a fucking problem.
I rolled over with a groan, squeezing my eyes shut. It didn’t help. I pictured everything I wanted to do to Lilly-Alice Nyquist in pornographic detail. There was the hard blowjob, of course. Fantasy number one: ramming my cock into her throat as she struggled to stay on her knees. I’d keep one hand clenched in her hair, making her look up at me every so often so I could see the tears overflowing her eyes. Her gagging and sputtering would be music to my ears—
No. Fucking no. Don’t think about her like that.
I had more, much more where that came from. There was the fantasy of cuffing her hands over her head and whipping her with a crop or strap as she struggled to get away, pleading with me to show her mercy. Maybe her hair would be done up in those braids, and I’d unravel them when I stopped to let her draw a breath. I’d shove her head back and kiss her hard, and clasp my fingers around her slender neck until she made frantic, panicked sounds.
No, don’t jack off to that, you sick pervert. Not to choking out Lilly-Alice.
Fine. I’d jack off to the anal fantasies instead. I’d imagine her long legs held apart by a spreader, her ass in the air, bent over a trestle or bench. I’d toy with her first, humiliate her, insert a plug that made her squirm, all the while reminding her that my dick was bigger and harder than the plug, than anything she’d fucking imagined. When I started easing into her, her toes would curl, and her asshole would clench in alarm. I’d spank her and whisper threats in her ear. Let me in. I’m going to make you my anal-craving slut.
I almost didn’t hear the tap at the door over the roar of blood filling my cock. The object of my fantasies opened the door and stuck her head in. Shit, those braids again. I could see them in the dim light from the hall.
“Milo? Are you awake?”
I should have played dead, but I’d already turned toward the door to see if she was okay.
“I’m awake. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong.” That was what she said, but there was clearly something troubling her. “Can I come in?” she asked.
“Sure.”
I sat up, wishing I slept in more than boxers as I clicked on my bedside light. Fortunately, my massive erection had ebbed, but I still piled as many covers as I could in my lap. She’d picked the wrong time to come visiting. I watched, holding my breath, as she came into my bedroom and stood at the bottom of my bed.
“I’m sorry, Milo. I know it’s late. I should probably just wait, or maybe not say anything, but if I don’t say something now, I’ll never find the courage again.”
I braced as she covered her eyes. What was she going to tell me? What dramatic, heartfelt revelation was going to make me want her even more?
“You can talk to me about anything,” I said.
She eyed my bare chest, and I wondered if she could see my heart beating. She was in a sleeveless white cotton nightgown. Nothing frilly, just practical. So Nordic. Kind of virginal.
“Tell me what’s on your mind,” I said, before I could start having dirty thoughts about it.
She met my gaze, her eyes wide, her features pale and lovely. “Milo, I accidentally… Well, I sort of stumbled on… I went into your…dungeon…today.”
The breath I’d been holding hardened to an ache in my chest. I let it out, wishing she’d said anything else, any other thing in the world besides I went into your dungeon today.
“Milo…?” she said in a soft voice.
I didn’t say anything at first, couldn’t say anything, but I felt anger and a dark sense of betrayal. I kept the dungeon’s door closed for a reason. I ought to have installed a lock when she moved in, but that would only have drawn attention to it. “I wish you hadn’t found that,” I finally said.
“I’m sorry. I was wandering around with Blue. I felt restless. I love your apartment so I was looking at the rooms and then I saw that door, and I thought it was a closet, something to do with the music room, so I went in, and once I was in there, I couldn’t stop myself from looking at all the…equipment.”
“You were creeping around my apartment?” I asked. “Opening all my doors?”
“It wasn’t locked.”
“That doesn’t mean you’re welcome to go in.”
She stood, facing me with her arms crossed over her chest. “I’m sorry if I intruded on your privacy, but you shouldn’t feel embarrassed.”
“Shouldn’t I? Would you be embarrassed if you were in my position? If I’d wanted you to know about that…that room…I would have told you.”
“I wish you had told me.” She stuck out her chin, her eyes alight with flaring anger. “I wish I had known. It would have explained a lot of things about you.”
I was surprised she had the audacity to scold me for my secrecy, considering she was the one who’d done something so wrong. I was angry and embarrassed, even more so than her. I wanted to order her out of my room, wanted to yell at her, You shouldn’t be in here, especially to tell me this.
“I could have pretended I never found it,” she said in the fraught silence. “But we’re closer friends than that. I wanted you to know that I saw it, and that I know now that you’re into BDSM, but I don’t care. It doesn’t scare me. It actually…” Her blush deepened. “It makes me curious.”
I had to laugh at that. Curious? She had no fucking idea.
“Why are you laughing?” She tossed her head, with her beautiful intricate braids. “Why aren’t you saying anything?”
“Because it’s none of your business. If I wanted you to know about that side of me, I would have told you. I would have said, hey, Alice, I’m into BDSM. Want to check out my dungeon?”
“Why didn’t you want me to know?”
“Because it’s private.”
“Is this why you won’t consider a relationship with me? Because you think I won’t accept this side of you? You’re wrong about that. I’m not afraid of passion…and…and sexy stuff.”
I laughed again. “Sexy stuff?”
“Whatever. Whatever craziness you’re into, it doesn’t scare me.”
“I’m not sure you have enough information to say that.”
“You
think I’m too innocent?”
“I know you’re too innocent.” Why was I even sitting in my bed discussing this with her? Why hadn’t I sent her out of my room yet? “Alice, it’s really late, and I don’t want to talk about this with you.”
“Too bad. I want to talk about it with you.”
“Obviously. You came in my bedroom while I was half asleep and dropped this on me, but I don’t want to discuss it.”
“I’m not that innocent,” she insisted, standing her ground in her ridiculously innocent white nightie. If she knew how much I wanted to tear it off her…
“Alice.” I rubbed my eyes. “Go to bed. This is a part of myself that I want to keep separate from you. Please respect that.”
“I don’t want to,” she said, her voice trembling. “I’m trying to tell you that I’m into what you’re into. I mean, I could be into it. I’m really interested in BDSM and power exchange, and I think it would be awesome to play with you. You know, do a ‘scene.’”
She was throwing out vocabulary, trying to sound like she knew what she was talking about. Poor, misguided girl.
“I don’t know how to say this without sounding mean, Alice, but if you’re just interested, then you’re not playing on my level.”
“I haven’t played at all,” she said, throwing up her hands. “But I would, with you. I understand you so much more now. I understand your dominant manner, your intensity, the way you talk to people—”
“You don’t understand anything.” I sounded harsh, but I couldn’t soften the words I was saying. “I’ve been doing this shit for years, and participated in ‘scenes’ you couldn’t even begin to imagine. I go to a club that’s for experienced players. I like things you wouldn’t like. No, I know you wouldn’t like them,” I added, when she opened her mouth to speak. I got out of the bed, my erection disappeared from sheer angst. “You should go to bed.” I guided her toward my door. Her bare arm felt warm and soft under my palm as I urged her along. “We’re both going to forget that you went into my dungeon, and that we had this conversation.”
“But…if this is the reason we can’t be together…”
“Alice.”
“You kissed me once. We made out. Your body told me you wanted me.” Tears formed in her eyes, even as she stubbornly set her teeth. “You kissed me like you loved me. I don’t understand why this has to stand between us. Love overcomes everything.”
Damn it. I couldn’t deal with her tears. I took her face in my hands. “Love can’t overcome this. Don’t you get it? I don’t want to hurt you.”
“But I want you to hurt me. Hurt me!” Her voice had risen to a cry, her tears spilling over. “What you’re into—it can’t hurt any worse than never having you when I love you so much.”
She didn’t get it. She didn’t understand, but she wasn’t going to leave it alone, and I wanted to fuck her every minute of every day.
Fine. I’d fuck her, just once, just to release the sexual tension that had built up between us. I’d let her “have me,” so she could get over it, but I wouldn’t hurt her. I’d control myself, and she’d see that I was a man like any other, that pining after me wasn’t worth her tears.
No, that’s a horrible idea. Send her to her own room. Don’t fuck her.
It was too late. My fingers drove into her hair, messing up her pretty little braids. I pressed against her in the doorway, my hot skin cooled by her virginal white nightgown. Blue slunk away down the hall, to his bed in the living room, because he always ran away from things that unsettled him.
“You want me, don’t you?” she asked in a small voice, searching my gaze.
“I want you too damn much.” I meant it as a warning. For emphasis, I pressed my swollen cock against her belly, hard, but she wasn’t deterred. I needed someone to step in and stop me, right now, but there was no one but us, and I was lost in the scent and feel of her body.
“This is such a bad idea,” I said, fingering the hem of her cotton nightie. “A horrible idea. We shouldn’t do this.”
“We were always going to do this.”
“Damn you.” I inched her nightgown up, running my fingers over the tops of her thighs. As long as I stayed in control, I could go slow, treat her like a lady, all that shit she’d expect from me.
“We’re not going to my dungeon,” I ground out. “We’re not doing any BDSM shit.”
She gave me a look that said, oh, really, because I was already pressing her against the doorjamb with too much force. “Just take me,” she said. “That’s what I want.”
Fine. I was going to take her. She wanted it, I wanted it, and my bed was just a few footsteps away. She started to pull off her nightgown, but I stopped her.
“Come here. Come with me.” She looked at me in confusion as I dragged her toward the bed. “I want you to leave it on, because I don’t want to go too fast.”
“I want you to go fast.”
I pulled her against me and pressed a finger over her lips. “You’d better fucking behave.”
Already, as I held her, I had one of her arms twisted behind her back in some instinctive urge to control. She pressed into me, her gorgeous tits rubbing against my chest. I willed the monster inside me to calmness and released her long enough to guide her back onto the bed. My cock was ablaze. Fuck, I needed a condom. Too many days of foreplay had me ready to fall on her and impale her, thrusting like a beast.
No, I needed this to last longer.
I needed her naked.
I needed to be inside her, gentle and slow.
Her nightgown had buttons at the top, and I started undoing them with gritted teeth. She stroked my face, tracing a finger along my jaw. I shuddered, hovering over her, my heavy cock barely contained by my boxers. When these barriers were gone, I’d shove inside her. Excitement choked me, undoing my self-control, muting my internal warnings. I pulled the nightie over her head and threw it away, and slipped a hand down her panties. White panties with little pink hearts. They were gone as soon as I touched them, shoved down her legs.
That was me shoving them down, ripping them, yanking her legs apart to get at her secret core. I tasted her first, dipping my head to drag my tongue along her center. Oh God, the taste of her, after all this time. She arched, grabbing my hair as I sucked on her clit. Too much? Too rough? She groaned and planted her feet on my bed, letting me have her. She tasted like joy and energy, and all the forbidden fantasies I’d locked out of my mind.
I crooked an arm around one of her thighs so she couldn’t close her legs, even when I moved away to explore other parts of her. I kissed up her stomach, her soft, sweet belly, and then her breasts with taut, rounded nipples. I wanted to bite her and mark her, pinch those nipples until she screamed and begged me to stop. No, no, no… I kissed her shoulder blades and traced her neck with my tongue. She moved her head back, away from me, sighing, and I realized the hand that wasn’t holding her leg was wrapped around her neck, squeezing too hard. My hand, choking her.
But she wasn’t pulling away. I felt a terrifying rush of dominant adrenaline, felt a little more of my control ebb away. Her hips undulated against me, inviting me to take her. Her fingers traced my waistband, tugging at my boxers. I let go of her leg and pinned her with my body instead, grinding against her hot, damp center with the head of my cock encased in thin cotton. Already, the sensation was too much.
I’d felt close to her so many times. When we made music, when we ate and laughed together, when I’d held her after her apartment disaster, but none of those times was anything like this. I felt transformed by desire, blinded, shocked at how much I wanted her.
How much I wanted to hurt her.
I pulled away with a gasp. “Wait.”
She clutched at me. “What?”
“Just…give me a minute. I don’t want to go too fast.” I clenched my teeth from the effort of staying in control. “Okay. Protection. I have a condom in the…the drawer.”
I kicked off my boxers and reached to get a rubber, hat
ing the feeling of being apart from her. I rolled on the condom by sheer force of will, the will to protect her, because what I really wanted was to come inside her with nothing between us. I wanted everything. All of her.
I studied her to be sure this was what she wanted, although I was afraid, at this point, it would be impossible for me to stop. Her eyes were glued to my cock, which was engorged and jutting and so fucking hard it hurt.
“You’re big,” she said.
For the first time, she looked as if her courage might falter. Yes, I’m big. I’m mean. I’m bad and rough. That’s why I tried to say no to you, say no to this. “We don’t have to do this,” I said, breathless with lust for her. “We probably shouldn’t do this.”
She opened her arms to me in answer. Instead of hugging her, I grasped her forearms and pressed them to the bed like the forceful, dominant animal I was. Had I imagined I could control myself, keep the lid on these urges, when she was the woman I’d always wanted most in my life? I parted her legs with my knees, spread them wide so she had no way to stop me as I pressed inside her.
Stop me. Tell me to stop.
She held my gaze and bared her teeth, taking my girth without complaint, my braided, brazen Nordic princess. She was so wet and tight. I died as I eased inside her, holding her arms so hard I probably bruised her. I didn’t want her to move, because that might make me fall apart. The whole fucking world spun around me, but I couldn’t let her move, because I was only just driving inside her and it was already the best sex I’d ever had. Her walls gripped me, triggering every nerve ending in my dick. She whined, a soft animal whine, and I was about to lose it again.
“No,” I said as she arched against me. “I’ll hurt you.”
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